Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [53] - Too Much Sexual Chocolate
By SkittleZ
Jul 5, 2009 - 9:51:44 PM
[53] - Too Much Sexual Chocolate
R.I.P. my poor old laptop. Unfortunately, years of abuse finally caught up to my 2006 HP as it went peacefully into the night a few evenings ago. I lucked out though since my Stepmom has been looking to get rid of her brand new laptop which she rarely ever uses. Three weekly payments of $100 and The Candyman's back in business, baby! I'm happy as a clam now but let us never forget the brave soldier who produced over 75 epic columns. I'm truly sorry about the steaming hot noodles incident from last summer and knocking you off my bed during many nights but hey... it was fun while it lasted! Welcome Fruity Followers to that STD that just won't go away - Taste My Rainbow. I'm SkittleZ and we're gonna get a little naughty today. Complete randomness will likely ensue and I know somewhere in Virginia Doc Monk is smiling. The inspiration for today's column is obviously due in large part to The World's Strongest Man and his actions on RAW last Monday. Some heavy memory restoration got me thinking about Henry and the countless pushes that have come his way over the past 13 years.
2003...
Vince is sitting in his office an hour before Monday Night RAW begins; conferencing with Pat Patterson on the show's layout. Unexpectedly, there's a knock at the door and Mr. McMahon nods at Patterson to see who it is. Patterson swings the door open to find a rather large black man standing outside.
Pat Patterson: Mark Henry! Good to see you. How'd those irritable bowel tablets that I gave you work? Good I hope?
Mark Henry: Oh great man. I've been shitting marbles for weeks. Thanks a bunch. I appreciate it.
Pat Patterson: That's outstanding! If there's one thing I'm good at, it's patching up a leaky anus.
Mark Henry: Um yeah... That's a rare skill. Congratulations. Hey do you mind if I had a few words in private with Vince, Patsy?
Pat Patterson: Why of course not! We were just going over the Scott Steiner segment to kick off RAW tonight. Please come right in, Mark. I'll drop by again before show time, Vince.
Mark Henry: No doubt. This could take a while so no need to rush back, Patsy.
Pat Patterson: Understood. Take all the time you need, Mark.
Patterson exited the room while Henry stepped in and sat down on a couch directly in front of Mr. McMahon as the door closed slowly. Upon hearing silence engulf the room, Vince looked up from his desk and met Henry with a smile.
Mr. McMahon: What can I do for you, Mark? Need a vacation of some sort perhaps? Missing the family or are the injuries piling up?
Mark Henry: Psh... injuries? How!? I'm not even on television enough to get injured, Vince.
Mr. McMahon: Well I'm sorry you feel that way, Mark. I'm confident we can set you up with something significant in the summer months. All of this Scott Steiner build-up has occupied the majority of mine and the creative team's time over the last few months. Lord knows his Royal Rumble match with Hunter was an atrocity.
Mark Henry: Why is the company putting so much faith in Steiner? The guy is a hack in the ring. He's old as hell, roided out of his mind and can't sell worth a damn. The ratings just aren't there.
Mr. McMahon: I think I know talent when I see it, Mark. Steiner was huge in WCW. What makes you think he can't duplicate that success here?
Mark Henry: I just gave you three reasons. And besides, that all happened when WCW was going down the toilet. I know you love for Hunter to look constantly invincible. What's wrong with pitting him against an absolute monster... such as myself?
Mr. McMahon: You know we value your commitment, Mark. You'll always have a job here at World Wrestling Entertainment even long after you hang up the wrestling boots. The fans just don't buy into you as a main event superstar. We've tried several different things over the years but they just won't budge.
Mark Henry: Oh you mean like the Sexual Chocolate fiasco? That shit shouldn't even have counted! You call segments with trannies and making out with that corpse Mae Young attempts to get me over with the fans? Just what the fuck is up with you, old man!? That's some bullshit. Proper build-up my ass.
Mr. McMahon: Please calm down, Mark. I'd hate to have you escorted from the building by force. So the Sexual Chocolate gimmick led to some awkward moments. Things of that nature happen. I can sit here and apologize all day but it isn't going to change the past.
Mark Henry: And that's fine but we can still change the future! Just turn Hunter face and let me ambush Steiner backstage one week. Even better... give Steiner his title rematch at No Way Out and book me to beat him down on RAW the next night. Then me versus Hunter is set up perfectly for WrestleMania 19!
Mr. McMahon: Not gonna happen, Mark. We're not trying to reincarnate WrestleMania 11 here. Please just let it go. I'm simply not waivering on this.
Mark Henry: That's a shame. Maybe I can change your mind?
Mr. McMahon: Oh? And how do you intend on doing that, Mark?
Words can't describe just how badly Vince would regret his decision. For right after that last sentence escaped Mr. McMahon's mouth, Henry stood up to lock the door and it was on like Donkey Kong. Shredded clothing littered the office as the WWE Chairman was sprawled across his desk butt naked and raped violently by The World's Strongest Cock. Henry was hell bent on making sure his boss paid for years of career buzzkill. He attempted to cover Vince's mouth however Mr. McMahon's shrieks were echoing off the concrete walls. Fortunately, Henry had come prepared and shoved a dildo Pat had borrowed him down Vince's throat to negate the cries for help. Once Henry had made his point, he backed off and removed the dildo from Vince's mouth. Mr. McMahon retreated to the couch and curled up in a ball of horror.
Mark Henry: So what's it gonna be, bitch? Or are you ready for round two?
Mr. McMahon: N-no! Hold on a second. Listen it's far too late to set something up for WrestleM-Mania but I can have you in the m-m-main event by SummerSlam! I'll set you up with a suitable stable.
Mark Henry: A stable, huh? I like the sound of that.
Mr. McMahon: Yes. We can even go with the descrimination gimmick! That reminds me. Theodore Long is done with refereeing. He's ready to jump back into the manager role. He can be the mouth piece and your stable will be made up of African American wrestlers who feel they are being held down by the white man. Just give me some time to arrange everything! I guarantee you will have a World Heavyweight Title shot at SummerSlam.
Mark Henry: (laughs) Sounds like we have ourselves a deal. It was a pleasure doing business with ya, Vince.
Mr. McMahon winced slightly as Henry zipped up his pants and strutted out of the office.
2006...
Mr. McMahon makes his rounds at the annual WWE New Year's staff party. With Linda off in a far corner discussing business with a group of high-end executives, Vinnie Mac advances on a lone Fox. After making an inappropriate comment about his fascination with black women's large assets, Alicia walks away hurriedly and Vince peers across the room to see if anyone notices. After meeting eyes uncomfortably with Stephanie, Mr. McMahon strolls into a sea of people to say his good nights. Unbeknownst to the WWE Chairman, a presence had been lurking in the shadows; watching the boss's every move throughout the evening. Almost as if this certain someone was waiting for the moment when Vince was alone. He wouldn't have to wait much longer. Vinnie Mac bid the Bella Twins farewell, set his drink on top of THE Brian Kendrick's head and motioned towards the main hallway. Mark Henry slowly stood from his chair and shuffled out of the cafeteria.
The World's Strongest Man walked through a set of double doors and saw Vince's muscular frame sweeping down the lobby ahead. Henry followed but held back a bit so he could keep tabs on McMahon without being detected. A few lefts and rights later and Vince entered what was unmistakably his office. Henry chuckled under his breath and checked the hallway for any signs of life. With the coast all clear, Henry knocked on Mr. McMahon's door before letting himself in without a response.
Mr. McMahon: Yeah come on in.
Vince had his back to the door and was removing his winter coat. Henry locked the door behind him and stepped toward the center of the room. Mr. McMahon turned around and nearly leapt out of his loafers upon seeing The World's Strongest Man.
Mr. McMahon: Mark! Hey man. Happy New Year's to you! It's been a while. Didn't see you at the party.
Mark Henry: Well I definitely saw you. Too bad we didn't cross paths at the get-together but hey I'm here now...
Mr. McMahon: (gulp) Well what's up, Mark? Did you just drop by to exchange greetings or is there more to it than that? Linda should be back here any minute.
Mark Henry: Really? She looked pretty tied up with those corporate suits down in the lobby.
Mr. McMahon: Yep she's quite the chatter box that one! But yes we're supposed to catch a plane tonight back to Greenwich. In any case, great job with your return on SmackDown. I haven't seen Batista manhandled like that since... well forever! Like the way I booked you against the reigning World Heavyweight Champion? We've got big things in store for you my friend.
Mark Henry: Cut the crap, McMahon. I know you're just setting me up to job like a bitch to Batista through January and February. A couple drinks and that racist ass cracker Michael Hayes coughed up everything like a slut.
Mr. McMahon: Wait! That's because I haven't ran my future plans for the company by him yet. I was gonna book you strong through WrestleMania and then set you up for some money feuds in the summer.
Mark Henry: Fuck that! You tried to sell me on that shit last time. Thuggin' & Buggin' Enterprises was a damn flop. I ain't waiting until summer, fool. You put me in the spotlight immediately or its' about to get messy.
Mr. McMahon: Threats won't get you very far with me, Mark. I've tried tirelessly to transform you into a major force but the stars just aren't aligning. I can't do anything about you being so injury prone.
Mark Henry: Nah don't even try pulling that shit with me, bitch. Your boy Hunter was out for seven months with a torn quad and you managed to get the title back around his waist two months after he returned. And what pushes have you hooked me up with? I KNOW you ain't referring to that bullshit on SmackDown where you had me lifting heavy shit like some damn carnival act!
Mr. McMahon: No I wasn't specifically. You need to cool your jets, mister. This is no way to handle business.
Mark Henry: You know what? Maybe you're right. It's probably lacking a little physical motivation. Bend over, bitch!
Mr. McMahon: SECURITY!!!
But it was far too late for Vince by that point. The New Year's ball had just dropped in Times Square and everyone in the building was off celebrating in the lobby. The WWE Chairman's pleas for mercy met no one's ears except The World's Strongest Man's (who was growing increasingly annoyed of the bickering). As Henry cleaned McMahon's pipe like a plunger in a toddler's toilet, he stuffed a mistletoe in Vince's mouth. The brutal raping went on for several minutes until Henry really began to lose his temper. He suggested they bring foreign objects into the fray and McMahon begged for a truce. Henry crawled off Vince's back and snatched the soggy mistletoe out of the boss's mouth.
Mark Henry: Speak up, princess.
Mr. McMahon: I'll give you what you w-want! Instead of f-f-feuding with Batista, you're gonna sideline him for months! S-setting up a program for when he returns. In the meantime, I'll move Kurt Angle over to SmackDown and have you rip him to shreds. But that's just setting you up to end Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania!
Mark Henry: For real?
Mr. McMahon: Absolutely! I'll make it happen. I promise. Please j-just no more rape. My ass feels like I used a sanding sponge as toilet paper!
Mark Henry: Fuck yeah! No problem, Vince. I'm out of your hair. Sorry about doing that to your crack. I just lose it sometimes.
Mr. McMahon forced a smile and hobbled over to the bathroom. Henry pumped his fists and left the office jubilantly.
2009...
Mr. McMahon is in his office tending to paperwork when a road agent cracks open the door and sticks his head into the room.
Mr. McMahon: Yes?
Road Agent: Sorry to interrupt you, sir. But I hear Mark Henry is looking for you. He's already arrived.
Mr. McMahon: Oh is that so? Well thank you for letting me know.
Road Agent: Not a problem, Mr. McMahon.
As soon as the door closed, Vince picked up his phone and directed a couple security guards to his office. They arrived within seconds and McMahon returned to his paperwork. The WWE Chairman was struggling to keep his concentration however with the looming thought of Mark Henry making another visit to his office. The minutes ticked by and yet there was no sign of The World's Strongest Man. Mr.McMahon started to relax as time progressed and was actually getting sleepy when the same road agent burst into the room. The security guards braced themselves and the road agent came to a screeching halt in front of them.
Mr. McMahon: Don't worry about him, gentlemen. Yes what is it?
Road Agent: Mr. McMahon! D'Lo Brown made his way into the arena and is threatening to sky-hi off of a blacony unless you give him his job back! I know it sounds far fetched but there are several other agents and wrestlers pleading for D'Lo to reason with them!
Mr. McMahon: What the hell is going on around here!? And who let D'Lo Brown into the building? Someone's certainly getting fired for this. Security! Please follow Bob here to D'Lo Brown's location and make sure we don't have an incident on our hands any worse than what's already transpired. Once you have Brown in custody, I want his ass arrested! Let me know the details once everything is taken care of.
Bob the road agent and the security guards nodded in agreement before flooding out of the office and into the hallway. Mr. McMahon shook his head in disgust and started rummaging through the desk drawers for a phone number to alert the local police department. The office door creaked open and closed but Vince was far too busy scanning through a large drawer filled with various files.
Mr. McMahon: Back already, Bob? Please tell me D'Lo didn't plummet to his death? The local news will have a field day with that one. I really don't feel like dealing with another lawsuit.
"Hi Vince".
Vince suddenly froze at the sound of the deep voice which had entered the room. He slowly raised his head above the desk and locked eyes once again with The World's Strongest Man.
Mr. McMahon: So YOU orchestrated this entire thing!?
Mark Henry: Hey it's good to have friends who deliver in the clutch. Plus, D'Lo isn't exactly thrilled with WWE since he's been fired about eight times now. I only set all this up because I knew you wouldn't reason with me unless I could get you alone.
Mr. McMahon: (gulp) So I'm assuming you're not here for a good reason?
Mark Henry: Bingo. Why have I been stuck on ECW forever instead of tearing it up on RAW or SmackDown?
Mr. McMahon: Well I don't know why you're complaining. I booked you as ECW Champion for three months! What's so terrible about that!?
Mark Henry: Get the fuck outta here! Everyone knows you don't give two shits about ECW. You stuck me with that juiced up raisin Tony Atlas and had the balls to job me out to Matt Hardy! That's some bullshit. Switch me to RAW or SmackDown dammit. If Jeff's leaving the company soon, let me whip his ass and take the World Heavyweight Title from Punk.
Mr. McMahon: Um yeah no... we're not going to do that. Jeff may in fact be a total freak but the fans love the kid and he's the hottest thing in the company at the moment.
Mark Henry: I see. And you can't turn me into the next Jeff Hardy?
Mr. McMahon: Hahaha! Good to see you in a joking mood, Mark. I was worried there for a second.
Mark Henry: Oh hell nah. It's prison time you little white bitch!
Mr. McMahon: OH GOD NO!
Vince threw his hands over his head but it was to no avail. Henry picked up the WWE Chairman with ease, ripped his pants off and commenced to raping McMahon for failure to comply. Vince yelped repeatedly but the groans were quickly suffocated as The World's Strongest Man crammed Mr. McMahon's head into the open desk drawer. While the office door was indeed locked, not a security guard or road agent overheard the commotion and came to Vince's aid. Finally, it was with much resistance that Mr. McMahon agreed to meet Henry's demands. The World's Strongest Man released Vince and plopped down on a couch.
Mark Henry: So what's it gonna be, boss?
Mr. McMahon: Okay f-forget sending you to SmackDown. That's t-the B show. I'm t-t-trading you to RAW, turning you f-face and letting you stampede the brand like nobody ever has before! Hell we'll have you squash Orton in the main event this Monday! But it won't stop there. No... first Orton, then Cena, Big Show, etc. The sky is the limit! SummerSlam is where you'll be crowned the undisputed WWE Champion.
Mark Henry: You better fucking come through this time. Or I'll be back in here with Patsy and his dildo so fast, you'll wish our secret sex sessions happened on a weekly basis.
My Edgykins is currently rated "F" for "fucked". According to reports, Copeland tore his Achilles tendon during a house show on Friday. Now at first, I was all uptight about how imperfect the timing of it was. Edge & Jericho had just won the Unified Tag Team Titles. They were gonna run rampant all over the three brands. Bring tag team wrestling back into the spotlight. Yada yada yada. But at least Copeland wasn't the reigning World Heavyweight Champion this time around. There's been rumors circulating that The Rated R Superstar has been in need of a good vacation and maybe that's the case. It just sucks that things played out in this particular order. My hopes of him returning in time for the 2010 Royal Rumble are shallow since I know it most likely won't happen. He ain't no Batista or John Cena. Edge is a fucking toothpick and the injury will take sufficient rehabbing before he's cleared to wrestle again. Copeland seemed to be on an incredible roll since Survivor Series too. What a shame. Time for John Morrison & Dolph Ziggler to step up to the plate!
What a fucking bummer about Steve McNair passing away from a fatal gunshot wound to the head. A 20 year female close by was also killed to add insult to injury. Whether it be a random act of violence or premeditated, it's such a shame that we see so many incidents like this where professional athletes are stabbed or shot to death. Being a celebrity or popular sports athlete isn't always a good thing unfortunately. You're an instant target and it often leads to these types of incidents. McNair might not have been one of the greatest NFL quarterbacks of all time but he played with a ton of passion and intensity. I was a big Titans fan back in the day when the franchise rose to prominence (bandwagoning FTW). When they came up one yard shy against the Rams during the SuperBowl in 2000, I nearly cried like a bitch. Air McNair & Eddie George were one of the best tandems in the league for several years and a blast to watch every Sunday. I wish his family the best and it sucks ass to know I'll never witness him throw another pass in an NFL game.
Okie dokie. Lets put this puppy to sleep, children. Even though I have a bunch of ideas mapped out, I've fallen into a habit lately of changing topics every week so who the fuck knows what to expect next Sunday. I'm trying to refrain from collaborations since friends like Mavsman & cicero ridicule me for doing them so often but it's so tempting sometimes! Is it so bad that I enjoy working with handfuls of skilled writers from the Main Page & LOP Forums!? Tough crowd. Also, keep an eye out for a new Main Page columnist in the near future. After a fair bit of deliberation, I've found the perfect individual to step up and fill the final vacant spot on the MP. The kid's a damn genius so prepare yourself. Until then, stop being lazy bastards and leave me paragraphs upon paragraphs of feedback. Did this column turn you away from Lords of Pain with its' meaningless sodomy? Hit me up at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and spill the beans if you would. It's late, I'm starving and work is waiting in the morning. Gotta stay on top of those pestering bills! Avoid real relationships like the plague because one night stands are way more fun. Later homies.
