Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [54] - And Then There Were Fifteen
By SkittleZ
Jul 26, 2009 - 6:19:50 PM
[54] - And Then There Were Fifteen
Indeed I'm still alive! The Candyman's just been a bit tied up since posting that masterful anal rape column from Fourth of July weekend. As far as my readers go, I could really give a fuck how you've been keeping up over the past 21 days. Just keep reading along and we won't run into any problems. Like I mentioned, this month has been rather eventful and I'll fill you pesky bastards in on everything next Sunday. Out of fear that I might have possibly lost a step in my absence, I've decided to rely on what always bails me out of truly fulfilling my Main Page responsibilities... that being another collaboration! If it's any consolation, my two foreign guests today are pretty familiar with my landscape (no homo?). Speaking of which, I'm SkittleZ and this is my window to the world. Now with the Night of Champions pay per view airing tonight, me and a pair of Brits thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to touch base on the annual event. Seeing as how Cicero, Jules, James_A and others already produced some stellar prediction columns, we're taking it in a slightly different direction. To put it bluntly, list columns FTW!
During 2006 & 07, I was heavily into the WWE Magazines and you could frequently catch me at a local CVS or Walgreens scanning through the latest issue. A fantastic way to knock out two birds with one stone; read the entire fucking thing for free and also check out women (flip flop those mentally in order of importance). Now I will admit that sometimes a WWE Magazine doesn't always appeal to the ladies so every once in a while you've gotta reach for a MAXIM or Sports Illustrated when the opposite sex is in close proximity. Nonetheless, I began collecting magazines for a good stretch and one was a "special edition" where WWE ran down every single champion in the companies' history (most of WCW's titles were included as well I believe). So I was checking out all of the past WWE World Champions and started counting how many guys had enjoyed three or more reigns. The magic number turned out to be 15 and I couldn't help notice how NOC was right around the corner. A relevant topic... fifteen part list... potential rust from three week layoff... I was gonna need some assistance in tackling this beast! Hence why I've summoned CF mega star JohnnyBoomerang & fellow MPer 'Plan to aid a friend in need. Just so there's no confusion, the three of us agreed on this list together as well as our favorite championship matches from each individual. When factoring in World Titles, we're crediting the original WWF Championship as well as the current ones on the RAW & SmackDown brands. Don't even mention the ECW Title either or I'll blow up your PC with my imagination.
#15. Batista *** vs. Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship, WrestleMania 21, 03/05/05
Johnny B - The Animal. The Deacon. The Big guy from Evolution. He’s a controversial man, that’s for sure. Loved by audiences, lamented by Internet critics, ‘Big Dave’ has come under some scrutiny for his injury-prone work rate and lacklustre moveset, but there’s no denying he’s one of the better ‘powerhouses’ we’ve seen in the last several years. Holding five major WWE titles is no easy feat, but Batista has accomplished this in the relatively short time span of only four years. Arguably, his biggest (and some say best) title win occurred at Wrestlemania 21, on April 3rd, 2005 against his former mentor, Triple H. Allow me to elaborate:
The hype before the match had been pretty special. This wasn’t just your run-of-the-mill face turn feud, this was the end of Evolution. Batista finally turned on his mentors, and had stepped up to the main event on his own for the first time in his career. You knew this would be special: not only was it Wrestlemania, not only was it the first time the two behemoths had faced each other one-on-one, but Motorhead sung Triple H’s entrance theme live! The actions starts with several lock-ups, with Batista showing his strength as he out-muscles The Game each time. In fact, the opening few minutes are nothing more than Batista proving his strength and dominance over the game on numerous occasions, before Ric Flair provides a distraction for Triple H to ambush the Animal, and the Game domination period begins. In fact, after five minutes of Batista dominance, we’re treated to almost exactly five minutes of Triple H dominance, before Batista hits his second wind…straight into a Triple H spinebuster. Some more offence commences, as Triple H goes up to the top rope, only to be hit with a clothesline in midair. The action spills to the outside as we see the introduction of the steel steps. One pedigree reversal later, and we’ve got a bloody Triple H. Batista then takes control of the match, including attacking Ric Flair, before taking a title belt shot, which he narrowly kicks out of. This is shortly followed by a low blow and a pedigree reversal, before Batista picks up the win with a Batista Bomb.
A solid, if slightly predictable match, that focussed mostly on the strength of Batista, and the craftiness of Triple H. It wasn’t bad, by any means, just not the most groundbreaking or jaw dropping match you’re likely to see. As the champion, Batista would go on to defeat Triple H twice more, the last of which occurred within the confines of Hell in a Cell, before being drafted to Smackdown, where he would feud with JBL, Eddie Guerrero, Big Show, Kane and Mark Henry. He would be forced to vacate the title due to an injury sustained with a match against the World’s Strongest Man, and hasn’t seemed the same since, as he’s found himself rather injury-prone, the latest occurring just a few months ago before a Steel Cage match with Randy Orton: a match which he won, then was forced to vacate the title for again. At the ripe age of forty, is Batista’s time in the spotlight drawing to a close?
#14. Mick Foley *** vs. The Rock for the WWF Championship, Monday Night Raw, 01/04/99
'Plan - Mrs. Foley’s baby boy. Mick Foley. Loved by the fans, respected by his peers, Foley always came off as a company man and it was never clear if he’d ever get his own reign as WWF Champion back in the day. When he did, it was a wonderful moment not only for marks who wanted to see the Corporate Sell Out Rock get dethroned, not only for the smarks who wanted to see the hard working Foley get his reward, but of course for Foley himself.
The match itself isn’t the best that Mankind and Rock put on but out of all the bouts Mankind won, it’s the most emotive as regards to the champion we’re putting under the microscope here. It literally takes around fifteen seconds for the match to spill outside. The two continue to brawl, as was common for the given era here, until Mankind is launched knees first into the steps. We soon see the still entertaining skit of The Rock on a commentator headset. Water, headsets, ring bells and cables come into play as the momentum shifts back and forth briefly before we see a Rock Bottom through the announce desk! The match finally returns to the ring where Rocky gets a near fall and some Corporate sanctioned help. A Corporate Elbow soon follows only for Mankind to continue the fight. After some brief offence, Mankind kicks out from a shot by the WWF title belt before Double Arm DDTing Rocky onto the gold. Socko makes an appearance as does Shamrock, a chair…and chaos ensues at ringside between Team Corporate and DX. Glass smashes, fans explode, Rock gets a Stone Cold Chair Shot and Mankind becomes a WWF Champion!
The reign that ensued after this cool little brawl was, like the match, not the most memorable. It, of course, led to the legendary “I Quit” Match at the Royal Rumble which technically classes as a title defence during this first reign for Foley. That can not be ignored. The problem is that whenever Foley attained his ultimate prize he was surrounded by wrestlers more popular than he was, even if they were not quite as talented. Foley remains, in my eyes, one of the most under-rated professional wrestlers in the history of the business and it pained me to agree in ranking him so low down the list. His reigns were never long and he was never entirely trusted to carry the ball for the company but he was always loved by the fans and could be counted on to put on memorable matches, well thought out feuds and his characteristically unmatched microphone work.
As a WWE Champion, Mick Foley, or more specifically Mankind, never truly shined but that may simply be because he never had the time or the room to shine. Personally, I can’t help but feel that if it were Cactus Jack given a run as champion in his prime then Foley’s position could be a lot higher up on the list.
#13. Chris Jericho *** vs. The Rock for the WCW Championship & vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the Undisputed Championship, Vengeance, 12/09/01
SkitZ - A carbon copy of Chris Benoit (minus the horror movie ending of course), Jericho wrestled all over the world for years before ever coming close to tasting a World Heavyweight Title. Eight years removed from defeating The Rock & Stone Cold in the same evening, Y2J finds himself a five time World Champion and record nine time Intercontinental Champion. Jericho's first true run with the Undisputed Title seemed like more of a tester reign to find out if Y2J could draw as a main event star. While Jericho was somewhat ass fucked out of showcasing his wrestling abilities, things went relatively well and thus there were several wrestling smarks who knew he'd get another crack at carrying the company down the road. Although I doubt anyone thought it would take nearly seven years.
Historically, Jericho's championship reigns have been somewhat of a joke. Y2J has proven he's plenty capable of getting over as a mega hell and the WWE has failed to capitalize on it for whatever reason. Perhaps a couple of those Triple H stints should have been shared with Jericho but hey that's all water under the bridge nowadays. Nonetheless, Jericho is deserving as anybody of a lengthy run with the World Heavyweight Title. Last fall was the perfect time to stick the belt on Y2J for the long run. The guy had a spectacular 2008 and made most of his peers last summer look like complete hacks at their jobs.
Chris Jericho's time to shine is right now and once Cookie Monster's second World Title reign comes to an end, it should be around that time when Y2J re-enters the discussion as top dog on SmackDown. A looming program with The Undertaker is the ONLY sane reason to keep Jericho away from the belt .
#12. Brock Lesnar *** vs. Kurt Angle for the WWE Championship, WrestleMania XIX, 03/30/03
SkitZ - I dunno what it was about Lesnar but he had me hooked right off the bat. Sure we all chuckled when Brock finally spit a promo and his voice mirrored that of a pubescent teenage boy but there's something about males physically dominating each other that really gets me wet down below. I could go into further details but Uncle Joe would be a much better storyteller for said topic than me. Well it wasn't long before Lesnar became the youngest World Champion of all time and suddenly caught everyone's attention. His program with The Deadman made for some brutal bouts but it was all too good to be true. Lesnar was young, inexperienced and working on his first official face turn. Suffice to say, there was some fine tuning that needed to transpire.
Brock's three World Title reigns were all respectable and it can be argued that his final one was nearly excellent. Aside from Kurt Angle, Lesnar stuck out like a sore thumb on the blue brand and really made the competition look weak. Despite his brute strength, Lesnar was a skilled technician in the ring and has many amateur wrestling credentials to his name. It wasn't until Brock began mixing it up with Angle that we witnessed how gifted of an athlete Lesnar was. WrestleMania XIX was a perfect example. Even the botch heard 'round the world won over people because Brock had the balls to go for it with everyone watching. A wrestling clinic and spot-on outline of how a Mania main event should be structured. Someone that big and strong shouldn't be so quick and agile. He simply defines the term 'freak of nature'.
As we all know by now, Lesnar left WWE to pursue several other career avenues and it's a damn shame because there's no way Brock wouldn't still be cracking skulls if he'd remained with World Wrestling Entertainment. Not to mention we were shafted out of seeing Lesnar mix it up with the likes of Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista. While he worked for Vinnie Mac, Brock was without question the most intimidating force on television. Honestly, I could still picture a Lesnar return to WWE at the tail end of his UFC career and I'm hoping like hell it happens. Bring Sable with you dammit!
#11. Randy Orton *** vs. Triple H for the WWE Championship, Last Man Standing Match, No Mercy, 10/07/07
'Plan - The Legend Killer has come under scrutiny recently for his less than stellar work since the conclusion of Wrestlemania XXV back in March. The unfortunate thing is, during the reign that followed this spectacular championship victory, Orton had shown clear signs of developing a great, fresh, one of a kind character capable of carrying the company even though it was a heel. Orton has the skills in the ring to be one of the better champions in company history and this match shows just why.
Considering this was Trips’ third match of the night, he does well to keep up with Orton throughout, even with the hard brawling in the early goings that sees Orton’s Law dominate, complete with a number of false counts on The Game. By the end of the opening 5 minutes, the first cable of the bout is introduced and the action simply escalates from there; a table bump gone awry allows Trips to regain the advantage, from where he takes his turn to dominate proceedings. Orton takes back the momentum in the ring by avoiding a chair and cracking The Game’s skull right across it! The finish feels close as Orton RKO’s Trips on an unfolded chair but to no avail, despite Trips showing us some juice. We finally see a miraculous face come back…only for it to end horribly thanks to a ring post. Neither man seems able to stay down and the action heads onto the announce desk…where we see it all end horribly for the hero courtesy of a vicious RKO on wood that doesn’t budge, allowing Orton to win a brand new WWE Championship.
Many have criticised the recent work between these two, but when they click they click brilliantly and this here is proof. Orton has never been known for his microphone skills but his in-ring work is more than just solid. His move set is very distinct and even the way he carries himself is unique. The bout here led to a memorable title reign with solid, great matches against HBK, Y2J, Jeff Hardy, John Cena and of course Triple H. Orton even got a golden performance out of Ric Flair during this stint as champion. It was this reign that proved Orton to be a gold mine for the company and while his work in the post-Mania 2009 has cast doubt upon his abilities to carry the company, I feel it is circumstance and stale combinations that have led to his downfall here as opposed to anything other. Batista has had the longer title reigns, Triple H the more glory and there are many champions in WWE history who have been better suited to the position than Orton; but lest we forget, the guy isn’t even 30 yet and may only just be about ready to hit his prime. He has worked hard to garner this number 11 spot and in my own opinion, if this list was being compiled five years down the line, Orton may yet prove to break into the top five.
#10. The Undertaker *** vs. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship, WrestleMania 23, 04/01/07
Johnny B - The Deadman is renowned for his Wrestlemania winning streak (17-0 for those of you keeping count) and his looong ring entrance which, as awesome as it is, does take a while to end. What he’s not renowned for, however, are his title reigns. Facetious as this may be, it’s also true. In fact, in his six championship reigns, he’s only clocked up a total of 305 days as champion, hardly a dominant figure! (all figures are from Wikipedia, the ever-so reliable source) While The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak is impressive, quite a few of the matches aren’t. However, one of the better ones was contested for the World Heavyweight Championship, and is considered one of his best title-winning matches. I am referring to, of course, his bout with Dave Batista on April 1st at Wrestlemania 23, in Detroit, Michigan. I digress…
If there’s one thing you’re pretty much assured of in this day and age, it’s that when the Undertaker is involved in a main-event match for a major title at Wrestlemania, his entrance will take about four weeks. Seriously, he actually starts coming to the ring at the start of March, just so he’ll make it in time. You’ll hear chanting, see druids, flames, maybe a casket or two, if he’s feeling perky. So, after the moon had completed an orbit, The Undertaker finally arrives at the ring. Poor Batista must already be out of breath, he’s been waiting so long! The match gets underway, and the cunning Mr. ‘Titsa starts us off with a spear! Boy, Edge must be fuming… The Animal continues to have the better of the offence at the start, including a tasty looking shoulder block from the top rope. As is tradition in these matches, after a while, the momentum swings and it’s the Deadman now mounting the offence, consisting of (but not limited to) Old School and the wonderful Flying Taker dive to the outside, that looks so uncharacteristically graceful. Batista regains the upper hand and utilises the announce tables to power slam the Undertaker! Goodness! The match isn‘t over, though, as ol’ Takey-Wakey kicks out at two, after being carted into the ring, of course. It’s finisher time! That’s right, we see unsuccessful pin attempts following a Last Ride, Chokeslam and Batista Bomb, before the win is finally etched into the annals of history following a Tombstone Piledriver.
I don’t know about you, but this was a fun match to watch live (yes, I was in Detroit), if only because, for a face-face dynamic, the Undertaker was so ridiculously more over than Batista, that Batista was your by-default heel! The Undertaker really showed people he has a few good matches left in him, as well as another title reign! (talk about a second wind!) He would actually hold on to that title through another two brutal matches with Batista, occurring in a Last Man Standing and Steel Cage environment, respectively, despite never actually winning those matches. That’s right, Undertaker was the draw-specialist. And who doesn’t like draws? Edge. Edge cashed in his Money-in-the-Bank contract on the Undertaker in May after the aforementioned Steel Cage match and a vicious beat-down by Mark Henry. After this loss, the Undertaker took some time out to heal a few nagging injuries. This, in essence, is vintage Undertaker: Sporadic appearances, Wrestlemania win, a few good matches, then time off. Is the time running short on the Deadman’s career? Yes, really. Resoundingly, in fact. Does he have another title reign in him? Potentially, but does he really need it? This columnist doesn’t think so. Do you?
#9. Edge *** vs. The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship, TLC Match, One Night Stand, 06/01/08
Johnny B - Well, if it isn’t Mr Title Reigns! Yes, the only person in the WWE who can make Triple H look modest with his sharing of the championship belt, the formerly ‘Rated R’, now ‘Ultimate Opportunist’ Superstar, Edge. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m rather fond of Mr Copeland, (he’s my favourite superstar- that’s fondness, right there!) but there’s just something all too fishy about having so many reigns in so short a time. However, resisting the temptation to turn the rest of this column into a detective narrative, let’s get back on track. Edge. Edgy. Edgykins. Little Edgy-poo…
He’s a great superstar with wonderful charisma and mic skills. He’s got a wonderfully animated face, and his muscles are perfectly…*ahem* Sorry. I just, you know…
Edge won a title once. That match was at One Night Stand in 2008, under the stipulations of Tables, Ladders and Chairs (Oh my!). His opponent: none other than that pesky Undertaker. The stipulation: If the Undertaker loses, he leaves the WWE. So, surely, the he was going to win, right? That’s what I thought, going into the match. Oh, how pleasantly surprised I was.
Right, let’s be honest straight away, Edge is going to need some help winning this one. When will that help arrive? Not to start with, as the Master Manipulator gets in a few chair shots and some general offence. Things are going well until a chokeslam off the ring apron onto a propped ladder send things in the ‘bad’ direction for Mr. Copeland. Fortunately, that help we mentioned? It arrives. Hawkins and Ryder rush down to the ring, and as quick as you can say ‘don’t chokeslam me through that table…’, they were chokeslammed through a table. Two, actually; one each, you see. Edge makes the mistake of trying to climb up the ladder for the title (silly boy) and is rewarded with a Last Ride through two stacked tables. The Undertaker begins to ascend the ladder, when cronies #3 and #4 come to the rescue. That’s right, Chavo ‘I’m not my uncle’ Guerrero and Bam ‘not around long enough for a gimmick’ Neely manage to momentarily halt the Deadman’s progress, but a steel chair sends them the way of the Edgeheads. Fortunately, our hero has arisen by that point, and pushes the Undertaker off the ladder onto four neatly and conveniently stacked tables outside the ring. Your winner? Why, it’s the Doctor of Edge-anomics, of course!
So Edge has problems winning on his own. That’s fine, I’m over it. A win is a win. The match itself was fun and enjoyable, and the surprise ending definitely had a few people shocked. I mean, The Undertaker? Leaving the WWE? Apparently, stranger things have happened! As for the title itself… much like most of his reigns, this one lasted several minutes… well, 29 days actually. Then the fiasco involving Jim Ross, Batista, CM Punk and the Money in the Bank contract occurred, and, well, the rest is history. Edge would go on to hold the title another twelve or thirteen times in the space of about a week, so all was not lost!
8. Kurt Angle *** Battle Royal for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship, Smackdown 2006
'Plan - In late 2006 the Smackdown roster was not at its strongest/ Batista was injured and Eddie sadly passed away. The roster was depleted and when the time came to crown a new champion it seemed for sure they would resort to Mark Henry of all people to carry the brand. Rey was popular, Matt had the sympathy of the fans, JBL was akin to old reliable and Lashley was tremendously over but no man seemed to fit the bill.
Then Angle’s music hit; Angle had returned from Raw and quickly set about eliminating JBL and it isn’t long before the bodies start hitting the floor. Henry and MNM team together throughout to dominate the elimination process but it’s difficult to not keep your eyes locked on the shocking presence of Kurt Angle, who soon begins to eliminate men left right and centre. Sadly, he catches the attention of Mark Henry and as Lashley begins to dominate in the ring, Henry decides Angle deserves a ride through the announce desk! Lashley and Henry inevitably clash and it doesn’t end well for Bobby. Kendrick quickly follows suit and with depleted numbers it soon comes down to Henry and Mysterio alone in the ring. Despite a valiant effort, Reyrey is eventually thrown out and everyone thinks Henry has it…only for Angle to rise from the dead among table wreckage outside and bring the crowd to rip-roaring life! The crowd now electrified, we see a mini-underdog story unfold with Angle finally getting the win by tipping Henry outside with a headscissors to become the new World Heavyweight Champion!
Many will wonder why I chose the battle royal over Unforgiven 2001; the reason is simple. Angle is arguably the greatest wrestler of all time, and you can take that statement as a literal one. His reigns prior to this came during times when the WWE was doing pretty well for itself and as such don’t stand out quite as much in my mind. He has always been a great champion capable of putting even the likes of Austin, Triple H and The Rock to shame when he’s on top form. In my mind, Angle really hit his stride in the WWE in 2006, shortly before leaving. The Wrestling Machine was on fire and the company knew he was their best asset; this win here proved that. Angle’s sheer talent and skill and ability came through here and this match led to the one reign that proved Kurt Angle single handedly could hold the monicker of “greatest professional wrestler of all time”.
Some may feel he deserves to be a little higher; in truth, I would have put him above The Rock and above Shawn but, much like several men already on this list, he was never THE guy to run with the ball, just A guy. But when he was given the ball to run with, trusted to carry a show with a more than depleted roster, he proved that he could do it and do it better than 90% of his contemporaries, predecessors and successors.
#7. The Rock *** vs. Mankind for the WWF Championship, "I Quit" Match, Royal Rumble, 01/24/99
SkitZ - The dude had a thousand fucking nicknames in his day. So he prefers to be called Dwayne Johnson now that his acting career is in full swing but who shall ever forget The People's Champ? Great One!? Brahma Bull!?! Most electrifying man in sports entertainment!?!? It got pretty fucking ridiculous at one point. Between 1998 and 2002, Rock was no stranger to the WWF Title. People pleaded for Johnson to pop up on their television and he remains one of a select few individuals who I believe could carry a show for its' entire duration. And I'm not talking about being a guest star like RAW is currently experimenting with now. No... Rocky could have crowds in stitches for two hours straight without ever leaving the ring. He could have done anything really but chose the smart career path by siding with Hollywood.
Personally, I've never laid eyes on a pro wrestler with more natural charisma and entertainment value than The People's Champion. He gave Austin a run for his money during the Attitude Era and it's no surprise the company relied so much on Rock during the Monday Night Wars. Johnson was WWE's biggest merchandise seller and possibly interacted with audiences better than anyone. He pushed all the right buttons and was never afraid to bust out with some random hilarity.
Lets not forget the epic wars he waged over the WWF Championship either. Rock's feuds with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H will never be forgotten by casual wrestling fans. And while that's the way it should be, my personal favorite was Johnson's wars with Mick Foley in late 1998 and early '99. "I Quit", Empty Arena, Last Man Standing, Ladder Match, etc. If you weren't hooked on the WWE product by then, I would have liked to get your opinion immediately following the conclusion of said program. Speaking of the "I Quit" bout, please find it online if you haven't seen it. Watching Foley take 621 chair shots to the head never gets old (and that doesn't make me a sick bastard for recommending). Rocky's appearances would become scarce in later years but at least the guy didn't change professions overnight. It was a pretty smooth transition in my opinion. More than anything, I miss Johnson tearing Coachman and Kevin Kelly to shreds for the sake of being a showman.
#6. Shawn Michaels *** vs. Bret Hart for the WWF Championship, Iron Man Match, WrestleMania XII, 03/31/96
SkitZ - I wisely avoided telling Mavsman & Degenerate about this out of fear that they'd kneel and deliver (sexually) in order to cover the HBK bit of this column. To this day, I still say Michaels should have done gay porn. He's wealthy enough to not worry about public image and he has that hot ass wife to turn to whenever he returns home. HBK could have doubled his investments and subsequently saved us from that economy storyline with JBL. The long hair, grizzly chest and flamboyant attitude would go over huge in the homosexual market however I fear that ship has long sailed.
Undertaker is often credited as Mr. WrestleMania but I think we all know who really deserves that moniker. No one in WWE history has delivered quite like Michaels on the big stage. Everyone can lay claim to one or two memorable bouts however HBK astounds fans on a yearly basis. It doesn't matter whether he's hell bent on retiring a 60 year old icon or attempting to end The Deadman's storied streak. Michaels was born to be a professional wrestler. You've gotta be blind not to see it when he steps between those ropes. And much like The Phenom, HBK has done a tremendous job of adapting as the years progress. Some may accuse Michaels of being a stale act but the fact is he can still bring any crowd to its' feet.
HBK spent many years in the tag team scene and midcard before he was primed to headline shows. Michaels was at his absolute best as reigning WWF Champion and leader of D-Generation X which makes it all the more unfortunate that his back injuries robbed us of four years from The Showstopper. HBK's triumphant return in 2002 was worth it and witnessing him stand in front of a sold out Madison Square Garden audience as the new World Heavyweight Champion was a moment which I'll probably never forget. However his Iron Man match with Bret Hart is the main highlight of The Heartbreak Kid's career. I missed out on the match in '96 and had to go back in time via DVD to see what all the fuss was about. While a good portion of the action in the middle was stagnant, the energy from start to finish was amazing and the ending personified a WrestleMania moment. It almost pains me to say this but Bret Hart still sucks smelly cock, 'Plan. You're not allowed to defend him either. Its' bad enough we've gotta listen to you blow the guy for a couple paragraphs anyway. Be glad I'm so understanding and actually care somewhat.
#5. John Cena *** vs. Edge for the WWE Championship, TLC Match, Unforgiven, 09/17/06
Johnny B - Who is this kid? He’s the one the Internet guys hate, the kids love, and the women swoon for. He’s that guy with the bum-chin, and the big, but not overly big, muscles. He’s the guy who just doesn’t lose all that often. Some say he has five moves of doom. Others say he is Walt Disney reincarnate. Any way you look at it, he’s got an impressive list of accomplishments. A list which includes a WWE Championship win at Unforgiven on September 17, 2006, in a Tables, Ladders and Chairs (Oh my, again!) match against Edge… hang on, why is there some weird system following the people I’m talking about? I had Batista, then the Undertaker, in a match against… Batista. Then I had Edge, in a match against… The Undertaker. Now I’ve got Cena, in a match against… Edge! This is just plain creepy! Oh, and Batista’s match was against Triple H. Guess who else I’m doing later on? I guess it all goes to show that the buck definitely stops with Cena. Speaking of…
John Cena entered first, after promising to leave Raw if he doesn’t win. Talk about a way to ruin the ending for us, John! Edge entered next, in my favourite entrance of all time. Forget surprise entrants, or comeback cheers, Edge entering his hometown of Toronto as the champion, and his emotional reaction to it, is just awesome. Fortunately, Edge keeps himself in check, and the match can commence. It’s not long before we see the use of weapons, and for that you can blame Mr Copeland. He successfully back-body-drops Cena through two chairs, before drop-kicking a ladder into the challenger’s face. Cena, taking moves? Blasphemy! Tabernacle! Heathen! (ahh, the joys of shouting biblical words) Anyway, Cena reverses Edge’s next, dastardly move into a hiptoss, straight onto the ladder. Ouchies. A sunset-flip into a power bomb goes wrong, and so Edge power bomb-slam-type-things Cena into a table. This is shortly followed by The Ultimate Opportunist running up a propped ladder and throwing himself onto the waiting Cena at ringside. Evil Kenevil eat your heart out! All Edge really wants to do is to hit a Con-chair-to- you see, he misses Christian- but Cena denies him, before squashing Edge in a ladder and making him tap out with the STFU.
…What? Oh, right. It’s a TLC, so John hasn’t picked up the win just yet! He hit’s a 5-knuckle-Shuffle off a ladder, then is hit with a chairshot (it’s a frenzy, this match) before being speared off a ladder from Edge, who was also on a ladder. Confused? Just you wait. Okay, so Cena power bombs Edge, only to be pushed off the ladder by Lita. She then gives Cena a chairshot, which knocks him into the ladder Edge is climbing, causing him to fall off! Calamity! It’s okay, because apparently Edge is fine, as he gets up super-quick and climbs the ladder. We then see the ‘big spot’ of the match, as Edge is FU’d off the top of a ladder, through two tables. Not onto a chair, sadly, but still, it looks very pretty. Oh, and Cena won. What a surprise.
If you like your match with spots, weapons, spotty weapons, or all of the above, you really should love this match. It was very good for what it was, and both men gave their all to entertain. Cena actually held the title for over a year afterwards, and it was only a torn pectoral muscle that forced him to vacate it. Talk about lengthy! He would pass through rivalries with HBK, Orton, The Great Khali, Umaga, Edge, The Big Show, King Booker and even Kevin Federline. That’s a lot of people. Like, seriously. A LOT. Cena was the champion, he solidified himself in that position with this reign, if not his previous. This was the time when he reaffirmed his position as the poster-boy of the WWE.
4. Bret Hart *** vs. The Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin & Vader for the WWF Championship, Four Corners Elimination Match, IYH: Final Four, 02/16/97
'Plan - After Shawn lost his smile it was time to again decide the winner of a vacant championship and that was how we came to this buried golden treasure, so easily forgotten yet such an amazing match. If you’ve never seen it, seek it out; it’s well worth the 24 minutes of your life, trust me. It was a match that crowned one of Bret’s shorter title reigns, but I feel it to be superior to the other bouts from which he emerged champion is all.
I won’t give you an overview of this one in the hopes that it will spur you all on to go and uncover it in the deep dank recesses of DailyMotion. I’m sure it’s on there somewhere. Needless to say that the action remains fast and furious throughout and we even get a little colour from Vader. In the end, Bret last eliminates The Undertaker to become WWF Champion once again in his prestigious career.
As champion, his time came during a lull in the company history; ratings were lower overall and storylines and gimmicks were becoming increasingly zany. Yet through it all, as champion Bret was able to get amazing matches out of relatively new and unproven names and gimmicks, including the likes of a recently debuted Razor Ramon, the over-achieving Diesel, his own brother Owen and even Bob Backlund, a man difficult to empathise with anyway, let alone when you’re under the age of ten.
Bret may not have been as charismatic or popular a champion as the likes of Austin or Rock, but he was more of an old school champion; a trusted and well liked locker room leader with literal world wide popularity, particularly in Canada, of course, and Europe. His promos may not have been the best, but they’re somewhat unimportant. His matches WERE his promos. As champion, Bret wrestled. He didn’t big himself up on a microphone or force feed the fans that his feuds were the fiercest or the most epic; his in-ring work did that alone. His talent was of a much more understated kind; he didn’t back flip or do triple somersault diving splashes to the outside, but his instinct inside a ring was unparalleled, even down to knowing when and how to blade to make it look real.
You may be thinking I only say this as a Bret Hart mark; that is not the case. Objectively speaking, we all know Bret was an incredibly story teller and his matches are re-watchable to the point of discovering a brand new subtle addition each and every time. We can debate endlessly just what makes the perfect WWE Champion. Bret was by no means a perfect champion but he was an endearing one. Fans felt like they could like him. They felt for him when he got hurt, got behind him during his come backs, they wanted him to succeed.
Bret “Hitman” Hart had a natural instinct for professional wrestling in all it’s guises; what better champion can there be?
#3. Triple H *** vs. Batista, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit & Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship, Elimination Chamber, New Year's Revolution, 01/09/05
Johnny B - The Game. The Cerebral Assassin. Jean-Paul Levesque. The King of Kings. Terra Ryzing. Hunter Hurst Helmsley. Paul Michael Levesque. The Connecticut Blueblood. Triple H. The man of a thousand nicknames, apparently! He’s also somewhat known for his title reigns, and as a subject of abuse because of them. They’re too long, they’re too many, they’re too repetitive, they’re all the same flavour of unoriginality. If you can think of a problem someone might have with a title reign, chances are someone has used it to complain about Triple H. Personally, I think the chap has done alright for himself, but hasn’t ‘hogged the spotlight’ as much as people think. However, he has had his fair share of title wins, his finest occurring on January 9th, 2005 at New Years Revolution, inside the confines of an Elimination Chamber.
The Match: It started with Jericho and Benoit (let’s be honest, that’s a fantastic way to start any Elimination Chamber) who proceeded to put on a bit of a clinic before we see the arrivals of Triple H, Edge and Randy Orton. Chris Benoit claims the ‘spot’ of the match with a Swandive Headbutt from the top of the cage which, as it turns out, was probably a bad idea… just in general for his life. Meanwhile, Edge accidentally spears Shawn Michaels, who, in retaliation gives him some Sweet Chin Music. A Lionsault later and we’re one man down. Batista makes his long-awaited entrance, and proceeds to dominate the chamber participants, culminating in a Spinebuster on Chris Jericho onto Chris Benoit, eliminating the Rabid Wolverene. One Batista Bomb later and Y2J is Y2Gone. The finish of the match sees a battered Triple H fail to break up a pin count on Batista after an RKO, causing the Animal’s elimination (and future wrath) before a Pedigree sends the Legend Killer the way of the other competitors.
Admittedly, that was a fairly brief summary of the match, but still highlights all the… highlights. Yes. Ahem. It was a fun match, as most Elimination Chambers are, with the right amount of spots, wrestling and hardcore action to satisfy most fans. After winning, Triple H would keep hold of his title until Wrestlemania 21, where he would inevitably lose it to Dave Batista, in a match detailed at the start of this list (by yours truly, no less!). So The Game, despite everyone’s complaining, only held the title for four months before putting over an up-and-coming superstar, albeit one from his own ‘group’. After this, Triple H wouldn’t hold a title again until October 7th, 2007 at No Mercy. That’s 30 months, or two and a half years. That’s a loooong time for someone who supposedly ‘hogs’ the championship. Yeah, just think about that…
#2. Hulk Hogan *** vs. Iron Sheik for the WWF Championship, Madison Square Garden, January 1984
SkitZ - (sigh) Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. Given this is my column, why do I get stuck having to stroke The Hulkster's wrinkled weiner? He puts me to sleep and I'm ecstatic that the countless returns have ceased since 2006. I mean for such a wrestling legend, the guy sure does have one tweaked family. Brooke is looking more and more like a transvestite these days. Nick is the biggest flake I've ever laid my eyes on and it's a crying shame he wasn't thrown in a prison cell with the big boys so some common sense could be anally forced into him. Linda's off riding some teenager's dick and Hulk is bound to slice that mother fucker's head open before the end of 2009.
As for Hogan's wrestling career, his matches were pretty much all the same. Which is why we chose his initial WWF Title reign because it signaled the beginning of Hulkamania. Not that anyone cares in today's society. Fuck... even diehard Hulk fans are tired of seeing that bandana and bleached mustache. I'll give him credit for the classic bout with Warrior at WrestleMania 6 but that had more to do with the atmosphere and Hogan finally putting someone over other than himself. Hulk's confrontations with Andre, Savage and Rocky weren't total time wasters either. Eh perhaps I'm being too harsh on the guy? Tough fucking cookies.
The Hulkster was responsible for hooking America on pro wrestling in the 80's but that's because the guy was Mr. Patriot. Who's gonna boo a guy who struts around with an American flag!? Hogan would use Old Glory as toilet paper if it meant getting ahead in life. His WWE Title "reign" shortly after WM 18 was a joke too. Probably the only time I've ever been against Hunter dropping the belt which rests so frequently above his crotch. Bret Hart and HBK might not get along very well but I wouldn't put it past them giving Hogan voodoo dolls to each other's sons.
#1. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin *** vs. The Rock for the WWF Championship, No Disqualification Match, Wrestlemania X-Seven, 04/01/01
'Plan - The big one. Numero uno. The greatest WWE Champion of all time. Were you expecting someone else?
So Hulkamania had more main stream attention in the 1980s. So Triple H has more reigns to his name. The truth of it is, there has been no one man more suited to holding that prestigious historical belt than Steve Austin. Inside the wrestling business, his popularity was unmatched. His name draws huge numbers even to this day. His legacy may even outlive that of the immortal Hulk Hogan. He was more than just a headlining name. He was a talented, consummate professional…for the most part. While I was adamant his title win at Wrestlemania XIV get the honour of his best title win simply due to its sheer historical significance, I was out-voted and this perennial favourite got the rub instead.
There is only one word apt enough to describe this bout; brawl. Though epic could be similarly effective. Even the build to this thing made it feel like something magical was about to happen. The result? Arguably one of, if not the most fondly remembered match in WWE history. It’s a straight out war from the get-go as both men trade blows and attempted finishers and, soon enough, we’re outside the ring. Into the crowd and back again, around the ring and in again…it is, as always, one big adrenaline rush. Wrestling moves are few and far between, every near fall, every leg hook tense with expectation. There’s little story here but the excitement could be said to more than make up for it; one man comes back and gets cut off; the other man comes back and gets cut off.
Rocky is the first to bleed, the table not taking long to break. Rock takes a hell of a beating but the champion eventually finds a way back into it. The brawling continues fast and fierce, complete with Austin tasting his blood and two very sloppy sharpshooters; it looks like we’ve hit a total stalemate between the two. It takes The Boss himself to break it and yet despite chair shot after chair shot, Stunner after Stunner The Rock will simply not say die. When Austin snaps and almost breaks Rocky completely in half it is enough to crown his rise back to the top, and as the final cherry on top of this indulgent, calorie laden dessert, the final punctuation mark, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon…shake…hands.
The match itself in one respect is entirely forgettable; I always find it next to impossible to recall specific spots. In another way, it is entirely memorable; everyone has fond memories of the event itself. A similar analysis could be lent to Austin himself as champion. His on again/off again feud with The Rock is undoubtedly the most memorable Austin had as champion, yet outside of Triple H it becomes difficult to recall feuds quite so memorable. He spent his first run feuding with “odd ones out” almost and being forced to get embroiled in a Brothers of Destruction family feud. His reigns, for the most part, were relatively short compared to some others. Maybe that was what kept his act fresh, stopped it getting stale like Hogan and Cena and Trips all did.
Austin’s popularity was somehow universal. It may be because of the anti-hero character but personally, I can’t help but feel like it was something more. After all, the reign that Wrestlemania X-Seven started lasted for the better part of a year, a year that saw the Austin character become nigh unrecognisable…and yet people still cared about him one way or another. When you speak of Austin it’s easy to overlook his ability to actually wrestle and it’s easy to forget about some of the legendary promos he did. His popularity can not be denied but, when thought about, can become hard to explain. He was a champion not suited to being a leader. He was a man who did what he wanted when he wanted, not a characteristic often attributed to positions of leadership. By all rights, on paper, he sounds like an anarchist and one we should despise.
So why, exactly, are we saying he deserves to be number one?
I’ll be damned if I know. It just feels right. His reigns were on the whole short, his feuds often difficult to define precisely…but it just feels right. His ring attire was simple, his look understated…but he felt right as champion. There’s a magic about the name “Stone Cold” Steve Austin that dictates he should top this list. When I can define it, I’ll let you all know.
Overall, I'm quite pleased with how Night of Champions has been built up as a whole. From top to bottom, that's one sexy fucking card if I may say so. No lie... this line-up is miles more promising than WrestleMania 25 ever was. Even both Divas matches have good chances of keeping the crowd awake for five or six minute stretches. Most of all, I'm interested to see what role Dolph Ziggler plays tonight. Everyone and their mother knew about Cody Rhodes being Dibiase's mystery partner last summer. People have naturally began to assume Ziggler will be Jericho's surprise teammate tonight and I can't help but think we could see the Dolphster walk out of NOC as a double champion. Either that or he drops his bout to Rey Rey near the beginning of the show and later helps Jericho retain the Unified Tag Team Titles. This could be the night that propels Ziggler into the spotlight! Especially with Edge being sidelined and Jeff's departure coming soon.
Oh snap! My Yankees are on a roll and it's about damn time. New York management have done a great job of transforming the Yanks into a younger more healthier club over the last couple years and it's great to finally see some steps in the right direction. I'm not a big fan of Joba Chamberlain and his constant bitching however he's got it going on during his last two starts so perhaps there's hope for him as a starting pitcher yet. Things are falling into place for the Yanks as they've hit a nice winning streak here since the All Star break. The club's pitching well, scoring runs and in particular clutch runs to seal ball games. Boston's lead evaporated quickly and now the Red Sox have to be careful not to fall out of contention completely. As always is the case, I worry about the middle of the bullpen and bridging the gap between the starter & Rivera with solid pitching. It might not seem like a huge issue to the casual fan but that's usually the Yanks' achilles heel once the postseason arrives.
Awww I know... over so soon. Tough luck, bitches. Much thanks to Plantastic & Johnny The Boom for stopping by. I should be getting back on track now heading into the month of August. I'll definitely be posting the following two weeks - one drama filled personal piece and a fictional satire. Beyond that, it's hard to guess how consistent I shall be although you'd think the columns will pile up again as summer turns into fall. One thing I can promise is that The Candyman isn't leaving this humble home anytime in the near OR distant future. I'll probably end up as one of those has-been writers who gets shown the door because he doesn't know when to call it quits. Until then, you need to keep me going strong and the best way to do that is light up my mailbox. Feel free to do so at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and please no more gay porn. The joke was funny the first few times but damn. Alright time for me to split. Wallow in my absence if you'd like. Later homies.
