Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [51] - Fun Filled Fanatical Fandom Frenzy
By SkittleZ
Jun 21, 2009 - 12:21:05 AM
[51] - Fun Filled Fanatical Fandom Frenzy
I've come to a realization in the last 10 days ladies and gentlemen. Edge is NEVER going to hold the World Heavyweight Championship for several months. As much as people might think its' a knock on him, Copeland just isn't a dominant force. His character's that of a sneaky vile opportunistic prick, right? So it makes sense for him to rack up the title reigns yet trade the belt back and forth with various adversaries. Plus, the guy is a toothpick compared to most in the main event scene. I'm struggling to be content and this way if a lengthy championship run does come his way, it will be a pleasant surprise! Edge's ladder match with Jeff Hardy at Extreme Rules was flat out spectacular. And how splendid is it to see Vinnie Mac desperately trying to keep RAW entertaining? First there was the DX reunion, then the exploding limousine, followed by McMahon's Million Dollar Mania and now we're in for Trump strikes back. Meanwhile, I'm SkittleZ for you who don't know me and this is my confidential internet mistress. We've got a fair bit of business to get squared away so no fluff this week I'm afraid. The Candyman's already a week behind schedule so... shall we?
Mark isn't just my father's first name. Oh no. You see the wrestling term equates to that of a fans' obsession with a specific individual. And please don't get the shit twisted because the art of markdom is an obsession no matter how you slice it. True there's certain fans out there who root for several respective wrestlers but that just ain't as impressive now is it? When you most look forward to one wrestler and one wrestler only, there's a connection. For the majority of the time, you know the next set of words during a promo before the guy even spits them out of his mouth. You can call a reversal or counter seconds before it actually takes place. Said wrestler is plastered all over your room, wardrobe or laptop. There are multiple different levels of fandom yet it's still an addiction at the end of the day. While our favorite is likely not the best wrestler in the world, it is he/she that excites us far more than anyone else available on television or DVD. For example, I like to think my Edge markdom is healthy but there's no fucking chance in hell. And the best part about being a wrestling fan is you can love the scrawniest talent-lacking botchfuck in the wrestling business today with absolutely no consequences pending. To further prove how intense fandom has become, I've rounded up a group of LOP's finest to serve as guinea pigs.
Hustle - I've been a fan of John Cena since before he even made his WWE main roster debut, and was still working in OVW, wrestling the likes of Randy Orton, Rico Constantino, Rob Conway, Batista, and others. His early "Ruthless Aggression" work was fine, but it was when he switched to being the Doctor Of Thuganomics that I really began to take notice. I was deep into the hip-hop scene, rocked jerseys, and had fly sneakers.. then I see a wrestler who raps, rocks jerseys, and has fly sneakers. It was only logical that I'd enjoy that. I've said it in my own columns before that, if I have something about you or your character than I can relate to, I'll be a fan of yours, and it's up to you to determine just how big of a fan I become.
As much as I liked the guy then, it's nothing compared to how much of a fan I am today. I respect anybody that's on the grind, whether it be legally or illegally, and John Cena has been on the grind, non-stop, since reaching the top of the company. To live, eat, drink, and breathe wrestling the way he does... I can dig that. I also like the fact that he goes out there, every night, and does the job he's supposed to do, without worrying about what other people think about him. He doesn't get rattled by the negative reactions he gets from crowds in some cities. As a columnist, I can somewhat understand that, as I'll get my share of people that don't like what I do, but I can't let it affect the way I write, or the things I write about. On top of all that, I'm actually entertained by his in-ring work. I'm not a worthless hypocrite like the people who bitch about his "five moves", only to turn around and cheer for people like Santino. I don't need a wrestler to be Dean Malenko to entertain me in the ring. If you can tell a story, I'm down with the get-down. His power-based moveset is pretty awe-inspiring to watch, too. It never gets old to see him lift Big Show onto his back.
Oh, and that smile of his? Hmm.. perhaps I've said too much.
Admittedly, Cena does have a pretty infectious smile. What impresses me is how Hustle caught on to Cena before the guy even made it to live television and has stuck with him ever since. Despite his critics, I've always been a fan of Cena's and especially enjoyed his 13 month WWE Championship reign which spanned from September 2006 to October '07. I also admire how Hustle marks for any wrestlers who he can relate to from a personal level. Because when it comes to me & Edge, the only things we have in common are slim body frames and ugly divorces. Definitely not much chemistry there. Cena remains one of pro wresting's busiest individuals and his workload is bound to increase as the years tick by. The dude lifted over 700 pounds onto his shoulders just a few months ago and gets my respect for that alone.
Degenerate - I love Shawn Michaels. Yep, as gay as that sounds, it's not surprising to anyone. Why would I fawn over a man for so long, especially when he's in his mid-forties? Simple: He's a man who takes charge. Everyone loves a man who can take charge, right? Of course we all do. But not only does he take charge, he does so with pure awesomeness, something no one else can even fathom, much less do. Sure, Hulk Hogan was strong and charismatic, and Stone Cold was a bad-ass. But were they match innovators, like HBK in the Ladder Match and Hell In A Cell? Were they able to out-perform anyone on the roster after the age of 40, as proven by PWI's Match Of The Year voting results for the past five years in a row? Of course not. No one has ever achieved so much in the professional wrestling work as Shawn Michaels has. Simply put, HBK is the most awesomely complete sports-entertainer ever. Do not question my judgment.
On display above is one of wrestling's most intense versions of markdom. The man love occurs when a fan is so damn comfortable with his fascination that he prostitutes his sexuality to the point of no return. I often do the same with Edge because the guy just tickles my fancy and there's no other suitable way to word those feelings. I've always felt it was best to just accept your fandom for a male wrestler since the shit is gonna sound extremely gay to a large portion of people out there. Those who allow it to bother them are either fake marks or closet homosexuals. It's pretty cut and dry in my book. In any case, Shawn Michaels may in fact be the greatest wrestler we've ever seen. I mean Degen and his bottle of hand lotion seem to think so. Why question such claims?
Mazza - The Game, The Cerebral Assassin, The King of Kings, Terra Ryzing (yeah, really), Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Triple H. Paul Levesque is known as a lot of things but he is also known as Mazza’s favourite wrestler. I guess my markdom started as a result of me picking him out as a top star from his early days with the WWF. The long flowing blonde hair, those perfectly shaped pecs (God, I sound like Deg) and the pompous blue blood gimmick coupled with that all-rounder in-ring style just screamed “MAIN EVENT” to me. As Hunter’s stock grew, so did my love for The Game. A short lived but successful pairing with the late great Curt Hennig only helped me on that road. Sure I had to take some stick from my mates for things like the Warrior squash but love is unconditional. It was around this time that a brash young newcomer began to make his mark in the business as well. Whilst all my friends jumped on “The Rock” bandwagon, I stayed loyal to Hunter. Sure, I liked the Rock’s catchphrases and charisma but Hunter and DX were revolutionising wrestling. Austin and The Rock became world champs whilst and I had to wait for “My Time”. Those other flash in the pans are now an afterthought whilst Hunter is wrestling. Like myself, Mr. Stephanie McMahon is all about the long run. Now the rest of the body has filled out to match the pecs, the flowing locks are a little grungier and there is some added facial but Paul’s talent and my love remains a constant. The Game has given me many mark out moments over the years but none more so than when he overcame the odds and created history at Wrestlemania 2000. He was the first heel to leave the WWF’s biggest night of the year as champion when he finally overcame The Rock in a fatal-four-way elimination match. At 4:00am, after watching the event with a confident (the good guy always wins at Mania, right?) small section of the millions (and millions) of The Rock’s fans, I had a field day, running around the streets like I’d just hit the Euro Millions jackpot. Of course, in 2009 a Hunter victory is given, Paul and his marks are simply above everyone else and have absolutely no need whatsoever to get excited because, let’s face it, WE ARE THE GAME AND WE ARE THAT DAMN GOOD!
Ah the cocky arrogant mark has made his presence felt. I've grown to accept Trips and his role in the WWE over the last couple of years. When I was younger, words couldn't describe how bad I detested The Game and his never-ending string of victories. It's ironic looking back now as it always appeared Austin & Rock's stars shined brighter than any others yet Hunter's tenure has nearly doubled there's in terms of length. Two devastating quadriceps injuries are all that have slowed down H over the last 13 years. Mazza marches to the beat of his own drum as was the case with his WrestleMania 2000 bit. Even when the odds seem insurmountable, you've gotta stay true to your man (no homo?) during the darkest of times. Say what you want but Edge's nine World Championship reigns have not been kind to me.
PEN15 - I’ve been a wrestling fan since Wrestlemania 4, when I fell in love with the Ultimate Warrior (along with battle royals and tournaments). He was my favorite wrestler at that young age due to his intensity. I wanted to run to the ring, shake the ropes and lift guys over my head. When I grew up a bit, I then became a fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin. His attitude towards everyone was something I could relate to in my teen years. Being unpopular in high school, I wanted to flip everyone the bird and just beat people up because I was pissed off. After I grew out of my rebellious years, I was taking a huge interest in Kurt Angle’s natural athleticism. I was smart to the industry to appreciate how he was a total package unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before, or since. And today, I’m a CM Punk mark. You see, CM Punk is the wrestler I always imagined myself to be. I have always had long hair, into tattoos and piercings, and not a drinker or into drugs at all, I don’t have a great physique… but I knew that my talents as a wrestler would be the exact talents I appreciate in Punk: putting on solid matches and being able to talk (which I did as a back yarder).
So when I watch CM Punk, I feel like I am watching me. I became a fan of his when I learned of him through the internet. I watched a couple (not many) matches of his in ROH and thought the guy had talent. So I guess I was pulling for him while he stayed in OVW. I began learning more about him, and watching more of his matches, and I started really anticipating his WWE debut. We all have interests in our life where we hope an underdog pulls through. Whether it’s a hometown boy getting drafted to a major league team, or a band you saw in your high school suddenly making MTV appearances. So I was pulling for Punk before he even showed up, and he hasn’t disappointed. He was the biggest (and sometimes only) reason I watched ECW. Like everyone, I knew Punk was winning the ECW Title a few days before the match aired, but I still watched and popped to a taped program I knew the results to. And when he won, I pumped my fist, gave a manly “yeah!” and enjoyed wrestling on a level I haven’t since I was a kid, if ever! His reign as ECW champ was terrific, as he put on some great matches. And when I found out I’d finally get to see him live, I never expected the match I would see. I thought of CM Punk as a true underdog in the Money in the Bank ladder match at Wrestlemania 24. I didn’t predict him to win, in fact I can’t remember anyone who did. But I was puling for him. And when he climbed the ladder and grabbed the briefcase, I “marked out”. I was screaming, jumping, yelling. I lost my voice. I have never reacted like that to anything in my life. And funny enough, I was standing beside another LOP brother named Sheepster. So he could confirm this description. And my victory celebration for Punk stayed in Sheepster’s mind, because not 3 minutes after CM Punk cashed in the Money in the Bank did I get a Private Message from him asking if I was alright. He knew what sort of dance I was performing in my own home at that moment (and he was right).
My girlfriend makes fun of how a 27 year old man has a computer wallpaper of a wrestler (on my computer, and on hers). Last week I bought my first cell phone. Being my first, I didn’t realize the phone and plan I signed up for didn’t allow me to use any wallpapers or ring tones that isn’t provided. Yet, 3 days later, after lots of googling and failed trial and errors, I now have CM Punk’s fists on my cell phone, and no matter what the notification (be it call, text message, alarm…etc) I have his entrance music to tell me to reach into my pocket.
So at 27 years old, I am a mark. I am a mark for a man who wears speedo underwear. And while the rest of my social circle laughs at me, or mocks me, I have never been happier to be a wrestling fan. Thank you Phil Brooks.
Anytime you throw out a guys' real name or his old embarrassing gimmick title, there's love involved. I haven't gone to the extent of setting up Edge's theme music as my ring tone but perhaps that's just a sign that I'm not trying hard enough? Nonetheless, I was a bit stunned that PEN hasn't seen most of Cookie Monster's ROH work. At the same time, I'm sure PEN is chock full of Punk knowledge and answers questions about it regularly in the LOP Forums. As long and winding as my Copeland fandom is, there are few times I've actually jumped up and gone ape shit over one of his victories. Sheepster has told me the tale of PEN's jubilation on countless occasions and it sounds pretty damn legitimate. Like Hustle mentioned earlier, PEN is also a fan of Cookie Monster for being able to relate with Punk. I find that interesting and previously never thought about markdom in such a sense. Women (be it friends, family or girlfriends) will never understand what it means to cheer for a half nude male like a rock band groupie. Yeah they might act like they do but marks can see right through the facade.
James_A - What can I say about Chris Jericho other than the fact that he's amazing? Back when I was a wee little mark I hated Chris Jericho's guts. He was loud-mouthed, annoying, and could actually back up what he said in the ring which pissed me off to no end. I wanted to see him get his ass raped viciously in prison by a a really big guy who couldn't smuggle any lubricant because his parole officer was watching him every waking moment of the day. It wasn't until I became a smark when I realized what a good job he did of making me hate him. Nobody ever did that to me! He made me feel tingly inside every time he got punched in the face. He made me get violent erections every time he got hit with a finisher. He made me jizz an ocean in my pants every time he lost a match... Whew! Is it getting hot in here? Well, now that I am a smark I can't get enough of his awesomeness. His brilliant balance of ring ability, mic skills, experience, and character are all just top notch. And the attitude he has is that no matter whether it's rain or shine with how management treats him, he's still going to entertain the fans to the best of his ability. You gotta respect a wrestler like that!
Damn these kids nowadays with their sodomizing and bestiality porn. I found it funny how Jimmy talked about being a mark when he was younger even though the fucking kid isn't a day over eleven. Premature puberty is what we can credit that to without a doubt. However I can totally relate to where Jimbo is coming from as far as hating his idol in the early days. For instance, I couldn't stand The Undertaker ten years ago and now he's one of my favorite characters to view on television. Coincidence? Well... I like to think of it as a combination of both fate and destiny. Despite whether he's a baby face or vile heel, I've always loved watching Y2J and what he brings to the table. While it hurts my pride to make such ludicrous statements, Chris Jericho is a more complete bad guy than Edge or Orton. Them are just the facts. Jimster sounds like the disgruntled wrestling fan turned Markimus Maximus (and yes I did just say that).
JohnnyBoomerang - You know, I've always appreciated Edge. He's the bigger one of E & C, the one who won King of the Ring, the guy who broke him neck. But it wasn't until he had that feud with Ric Flair that I really started to sit up and take notice. I remember it clearly, in fact. It was a video package of Edge pretending to be Flair during his 'road rage' incident. And it was hilarious! It was at that moment that Mr. Adam Copeland was pushed to the very top of my favourites. He'd gained notice with his winning of the Gold Rush tournament, and definitely garnered my attention with his rivalry against Matt Hardy, but at that point, there was nothing greater in my eyes. And to my utter joy, he went and won the WWE Title at the following Pay-Per-View, in one of the most surprising and exciting moments in recent memory. I was sitting downstairs with a friend at 4AM (UK time, not cool) and I remember my mum coming downstairs, veeeery pissed, but it didn't even matter! I was in ecstasy. As the Rated R Superstar's stock continued to grow, my fandom for him continued to rise. With all the exposure, you'd think I would've grown tired or sick of him, been over-exposed, or seen his flaws. Not a chance! My Edge markdom has grown to such epic proportions that, in the year of 2007, I traveled from London, UK, all the way to Detroit, USA to watch Wrestlemania 23 specifically to see Edge. So when Jeff Hardy put both him and Edge out with that stupid dive, I was genuinely crushed. In fact, I was so devastated I left my seat, missed the next match (MVP vs Chris Benoit, a match I still haven't seen) and bought a shirt, with money I didn't have. It took me a good 20 minutes to pull myself out the slump I was in, but as it turns out, the rest of the Pay-Per-View just wasn't the same. My name is Johnny Boomerang, and I'm an EdgeHead.
Major kudos for staying strong during that heartbreaking moment during your WM23 rendezvous. The average mortal would have balled up on the cold concrete floor and cried his eyes out for hours. A certificate of loyalty and plaque of integrity should be erected in dedication of your efforts. After reading Johnny B's entry, it should come as no surprise that the two of us are good friends. Hell I even invited the foreigner over my house so we could watch Backlash together and see Copeland capture his ninth World Heavyweight Championship. Some might call us disgraces to males across the globe but hey... we're just a pair of marks clutching for every single Edge moment that drifts our way. It's practically the same as us cheering for Michelle McCool if she was downing mass amounts of growth hormone pills. I guess you could put me in the same class as Johnny B since I was always a fan of Copleand's but didn't truly invest my full attention into the Rated R Superstar until he transformed into a main event talent during early 2006. Please do yourself a favor and jump on the Edge bandwagon posthaste. No need to lead a life of anxiety and mental torture when there's someone like Adam Copeland to emulate.
'Plan - This column needs more magenta. All the colours of the rainbow aren’t enough to keep this yawn fest entertaining. Allow me to oblige.
If I was to sit here and tell you all that I could remember the initial reason I became a Bret “Hitman” Hart fan I’d be lying. I know my earliest experiences with the ‘E came around 1993/1994 time when Yokozuna looked unbeatable to any young infant, infants later amaze on hearing Lex Luger had body slammed this devil creature! It was a time when any British kid was, by default, a stout supporter of the Bulldog and I was no different.
What I can tell you though is my first wrestling video was IYH: Final Four headlined by a four way elimination match for the WWF belt, a match Hart won. I recommend you watch it as it’s a largely forgotten yet stellar match. I rooted for Hart through that match because he always looked like he was going through the worst beating of the lot. He looked so real in the ring and now, in retrospect as an adult “smark” I know of just how talented Bret was at telling stories. He thought out every finish to every match and wasn’t above asking relatively new guys like Jericho for fresh finishes when he failed to create one. He could amalgamate match elements he’d know of simply by word of mouth and mesh them together into an unmatched story of epic proportions, performing spots for the first time despite looking like he’d perfected it over years of practice. He would blade but only when the blood added to the match. Bret was a true wrestler with an unrivaled natural instinct in the ring. Maybe his mat skills can’t match up to the likes of Angle and Benoit and he was no Foley on a mic, but on a professional wrestling level, no one had the art of what these men mastered any better than the Hitman. His matches WERE his promos.
He put up with a lot of shit but threw himself into any role he was offered. He has truly left a huge mark on the industry and in my eyes will forever remain the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
Oh here we go. Me and Plantastic seldom agree on anything wrestling related however I haven't seen enough of vintage Bret Hart to make a valid rebuttal. I've only ever watched two matches of The Hitman's - his iron man bout with HBK at WrestleMania 12 and the legendary submission match against Stone Cold the following year. Hard to believe Plan's younger than me yet has been an avid Bret Hart mark for 15 years. I should have known that British bastard would show up here and try to outperform me. Plan was dead on with his assessment... Hart wasn't the greatest mat technician of this generation but he sure did invoke countless hours into the stories he told within the ropes. There is that whole Montreal Screwjob ordeal but I try to refrain from bringing it up in my guest's presence as it's still a sore subject. The time frame was unfortunate since we were shafted out of a Bret/Angle dream feud and various other programs involving The Hitman. With all of that being said, Hart resembles that of a crippled bitter man and he will NOT go down in history books as the greatest Canadian wrestler to ever live. Third best if he's lucky enough.
sheepster - March 4th, 2000. Saturday morning. I woke up unusually early, probably around 9am. I wandered into the kitchen to sleepily get myself some breakfast. A bowl of Shreddies with too much sugar on them. I took the bowl into the front room and switched on the TV. I flicked through a number of channels, looking for the usual Saturday morning televisual awesomeness. Watched a bit of Talespin. Switched over. Watched some Chip'n'Dale Rescue Rangers. Switched over again. And then, at around 10:30am, I accidentally flicked onto Sky One. It was showing an episode of what the TV guide called "WWF SmackDown!". The very first thing I saw was some random guy in Lycra shorts and a t-shirt standing next to a small kid. They were standing on what I now know as the main stage of the arena. The old one with the blue rings. Then the kid started speaking.
"Holy crap. That kid has a man's voice," I thought.
Then I figured it out. "Holy crap! That's not a kid. That's a man."
Then I followed on to the logical conclusion. "HOLY CRAP!! THAT OTHER MAN MUST BE 7 FOOT TALL!!"
In an instant, I was hooked. I was awestruck. I didn't think behemoths like this actually existed.
They were arguing with some guy standing in the ring with a huuuuuge forehead and a twitchy eyebrow. Their main point was that the large bloke should get some sort of "title shot" because his feet didn't touch the floor. After they showed some video, I was convinced. The enormous guy was simply fighting for the truth and the dodgy bloke in the ring was a charlatan. From that moment on, I was a Big Show fan for life.
I've been through many ups and downs with Big Show. I was thrilled to see him win a WWE Title against Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series one year, and I'm so glad I got to see him fight Floyd Mayweather live at Wrestlemania 24. On the other hand, I also saw him in an embarrassing sumo-wrestling match and he was even once beaten by a one-legged child. I've followed him across the whole spectrum of WWE fame over the past nine years, but I've loved every minute of it. No matter what the outcome, he's always entertained me. And in the end, that's what it's all about.
Awww the spontaneous mark has stepped forward and laid down the law. I kinda dug the storytelling route which Sheep took even if I don't think much of the man he marks for ferociously. Big Show is the most physically dominating force I've ever laid eyes on but the company just can't take the guy seriously for lengthy stretches of time. Look at his latest program for example. After WM25, TBS was built up as this unstoppable monster only to lose cleanly to Cena at Judgment Day and tap out to the STFU at Extreme Rules! When Big Show stole the WWE Championship from Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series 2002, he lost the belt merely four weeks later! And his initial WWE Title run in late 1999 lasted barely a month and a half. Why was TBS never given a solid stint as WWE Champion still boggles my mind. Seriously, when does the guy ever suffocate a feud in convincing fashion? Big Show even lost to that spider monkey Floyd Mayweather Jr. last year at WrestleMania 24! In any case, TBS will likely go down as the best overall big man to step foot inside a wrestling ring.
You know, saying I have a soft spot for Maryse would either be a gross exaggeration, or a gross misinterpretation of the word ‘soft’. In reality, it’s quite the opposite…but my Maryse obsession isn’t solely down to her, er, personality. She seems to be from the Trish Stratus school of not just getting by on her looks, even if her character is completely all about that. She knows she’s not just hot, but that she’s unforgettably hot. But looking past the bitchy facade and the extreme arrogance, she’s a hard worker. Whereas performers like Kelly Kelly have learned how to do some pretty impressive moves, Maryse instead learned how to wrestle a match. Her demeanour when in control, her arrogance when going for a pin, her cowardly tendency to run from the first sign of a threat when she doesn’t need to face it – all reminiscent of those classic heel traits displayed by people like Flair and Triple H.
But I won’t try and disguise my love of Maryse with appreciation for her wrestling ability. It comes down to one thing, and one thing only…
Mmmm break me off a piece of that. Admittedly, I never gave Maryse a second thought when she burst onto the scene during the 2006 Diva Search Competition. And when she didn't win the contest, I would have guaranteed most that we'd never lay eyes on the chick in WWE ever again. Maryse landed herself a WWE contract and I asked the wrestling gods why they saw fit to cram another Diva on my television. It wasn't until Maryse captured the Divas Championship in late 2008 that I realized she might actually have something to offer the company. Maryse has evolved into a tremendous heel and the bitchy arrogant attitude works wonders for her. Plus as Joey mentioned, Maryse is one hot ass piece of booty who would probably injure me in the bedroom with her seductive nature. Believe it or not, Shinobi is simply a mild fan of Maryse compared to this next fellow. Continue reading and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Bloodline - It’s no secret, I’ve confessed my love for brunettes already. So it shouldn’t be a surprise to you that I was a Candice Michelle fan back in 2007. And you can’t blame me either. Face it, when it comes to the Divas division, you pretty much have no choice but to take the flavor of the month and/or year. The Divas just don’t hang around like they used to. Sunny, Sable, Trish, Lita, Victoria….they are gone. So, I pretty much go with the times. And in 2007, Candice was in. She got hurt and suddenly got a case of the stupid that appears to be incurable. You can put aside the fact that Candice and I share the same Zodiac sign, or the fact she has a nice rack, or that she looked fine as hell till Victoria broke her nose. But I think my appeal to Candice was merely because she wasn’t ever really perceived as much of anything other than eye candy and despite what some think, in 2007 she was showing DRASTIC strides towards the contrary. For some reason, it was always the chicks that stepped out and showed that they were gonna go against the grain, that got my attention. Ok, so by now you must be wondering why I’ve wasted over two-hundred words on Candice when I’m supposed to be talking about someone else. Well, I honestly believe that if Candice hadn’t of gotten hurt, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Maryse. Thanks to Candice, I found someone better. A new love for blondes. A new love for French people. Just like Candice, I never saw Maryse coming. Eliminated in the Diva Search WAY TOO DAMN early, she was given a second chance and has struck fire like a phoenix ever since. How can I not love her? She has everything I could ever look for in a diva. The way she applies that Camel Clutch of hers. Her legs just spread eagle like that. Wow, I just now saw the terrible pun there. Camel....legs spread. Moving on. And how can you not love her CHARACTER? Yes, a diva with character. It's easy to say, "hey look at me, I'm hot and have huge tits". Maryse says, "hey....don't you wish you could have me?" The mannerisms, all of that. The hand gestures to the ref when he asks her to break holds. I can't tell you how many times I see THE MEN, fail to use the ref in any way. Hell, Maryse shows more ring psychology than 80% of the roster. What about the way she props herself on her fallen victims for that provocative pin of hers? I could give two fucks less about Kelly Kelly, but God I wanted to be Kelly on Monday night. I mean it's bad enough I want to make sweet love to that woman, but hell, she's getting close to the other divas. Just little things like that. Even things like the fact she never takes the same photo twice. Me, I'm a geek, I know this. Every picture I take...looks the same. Maryse on the other hand can make every picture look different. Have you really looked at her photos? Ok, so you don't have all 427,000 pics saved to your hard rive like I do, but still, go browse. She looks like 80 different people rolled into one. That's skill. So, you want to know more about her wrestling qualities. Um....she's got her name on her ass. Much like Cena, Maryse is the kind that doesn't try to do more than she knows how. Much like Trish, she's letting it slowly show, just what she's learning, and what she can do. But this is about my fandom right? If you caught my collab with Sir Fruitimus Maximus back in February, you'll recall that I gave some info on a relationship level as to why I would devour that goddess. Ok, so I'd let her devour me...whatever floats her boat. If you didn't catch it, I'll share a tad. Miss Maryse happens to be an Aquarius. Yeah, some of you don't buy into the Astrology crap. But in the sheer event that shit actually does mean something, well, that happens to fit me like a glove. A match made in heaven. Besides, I'm a tall guy, she's 5'8", she fits the scheme quite nicely. I'm positive that we'd produce a kid about 6'8" or so. He'll grow up to be a professional basketball player and spend his millions on us, his proud parents. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Or what about WWE.com's recent deal about "What Would Your Fantasy Diva Be?" I took that shit and totally matched with Maryse. That's right. She and I supposedly went to a Guns n' Roses show together back in 1991, followed by a night of watching cooking shows and trying to burn down the house. That's what the damn quiz said. Either way, it's love. You know I took French in college last semester? I damn sure did. Mainly to understand what the fuck is being said in her damn theme song. At 6'4", 186 pounds, I’d like to think I could take care of myself, but fuck that. My love happens to be a black belt in martial arts. I'll just let her fight for me. You see, this isn't the first time that Maryse and I have quarreled in a column. A few moons ago, SkitZ approached me with the idea of typing out what would happen if Maryse and I were to actually meet each other. So I proceeded to write the most accurate description of how that night would play out. Sure it didn't end too pretty for me, but fuck it was a great time. Still, the point is. I can't get enough of this chick. Before she was traded to RAW, I actually found myself sitting all the way through Smackdown, just waiting for her to come on. Yeah, it’s that bad. Hell, I even watch Superstars now, just to see if she comes on there. I don't watch Superstars for anyone else. Hell, I barely watch ECW for Christian. As I said earlier, I liked Candice and really thought I finally had someone to root for. But she got broke and just wasn't fixable. Maryse on the other hand, has longevity. And I like that. Come on baby, make Daddy happy!
Jesus almighty. BL gets in-depth, doesn't he? Due to his comments above, I thought it'd be a nice touch to add in one of those provocative pin covers Bloodline was alluding to earlier. The two collaborations my homie was talking about were insane. Only Bloodline could talk me into a "Guess Who?" parody column pertaining strictly to the WWE Divas. BL then followed that up with one of the most creative and detailed pieces I've even come across on LOP. If you're about to bust a load in excitement, here's said link... Taste My Rainbow [37] - Candyland Enters The Twilight Zone so we don't experience any wardrobe malfunctions. I should have gotten Bloodline's opinion on the recent release of Candice Michelle but there will be other opportunities in the future. And obviously, BL desires a woman who can avoid multiple injuries. Dude just tossed Candice to the waste side and moved on to brighter things (<--- See what I did there?). We shall see if Maryse sticks around WWE as I still have some doubts. Now If she was unemployed or some shit, my comfy bed is completely prepared for occupancy!
T.O. - From St. Louis, Missouri, weighing 245 pounds, he is the rightful WWE Champion…RANDY ORTON!!!
Oh Randy Orton, how do I love thee (‘no homo’ may not be required)? Let me count the ways…
Well, I guess I’ll start off with the fact that our personalities have a very strong parallel. Those of you who know me know that I like to play the dickhead role (mind…gutters…) often. Orton just flat out revels in that shit. Him DDTing and kissing Stephanie McMahon to send a message to HHH? Like I haven’t thought about doing that to my enemies (and T.O. has a long list of them in real life) from time to time. Lucky bastard Randy, you got one up on me there. Plus, how many people do you know that get to kick their disrespectful, ungrateful bosses square in the fucking head? People who don’t realize that they shouldn’t mess with the Messiah flat out deserve a size 14 to the cranium.
Orton also isn’t afraid to voice his opinions from time to time. Got a problem with something? He’ll let you know, whether it be with a scathing verbal jab or a swift kick to the skull. That little bitch John Cena would just crack a gay joke and wait for the cheap pop, while Randy gets right to bidness. And don’t give me the “he can’t wrestle” bull, Orton is a throwback to the days of the NWA. If Orton ever pulls off a twisting 720 exploding tiger suplex into a backbreaker, I’m going to find every piece of Rey Mysterio merchandise, and Rey Mysterio as well, and burn them to cinders.
People say that Orton is just riding his father’s coattails into the business and didn’t earn a thing? Fuck you people, that just proves his dedication even more. Randy Orton practically grew up in the business, and had perhaps one of the most underrated (I didn’t say best…) heels to learn from in his father. If that doesn’t show that he loves it or knows what he’s doing, what will? Him not breaking kayfabe even in non-WWE venues? Name one other heel that does that. Jericho comes close, but even he is too afraid to tarnish his media image. Gotta protect Fozzy and that bustling VH1 career, right Mr. Irvine?
In Takeover's defense, he's the ultimate Orton mark around these parts and has backed up the Legend Killer for as long as I can remember. I first caught Orton fever in mid 2007 when the dude just started squashing dudes and punting innocent victims in the skull without hesitation. It was the post-Evolution Randy Orton that I've been anticipating for years. How quick the Legend Killer is to slap a referee or uppercut an opponent in the eggs mid-match to save his WWE Title. Shenanigans like that crack me up on a consistent basis. I'm just wondering why the fuck Batista was booked to dethrone Orton at Extreme Rules when surgery for The Animal was inevitable. Shit makes no sense whatsoever. Aside from Copeland, Orton is my favorite heel to watch despite the scared wimpy turd he's currently been portraying on RAW. Orton bleeds wrestling and I honestly believe its' evident to viewers on any given night. His past backstage incidents were all hilarious and I can't help but feel there's more to come in the future.
The answer to TMR [50] was indeed "Sable". Woot woot for my 16% Correct Guess Ratio! I honestly didn't receive a ton of replies for my last riddle but at least those who did were fucking clueless. The majority suggested Trish Stratus and while the clues seem to fit, I don't believe the first does. Trish's early days in the company were anything but hostile. Sure it wasn't until two years later that she learned to wrestle but has that stopped other eye candy Divas from sticking around for the long haul? Certainly not.
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Initial material success and then failure ensued.
I'm one rude dude who very rarely gets booed.
When I show up on TV, fans are instantly glued.
My skills delude while I partake in nothing feuds.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
Well I had a date planned with the chick Melissa on Friday night but that went up in smoke to no one's surprise. That Jew bitch had the audacity to cancel on me at the last second! Who throws in the towel an hour before showtime? I'm borderline offended... although I have ditched her twice before so maybe this was just some payback. Why am I wasting so much time on Melissa? Because Simone is my only other realistic option right and she just fucked some random dude at my friend's party. I'm not here to pick up anyone's sloppy seconds. Unsurprisingly, Simona Lisa wants to hang out every damn day now. Um... guilt anyone? I do fancy a good chase so I might just pursue Melissa like a blind man with AIDS and hope for the best. Perhaps its' true about no woman wanting used goods? When I was married, bitches were throwing themselves at me. Nowadays the most action I've gotten was some old perverted lady slapping my ass at a recent job. And call me desperate until the cows come home but I wouldn't tap that shit on my deathbed.
Last time I touched on the NBA Finals, Game One had just taken place. And as of today, the champions were crowned days ago. The result? Lakers beat down Orlando in five games. It was really a series of blown opportunities for the Magic. Had Courtney Lee's shot gone in and Orlando hit their free throws down the stretch in Game Four, it could have been the Magic with a commanding 3-1 lead heading into Game Five. Los Angeles just kept their shit together, executed well and hit big shots during crunch time. Orlando practically looked scared in the final game and the effort just wasn't there. Watching Kobe lifting up the trophy did make me slightly nauseous but here's hoping they slack off next season like most defending champions tend to do. If I've learned anything during all of this, it's that Hustle knows his fucking NBA. Good thing we didn't compete in a prediction contest or else I'd be on my knees blowing the guy right about now.
And that's where we'll end the story for today, children. That two week break from writing was pretty nice I must admit. Considering I posted two columns while away in Arizona, that shit was well deserved! Now its' back to work and it continues next Sunday with an idea I snagged out of a WWE Magazine from 2007. On a side note, I'd like to send my condolences to SUPERFAN! for his recent Main Page departure. SUPES is another talented bastard who I grew up with in the Columns Forum and his unique writing style will be sorely missed. Enough with the depressing nonsense. Instead of sending SUPES a farewell email, do me a favor and hit up this bad boy here (SkitzLOP@aol.com) with your thoughts on my column. A bad friend, eh? Pfft! I'm just speeding up the healing process. Alright I must return now to NBA LIVE 09 immediately for its' beckoning me from a distance. Later homies.
