Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [47] - Project L-MAN
By SkittleZ
May 17, 2009 - 1:29:15 AM
[47] - Project L-MAN
What's up sisters and brothers from different mothers! Coming to you once again from the uneventful hills of Connecticut where not even gas stations are open past midnight. I'm Sir Fruity and this thing that you're reading goes by the name of Taste My Rainbow. All the lazy bastards out there can simply refer to it as TMR if they'd like. Doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. Well my wallet continues to fatten but the sexy females are becoming more and more scarce in this neck of the woods. What can be attributed to this? Maybe I'm just getting uglier with age. Whatever the reason, I shall carry on for the good of... homosexuals across the globe? Kinky. Now I just wanna warn you ahead of time because this shit is about to get crazy random. In fact, most of you outside of the LOP Forums won't have the slightest clue as to what the fuck's going on. Just know beforehand that it was done with shady intentions for the good of mankind.
SkitZ: Ladies and gentlemen there is a force of nature ravaging the poor LOP Forums as we speak. It has been for months and this being has shaken the website down to its' very foundation. Some view this creature as a bizarre form of entertainment while most stomp around angrily in response to its' mindless banter. This presence has a name and that is L-MAN. The early stages of puberty have done little to restrain or alter his unrelenting persistence and childish tactics. Entire threads have been created out of spite as monuments to the almighty L-MAN. He has graciously made room in his schedule to join me here today for... well an experiment of sorts. Teh L will now introduce himself to the Main Page audience.
Teh L: Hello everybody, I am L-MAN. I am a CF column writer and the FFA punching Bag. Skittlez asked me to join him here today because I am indeed taking the CF, FFA and the entire world by storm.
SkitZ: Well said. I have often heard you refer to yourself on the message board as "The #1 Most Hated Poster in LOP". Can you explain what instigated such animosity between yourself and other posters at Lords of Pain?
Teh L: Well although it usually stays with me saying FFA at the end of that phrase I think everyone is just jealous. They only hate me because they know I am the man. The L-MAN to be exact. They only hate me because they want to be me, I am the greatest poster to grace LOP. Everybody just wishes I wasn't
SkitZ: Teh L has definitely taken an interesting perspective on things that's for sure. Now I must question whether you came to LOP out of wrestling fandom or to make a name for yourself? Please also state your age and place of residence.
Teh L: At the moment I am 14, and live in Halifax Nova Scotia. I guarantee that no 1 person reading knows where it is either. I came here out of fandom and wanting to write a wrestling column because I had read MP columns for a long time before I signed up. Reading the MP columns lit a spark inside of me and now you people have L-MAN the CF superstar.
SkitZ: Ah Teh L takes a stab at humor albeit failing miserably. Okay now before we get down to business, please list your address and social security number. This is all routine proceedings.
Teh L: 85 Gle_ Torr_id__ c_. Is that enough info for you?
SkitZ: I assume it will suffice. Alright I've compiled a few simple questions which Teh L is to answer before legal witnesses here today. The following test was created by trained professionals and is solely for research purposes. Responses shall be analyzed and documented.
1.) Which one of these WWE wrestlers are injury prone?
A.) Mr. Kennedy
B.) Umaga
C.) Edge
D.) Rey Mysterio
E.) Candice Michelle
Teh L: Ok let me see here. Little Rey Rey Fufu seems to never go 15 minutes without being in a stretcher, But then we have Kennedy who I havent seen in forever, so I will lock in A
SkitZ: Fool! That was obviously a trick question which you failed to detect. The fact of the matter is every one of those individuals that I mentioned above spend more time jerking off (Candice included) than competing in the ring. Kennedy can't say his name twice without straining a vocal chord, I love my Edgykins but he should carry a first aid kit with him at all times, Umaga's multiple tattoos have led to ink poisoning in his legs, Rey Rey will need a thigh amputated any day now and Michelle apparently takes the shlong a little too aggressively. And here I was thinking those erotic movies were fake and shit. Nonetheless, I'm deducting points... and Teh L hasn't even recorded any yet. Pathetic.
Teh L: You fruity bastard. Show some fucking mercy i'm 14 here. Hit me with the next question
SkitZ: You bet I will. Commence testing immediately.
2.) Fill in the blank: If I were Triple H, my main priority would be to _______ the entire company long and stiff with no regard for human life.
Teh L:Kill. He doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything at all. Kind of like myself in the FFA, If Hunter and his nose don't go away soon then he just might_______ the company
SkitZ: And why in the hell would The Game kill the company (long and stiff I might add) when he's got everything in the palm of his hands come retirement? Hunter is married into royalty and guaranteed to take over the creative reigns once Vinnie Mac goes completely ape shit. Plus, WWE is all Trips has ever known. He's got a wife and two kids to support for crying out loud! I will be easy on Teh L however which is why you'll only be docked seven and a half points. Fill in the blank a little better next time dammit.
Teh L: Fuck, hey Miley Cyrus is starting to grow boobs
SkitZ: Wow what an inappropriate assessment. As is that poster of her in your closet next to the soggy Nickelodeon magazine. Let us move onward.
Teh L: (Mad Face)
SkitZ: 3.) Short Essay: Is the WWE racist? If not, then why isn't Shelton Benjamin World Heavyweight Champion by now? After that, explain why The Great Khali should have his own cooking show. This is to be completed in two hundred and forty-seven words exactly.
Teh L: No the WWE isn't fucking racist. Just because Shelton Mommas Boy Benjamin isn't world champ has nothing to do with racism. Why isn't Rey Mysterio and Cody Rhodes world champion. Are they racist against white people and Mexicans too? Of course not, Bobby Laschley, Ron Simmons and Brotha T are all former champs so the only thing the WWE can be racist against is Shelton Benjamin’s. And honestly I don’t blame them. It is all about how they work, if there is a shitty wrestler who is black then he doesn’t get a top spot. If there is a shitty wrestler who is white then he doesn’t get it either. Shelton Benjamin will probably be world champ before his career is out anyway. Moving on now. Why in the hell would they give Khali a cooking show? Is he going to teach us how to roast grasshoppers the right way? Even the sound of “Punjabi Food” makes me want to throw up. I do have a cool name for the show though, “Cooking with Khali”. It is catchy already. Isn’t Punjab like way over in India or some place like that? If you want to make food from India get yourself a fucking cookbook. We do not need some 7 foot 3 monster telling us how to cook Punjabi food in a language that nobody understands. And if they had that scrawny little translator fuck with him I would assassinate Vince McMahon.
SkitZ: Well congratulations for fucking up again. Didn't I just say 247 words? You gave me 242! Unbelievable. I must now deduct more points from your overall score. Can your fragile IQ handle a few more questions?
Teh L: You bastard you said 42. Oh well bring the rest on.
SkitZ: 4.) John Cena has won 3 WWE Championships and 2 World Heavyweight Championships during his 7 year career. At that rate, how many times will Cena have won each if he retires at the end of 2023?
Teh L: I will go with 17
SkitZ: I said EACH, jackass! Not total number of title reigns. Try again.
Teh L: oh fuck ok, I suck balls at math, here we go. 11 WWE championships. And 7 World Heavyweight Championships. Hows that you asshole?
SkitZ: Piss poor to be honest. I know Canada is a harsh place to grow up but is their educational systems really that fucked up?
Teh L: No it isn't, I am just tired at the moment and too lazy to do a bunch of math that has anything to do with Cena
SkitZ: Well it definitely showed in your final answers. Both of them are incorrect. Not horribly inaccurate but it was basic fucking math so there's reason to worry.
Teh L: well I will go and run with that not HORRIBLY inaccurate. Move on please. And for god sakes don't make it a math question.
SkitZ: 5.) FACT or FICTION: Batista would be way more intimidating if he grew out a beard and thick grizzly chest hair. (Support your decision with 3-5 sentences).
Teh L:FICTION. He would only look like a bigger douche. I am imagining a cross between Shawn Michaels and the old Snitsky. I might need therapy now. He already does fine with his tough tanned guy type so a beard and chest hair wouldn't add to the equation.
SkitZ: Holy shit.... that went better than I could have ever imagined. For the first time thus far, you receive positive points for a competent response. I would give you kudos but there's more work to be done. Is Teh L prepared for what lies ahead?
Teh L: of course. Bring it
SkitZ: That's the spirit! I'll even give you an easy one.
6.) Finish this sentence: Edge will go down in history as the...
Teh L:favorite wrestler of Lords Of Pain columnist Skittlez. He he he
SkitZ: I admire the gesture but that miserable attempt at ass kissing isn't going to get you places in Candyland, fool! "Greatest WWE wrestler of all time" was the end of that sentence. And the sad part is I tried to help you out there. Listen Adam Copeland is only 34 years old and is already enjoying his NINTH World Championship reign. Few have accomplished as much as The Rated R Superstar and he's just going to pad his stats until the time comes to hang up the boots. As for those points you earned? Oh look at that... They just vanished into thin air.
Teh L: You bastard. Oh well fuck you, give me another question
SkitZ: Ask and you shall receive.
7.) Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Chris Benoit. Brock Lesnar. What do all of these men have in common?
Teh L:They all won a Royal Rumble.
SkitZ: True. Although that couldn't be further from the answer I was looking for! Unfortunately for you, the correct response would have been anything along the lines of "every one of them have/had blue eyes". Tough luck, kid.
Teh L: Wow eye color? You have to be fucking kidding me. Oh well let the next one roll
SkitZ: The questions never lie. The previous one was to detect your attention to detail or lack thereof.
8.) Every member of the Evolution stable were defeated by ______ at _____.
Teh L:Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania. A wild guess
SkitZ: Is that wild guess a direct result of drugs or alcohol? Because HBK has never faced Randy Orton or Batista at Mania to my knowledge you fuckwad. Hmmm where's that scoring card. I need to decrease Teh L's abysmal score.
Teh L: Oh fuck, I forgot about Batista.
SkitZ: No shit.
Teh L: Oh well can we move onto non wrestling related questions for a few minutes? I'm sure I can score better on them.
SkitZ: Be careful what you wish for.
Teh L: Oh well I basically can't get any worse of a score then I have now. Bring it x2
SkitZ: Oh right... I forgot you're currently at a first grade mathematics level. The Candyman simply asked whether or not the trio of Xan, Hus & SkitZ are better columnists than Random, Wevv & Pt2.
Teh L: Well I have never read a column from either of the second batch so I will say Xan, Hustle and you FTW.
SkitZ: Awww that's sweet.... but INCORRECT. While XanMan is a legend in his own right, the other three are as well. We three are nowhere near Random, Wevv & Pt2 in terms of total columns or creativity. I'm also disappointed that you write columns for LOP yet have never read one single piece from any of those three individuals. Your score takes another fatal hit, junior.
Teh L: fuck, oh well please continue. Next please
SkitZ: You are a resilient little prick. I'll give you that much.
Teh L: Thanks
SkitZ: How many columns have you written up to this point?
Teh L: 11. I must get full points for that?
SkitZ: No that was not an official question. Notice it wasn't numbered, dipstick.
Teh L: Shit. ok can I have an official question then?
SkitZ: 10.) How come after writing eleven columns, you still haven't made significant strides in spell check and proofreading? (I hope folks realize this may be all that's holding Teh L back from super stardom).
Teh L: I guess I was very much caught up in making everything perfect and fixing the other problems that spell checking and proof reading get slightly lost in the shuffle. I am trying for my next one to go with 0 spelling mistakes and better grammar and proofread. Also, I wouldnt exactly use the word super stardom at the moment. What do you think of my columns?
SkitZ: What the fuck do you think this is, son!? I'm the one whom asks the important questions here. Plus, now is certainly no time for comedy. You've done woeful through the first ten questions but there's still enough time to turn things around. This last one's for bonus points.
Teh L: I can't have one question you selfish cock? Oh well since your questions are so fucking good hit me with the last one. I need all of the bonus points I can get.
SkitZ: 11.) Why does Canada suck so much wiener?
Teh L: It doesn't. If anything America sucks wiener. By the way your Edgykins is from Canada so I would watch what you say. In America their is a horrible recession. terrorist attacks, you are aloud to have concealed weapons and George Bush was president of it. If anything America sucks wiener. I made the point solid by saying the same thing twice so it can really sink in.
SkitZ: Sink what in? Wieners? You're fucking nasty. Twisted even.
Teh L: Oh fuck off. Bottom line here is that Canada is the fucking place to be and America sucks.
SkitZ: I'm sorry you feel that way. Nonetheless, I've got good news. With that excellent final answer, you pass the test!
Teh L: That's good, do I get an overall grade out of this whole clusterfuck of a test?
SkitZ: Hell no! And I lied straight to your face. The world failure now has lower standards because of your showing here today.
Teh L: Oh well at least I set new standards in something. So that was the end of the test then?
SkitZ: It ended with the part where you outright flamed America with no remorse whatsoever.
Teh L: Ah I see, so are we wrapping this thing up?
SkitZ: Exit now, vagina face. Teh L has served its' purpose.
Teh L: Bye Everybody.
SkitZ: See now was that so painful? Alright perhaps it was but I digress. My main concern is what has the world come to when naive adolescents are berated for spamming a message board with mindless dribble? This poor fellow has been scrutinized for his every action to the point where dissing L-MAN is now officially the cool thing to do. Can a young rebel without a cause not enjoy the simple pleasures of LOP with grammatically incorrect posts? I like to think we open our arms to any stranger in search of a second home. To be honest, I've taken quite the liking to young L-MAN over the last several months and have hopefully given him enough ammunition to continue his reign of chaos over LOP for years to come. L-MAN for Mod. L-MAN for Student Council. Hell... even L-MAN for President. Because if there's one thing I've learned in a short span of time, L-MAN equals ratings. 'Tis not what your country can do for you but rather what Teh L can do for the IWC.
The answer to TMR [46] was indeed "The Brooklyn Brawler". So the final tally indicates an 80% Correct Guess Ratio but let me explain! Since I used the riddle of a loyal reader, it only seems fair that The Candyman is NOT held responsible for the high turnout of correct guesses. And as for any other Fruity Followers thinking about sending in a riddle, I'm not accepting that bad boy unless its' guaranteed to baffle the masses! Can't be taking anymore chances with my reputation at stake. Keep in mind the riddle below was manufactured by myself with no outside resources of any kind.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Won two from a real wrestler and one from a Samoan.
Given my thirst for competition, hard to tell if I'm coming or goin'.
In the end, respect was one thing the NYC crowd weren't showin'.
Turn the lights off and my ass would surely start glowin'.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
If you're familiar with the Column Series Invitational (CSI) from the LOP Columns Forum, it should come as no surprise that we writers share an intense fetish for literary tournaments. Yet another is set to start in the coming weeks and it 's known among the site as UK vs. US. Indeed the title's extremely generic but my lobbying for something catchy went completely ignored. The fucking nerve of some people! Anyways, the basic premise should be obvious. A team of American columnists battle a handful of British writers with both sides consisting of six individuals. The opposing captains are Degenerate (US) & JoeyShinobi (UK) who were appointed to hand pick two writers each to participate for their respective teams. Degen chose XanMan & me (duh) and Joseph selected Sheepster & Mazza. The other six slots are to be determined in a write-off competition taking place in the CF at this very moment! So if you need some excitement or ideas for a school paper, check out UK vs. US posthaste.
Digging the NBA Playoffs? Aside from the ones shown exclusively on NBATV, I don't think I've missed a single game throughout the first two rounds. Cleveland & Denver both made quick work of their Conference Semifinal opponents and now await the winners of a pair of Game 7's happening later on today. I'm not expecting miracles but Houston knocking off L.A. wouldn't just make my day. That'd make my year and I'm hardly exaggerating. Meanwhile, who really believed the Celtics would have a shot at the Conference Finals with no Kevin Garnett to lead the way for Boston? Orlando's weaknesses are exposed for the world to see and the C's are 33-0 in playoff series where they have obtained a 3-2 lead (jinxing FTW). However you've still gotta take the Cavs and Lakers in the NBA Finals.
Chalk another one up for The Candyman. This weekly streak business is kinda fun I must admit. It's intriguing to watch how long I can stretch this run out before a one or two week vacation becomes too tempting to resist. I shall go it alone next Sunday with a topic that's been on the shelf since before WrestleMania 25. Some wild accusations will pop up in that piece I promise. Said column is seven days away though. Let us focus on the task at hand which is YOU putting feedback in MY email basket! Kindly send here (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and a short uninspired response will follow. With all my points covered, I think it's time for me to disappear. Chocolate milkshakes own my soul. Later homies.
