Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [56] - SummerSlamFest & A Bunch Of Donkeys
By SkittleZ
Aug 23, 2009 - 1:43:57 AM
[56] - SummerSlamFest & A Bunch Of Donkeys
Holy hell it's been a long fucking time! Put the sharp object down and step off the ledge for your savior is here. Or grim reaper. Either way, you're fucked. All I'm asking for is a few minutes of your time and then I'll be gone anywhere from 7-21 days. Sounds like a bargain to me, bitches! I'm SkittleZ and this is Taste My Rainbow - the gayest thing since gay came to GaysTown. Three weeks since our last rendezvous, eh? Well I blame it on Simone. She's occupied the majority of my time for over a month now and I've been struggling to keep up with the current wrestling product. However Simona Lisa will be returning to school in a few weeks and I'll be left twiddling my thumbs Monday through Thursday so odds are my consistency will pick back up. And if it doesn't, what the fuck do I care? Haven't I done enough for you greedy bastards already? Well I'll keep giving (literally) because it's just part of my selfless nature. That and my mind could use some emptying.
Do botches make you feel awkward? If you watched RAW last Monday night and more specifically the Mickie/Gail Kim match, you probably know what I'm talking about. It's nearly impossible to pull off two consecutive botches however Kim didn't sell the DDT very well at all and James followed it up by completely missing the Mick Kick. It must feel rather odd taking a bump while never actually coming into contact with your opponent. Hell I felt mad uncomfortable just watching from my fucking couch. The misfires reminded me of 2006 when RVD whiffed on the Van Terminator and Kurt Angle sold it like a street whore in search of Crystal Meth. Freddie Prinze, Jr. didn't do too shabby as last week's guest host but c'mon Orton! If you aren't gonna drop the bastard with an RKO or punt him in the skull, don't waste our time. RAW should be interesting tomorrow night when Floyd Mayweather's running the show. Perhaps Big Show can get some revenge for the atrocity that occured at WrestleMania 24...
The undercard of SummerSlam is a bit underwhelming to say the least. I mean Kane versus Khali? Didn't WWE learn from this mistake at Mania two and a half years ago!? Sure Khali's gotten a little more bearable to watch but Kane hasn't changed whatsoever since 2004 and the two do not mix well. Placing this on a PPV in May or October is passable however it doesn't deserve to make the second biggest show of the year. Horse shit. And what do we get out of this? Who benefits from the end result? A definite head shaker but if I had to side with one monster, Khali gains some revenge with a clean victory over The Big Red Machine. Then we have Christian/Regal for the ECW Title barely sneaking onto the card in time. The feud should have been built up better over the last couple weeks and I can't help but think this bout's gonna get fucked for time. Expect good wrestling but no way Christian drops the belt this soon. Regal will have to wait for another day and opportunity.
One guy I've totally soured on is MVP. Admittedly, I was really high on Porter in 2007 and '08 but he simply seems like a shell of his former self. I'm talking mostly about the decline in his in-ring work. Maybe he feels the glass ceiling will never break and his ship has sailed. Whatever the case, Porter better get his fucking act together. And Jack Swagger is a hot mess. The kid just doesn't entertain me in any aspect. MVP could use the win more at the moment so I'm choosing him to defeat Swagger tonight. Dolph Ziggler challenging Rey Rey for the Intercontinental Championship again intrigues me. Their previous encounter at Night of Champions failed to meet expectations and I wonder if the two bounce back with a strong performance. The Mexican Jumping Bean has enjoyed a tremendous summer and what better way to close it out than put over a young cocky heel such as Ziggler? Dolph is primed and ready to carry singles gold. He'll steal away Mysterio's belt for certain.
I know its' been beaten to death around the internet but Big Show really should lose the Mr. Perfect knock-off tights. Not only do they look ridiculous on him but what was wrong with his normal outfit? You know... the Andre throwback. The ones Show's been rocking his entire career! In any case, he's no Edge but TBS works well with Jericho and I believe the two could stretch out this run into the winter months. Big Show's getting old and his body is breaking down so pairing him up with another veteran makes perfect sense. Meanwhile, Taker/Y2J appears destined to take place at WM26 so why not keep Jericho busy tearing up the tag team division with his seven foot amigo? Yes that means I assume Cryme Tyme will lose tonight. They're already like 0-23 in championship matches since being called up to the main roster in 2006. One more defeat isn't gonna hurt! Or even better, this could lead to the break-up of Shad & JTG! Since we know how much WWE loves splitting up every decent fucking team that comes along.
Ah I see Triple H & HBK are back together as the D-Generation X Reunion Tour appears set to start up once again. Hey both of them aren't getting any younger and they're huge fan favorites so why the hell not? I doubt this latest stint carries on as long as the last however it keeps Hunter away from Orton (at least temporarily). Are Legacy a formidable foe to The Game and Michaels? Um I have a greater chance of getting laid tonight than Rhodes & Dibiase do escaping with a victory (Note: my girlfriend's on the rag). If there was any hesitation, Legacy's assault on DX last Monday solidified the outcome. HHH and The Heartbreak Kid will demolish Orton's cronies and then probably go on to own them for the next several weeks. Dibiase & Rhodes will fight valiantly but at the end of the day, they're no match for a McMahon and Mr. Montreal Screwjob. Life is unfair like that sometimes. Just ask my cock.
The booking of Orton vs. Cena had me skeptical at first but its' been a good while since they battled one on one and it pretty much guarantees us a solid bout. Since returning from pectoral surgery in January 2008, Cena's win/loss ratio has balanced out significantly. Perhaps that explains why fans aren't quite as harsh on him nowadays. The past 22 months have also proved that Cena doesn't need the WWE Championship to remain mega over with the audience. One can argue he's more popular now than at any point in his career. In the other corner, Orton's been the focal point of RAW throughout 2009. This is a rematch of SummerSlam two years ago only now The Legend Killer enters as the reigning champ. The absurd amount of title changes this year would indicate a new title holder however I disagree with those figures. Therefore, Orton weasels out of Los Angeles with the WWE Championship.
Will the TLC match receive the nod as main event over Cena/Orton? I'd like to think so especially if this is Jeff's farewell match for the time being. Hardy will be that much more motivated to kill himself so he can send the fans home happy. It had become increasingly annoying to watch Jeff get title shot after title shot but I disagree with originally removing the World Heavyweight Title from Punk. Cookie Monster's been on fire and he's suddenly forced to take a back seat so Hardy can enjoy a goodbye championship reign!? Bullshit I say. And if yet another heel turn isn't behind Matt's sudden change of attitude, WWE management should be shot and killed. Then what was the point of repeatedly putting him over his brother Jeff in the first few months of the year? Whether the defending champ is leaving the company or not, Punk deserves to reclaim the title immediately. I'm feeling a second brother betrayal which leads to Cookie Monster winning his third World Championship. And what's with WWE's instant fascination of hot shotting the World Titles at every pay per view? Allow Punk to fucking hold the belt until October or November.
An intricate part of the Attitude Era's success hinged on WWE's crop of tag teams. There were an abundance of popular tandems in the late 90's and the key was they stuck together for long periods of time. Yeah we might have seen duos split up every now and then but it was never permanent. You had the Hardy Boyz, Dudleys, Edge & Christian, APA, Too Cool, New Age Outlaws and several other teams which escape me at the moment. Doesn't it seem like the tag division has been less than stellar for years now!? The reason for that being WWE's inability to keep a tandem united for more than a few fucking months. Is it really so damn difficult? And how does no one from management not realize that most of these guys are doomed for failure once set on separate paths? The companies' questionable behavior has been bugging me since around 2006 and the only way to get this burden off my chest is discussing some horrible personnel decisions. For such a powerful corporation, those in charge at World Wrestling Entertainment sure do make some bone headed moves. Now we could sit here and construct a rather lengthy list however I've got somewhat of a life so we'll limit it to just a handful. Feel free to point out any notable duos I fail to mention below.
The World's Greatest Tag Team
There's always going to be a significant group out there who truly believe Shelton Benjamin can make it big on his own but those people are holding on to false hope. Sometimes you just gotta come to grips with reality. If the guy isn't included in main events by now, he'll never be. The motherfucker received his initial singles push over five years ago! Now there's no reason why he can't transform into a tremendous midcarder and it isn't as if the WWE couldn't use more of those. Meanwhile, Charlie Haas is pretty much a lost cause. He possesses some impressive mat based wrestling skills but that's not gonna get you far nowadays. Personality is pivotal and if you can't talk your way out of a paper bag, good fucking luck being successful in the wrestling business. I thought the company had remedied the situation momentarily and salvaged Haas' job in the process with the impersonator gimmick but they went and fucked that up too!
Not many teams gelled from the beginning like The World's Greatest Tag Team. Haas & Benjamin both received huge breaks by debuting as Kurt Angle's henchmen (who was well established in WWE by the time they hit the scene in late 2002). The tandem were heralded amateur wrestlers in college and caught attention quickly with their athleticism and matching gay tights. Easily the tag team of the year in 2003 and what does the company do? Yes taking the duo to new heights would appear likely but that's not quite what transpired. Someone at WWE Headquarters thought it would be a grand idea to split Haas & Benjamin up via the Draft Lottery. I can't help but think the two had entirely different mindsets at the time. Shelton headed to RAW telling himself "finally I'm free of that cracker and can show the world my abilities!" while Charlie shook his head muttering "dammit I'm fucked without Benjamin to hide behind!". WWE made the right move by reuniting TWGTT in '06 but screwed up again when they sent Shelton to ECW looking like a Sisqo wannabe.
WWE...
Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade
This one never made sense to me whatsoever. Tell me what these two could possibly accomplish on their own!? Given Cade and Murdoch's respective departures, I think the previous question answers itself. They were your typical redneck heels and complimented each other well. I believe they captured a pair of World Tag Team Titles during their WWE tenure but it's a crying shame the tandem didn't accumulate even more gold. Cade & Murdoch showed up in late 2005 and really hit their stride in 2007 after some excellent matches with the Hardyz showcased what the duo brought to the table. However it wasn't long before another Draft Lottery reared its' ugly head and led to the break up of WWE's resident hillbillies. So Trevor Murdoch was sent to SmackDown... and fired before he even debuted! Back on RAW, Lance Cade received the opportunity to work with Chris Jericho however he only lasted about three months longer than his former partner.
What fucking sense did it make to split Cade & Murdoch up if they were just gonna get released within the next four months!? Sheer blasphemy. Even though Lance Cade sounds like a kid I used to bully in grade school (and me bullying anyone is humorous itself), allowing him to learn under Jericho's guidance was a smart business move. Did it pay off? Hell no. But it was a low risk/potentially high reward scenario. I don't see how anyone who's half competent felt Trevor Murdoch singing on a live microphone could translate into a winning formula. Shouldn't Jillian Hall's ear drum shattering renditions have saved something like that from happening? Perhaps WWE management are a bunch of malicious bastards who enjoy treating their lower employees like puppets. All I know for sure is splitting up Cade & Murdoch did nobody favors. In an age where solid tag teams can be hard to come by, why tear apart two guys who garner respectable heel heat and stand no chance as singles wrestlers?
WWE! You're such a...
Carlito & Primo
This one's the most recent head scratcher and ultimately motivated me to bitch about such travesties. Just take a look at Primo for a second. Forget his wrestling background, family heritage, etc. At the expense of sounding racist, doesn't he appear way more likely to start a landscaping business than represent WWE as Intercontinental or United States Champion? Primo isn't unbearable on the mic but he could use a few ESL classes to work on his broken English. Nothing about the guy grabs your attention and that's going to work against him. His brother Carlito is the same old story. It's like a broken fucking record. He's a lazy worker who expects the world to be handed to him on a silver platter. Good thing Vinnie Mac seems to like him or Carly would've gotten the Manu treatment years ago. If the Ric Flair promo in 2007 didn't serve as enough of a wake-up call for Carlito to get his ass in gear, fuck that Puerto Rican in his crusty mudhole.
People like Carly who squander multiple opportunities aren't worth chasing after. While still relatively young, I believe his window has shut and management are tired of waiting for Carlito to give a damn. Perhaps those horrendous skits with Hornswoggle back in 2007 caused him to give up on caring about wrestling (and life in general). In any case, I see no rationalism in dividing the two brothers after less than a year of teaming together. They were high flying, interacted with the audience and provided WWE with a strong babyface duo. Yet after an impressive run as WWE/Unified Tag Team Champions, Carly & Primo instantly come to blows and face off against one another. To steal a line from a well-known individual, who books this crap!? I predict Primo will be handed a pink slip before Christmas and Carlito won't be far behind his brother in the unemployment department. Hey warehouses are always hiring Hispan... er... hard workers. Oh wait that means Carly's shit out of luck.
WWE...
Paul London & Brian Kendrick
Talk about small guys dominating a division. These two were exciting to watch and appeared on the verge of emerging as that next epic tag team. I felt said moment came at Armageddon 2006 when London & Kendrick retained their belts in a much talked about four way ladder match (the one where Joey Mercury pulled a Michael Jackson by nearly losing his nose during a ladder slingshot maneuver) however WWE obviously had other plans. Or did they? If the tandem wasn't taken seriously, they damn well should have been. You only have to look at the team's body of work during their year long reign in 2006 and '07. Challengers after challengers were turned back and it appeared Londrick were reigniting tag team wrestling in WWE. I still believe to this day that the duos switch to RAW during the 2007 Draft set the wheels in motion for an impending break-up. While the tandem had exhausted just about all options on the blue brand, RAW is known more as the entertainment program and Londrick were suddenly scrapping to get TV time!
Paul London's smiling incident during the limo explosion episode probably didn't help but it shouldn't have led to the team's burial. Their year together on RAW in 2007 & 08 was one to forget and when another Draft Lottery rolled around, Brian Kendrick was shipped off to SmackDown. I was pleasantly surprised to witness him be given a suitable gimmick and intimidating bodyguard. The company had an agenda for the kid! Or at least for the remainder of 2008 until they grew bored. Poor London didn't even last that long. While Kendrick mastered his craft, him and London were simply too small to make it big solo. Which is why the two should have never been split up to begin with! Both guys are young and had the tools to become the next Hardy Boyz. Fans loved them and legitimately bought into the duo. Well SmackDown's regular audience did anyway. Two measly years of Londrick was an injustice and huge mistake on the WWE's behalf. Modern day tag teams appear to be quite disposable.
WWE...
The Miz & John Morrison
Most of you are going to look at this one funny given the recent success of both men but hear me out. How fucking awesome were MorriMiz when they were together? Everyone loved them and that's not even a huge exaggeration! The majority of us were skeptical when the group first began teaming because Miz hadn't accomplished shit and Morrison appeared to be stuck in neutral. However we witnessed both men benefit greatly from working alongside each other. The former tandem may be set up to succeed and although each is doing exceptional on their respective brands, I'm a firm believer the split came too soon. Not because Morrison & Miz aren't ready to venture out and become breakout stars in WWE. No I think this summer has proven they are more than capable. If anything, MorriMiz needed to remain together if tag team wrestling had a chance in hell of avoiding extinction in WWE. Tag teams will continue to come and go but don't expect any of them to last long enough for fans to remember 15 years from now.
MorriMiz had tag team wrestling as heels figured out and much like Cade & Murdoch, two title reigns was a disgrace when you consider what they achieved in such a short span. Their chemistry was superb and they made incredible strides to become WWE's top duo. Any group booked decently against DX must be in good graces with management. Despite being mega heels, MorriMiz were constantly piling up the victories and it signified the companies' faith in them. Too bad like all of the other tag teams we've discussed, Morrison & Miz met the same demise thanks to that damn Draft Lottery. Miz turned on his partner, Morrison quickly evolved into a charismatic babyface and the rest is history. My opinion is there was no need to speed up the process so early in both men's careers. Morrison and Miz still need grooming and working together for an additional two or three years wouldn't have hurt. Plus, I miss Morrison's sparkly abs.
WWE...
Yes it's true! SkittleZ' Riddles have returned safe and sound. Full time? Well that's still a mystery as of posting time. My greatest invention has been in hiding long enough. This one came to me at work today and while it reads well, I mainly hope it poses a challenge against the masses. Hopefully, I haven't lost what little edge I had at this tomfoolery. Chances are the response to this riddle will dictate its' future in my columns. So speak now or forever hold your peace, fuckwads!
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It gets me in trouble... my uncharming wit.
All that hard work just to quickly submit.
Slanderous and childish acts I commit.
I make those non-casual fans throw fits.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
(sigh) Unfortunately, fellow Main Pager JoeyShinobi passed away on Friday morning after a long battle with testicular cancer. Nah I'm just kidding... but it is a downer to see one of this website's best writers step down. Despite being a filthy Brit, Joseph is a good friend of mine and he's way better with words than I'll probably ever be. He's going on a hiatus and there's no set date for when Shinobi will return. I can't help but think however that he'll grace the Main Page again in the not-so-distant future. On the other side of the spectrum, you might have noticed Doc Monk is now operating LOP's version of Fact or Fiction. Two editions are already in the books and he's done an excellent job giving the column a nice change of pace. Please check out the July and August installments if you're interested. Also, I encourage you to leave his guests feedback. F or F might be known for many things but the responses they've generated historically leave much to be desired.
Woot woot! My New York Yankees are comfortably ahead of the Red Sox in the American League East and I couldn't be happier. I'll take a six and a half game lead in late August any day. Sure Boston raped the hell out of the Yanks last night in Fenway Park however that came the night after New York dropped twenty runs on those sorry fuckers. The club really is clicking on all cylinders at the moment and will be a forced to be reckoned with no matter who they go up against. The Yanks could fail miserably in the postseason as long as they stick it to Boston on the way out. New York's rotation is crazy strong, their line-up is ridiculous and delivering clutch hits to seal wins happens more often than not. Unless a few critical injuries take place in the following month, there's no reason why the Yankees can't capture a 27th World Championship in October. All of the pieces have finally fallen into place. Now if A-Rod could just hit a few walk-off home runs and earn that paycheck!
Plugs are the new fisting...
Uncle Joe wrote it so you know some kinky dirty shit is bound to be included. Boners and joints galore! - That Sure is Gaping
And we're done. Time to shut the studio down and call it a day. As far as my consistency is concerned, I apologize for being so damn absent lately (women and work will do that to you). While I'm not gonna sit here and make any shallow promises, the schedule should open up in September. I know you were all promised a parody column and this was the complete opposite but fear not as its' slated for posting next Sunday. Come to think of it, the following three columns will mostly likely be fictional pieces. Anyways, enough about the future. Let us focus on the present instead. Your voice is vital so please be a generous soul and hit me up at (SkitzLOP@aol.com). I'm tired as fuck so this is where fun time ends. Summer's almost over so get out there and enjoy it while you still can. Tanning nude ain't a bad way to go but it might not be for everyone. Just get out of the house and fucking do something with your pathetic life. Later homies.
