Posted in: Taste My Rainbow TMR [35] - Stealing DaveyBoy's Thunder (Revenge Is Bittersweet)
By SkittleZ
Jan 18, 2009 - 4:51:11 AM
[35] - Stealing DaveyBoy's Thunder (Revenge Is Bittersweet)
Oh snap, crackle and pop! Damn I never get tired of the same old routine. Especially when I can make a mockery of a fellow Main Pager who's been here six years longer than me without any consequences or repercussions. (sigh) But we'll get to that a little bit later. For now, I just want you to take a deep breath and prepare to plunge into a whirlwind of offensive slurs and obscenities. Psh! What kind of three ring circus you think I'm running here? We've cleaned up our act and are all about good clean fun these days. Or at least that's what I tell my boss. My name is SkittleZ and this puppy goes by the name of Taste My Rainbow. The only column you'll find where cosmetics are essential to its' survival. Despite my empty wallet and the chilling temperatures, I am in high spirits and ready for another roller coaster ride of ridiculousness! What that entails exactly is beyond me but hey... it beats some lame run of the mill shit, right?
So I read recently that Jack Swagger is the new ECW Champion. Please excuse my lack of enthusiasm but who the fuck is Jack Swagger!? Sounds like a crappy replacement for the Crocodile Hunter. Jesus Christ. No wonder people don't watch that damn show. I remember meandering through a convenient store a few months back and I stopped in the magazine aisle to read up on some wrasslin'. The main section of the magazine was dedicated to the Swagster; where he came from and his overwhelming potential. He didn't interest me in the slightest so I flipped past the article without a second thought. Did I make a mistake? You tell me. Knowing the WWE, Swagger will make his way onto the card for WM25 if they are this confident in his abilities. I did expect Matt to hold the title through Mania but whatever. It isn't like he needs the belt to prove his worth. As for the new ECW Champion, I'll give him a watch when he makes an appearance on RAW or SmackDown. So far, the most entertaining thing I've heard about Swagger is his lisp. Now that's a standout feature right there. And I don't give a shit about J.R. and his biased opinions. The kid went to Oklahoma and had dinner at Ross' home on multiple occasions. Favoritism anyone?
Are you excited about Vinnie Mac returning to RAW tomorrow night!? I guess I am in a way. Only because you know when the boss returns to the show after a lengthy hiatus, major things are gonna start happening. Plus, it'll be interesting to see if Vince begins a massive man search in order to find out who's responsible for the entire damn RAW set collapsing on top of him last June. Given the shocked look on her face when Jericho informed her that Dad was returning to RAW, you've got to wonder if Stephanie is going to take any heat from the way she's handled the show over the last couple months. Will we see Shane return to television in the weeks leading up to WrestleMania 25? Is another unfortunate employee about to join the infamous Kiss My Ass club? And are we on the verge of another McMahon family power struggle!? So many questions that need answering!
SmackDown's tag teams = horse shit. And don't try to disagree with me on this either. RAW has an impressive young duo in Priceless and an entertaining tandem such as Cryme Tyme. Even ECW has Finlay and Horny who are fan favorites as well as the stellar duo of Miz and John Morrison. When compared to tag teams of that stature (LoL @ Hornswoggle), SmackDown just can't rightfully compare. Jesse & Festus are alright but merely a bland tag team that will only ever win the WWE Tag Titles by fluke. You have Edge clones #1 and #2 who should have just remained in Copeland's shadow because there's no hope for them. Have people really forgotten about the crappy ass Major Brothers that quickly? Not that I can blame them. And then there's Carlito and Primo who I wouldn't call slouches but they seem to lack that big quality which makes them stick out from the crowd. Carlito has soured me over the years with his constant bitching (see Taste My Rainbow [23]) and Primo really doesn't bring anything to the table out of the ordinary. Oh and I'm calling it right now. Manu and Snuka will end up on SmackDown in a few weeks as a regular tag team and boy... won't they improve the tag team scene on the blue brand!
HOORAY! A true Olympic medalist is on his way back to the WWE! What was that? Mark Henry doesn't count, silly. He ate his medals years ago! Supposedly mistaked them for diet pills. No I am talking about the one and only Kurt Angle. Remember the guy who was downing painkillers like they were after dinner mints? The one who pleaded for time off but never got it and was forced to work even harder by his ungrateful boss? Yep that's him! Oh how money can heal all wounds. I honestly thought Angle would never return to the WWE after parting ways with the company in late 2006. Especially after he took shots at Vince and other wrestlers countless times in various interviews. I would assume Kurt wouldn't be back full time until after Mania but there's a small chance he could still play a role in the event. I almost wished he would just stay with TNA. They really can't afford to lose any other big names and we don't want the WWE being held responsible when the guy finally overdoses.
To be honest, I am still bitter over my back-to-back losses to DaveyBoy in our well documented PPV Prediction Contests. I waged war with the Wonder from DownUnder for two straight years and came up empty handed with nothing to show for my efforts. There's been times where I felt I'd finally moved past the incident but I've come to terms with the fact that something needs to be done. A definitive act to put DaveyGirl's victories behind me once and for all. As we all know, Mr. Foreigner loves to make his predictions for WrestleMania right after Survivor Series ever year. So I figured drawing up my own Mania predictions right before the Royal Rumble would be sufficient enough revenge. This way, I can rip off one of the simple concepts he's made famous while also making more articulate predictions then he was able to nearly two months ago. Now if Davey had just laid down and accepted defeat in the first place, none of this would've happened.
Women's Champion Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez vs. Melina & Mickie James
Lets face it. Santino is the only reason any of us really give a flying fuck about the Women's division. The guy is a comedic genius and you know there's not a chance in hell he isn't involved in the 25th Anniversary of Mania. Therefore, Beth Phoenix needs to be a part of the show in some way, shape or form and why wouldn't she? Easily the most dominant Diva in the WWE over the last year and a half. Now while I'd love to go all out and predict something along the lines of Beth Phoenix and Gail Kim in a Champions versus Champions contest, I've got to face reality. Gail Kim hasn't even made her debut yet not to mention she would have to take the Divas Title from Maryse (who's currently sidelined with an injury). With the timing of Rosa Mendez' debut in the company, the stars appear to be aligning for something involving RAW's newest Diva at WM25. Initially, I figured Mendez could face Melina for the Women's Title but I don't see her stepping up to that level so soon. Alas, I've decided to take the easy way out by predicting a basic Divas tag team bout. There could be a stipulation or gimmick though I doubt it. And don't we already have some chick named Mendez? Has it really got to the point where Divas have the same name? It's hard enough to memorize them! Get a little creative already. What's wrong with He-Woman or SuperBitch?
Mr. Kennedy vs. MVP
No need to vomit. Just hear me out. While these two both seem shoe-ins for the MITB ladder match, we all know neither of them are walking away with the briefcase and I think there's more constructive ways the company can utilize them. Call me crazy but I believe all the jawing MVP and Kennedy have been doing isn't just to keep Mr. Handicrap on television while he's recovering. Basically, there's more than meets the eye. I've heard multiple rumors claiming MVP's major losing streak is set to eventually turn Porter face. While he's still yet to hit that second gear, Kennedy would be better off as the arrogant bad guy. Solution? While MVP falls back into a losing slump, continue the trash talk between him and Kennedy. When Kennedy finally returns to action in late February, take it to the next level with several physical altercations between them. This leads to a one on one bout at Mania and if the WWE play their cards right, can pull off a double turn (first one in ages)! Kennedy and MVP have styles that I believe would mesh well together; leading to a solid match and a memorable moment. Oh and Porter had better win this fucking match. Tis' when MVP gets back to his winning ways! And if I were Kennedy, I'd certainly stick to my day job (even though he can barely do that right).
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Rey Mysterio vs. The Brian Kendrick vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Evan Bourne vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger
Can the WWE ever pick a specific number of participants or do they like to mix it up and keep us on our toes? I wouldn't be surprised if we see five or nine guys in MITB this year. My selections came rather easy since none of them fit in well anywhere else on the card. We can't ever count out the Mexican Jumping Bean especially these days when the company is taking the "Worlds Biggest Underdog" moniker to unprecedented heights. However I think we're all still suffering nightmares from Rey Rey's shit title reign in 2006. Kendrick makes it because he's earned it with his fantastic heel work on SmackDown, an abnormally large black man stands in his corner and the dude flat out gets it done in ladder matches. Benjamin isn't only the token black dude here but also the token Money in the Bank participant. While it seems stagnant to some fans, Shelton should thank his lucks stars for the opportunity to appear at the event given that the United States Title is defended at WrestleMania about once every eight years! I expect Evan Bourne to be back some time in February and inserted strictly for entertainment purposes. Who doesn't wanna see a white Rey Mysterio fly and flip all over the ring?
Instead of defending the WWE Tag Team Titles, I have Morrison and Miz booked to help tear down the house. Morrison is the more gifted and athletic of the duo so I'd love to see him throw fear out the window and dazzle us with a high flying display. No bullshit either where Miz and Morrison come to blows and it leads to a split/feud between them. With this many guys in MITB, keeping them separated and a constant dual threat should be achievable without question. And rounding out the group, we have Jack Swagger. Even your little brother knows the ECW belt is no World Title so allowing the Swagster to walk into this match as reigning champ should be no problem. Aside from the Royal Rumble, this will be his big chance to impress a worldwide audience so he better deliver or I'll curse him for the rest of eternity! Picking a victory is going to be tough. Perhaps Mysterio, Morrison or Swagger? Fuck I don't know.
Big Show vs. Umaga
Big Show and Umaga are both heels? No shit, fagnuts. And leave my generic one on one bouts along dammit! WWE originally had this match scheduled for SummerSlam back in August of last year. That was until the Samoan Bulldozer got a little too intense and tore his MCL. Er.... I mean ECL. You fucking get my drift. With TBS and Umaga being two of the most agile big men in the company, a match such as this could take most people by surprise. I have no doubt the Samoan Bulldozer can take Big Show off his feet a few times too. From a storyline perspective, this one sets up nicely without much effort. As Big Show does more and more favors for Vicky, he becomes more commanding of a shot at Edge's WWE Championship as time goes on. Reluctant to give it to him because of her husband/fiance being the current titleholder, Vicky denies TBS a World Championship match. Big Show goes after the Rated R Superstar out of revenge and turns back face (for the 28th time) in the process. With Big Show becoming quite the nuisance, the SmackDown GM sicks the returning Umaga on him to take TBS out of the picture. The two monsters are forced to square off in Houston.
Six Man Tag Team Match
The Legacy (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase) vs. Kane, CM Punk and Kofi Kingston
Don't even give me that fucking scowl (*cough* T.O. *cough*). Randy Orton deserves to be in a high profile match you ask? Isn't this high profile enough? Feuds with all of RAW's top faces aren't an option because all have been done recently. I had a one on one bout between Orton and Kane in mind for the longest time but the company blew that one last Monday night on RAW (congratulations!). The Big Red Machine must defend the dim-witted Kelly Kelly and so he still has unfinished business with the Legend Killer as does another man. If you think back to last fall, CM Punk never evened the score with Orton and his clones. When you factor in the battles Punk and Kofi waged with Priceless several months ago, all six men are bound to duke it out one way or another and this is the way to go about it in my opinion. This will give young individuals like Rhodes, Dibiase and Kingston some big time exposure and can help build on The Legacy's momentum. I hope you weren't secretly rooting for the Big Red Machine and the Straight Edge Superstar to walk out with a win here. When in the blue hell do Kane and CM Punk ever win matches of any importance!?
Street Fight
Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy
Admittedly, I could be way off here opponent-wise. No way Jeff gets suckered into another MITB ladder match coming off of his first WWE Title stint. Just like Edge found himself in the same situation in 2006, Jeff deserves a big time match that can quite possibly steal the show. It's no big mystery that this anonymous attacker will need to be revealed at some point soon. The company has done a good job with the angle as to keep it open for any number of superstars to return. Christian is definitely at the top of the list but I keep wondering if the WWE will not bite their tongue and save his long awaited return for after Mania. Christian and Jeff have plenty of history but I'm feeling the ECW Title was taken off of Matt Hardy for a reason. What better time to run this rivalry and what better motive does Matt need? Jealousy pure and simple. Matt has been the great big brother who's always been there for Jeff. Even through all the screw ups, suspensions and drug addictions. While Matt has busted his ass for years to reach the main event, Jeff has fucked up time and time again only to still win the WWE Championship. It almost doesn't seem fair to Matt and he goes off the deep end so to speak. Matt has proved that he can pull off being heel and these two, if put in the right environment (hence my stipulation), can put on an absolute classic.
The Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho
I will legitimately be pissed if this match doesn't materialize. The timing is perfect. The storyline is basic but brilliant too because of the gentlemen involved. And only a bad case of explosive diarrhea could prevent these two veterans from taking our breath away. Um.... a little too homo? Jericho and Taker would surely rip each others' asses apart. No that's just making it worse now. Alright moving on. Laying the foundation for this baby is a piece of cake. After Chris Jericho was fired from RAW by Stephanie, he's going to be pissed and extremely bitter so it'd make no sense for him to go back. Vicky is always trying to derail contenders for her Edgykins and his championship aspirations. To this day, The Undertaker is still a gigantic threat to their rule over SmackDown and the Deadman is someone who Vicky will inevitably want to be taken care of. Enter Y2J. In a superb GM move, Guerrero recruits Jericho to join the blue brand and dispose of The Deadman. And what greater way to do so than by ending his WrestleMania win streak? Both men have been with the company since the 90's and have yet to ever feud extensively. This one is years in the making and a program of this magnitude can be stretched out for the long haul (ala Taker/Edge in 2008).
WWE Championship Match
Edge vs. Triple H
Does this match really do much for you? I'm a ridiculous Adam Copeland mark and even yours truly is on the fence here. A few months ago, I was hoping and praying that the company would hold off on a HHH/Edge/Jeff bout for the WWE Title as it was best served to go down at WM25. That way, we get an electric match and a sensational WrestleMania moment in Jeff finally winning the big one. Reality gave us the same result at shit PPV #11 aka Armageddon. Now we are being treated to a fun game of hot potato with the belt in hopes that we suddenly forget Triple H just had the title when he regains it in April. While their lame run-in and match back at the Great American Bash probably didn't help matters, I still have total faith in the quality of this contest. The company has a knack historically of one World Title changing hands at WrestleMania and the other being retained. Such is evident with five of the last six Mania events. Edge escaping with the WWE Championship may not be too far fetched but the stat pertaining to The Game being winless at WrestleMania since 2003 looms extra large in this scenario. Considering all the elements, a thirteenth World Title reign appears to be on its' way. Poor Edge is like the one minute man when it comes to respectable title runs.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
JBL vs. Shawn Michaels
Only WWE can crap out this type of cheesy drama and captivate audiences like they've been doing with the JBL/Shawn Michaels storyline. Just goes to show you how caught up the fans can get when the angle revolves around something that hits home. Our economy is in the shitter and many of us are feeling the overbearing consequences of it. Though HBK receives some of the fattest paychecks in professional wrestling today, you can't help but feel for the guy since Michaels is capable of such award winning performances. For those who firmly believe JBL's bland style will water down this potential bout, I say look no further than Shawn's match with Flair last March. The Nature Boy was right around route 60, his move set was limited to punches, chops and the Figure Four Leglock and HBK still transformed their epic encounter into a Match of the Year contender. What's to say he can't do that with a much younger and far more brutal JBL? And I truly believe this angle will be unsuccessful if booked as a non-title contest. If HBK is supposed to break his agreement with Bradshaw and survive financially on his own, he needs a large sum of money from some source obviously. J.R. and Cole blab all the time about how bonuses maximize when one captures a World Title. Try to envision this here with me for a second. The struggling religious family man conquers evil. The big bad guy tumbles off his throne and down the mountain. HBK wins the World Heavyweight Championship in his home state of Texas and celebrates as the crowd goes bonkers. Is that not some beautiful poetic shit?
Legend vs. Icon
John Cena vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
I'm really not asking for all that much. I mean if Stone Cold's going to be in Houston anyways for the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, why not just bring the old wrestling gear and suit up the following night? AND TEAR DOWN THE HOUSE WITH JOHN CENA IN THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF SCREAMING TEXANS!!! This way, Austin won't have to deal with Hulk Hogan's shenanigans or take heat for not putting over a guy like Randy Orton in his final match. I say we go with the safe alternative here and rehash Rock/Hogan from WM18. Cena would get booed no matter where the event were being held but deep in the heart of Texas? I sense another One Night Stand hostile situation coming. However, Cena has proved himself to be the consummate professional and has handled more than his fair share of riot-esque environments (see Unforgiven 2006). John Cena is no stranger to being the hated good guy and I have no doubt the Texas Rattlesnake would take full advantage.
Even taking Stone Cold's absence from the wrestling ring into account, this would undoubtedly go down as one of the biggest matches of all time. In the company of Hogan/Andre from WM3 and HBK/Flair from WM24. The two biggest superstars from the last two WWE era's facing off for ultimate bragging rights in a clash that avid fans will take to their graves. Cena is at the peak of his career and Stone Cold is about to experience his final encore. What better storyline or bullshit reasons do we need for this to take place? This bout would also go a long way in putting John Cena in that elite class for good thus shutting up a decent amount of his vile critics. Stone Cold would need to win this match not only because he was the bigger star of the two but because it's the right thing to do. Austin revolutionized the wrestling industry and rightfully deserves to go out on top. Shit.... if Stone Cold never ran into so many long lasting injuries, one can only imagine to what degree he would have cemented his legacy. All I know is if Vince and his cronies want to send WrestleMania 25 off with a bang, this match needs to be checked off the fantasy list.
Gave me that card and I'll be one happy fucking customer. Grace me with a show of that magnitude and I'll give up sex for a year. Oh who am I kidding.... I haven't been intimate with anything other than my left hand since July! Nonetheless, I'm hoping the company steps it up and exceeds my expectations. As far as all the extra oomph put into this show, it should be the biggest spectacle we've seen since WrestleMania 20. I really wouldn't be shocked whatsoever if the event is extended to five hours as was the case in 2004. I know I listed it as last but I'd definitely go with HBK/JBL as the main event unless Austin and Cena were planning on delivering a fucking classic. Hopefully, not too many matches get cut short because of all the backstage mumbo jumbo that goes on every year. As long as WM25 concludes with a celebrating Stone Cold or Shawn Michaels, you'll be hard pressed to find any naysayers.
The answer to TMR [34] was indeed "Hacksaw Jim Duggan". I must admit I'm feeling pretty relieved to have escaped my last riddle with a 28% Correct Guess Ratio. A buddy of mine told me it was rather easy to figure out so I braced myself for the worst. However I sat back and watched as people foolishly guessed incorrectly over and over again. It amused me more than anything. I'm not totally confident with this one but meh.
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My old buddy is no longer around.
I can hardly ever stick to the ground.
How about this big thing I recently found?
You'll see... I'm not midcard bound!
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
If you don't visit the LOP Forums but love wrestling columns to no end, please let me direct you to ultimate happiness. Sheepster, Moderator of the Columns Forum, is holding a huge tournament in the LOP Forums called The CSI. I believe it spans six rounds, began with over 30 individuals and doesn't finish up until mid February. If you'd like to follow the tournament and read a number of excellent columns, please race over there right now and check things out. I myself will be participating in it and you all know how competitive I can be. There's no doubt I'll have my hands full with all these newbies trying to make a name for themselves at my expense. I would guarantee victory but you know how that goes... I'll end up losing my first match-up because my opponent is sleeping with one of the judges.
The Shaq trade last season didn't fix my Phoenix Suns' woeful defense in my opinion. O'Neal was brought in to make them tougher in the half court and give the Suns that big physical presence they've been missing since Steve Nash arrived. While Shaq's helped somewhat, Phoenix hasn't gotten any better. If anything, they've taken a step back since sending Shawn Marion to the Miami Heat. Steve Nash & Co. are coming off tough back to back defeats at the hands of Denver and Minnesota yet still sit right in the thick of the Western Conference playoff race. After enduring an ugly stretch where they lost 7 of 9, the Celtics are back in their groove and have reeled off four consecutive wins in a row. Oh and don't forget people.... the debut of "FTW" is on the horizon! Me and Mavsman will be kicking things off this Friday right here on the Main Page. Royal Rumble predictions, sports talk and other nonsense will commence in five days so don't miss out. All the cool kids will be reading it so you should too.
What a little plug whore I've turned into...
Dr. Monkey has come out of hibernation and is back in the game. Well he has been for several weeks actually. Don't believe me? Click this link. - Even the Most Honest Will Lie In Their Grave
This guy right here dedicated an entire column to me. That's love and devotion for The Candyman right there. BeyondKnight is here to stay, people. - The Knight's Report # 6 - Minimalism Rock
Awwwww. I know... I'm sad the fun and games are over too. Unfortunately, we must wrap it up at some point and this seems like the appropriate time so deal with it. The day I start getting paid for this is the day I give a shit what you people want. That came out a little hateful now, didn't it? Please accept my sincerest apologies. Now leave me some feedback dammit! Sorry again. What I meant was if you have any questions or opinions at all that you'd like to share with The Candyman, address your meaningless words to (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I'll do my best to put off answering them for as long as possible. Don't be shy though. Step right up and speak! I don't bite unless asked. I'm gonna step out now but I shall see most of you in two weeks when I stop by for another visit. Steer clear of online dating services or they'll be the death of you. I speak from experience. Later homies!
