Posted in: Taste My Rainbow TMR [58] - When That Cell Door Shuts, You're A Deadman
By SkittleZ
Oct 4, 2009 - 2:13:11 AM
[58] - When That Cell Door Shuts, You're A Deadman
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck daily columns. Think about it. What real benefit do I get out of such time consuming shenanigans? Even I don't have the time required to keep up with those bastards. Posting on Sundays feels much more comfortable. Yes there's a handful of individuals out there who warned me not to in the first place but sometimes you just gotta crash and burn on your own. Feel free to crucify me though for failing after three columns because that is a pretty abysmal effort. I can't even pretend to bow out gracefully. Honestly, I could've kept the dailies going for a stretch but I'm just a lazy dickwad. Does that make me such a horrible person? Nonetheless, my name's SkittleZ and who the fuck thought TMR would be resurrected this quickly? In my defense, I was blindsided by a nasty sinus infection so cut me some slack dammit. I'm fragile.
It's no secret that The Undertaker's got alot going for him. Dude's been banging Michelle McCool for who knows how long. Some will argue that's nothing to brag about but I definitely think she's worth a few humps. The Deadman is an unprecedented 17-0 at WrestleMania; a feat no man has ever come close to accomplishing during the event's 25 year history. Taker's won the Royal Rumble, countless championships and beaten just about every big name to come along during his stint with the WWE. However if we're gonna keep this shit relevant, it'd be wise to focus on his personal rape chamber - Hell in a Cell. The match has become Taker's specialty over the past twelve years and he plans on making CM Punk his next bitch. With yet another HIAC bout on the horizon, I figured why not cheat readers with a mundane list column? But hey... turn that frown upside down! I brought along a butt buddy from the Columns Forum who you've probably never heard of before.
8. Undertaker vs. Big BossMan (WrestleMania XV)
Glacier - This could have been a great match. But it wasn't given nearly enough time to reach that point, nor did it have the typical build that we see in the other cell matches. Why does this rank at the end for you, Skitz?
SkitZ - Um well I don't know... maybe because it sucked goat testicles and never had any chance of succeeding. You can test out plenty of things inside Hell in a Cell however pitting two heels against each other should never be one of them. Someone used horrible judgment on this car wreck.
Glacier - You can say that again. The only good thing about this match was seeing Bossman get hung at the end.
SkitZ - Bogus! You're going to hell for that one, SubZero. But yes... BossMan deserved to be lynched for that woeful performance alone.
Glacier - Gonna grab me a rope... and lynch me a- sorry. But yes, I give this half of an ice block.
SkitZ - Whoa there, bitch. Who mentioned anything about your own personal rankings in my column? Fuck your ice cubes.
Glacier - Fuck your rainbows, fag.
SkitZ - Cute comeback. Alright lets move along before this gets out of hand. What's next on the list, homie?
7. Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock vs. Triple H vs. Rikishi for the WWE Championship (Armageddon 2000)
Glacier - Your thoughts?
SkitZ - Next time I ask you to set me up, bring some substance dammit! I can't do all of the work around here. Anyways, I honestly think this match (as a whole) should be ranked higher. If it weren't for the mass amounts of chaos and Taker's limited interaction, I'd probably put the bout at #4. Unfortunately, I need a little more than The Deadman just chokeslamming Rikishi's chunky ass off the cell.
Glacier - Word on the street is you like his chunky ass. But anyways, I dont think this should be any higher. This is a TAKER's Hell in a Cell rankings. Taker didn't have a lot of interaction, he wasn't anywhere near the finish of the match either. I give it two iceblocks (just for the way that truck trembled when Rikishi's fat ass landed in it).
SkitZ - Well it's a shame since the match quality was pretty high. Perhaps things would have turned out differently if Taker had executed a sunset plancha off the cell through four flaming tables?
Glacier - Yes. Yes it would.
SkitZ - (sigh) One can certainly dream. Bring forth #7, SubZero! And make it snappy or I'll find a replacement.
Glacier - Will you stop calling me SubZero? Thanks to that asshole Uncle Joe, Subzero is dead. My name is Glacier. And any WCW jokes will result in much pain for you. And we're at number 6. We just ranked number 7, dipshit.
SkitZ - I know how to count, cunt face. Stop confusing me.
6. Undertaker vs. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship (Survivor Series 2007)
Glacier - This was a good match but for some reason, these two just didn't mesh well inside the Cell. What do you think my fruity friend?
SkitZ - Ah so now we're friends now? Douchebag. The match itself wasn't half bad but the crowd was a total buzzkill for me personally. I thought Miami was supposed to be chock full of loud obnoxious Hispanic sluts. People are getting thrown through tables and slammed on steel yet the audience can't at least fake an orgasm to benefit the match quality? Poor form I say.
Glacier - I didn't really see any reaction until my boy Edge showed up and cost Taker the match. Also in my opinion this match was too confined. They were in the ring for most of the bout. I give it two and a half ice blocks.
SkitZ - Copeland always brings the noise but the fact of the matter is it shouldn't have taken his epic return to get the fans riled up. Oh and I'm glad someone's still ranking shit like his ice cubes mean something...
Glacier - Skittles are gross. You know that? I'm more of a Starburst guy. You rip off M&M's
SkitZ - WTF!? I'm beginning to regret letting you tag along for this column.
5. Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship (No Mercy 2002)
Glacier - In my opinion, this match should have been a lot higher. It was a spectacular match with tons of blood lost by Taker and the way Brock reversed the Tombstone into the F-5 was ridiculous.
SkitZ - Sure that one counter was hot shit and the match was brutal but what really stuck out other than Heyman's pre-pubescent shrieks from ringside and Taker's cast? It was your typical run of the mill HIAC bout. I was left wanting more. The sexual tension between both men just didn't stimulate my senses.
Glacier - ... Moving along, I give the match four ice blocks. It was a great match which included a solid feud involving Taker's wife.
SkitZ - Who the fuck put you in charge!? We move on when I say so, cuntwad. I think its funny how you're jizzing over Taker/Brock when it wasn't even the best Hell in a Cell match of 2002.
Glacier - That it wasn't. I do believe that Trips vs. Jericho was the better of the two.
SkitZ - About time you agreed with me on something. Although I do feel like a fair amount of relevance just drifted out the window. Quick SubZero... keep the ball rolling!
Glacier - *sigh* FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT SUBZERO!
SkitZ - Deal with it, rookie. Mortal Kombat will forever trump Killer Instinct.
4. Undertaker vs. Randy Orton (Armageddon 2005)
Glacier - This match was terrific and the build to the match was really strong. This was THE feud of 2005. Fuck Batista vs. Trips or Cena vs. Kurt Angle. This rivalry went from before WrestleMania to Armageddon. This was the final match, and Undertaker made it clear he was out to destroy young Randal.
SkitZ - Rey/Eddie was an overall better feud in my opinion but hey who am I to disagree? Oh that's right... reigning Main Page Manager. Regarding the actual HIAC bout, I distinctly remember the fans chanting "TNA!" towards the end of the match. Which pretty much sums up my thoughts on Taker/Orton. The pace was way too fucking slow for my liking. A ton of slow spots hurt the match and Orton's splash through the table just made me feel awkward all over. And when I say all over, that includes my penis.
Glacier - Batista and Taker not stimulating you sexually... Orton making you feel awkward in your penis.. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable here. In any case, it was correctly ranked. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Four ice blocks for this one.
SkitZ - Ah but what was so breathtaking about it? Please specify because I can't think of five positive things to say about Taker/Orton.
Glacier - 1. It was a great feud. Seriously, Orton lighting the casket on fire and backing the lowrider through the Smackdown set just awesome. 2. Orton bleeding. It happens so rarely that when it does it makes me happy because he's a total prick. 3. Orton giving Undertaker a Tombstone. 4. Bob Orton having Hepatitus and bleeding on Taker made me lol when I heard about it. 5. The slow pace is part of what made it good because Taker made you believe that he wanted Orton to truly suffer. And since when is anything Taker does fast paced?
SkitZ - Don't come into my crib and cop an attitude. Orton's more to blame than The Deadman. The dreaded restholds were in full bloom on that cold December night. And I understand the purpose of a deliberate pace but it was like attempting to get an 85 year old man erect.
Glacier - You're ridiculous. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and be lectured by a fruity candy. Let's move this along.
3. Undertaker vs. Mankind (King of the Ring 1998)
Glacier - I know you're creaming yourself waiting to talk about this match so I'll let you start.
SkitZ - Pfft! I cream for one man and one man only. As you've pointed out in previous discussions, Taker/Mankind is basically famous because of two spots. However they're moments which still give on-lookers goosebumps to this very day and there's something to be said for that. If this was a popularity contest, we'd be staring at the undisputed king of Hell in a Cell matches.
Glacier - I understand why this match is popular. Don't get me wrong. But it takes away from the match when half of it consists of Mankind being tended to by EMT's. There was about 30 seconds total of offense on the top of the cell. And then in the ring, the whole flow of the match was interrupted by the fact that Mankind was injured. Had Taker waited until near the end of the match to throw Mick off the top of the cell, we might have had a better HIAC bout. But this match will be forever known as the match where Mick took two insane falls and that's it. I give it two ice blocks.
SkitZ - Damn that's harsh, homie. You know there were some sick thumbtack spots near the end.
Glacier - The first spot wasn't even sick. Foley landed next to the thumbtacks and then rolled around in them like a pig.
SkitZ - So now you're against beastiality? Get some edge, man.
Glacier - I'm going to ignore that comment. But you bring up a good point (that being Edge). He leads us into number 2.
2. Undertaker vs. Edge (SummerSlam 2008)
Glacier - This was one of my favorite Cell matches because it involved two of my favorite wrestlers - Edge and Undertaker. It was brutal and the ending was like something out of a movie when Taker sent Edge to Hell; that being a three month vacation. I'm not a fan of Hell, Skitz. It's too hot down there... I would melt.
SkitZ - Firstly, that was an atrocious joke. And while I don't like seeing any harm come to my Edgykins, the ass raping he took at SummerSlam last year was magnificent. Given Copeland's sly character, his mindset heading into HIAC was tremendous and the build-up to the bout was off the charts. A wonderful way to cap off the lengthy Edge/Taker rivalry.
Glacier - It was. When Vickie told Edge that Taker was returning and he would face him in Hell in a Cell, I marked out like you do when you're getting fondled by a pedophile. Four and a half ice blocks for this one, Skitz.
SkitZ - Also, the conclusion was perfectly booked with Undertaker exacting revenge for all the dastardly things Edge had done to him over the previous months. Nice spots throughout and while Taker & the Ultimate Opportunist never scaled the structure, plenty of dudes popped boners when Copeland speared The Phenom through the cell wall.
Glacier - I agree. Which brings us to numero uno. The big one. The best Undertaker Hell in a Cell match...
1. Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels (Bad Blood 1997)
Glacier - The first Hell in a Cell match ever. It delivered in more ways than one. Tell us about it, Skitz.
SkitZ - Nah I'd rather not. You do the honors, SubZero.
Glacier - Alright. This feud began at SummerSlam 1997 when HBK was the guest referee for the WWF Championship match between the Undertaker and Bret Hart. With a simple swing of the chair, their feud ignited. It carried into In Your House: Ground Zero where the match was thrown out when both men attacked referees and couldn't contain themselves. Over the next few weeks, they would battle all over the arena until the Hell in a Cell match was scheduled. The match itself was an awesome sight to see as a nine year old kid. Both men fought inside and outside of the cell with Shawn falling off the side through an announce table. But there is one hugely important thing to come out of this match. The most important thing being the introduction of Kane. Would you like to tell Kane's story or shall I do more work in YOUR column?
SkitZ - Fuck your history lesson. We've all heard enough. Kane's story has been told a trillion times and doesn't need repeating. Taker/HBK had everything you could ask for and Michaels took his fair share of bumps. Above all else, the debut of HIAC set an impossible standard for future bouts to live up to. Obviously, both of us feel that no other cell match has equaled or exceeded the quality of the first one. And considering how many HIAC contests have followed, I'd say that's quite an accomplishment. It's one of those classic matches where if you haven't seen it, turn off the bootleg porn immediately and jump on YouTube.
Glacier - No doubt. Five ice blocks for this dandy. Taker/HBK is easily my favorite Undertaker cell match. But it's not the BEST HIAC match in WWE history.
SkitZ - And we could really care less. Was that comment supposed to be riddled with suspense? Because if so, you deserve a cum load in the eye. Stick with me and you'll go places, kid.
Glacier - Where are we going to go, Skitz?
SkitZ - Never ask questions unrelated to the topic, SubZero. It's rude.
Glacier - Yes, Skitz. But I'm not SubZero. I'm Glacier!
SkitZ - Mmm. So I've heard. Now what about Taker's HIAC bout with Punk this Sunday? Any early predictions on where the match will fall on the list above?
?. Undertaker vs. CM Punk (Hell In A Cell 2009)
Glacier - It will deliver for sure but like with other cell matches on the card, it will be hurt by the PG rating. The blood factor is also one that could hurt the bout. If all goes well though I could see it being ranked behind Foley/Taker. However it could also be a dud and end up near Batista/Taker. It all depends on how the match is excecuted. As for the result, I see another screwjob finish. Of course they could go the other way and book Taker to win cleanly. At this point, I believe Punk needs to get a win to stay credible. A clean win would do wonders for him and it's not like Taker will lose any credibility by jobbing cleanly.
SkitZ - Fair enough. Honestly, a clean victory for Cookie Monster tonight would be the biggest of his career. At the same time, it's really difficult to picture Punk defeating a mega face cleanly in an environment such as Hell in a Cell.
Glacier - True. So my prediction is Punk goes over Taker... with the help of Kane. That's right. Taker and Kane need to have one last feud and from reports, it doesn't look like Taker has much time left in the 'E. So I'm thinking they pull the trigger on this now and let Punk move on to something else. Possibly Rey or Batista if they fail to win the titles on Sunday or even JoMo if he loses his belt on Sunday. It really could go either way though. I'm just going on my gut feeling.
SkitZ - Well that gut of yours could be onto something because while I don't see a clean win happening in favor of Punk, the momentum is firmly behind the World Heavyweight Champion. Cookie Monster's got tricks up his sleeve and I can definitely see him holding onto the belt until Bragging Rights.
Glacier - Also, there's rumors about a match of champions being booked for Bragging Rights. Cena isn't losing his belt Sunday and I don't see Christian losing the belt on ECW so there's a need for a heel in said match.
SkitZ - For reals. As I mentioned in one of my daily columns, where do Punk and Taker go program-wise after HIAC? How in the hell do you top it in terms of gimmick bouts?
Glacier - If the feud continues, the World Heavyweight Champ will go to the champions match at Bragging Rights and their title will be on the line. So say Punk is in that match. Taker costs him the match and they feud until Survivor Series where they close the coffin on the feud in a Casket Match as Punk wins after interference from Kane. This might be the best way to go as it gives JoMo time to lose his Intercontinental Title and subsequently enter the main event with Punk. Not to mention it sets up Taker vs. Kane.
SkitZ - What the fuck is up with this Kane/Taker obsession? That's the last thing we need to see. I hadn't thought of a Casket match though so good call... maybe. I don't wanna give you too much undeserved credit.
Glacier - I'm just a big fan of Kane/Taker feuds. Their programs never really have a decisive end. So I'm either seeing Kane or Jericho cost Taker the title. They should only use Jericho though if they aren't planning to have Taker/Jericho happen at WrestleMania.
SkitZ - That's it. I'm cutting off your bandwith supply before this turns into fantasy booking of the worst kind. Say your goodbyes, SubZero.
Glacier - First time on the Main Page and I'm being ridiculed by a sugar craving homosexual. Screw this. Enjoy Hell in a Cell tonight, folks.
Hmmmm... the timing seems appropriate for my world renown pay per view predictions. Alicia Fox's been impressive in the ring as of late but mark my words. That colossal forehead of hers will prove costly and Mickie James will retain the Divas Championship. Meanwhile, it's good to see the RAW midcard receiving some love. Everyone's favorite spider monkey has had a great run as United States Champ but it's time to pass the belt along to The Miz. Oh Swagger's in that match too? Like it matters. Abtastic and Ziggler kick off what should be a feud jam packed with stellar matches. Dolph should have snagged the Intercontinental Title from Rey Rey but I sincerely doubt Morrison loses it this early. In fact, he won't. Speaking of The Mexican Jumping Bean, I kinda like management teaming him and Batista together for the time being. Big Dave and Big Show are shit workers but we know full well what Jericho & Mysterio are capable of. JeriShow have been on a roll for months and I don't see it ending tonight. I'm interested to see how much Legacy are on the offensive against DX. Sad part is they can dominate the entire bout but it'll be Hunter and HBK who walk out victorious. No fucking way Cena drops the WWE Championship already. He tends to thrive in gimmick matches so expect The Champ to win in Herculean fashion. Last but not least, I covered Punk/Taker earlier so the fun and games are officially over.
How bout those New York Yankees? I'd prefer them take the final game in the Tampa Bay series instead of entering the postseason on a four game losing streak but at least they've got the division tied up. We welcome those Red Sox with open arms in the ALCS because if memory serves me correctly, New York shit all over Boston during the last several meetings between the two clubs. Meanwhile, the NFL season is heating up something fierce. Really looking forward to the Jets/Saints and Packers/Vikings games. Because the Jets' defense are gonna have their hands full trying to shut down Drew Brees and Brett Favre will be out for revenge despite saying otherwise in recent interviews. The Pats appear to be getting their act together and don't sleep on the Colts for a second. I'm still not sold on Philly either until they play a few quality teams. Donovan McNabb can't stay healthy for five weeks without fucking up a body part.
Plug anything and everything you can get those dirty hands on.
Can I take my 168 hour break now? I provide you dildos with fucked up material to read so it's only fair. Yes I let everyone down with the dailies but there's brighter days ahead. Well mostly sunny with a slight chance of showers but you get my drift. Weeks upon weeks of ideas have been stored away in my mental closet and I'm excited about getting back to posting every Sunday. I guess some sort of thank you is owed to Glacier for chillin' with me today (<--- see what I did there?). Hopefully, he gets lost one day and stumbles onto the Main Page. Stranger things have occured. Alright now place those chubby fingers on that keyboard and shoot me an email at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) for a pleasurable experience sure to never be forgotten. If you'll excuse me, I'm late for my cyber sex session with Simone and she's quite adamant about 'setting the mood'. Later homies.
