Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [57] - Leap Of Faith & Failure
By SkittleZ
Sep 6, 2009 - 12:02:58 AM
[57] - Leap Of Faith & Failure
Ah yes... it's good to see you fuckers again too. Is it seriously September already!? Jesus christ. Well I can't complain about much for the time being. Aside from Simone returning to school 125 miles away, I'm as happy as humanly possible. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? Lets hope that's the case! Welcome for the fifty-seventh time to that cheap form of entertainment known to most as Taste My Rainbow. I'm SkittleZ - the gay poser with lame jokes and an eccentric personality which gets him absolutely nowhere in life. A buddy of mine from the Columns Forum will turn up later in the column but he's got a shitty ass sense of humor so please just force a chuckle or two when he attempts to be funny. As mentioned last week, the schedule should open up now and allow me to post every Sunday like I was a couple months ago. If worse comes to worst, I'll squeak out a column come my deadline every three weeks and rob you bastards of additional fruity goodness.
Could it be??? JeriShow now have legitimate challengers! Wait one second... I'll be honest. At first, I was less than enthused about Big Show being revealed as Jericho's new tag team partner. I mean hey... who's gonna live up to the greatness of Edge? Nonetheless, I'm starting to dig JeriShow as a whole and TBS' role as the eliminator works splendidly. He's never been an excellent talker which is where Jericho comes in to fill that void. The problem I see now is how many credible teams can keep the duo occupied during what is perceived to be a lengthy run as Unified Tag Team Champions. DX is certainly in the discussion but who else? Well the answer appears to be MVP & Mark Henry. And while the WWE pretty much threw them together, it could turn out to be a great move if fans buy into Mark HenVP. Wow that was pathetic. Scratch the forced nickname and erase it from your memory. Hopefully, management gives Porter & Henry a chance in the tag team division since both have been floundering on RAW lately. Both were booked to look like fools on RAW last Monday. So much for building up the underdogs.
So not every match at Breaking Point is a submission match? I claim false advertisement. This pleases me however given the limitations of WWE's overall roster. I'd say only a dozen or so wrestlers have submission maneuvers which they use on a consistent basis. The last thing we wanna see is Randy Orton slowing down a match anymore than he already does. And perhaps this was the perfect time for Rey Rey to get suspended because how the fuck is he supposed to put someone in a submission and make it appear realistic!? Although I'm surprised the Intercontinental Championship was placed on Morrison at the SD tapings instead of Ziggler. If my super duper wrestling senses know anything, we're likely in for a Morrison/Ziggler feud in the VERY near future. Believe it or not, I'm excited for the pay per view and the 'E are setting their latest gimmick up for success in my opinion. Punk/Taker being the one bout I'm especially anticipating. I can't help but speculate how Cookie Monster will be booked against one of the companies' elite veterans.
That Jeff Hardy really knows how to ruin a good thing. While others may not agree, Jeff has had just as good a year in 2009 as anyone else in all of WWE. Two World Heavyweight Championship reigns (technically three), a solid program with his brother and an outstanding feud with Punk. Its' no secret that SmackDown's going to miss Hardy and the ratings he brings in every Friday night but at least the blue brand is better set up than RAW to lose one of its' top stars. It appears those in charge have known of Jeff's departure for weeks given his loss and Undertaker's subsequent return at SummerSlam. I don't think anyone truly knows when Hardy will return. Its' inevitable given his rockstar status but it could be a year or two before we see him on television again. Some might question why he's choosing now to take a leave of absence given his spot in the the company but I'm totally okay with it. The guy knows his limitations and no one in WWE puts their body through more constant abuse than Jeff Hardy.
Enjoy ECW while you can because when the next Draft Lottery comes around, a severe raping will commence. The C brand changes so rapidly nowadays that it's hard to keep track if you miss a few episodes. Alright so I haven't watched ECW for months.... sue me. I do however keep up with the results every week and the influx of new talent is tremendous. The re-emergence of The Hurricane, Zack Ryder's been gimmick overhauled, Sheamus has been tearing it up with Goldust and then there's also this Abraham Washington fellow who looks like a grade A rip-off of The Rock. Roast his testicles over an open fire! Nah just kidding. But in all honesty, ECW's doing great at the moment and offer a solid hour of action every Tuesday. William Regal's stable was smart thinking on someone's behalf too because even if Kozlov & Jackson turn out to be complete flops, the Brit comes out looking like the fucking master of United Nations. Christian fully deserves a nice run as ECW Champion but I figure you gotta put the belt on Regal sooner or later.
Have you ever sat back and wondered what drives Matt Hardy to keep fighting the good fight? Because if my math skills haven't deteriorated too much over the last few years, Matthew's been with WWE for well over a decade and has yet to get his hands on a World Heavyweight Championship. There's been a shit ton of obstacles that have steered him off course from the ultimate prize but such road blocks never slowed down Triple H or Stone Cold. Or for a better example, Matt's younger brother Jeff. Drug suspensions and house fires taken into account, the youngest Hardy managed to capture not one but THREE World Heavyweight Titles in a span of eight months. Fuck jealousy being a simple storyline played out on television. Such incidents must keep Matt awake late at night; cursing heavily into his Captain America pillow. You'd assume brothers so close in age who share the same occupation would be treated as equals but the fact of the matter is Matthew's been dealing with the unfair treatment since his first days with World Wrestling Entertainment.
1998 (A cafeteria in a St. Louis arena prior to Monday night RAW). . .
Jeff & Matt stroll in through the main doors looking timid. Michael Hayes quickly spots them and walks over.
Michael Hayes: Hey! Great to see you two. I can't wait to see what you guys pull off tonight on live TV. Especially you Jeff. That swanton bomb is a certified crowd pleaser.
Matt: *cough*
Michael Hayes: And your finisher too, Matt. What was it again? The diamond cutter knock-off, right?
Matt: Yeah. I mean no! I wouldn't necessarily call it that... however I can see the similarities. I also do a leg drop off the second turnbuckle.
Michael Hayes: Mmmmm. How unoriginal. Well I've gotta jet but please make yourselves at home. Do try and mingle a bit while you're at it. Don't forget that sucking up to the vets always helps.
Hayes exits the cafeteria and Matt slides his hands inside his front pockets while Jeff eyes the buffet. Suddenly, a beautiful blonde woman strolls by and comes to a stop in front of Jeff. She greets him with a smile.
Jeff: Hi. Nice to meet you.
The woman extends her right arm and they shake hands.
Sable: And you as well. I'm Sable. I couldn't help but notice your sideburns. The designs in them are wild. And your hair... what products do you use?
Jeff: Ah wouldn't you like to know! It's a secret family recipe.
Sable: Yeah I bet.
Jeff & Sable begin to laugh when Matt budges into the conversation.
Matt: What about me? I can't be too hard on the eyes either. Haha.
Sable: ... I dunno. That Jew nose might poke an eye out. And your hair is greasy. Showering regularly might help. Ugh catch you guys later.
She headed toward the restrooms and Matt ran his fingers through his hair.
Jeff: Dude... (shakes head) that was weak.
Jeff noticed the line near the buffet had evaporated and closed in on the free food. Matt had been grooming himself and, after realizing he was standing alone, dashed for the bathroom to rinse his hair in the sink.
When Matt re-entered the cafeteria, he spotted Jeff sipping a cup of coffee in the corner and decided to grab himself some. Right before Matt reached the table, none other than Triple H cut in front and grabbed a cup.
Matt: Hunter? Hey man! Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan. Me and my brother both.
Triple H: Thanks dude. You must be the new guys. Harley Boys, right?
Matt: Er... Hardy Boyz. Close enough though. Haha.
Triple H: Whatever. Yeah I've watched a couple of your matches. Not bad. Not bad at all. Your brother's finishing move is awesome.
Matt: Yeah it is... you know I have a finisher too. It's kind of like DDP's -
Triple H: Well I'm gonna stop hogging the coffee, man. She's all yours. Here you go.
Hunter hands Matt a small cup and steps aside.
Matt: Oh... thanks. Appreciate it.
Hardy leans forward to pour the coffee when the bright colors from his cup catch him by surprise. He turns to Hunter with a blank expression.
Matt: A sippy cup? Really? Is this some kind of joke?
Triple H: Don't take it too hard. Everyone has to start somewhere, rookie.
Matt: ... But Jeff got a coffee mug. What's that all about?
Triple H: Drop down and shine my boots, bitch!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Alas, the favoritism is well documented. However I'd argue Matt himself is to blame for the inconsistency throughout his WWE career. Some of the heat can be rightfully aimed at management for shady booking but at the end of the day, Hardy dictates the road ahead. Which means he's also responsible for the past and every time his push has diminished. Now Matt may not have a fan base as large as his brother or quite the same carefree attitude but the MF'ers do indeed exist. The numbers have dwindled down in my opinion but it isn't as if the casual wrestling fan can't enjoy a Matt Hardy bout when he's squaring off against a decent opponent. Take his ECW Title defense versus Evan Bourne at last year's Cyber Sunday for instance. Who wasn't expecting an entertaining contest from them? So it isn't as if Matthew can't put on a solid match. Those promos on the other hand... *shudders*. Speech class in high school could have done the guy wonders.
In retrospect, I personally think it all started after WrestleMania 17 when management thought it would be cool to push Matt & Jeff as singles competitors. They would still tag together on occasion but devoted more attention to the Intercontinental and European Championships. Each won separate gold and enjoyed marginal success apart although it wasn't long before the duo were back together on a full time basis. Now you assume 'okay no harm done'. Only problem is WWE made a mental note of the two occurences. And when the Brand Extension came to fruition the following year, the Hardyz remained on RAW however Matt became a regular on Heat while Jeff was pushed as a singles wrestler on the flagship program. The older Hardy would eventually end up on SmackDown but why not ship him off there in the first place to sell the effectiveness of the Brand Extension? Why risk stunting Matt's growth within the company and the progress he'd made over a five year span?
Fortunately, Hardy would rebound on the blue brand with an awesome gimmick known to most as Version 1 in which Matt worked feverishly to drop weight so he could compete for the Cruiserweight Title. Once the requirements were met, it wasn't long before he won the belt and began dominating the division (not to mention while also attaining great heel heat). After an excellent stint on SmackDown, Matt returned to RAW when things got stale and engaged in a solid feud with Kane over Lita which highlighted Hardy's slight rise in the WWE pecking order. To Matt's dismay, he was in desperate need of knee surgery and thus had to take a leave of absense. So instead of being booked strongly over The Big Red Machine and winning the girl back from the bad guy, Hardy was chokeslammed from the entrance stage and written off television. A major opportunity missed and one of many setbacks to come.
We've come to learn that while Matt was sidelined in 2004 & '05, Lita's slutty ways got the best of her and she started slobbing Edge's knob since Hardy couldn't move too quickly in the bedroom due to his healing leg. Once the affair went public, Matthew was none too happy about being betrayed by his girlfriend and former friend. I mean it was bad enough that Copeland was on the brink of superstardom. Lita sampling the Canadian deli meat was just too much and forced Hardy to take immediate action. The heated words & brawls came at a rapid pace and WWE instantly capitalized on it by transforming the real life drama into a storyline. Now usually the good guy comes out on top but don't forget this is Matt Hardy we're talking about here. Hence Edge topped him in a loser leaves RAW ladder match for Copeland's MITB briefcase and it was back to SmackDown for poor Matthew. I always found it funny how much Hardy was made out to look like a complete bitch in the Matt/Edge/Lita love triangle. The guy does absolutely nothing wrong, has the fans rally behind him and yet the antagonists are put over tenfold. Feuding with Road Warrior Animal for several weeks afterwards should be a pretty good indicator of how much the company values Hardy.
Despite a year plagued with turmoil, Matthew got his fucking act together in 2006. An excellent handful of matches with Gregory Helms were followed by the long awaited reunion of the Hardy Boyz. Matt & Jeff had a stellar first half of 2007 which included money feuds with MNM as well as Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. They dropped the belts in June and while you'd be tempted to say 'all good things must come to an end', that wasn't nearly the case. Hardy waged war with relative newcomer MVP over the United States Title. Porter stood tall against Matt's initial onslaught before the two engaged in an infamous series of contests. MVP and Hardy ended up winning the WWE Tag Team Championships together and began working as a cohesive unit. That was until they dropped the belts to MorriMiz and Porter showed his true colors after the match by beating the shit out of Matt. The stage was set for an awesome climax to their storied feud however a lack of faith would deter Hardy from his first singles title. An emergency appendectomy took Matthew off WWE programming for over four months. Talk about your bad luck. Hardy & MVP were front runners for Feud of the Year and Matt was on the verge of significantly stepping up his game. His momentum seized at the worst possible time.
Hardy would get another crack at success when WM24 rolled around. Matt exacted his revenge and concluded the rivalry with MVP by capturing the United States Championship at Backlash. A trade to ECW in the '08 Draft would see Hardy drop the belt shortly after but waste no time in getting his hands on more hardware. A five month reign as ECW Champion geared up Matt for another heel turn and an intense feud with his brother Jeff. Given his victory at WrestleMania 25, all signs pointed to Matt finally being elevated to the main event. And after moving back to RAW ala the 2009 Draft Lottery, it seemed Hardy had struck it big. Money programs with Triple H and John Cena were surely on the horizon! But again, let us take a few steps back. The man under the microscope is Matt Hardy and he has no business being in the main event scene on RAW. Nope. Instead, the creative team figured they would take advantage of his legit broken hand by incorporating a cast angle in which Matt ran around crying and threatening a formal protest.
I'm not all that hard to please, people. If booked correctly, the cast angle could have gone over well but why was Hardy still mingling with midcarders!? Been there. Done that. Orton, Hunter & Cena can only wrestle so many times before fans resort to blowing their brains out. RAW's midcard is stacked enough. If they're booking fatal four way matches and six pack challenges all the damn time, I doubt they'll miss Hardy all that much. It's null and void now of course since Matt's intestines fucking exploded through his abdominal wall during a match in late June but you get my drift. Hardy vows to win the World Heavyweight Championship one day but do you (and yes that's directed at the reader) truly believe him? If we've learned anything over the past couple of years, Matthew is in the wrong profession. He needs to start selling his organs for huge wads of cash before every one of them goes to shit.
Gazing Into Unk's Crystal Balls Of Fury
Hello there America and all subsequent countries, I am Matt H-H-Hardy -BORING!- You may know me from my many -BORING! CAT SHIT FIST FUCK!- matches, or maybe -PROBABLY! DICKS CANDLES!- my brother Jeff and our team -ONE MAN SHOW! I SUCK DICK!- The Hardy Brothers. You might be wondering why I'm here -NEED MONEY! PENIS ASS HOLE!-, and you may not have noticed it, but I too suffer from the speech impediment known as Turrets Syndrome. I have been diagnosed with -SUCKTITUDE! BALLS DEEP FUCK!- with turrets at the age of 16, around the time I was preparing myself -JJJJERKING OFF! SMALL DICK BUKKAKE!- for puberty. The origin of the name was born from the sound at which the words come out randomly, making it sound as one has a turret for a mouth, like the ones from Halo.
Many assume that there is only one kind of turrets -CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!-, but you'd be surprised to find that there are more than one kind -NO SHIT! UUUGH PENILE WARTS SEX!- and I'm here today to -PUT YOU TO SLEEP! ANAL SQUIRTAGE!- make awareness of the discomfortness of the disease. One type of turrets -LICKS!- is the constant twitching of muscles, one which can't be helped/fixed -MY CHARISMA! SHIT!-, and other movements which can be confused for other diseases, such as Down Syndrome and Parkinsons and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD for short.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Matt: Look man, I'm sorry but I can't keep this up. I don't feel comfortable with the role I've been given here . . . I just can't do it.
Joe: Of course you can't do it, you sound like a retarded version of Zack Ryder, not like someone who has turrets. And did I snort too much coke, or did I just hear the most insulting shit I've ever heard?
Matt: What do you mean insulting?
Joe: You just compared cursing randomly to Parkinsons and fuckin' Down Syndrome. You seriously cannot be so idiotic that you don't notice how dumb that statement is.
Matt: Well in my defense, comparing two lifelong and common diseases is a time proven and time tested way to illicit sympathy from your audience. I felt what I said was logical.
Joe: Well I'm sure Lita felt Edge inside of her often, but that doesn't meant what she was feeling was right. And I dunno why you're even bitchin' Matt; you wanted a role and I fucking got you one. Don't tell me you wanted in on some DiCaprio movie.
Matt: Well that would have been nice Joe.
Joe: You know what you have to do to get in on one of those? You sucked your fair share of penises Matthew, but not enough; especially not in Hollywood baby.
Matt: But c'mon, honestly, you couldn't have gotten me a nice toothpaste commercial, maybe a low level Welch's grape juice one? Hell, I'd do a Costco one over this.
Joe: Listen, you suck. You've been blowing chunks since I've first laid eyes on your worthless and talentless body. Your eyes are horribly misplaced on your face, you seem to have missed the boat on the steroids thing, and you've been wearing the same fucking camo tights from Comicon '98. You're lucky you were even allowed onto the set. Get the fuck back on stage.
And discomfortness isn't a real word, dipshit.
Hi, I'm Matt Hardy, and I -NIGGER!- am here to discuss a subject very near and dear to my heart -INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES!-, Turrets Syndrome.
The answer to TMR [56] was indeed "The Miz". HA now that's what I'm talking about! The end result would happen to be a 25% Correct Guess Ratio which I'd say is a sweet victory for The Candyman. The response to the return of my riddles was better than expected so we shall keep the balls rolling. Given how well this went two weeks ago, I get the feeling this one might doom me in. Is it too obvious? Of course not! The seeds have been planted for an epic swerve. Kudos if you can keep your mind on the straight and narrow for this bad boy.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Who the hell takes more time off than me?
I've had a good run but most would disagree.
From head to toe, I'm really a sight to see.
Just gotta show up and the women scream.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
A little late to the tea party I know but major congratulations to Cicero on his Main Page promotion. I've known him for several months now and the guy's a class act... psych! But Cici does have a knack for producing outlandish pieces of literature. He makes his point by hook or crook and that's what we all love about him. Another Brit on the MP always dampens my spirits but at least he calls America home. If you're looking for comparisons, I'd say a mixture of MadchucK & Uncle Joe but with a deeper vocabulary. Cici knows how to make noise and has been doing so in the Columns Forum for years now. It was a pleasure (business-wise) to call him up to the big leagues and I'm sure he'll deliver in his own unique way. If you're easily offended, Cicero probably shouldn't be your first choice for reading material. Yet with that being said, such pussies would be better suited to lighten the hell up. Its' a travesty of justice not having International Fun Slide in your life.
Might as well hang it up now, Boston. Because there ain't no way in hell they're catching up to the Yankees this season. It doesn't get much better than an eight and a half game lead with a month left (roughly 25 games remaining on the schedule). And to add insult to injury, New York can bury the Red Sox again at the end of the month when the two clubs meet for one final series in Yankee Stadium. There's still a chance that Boston could fall out of contention in the American League Wild Card race as well but I don't wanna get too greedy. Meanwhile, the NFL regular season kicks off this Thursday with Tennessee vs. Pittsburgh! That game's all fine and dandy but I'm mostly interested (like every other football fan) to see what Mike Vick does for the Eagles when he enters the game in Week 3. Now time for one of my world renown predictions and it centers around my favorite team. The Kansas City Chiefs... will go 5-11 and suck major ass again this year. Fuck you and your MCL strain, Matt Cassel.
Time to bid you toodles once again. Mucho gracias to Uncle Joe for assisting me today with some personal matters that couldn't have possibly been completed by my lonesome. In any case, I SHOULD be posting next Sunday but there's no point in promising anymore. If our relationship is gonna stay intact, I must be (mostly) up front and honest with my ongoing shenanigans. There's enough ideas floating around in this tweaked head of mine to last me until November so let us cheers to that. I nearly went with an extension of my tag team section from last week but decided against it at the last second. However it could show up later down the road if things go according to plan... which they hardly ever do. You groupies know the drill by now. Contact me at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) if you wanna speak up or are in search of a gay pen pal. I'm free on week nights *wink wink*. Alright now go out there and procreate you horny bastards! Birth control is for those who fear the unknown (and Doc Monk's cock milk). Later homies.
