Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [55] - Seizing The Mistress That Alludes Me
By SkittleZ
Aug 2, 2009 - 11:53:13 PM
[55] - Seizing The Mistress That Alludes Me
Yo yo yo yo yo! We're back at it with a brand freaking new edition of Taste My Rainbow. You all know me as SkittleZ - the sugar freak who loves making his peers feel uncomfortable with a fuckton of sexual innuendos. I think we should all take a step back and gather ourselves for this voyage is no picnic. It's about that time of the year where we air some more dirty laundry. Life has fallen into place nicely over the last several weeks and thus allowed me to put the finishing touches on a well-known bedtime story. No guests or tag team partners this time, folks. I'm serving this shit straight up and you're gonna like it. Or at least pretend to so I don't fly off the handle and hurt someone's feelings. Are we clear? Splendid. Today's motto is "fuck fluff" as we're getting straight to the meat and bones of this bad boy. Oh and please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle. Falling debris is rather common around these parts.
If you aren't familiar with my work or haven't guessed from the column title, this here is the final chapter in the "Mistress" trilogy. You'll detect a much more upbeat feel to this piece as compared to the first two but don't be fooled as this certainly contains a fair bit of turmoil. It's crazy how things have come full circle just short of a year following the first installment of the series. Originally, there were no plans to write a third column. However it only seems logical given what has transpired since part two was posted back in late February. A lot has happened since then and it would make for excellent reading matrerial so it'd be a dipshit move on my behalf to not get personal once again with you drama craving bastards. Alas, I'm prepared to shed light on recent events and bring some closure to this saga. Not a single word below is fictional or exaggerated. I might not have the greatest memory but the details of my love life are clear as day.
Life in February was magnificent. I spent my weekends at Hofstra University on Long Island in the company of Simone and it was the most fun I'd had in years. She made the pain of my ex wife subside and opened up new doors for me as well. The two of us became extremely close and a serious relationship appeared inevitable by the time March arrived. Our weekends together were so amazing that I was hesitant to pull the trigger on asking Simone to be my girlfriend. Things had gone so damn well... why ruin it? Also, I believe there was this dreadful feeling deep down inside that she wouldn't be fully ready to take the next step. We were new to one another and hadn't really discussed our respective pasts in great detail so there was certainly a few gray spots. I also noticed how Simone never once made mention to us being a couple; whether it was just us or around friends.
Simone wasn't feeling well physically and for the first time in five weeks, I didn't drive down to see her. Something told me it was now or never and so I approached her via Facebook (pussy move I'm aware) about what her intentions were. I was passionate with my words and made a strong argument for why we should be together. Simone's response was one that hit me hard but also something which I somewhat expected. For she had been in her first true relationship the summer prior and explained how the old flame ruined her emotionally and mentally. Simone basically admitted that she wasn't ready for another relationship and suggested I find someone who wasn't quite as damaged. Her words were hard to digest and I did what any guy would do. Retreat. Back to my bedroom. Back to the undisputed single life. And back to professional wrestling.
My biggest obsession would come to my aid and definitely not for the first time. The Road to WrestleMania was in full swing and the build-up to WrestleMania 25 had me emersed in everything WWE. Despite it being the fifth or sixth time we'd seen a Triple H/Orton program, this was dramatically different. Management had inserted real life scenarios into the storyline and for the first time in ages, we really witnessed the McMahon family being pushed to the brink. The 2009 Royal Rumble winner Randy Orton was on a path of destruction and decimated McMahon after McMahon with the help of Legacy. Never has Hunter looked so vulnerable on WWE programming. It was a sight to behold. But there were other events that added to the aura of WrestleMania. The Kings of WrestleMania were set for battle as Shawn Michaels & The Undertaker prepared to tear the roof off Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas. Unless a redneck riot suddenly broke out, there was no possible way that HBK and The Deadman wouldn't steal the show. If that weren't enough, the Hardy Boyz found themselves in a bitter family rivalry and their upcoming Street Fight at WM25 had fans grasping desperately for hand towels. Money in the Bank was sure to deliver for the fifth consecutive year and a Chris Jericho/Mickey Rourke confrontation seemed bound to happen.
Every bit of the 'Mania nostalgia and anticipation would culminate on the evening of April 5th. My living room played host to several good friends and an abundance of food. I watched intently for four hours and once the pay per view came to a close, reality sunk in. Pro wrestling had let me down in every aspect. Weeks and months of prepping were suddenly an appetizer with no main course. Fuck... not even a dessert. I'd engrossed myself entirely in the annual event and was left empty handed. What sad fucking excuse for a WrestleMania was that!? I put up a front but the show's overall quality irked me for the remainder of the night. The Unified Tag Team Title bout was left off the show for whatever reason, the birth of Santina Marella ruined any chance the Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal had of succeeding, Jeff versus Matt wasn't given nearly enough time, the Intercontinental Championship was shit on like usual with a 21 second joke of a match, my Edgykins failed to retain the World Heavyweight Championship just so Cena could give fans another feel good moment and Orton/HHH was an epic failure of a 'Mania main event considering the feud's prior intensity. I was mentally distraught and questioned my future loyalty to the product which occupied my television screen for eleven years. Like my personal life, I began to lose interest in watching RAW & SmackDown and almost abandoned them altogether for guaranteed satisfactions such as sports and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The bond between us faded and we appeared destined for total separation.
Communication between Simone and me ceased to exist anymore. With the knowledge of her current mental state, I found it hard to find the right words. My mind was blank on ideas of what to talk about and I figured her being away at school would only lead to even less interaction. Slowly, I became content with moving on. My friends were there to console me and keep things fun. The late nights were pretty difficult though. Especially the weekends because all I could picture is her at parties hooking up with random dudes. While I knew Simone wasn't that type, it was hard to think otherwise since we barely kept in touch. As much as I wanted to move on, nothing worked. Blind dates and internet relationships did very little to mend my wounds and I braced myself to give up on women completely (no homo?). The card dealer was fucking me on every hand.
Right when any relationship whatsoever appeared doubtful, Simone came home one weekend in April and I hung out with her for the first time in over a month. We were amongst several friends but that didn't hide the awkwardness which suffocated us. I did my best to be myself and look at our situation as harmless and friendly. As much as my head was swimming and subsequently gasping for air, I couldn't help but wonder what was on Simone's mind as we stood in my kitchen. She hid it well but I knew Simone was drawing blanks solely based on her body movement. The comfortability and familiarity had evaporated while any trace of a past history was purely non existent. Still, just being around her lifted my spirits and I knew there were choppy waters ahead. Fortunately, she would be out of school within the next month and once again just a few miles away. Words cannot describe how psyched I was for Simone's return home.
Meanwhile, my attention waivered between wrestling and other interests during April and May. The temperatures were rising, the schedule was filling up rapidly and WWE was becoming a last resort. Something I was only still tied to because of my obligations to this very website. If it had not been for my current position on LOP, there's a very strong chance I would have moved on and slowly forgotten. Despite the latest Draft Lottery, RAW was simply a hot mess. Cena, Orton & Hunter clogged the main event scene, Miz was about the only midcarder being given a true push, the WWE had even managed to ruin Santino's entertainment value and the overall booking of the companies' "premier program" was just atrocious. Good news was that SmackDown had benefited greatly from the Draft Lottery. To the point where marks were tuning in more frequently to the blue brand. Most of WWE's best workers and performers were wrestling on Friday evenings and the match quality soared.
The spring semester at Hofstra ended and Simone was back in town. It just so happened that I was leaving to visit my Mom in Arizona and the timing sucked. A second chance surfaced and I was at a disadvantage from the get-go. We chilled once before I left but it was an innocent dinner with a couple friends. Nothing different than the past three months. Ironically enough, our relationship received its' second wind during my ten days in Lake Havasu City. I caught Simone on AIM one evening and emotions took over. I poured my heart out to her and filled in the blanks. Needless to say, she wasn't expecting my outburst but adjusted well in a short period of time. The conversation didn't solve anything but it was a step in the right direction. Simone surprised me with a phone call a day or two later and we talked casually for a good while. While we chatted about everything other than us, I couldn't help but notice an underlying connection.
Why the fuck wasn't management pushing MVP to the main event? What's the point of building up The Miz for weeks only to serve as Cena's squash mate? Matt Hardy was set up beautifully on RAW following his feud with Jeff and yet stuck with a lame arm cast angle. Career handicap anyone? At the same time, Morrison was transforming into a main attraction on SmackDown. Chris Jericho picked up right where he left off on Monday Night RAW. CM Punk proved why he was Mr. Money in the Bank on a weekly basis. Whether World Heavyweight Champion or not, Edge remained his badass self. And for someone who's contract issues were so frequently questioned, Jeff Hardy was undoubtedly the most over wrestler on the blue brand and often walked out victorious. The landscape was unbalanced; possibly a few steps back would be taken in order to move forward. Come to find out, I was willing to take that risk.
As faith would have it, another girl of romantic interest helped me reel in Simone. With me and Simone's relationship stuck in neutral, my friends introduced me to another female by the name of Kelsey. She was similar to Simone but exactly opposite in terms of personality. We hit it off pretty well but when it came time to say goodnight, Kelsey wanted a parting kiss and I couldn't deliver. The closer she got, the more I thought of Simone. I managed to escape narrowly and felt the urge to see Simone. As it turned out, I ditched Simone on her birthday (pussy move #2) to go on a date with Kelsey. Suffice to say, jealousy kicked in and the wheels were set in motion. Life revolved around Simone yet again and Kelsey disappeared from my life just as quickly as she'd entered it. A looming conversation would ultimately decide whether things had really changed between me and Simone since February.
Sure... there's still random midget segments and midcard mayhem to sort out but RAW isn't in as bad a shape as people make it out to be. The brand is in good shape with the likes of Kofi Kingston, THE Brian Kendrick, Miz & MVP regardless of their current booking. Shawn Michaels is bound to return in the near future and give RAW a nice boost. Things are on the up and up! Not to mention SmackDown's been hitting on all cylinders for fucking months now with no signs of slowing down. And that's saying something given Edge's recent injury. Even if Jeff fails to re-sign with WWE come the end of summer, Undertaker will be ripping new assholes on the blue brand in no time. I've fallen completely back into the wrestling scene. We're talking head over heels and no strings attached. Will it last forever? Not likely but I'm highly optimistic about retaining my WWE fandom for the long haul.
From an outside perspective, Simone and me were a couple. The familiarity, natural affection and constant rendezvous screamed serious relationship but there was only one minor problem. It was far from official. So as I sat with Simone in front of her house on a Saturday night, the words came out in bunches. However this time, the verbal outbursts were coming from both sides. I'd been able to sway Simone into being my girlfriend, taking that next step and we haven't looked back since then. After going through a heart wrenching divorce, I never believed true happiness would find me but it did. Twice. And despite how awesome it was to stumble upon Simone in February, these last few weeks have been unforgettable. She occupies my life and if this is any template for what the future holds, I'm one lucky bastard. Simone... if your kisses could kill, kiss me now so I can die happy.
Listen I'm one of the nicest guys you will ever meet but whenever I step inside a grocery store, my aggravation level shoots through the roof. It ain't even all about old fuckers either. Normally, you love an aisle with only one or two carts in it. But tell me me why people see fit to leave their cart smack dab in the middle and turned sideways so the passage is completely blocked off!? Or why senior citizens don't have fucking grandkids to run errands for them? A grocery store is a congested traffic area at night and during weekends. It's not safe for the elderly... because I'm about ready to run down ever one of those bastards without remorse. Don't get me started on the deli. Who knew a short wait for some honey ham or roast beef could be so torturous? You want the definition of unpleasantness? Go grab a ticket and stand in line for a few minutes. And why when there's an entire aisle of food, every shmuck has to reach over my shoulder to grab something? Murder never crossed my mind until I started buying my own groceries. Take note of this, youngsters.
Meh. The Yankees' winning ways have slowed over the last week but fortunately the Red Sox aren't doing all that swell either. They bounced back today with a solid win over the White Sox after dropping the first two contests. And don't look now but the Angels have jumped into the race for best record in Major League Baseball. Of course, the Los Angeles Dodgers are still taking care of business on the west coast as well. Boston and L.A. could suffer some big losses if MLB takes action following the latest Ramirez/Ortiz steroid allegations. However after Big Papi's early season slump and Manny's 50 game suspension, it's no secret that both teams can win without their star players in the line-up. When compared, the Red Sox are likely to go farther in the postseason given their consistent play over the last couple years and World Series titles. Burn Fenway Park to the motherfucking ground!!!
You wanna talk about consistent hilarity and vulgarity? Cicero does so with ease on a regular basis. His "silver anniversary" if you will. - International Fun Slide [25]
And cut. Hmmm wasn't that fun? I thought so too. We should do it again sometime. How's your schedule looking next Sunday? Full, eh? Well clear that shit out and make room for The Candyman! Come to think of it, who does anything on Sundays? Nonetheless, this was a blast to write. Personal pieces usually are. We're switching gears from here on out though. No more sappy bullshit for a while. Now if you would be so kind, drop me a line at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I'll do my best to reply accordingly. It's been Simone 24/7 so I've been running behind for the last couple weeks. Hell she's reading this over my shoulder right now so pray for me. I'll be back in seven days with a parody for the ages. Until then, I advise you to go look for trouble because life's boring shit without a little reckless behavior. Later homies.
