Posted in: Taste My Rainbow TMR [42] - First Chapter Of The Attitude Era Reflection Manual
By SkittleZ
Apr 12, 2009 - 12:50:29 AM
[42] - First Chapter Of The Attitude Era Reflection Manual
Happy Easter Sunday! Much like Thanksgiving and Christmas, this festive holiday has simply become another excuse for me to stuff my grill with little regard for human life. If it wasn't for my incredibly fast metabolism, I'd be one fat piece of shit. Welcome peeps across the globe. My name's SkittleZ and this is someone's sugar induced birth child - Taste My Rainbow. The consolatory column with questionable motives. Tired of the never ending collaborations yet? Well bare with me for another month because Dr. Monkey has kindly agreed to accompany me on a remarkable voyage free of charge! Hopefully, you're a fan of the Attitude Era like most because that's what TMR will be centered around for the next three weeks. Oh and a belated shout-out to the newest Main Page addition, Mazza. If you read his work in my last column, it's no wonder why the guy was recently promoted. He will have the unfortunate honor of replacing DaveyBoy's legendary status but lets wish him the best!
The late 1990's brought with it a new brand of wrestling. With World Championship Wrestling attracting more and more viewers, Vince McMahon and his stagnant product were faced with an ultimatum. Push the envelope or allow a long standing promotion to slowly deteriorate. Well suffice to say, Mr. McMahon made the right moves. His company set record ratings when push came to shove and WCW couldn't help but continually stumble. Wrestling fans were introduced to a vast array of adult situations, mature storylines and cutting edge characters. At the time, WWE was just as entertaining as any other program on television. In some bizarre act of dedication, Monkey Man and myself will be revisiting the Attitude Era over the next four columns. So before any more setbacks arise, lets look back on those special bastards who warmed the hearts of millions.
Al Snow
Subliminal messages reached a fever pitch in the late 90's and I blame most of it on this man. At times, Head seemed like the calm of the storm that was Al Snow's frame of mind. His stint with the J.O.B. Squad made for good times but I don't believe anything can live up to a tag match (technically a handicap bout) that took place on PPV during the summer of 1998 between The Snowman, Head and Too Cool. Witnessing a bottle of Head & Shoulders attached to the mannequin head being pinned in a wrestling contest brought much joy to my youth. The Kennel Cell match? Maybe not so much. Al Snow would go on to become the head coach of MTV's Tough Enough but fell off the face of the Earth not long thereafter. When WrestleMania came to Chicago in 2006, I spotted Al Snow in a local mall and contemplated asking for his autograph. I opted not to however as a signature from the Snowman doesn't exactly equate to a prized possession nowadays. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Snow is a guy who I have tremendous respect for. The first time I ever saw him as Leif Cassidy as part of the new Rockers all I could think was "this is the guy replacing HBK?" Talk about some big shoes to fill and it's no wonder the guy couldn't get over very much as a heel or face. Luckily for him a stint in ECW was just what the doctor ordered as he became a big cult hero over there. Though not technically a WWE moment, that night that the crowd filled the ring with Styrofoam heads was simply epic. Then he returned to the WWE to help the hardcore division way before it was a joke. Hell his bouts with Hardcore Holly were amazing and I hate ol' Sparkplug. The main thing I admire about the guy was his ability to adapt. He could be serious, well as serious as a guy carrying around a head can be or comedic. He really created some great memories for me. Monkey's Random Ratings:
APA
While Bradshaw has evolved into a fine upper card/main event level wrestler, the great mic work of JBL pales in comparison to his tenure as one half of the Acolytes with Ron Simmons. Many tag teams had the taste of victory in their mouths before APA hit the ring for an almighty annihilation to turn the tide. And all just to earn a few bucks. Their protection agency provided some brutal beat downs and the bar room brawls were nothing to scoff at either. God had no pity on the souls who dared to waltz into the APA's office without knocking on the door first. The backstage segments were chock full of poker playing, beer drinking and ass kicking. Gimmicks don't get much better than that my friends. It wasn't simply about entertainment either as the destructive duo could get it done in the ring and proved it with a few title reigns to their credit. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
These guys were decent as part of the Ministry and perhaps better than they should be. On one hand you had the first African American World Heavyweight Champion in WCW with Ron Simmons. While on the other you had Justin Hawk Bradshaw who was coming off a failed stint in his last tag run. In fact Ron Simmons hadn't been exactly the most successful guy in the WWE. Somehow though the two just gelled as a badass tag team. Once the APA was born they really found their niche both in terms of wrestling and getting the crowd behind them. I'd even go as far to say they were in my top five favorite tag teams of the Attitude Era, which considering how stacked that division was back then it's quite the accomplishment. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Big Bossman
Given his permanent persona, you can probably understand why I didn't care much for the Bossman. Plus, I was from a younger generation who missed his work with the WWE during the early 90's. It felt like Bossman played Vinnie Mac's bodyguard for an eternity when in fact it was just a year or two. I've gotta give it to the guy though... he was born to be a heel without question. Much like Vicky Guerrero (just a little less masculine looking), the late Bossman was a heat magnet and all it took was one swing of his nightstick to rub fans the wrong way. I don't recall him capturing the tag team titles with Buchanan but Bossman definitely won the Hardcore Championship on a number of occasions. Which made perfect sense following the Corporation days given his rough ring style. It's unfortunate he bit the dust shortly after retiring. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
I hate to be so negative on the guy but I was just never a Bossman fan. From his classic days in the blue garb to his 57 WCW characters (LOL the Guardian Angel) to his last days as the man in black. To his credit though, he was much more of a badass when he donned the black and even gave us a great moment when he stole the coffin of Big Show's dad. While he fit the bodyguard role to a "T" he just never gave me the impression that he was the type of guy you needed to worry about taking the big belt off of you. Plus it seemed that he got thrown in the most random tag team (well not quite as random as Head Cheese) with Shamrock. While the dude may go down as a legend, I have to say that during the Attitude Era he produced more forgettable moments than unforgettable. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Bull Buchanan
When he made his debut, Buchanan complimented the Big Bossman well and the two appeared on their way to becoming a solid tag team duo. Things never really progressed to success and I guess it makes sense since combining two lames hardly ever produces gold in the world of pro wrestling. Several would suggest Buchanan reached his peak when he joined forces with Steven Richards, Val Venis, The Goodfather and Ivory to form Right To Censor. It was more of the same however during his run with RTC. His weaknesses remained hidden for a good while since he was buried within a fan despising stable full of jobbers. The WWE probably kept Bull around longer than necessary because no one can ever sell me on the concept that was B-squared. Even wigger Cena couldn't get fans to buy into that rubbish. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Imagine if you took Booker T, made him a white guy with piss poor mic skills and then subtracted 100 from the wrestling ability. Shave his head and you got Bull Buchanan. This guy is the Waylon Mercy or Mantaur of this generation. Not so much in the fact that his gimmick was over the top, because it wasn't. I mean more in the way that he's only remembered for all the wrong reasons. I'm pretty sure if you asked B2's mom what she thought of her son's wrestling career she'd laugh in your face. Find me a guy who admits to Bull Buchanan being their favorite wrestler and I'll find you a guy who needs to be banned from this site. Seriously fuck you. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Chris Benoit
With doomsday quickly approaching in WCW and after being labeled vanilla midgets, The Crippler fled to WWE along with Malenko, Saturn and Guerrero. Some guy on the creative team thought it'd be rad to name the group The Radicalz but it was obvious in 2000 that Benoit was the diamond in the rough. He waged some awesome wars with Jericho throughout the year and would spend his first three plus years with WWE as the cream of the crop in the midcard division. A boost to the main event was halted in mid 2001 when a serious neck injury led to The Crippler being out of action for a full year. Benoit showed his stuff in 2004 when the company finally gave him the rub. Benoit had a tremendous championship reign but would soon get bumped back down the card. An extremely solid seven and a half year stint highlighted by feuds with Angle, Booker T and MVP. We most certainly missed out on more greatness due to the tragic double murder/suicide. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Ah, Benoit the legend doomed to be forgotten. I remember the first time I ever saw Benoit wrestle during the NWA tag tournament in WCW when they brought him in to team with Jushin Liger. He impressed the hell out of me as a kid and I really kept an eye out for him. Unfortunately I missed his ECW run as it happened, but when he showed back up in WCW years later and just showed the multiple aspects of his persona I was in awe. He could put on epic brawls with the likes of Kevin Sullivan, Raven, and D.D.P. but also put on wrestling clinics with the likes of Bret Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Dean Malenko. Though he had a rocky start to his WWE career, his feuds with the above mentioned Angle, Jericho, and even The Rock were nothing short of epic. I'll even go so far as to say that his World Title win was one of the best triple threat matches I've ever seen. Of course he'll be remembered for all the wrong reasons in the end. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Chris Jericho
Perhaps the best WWE debut ever. Y2J jumped ships at the height of the Attitude Era and never looked back. Considering he was placed in an extended program with Chyna and passed with flying colors tells you the type of talent that Jericho possessed. He'd go on to set a record for most Intercontinental Title reigns but his biggest accomplishment (as he loves to remind us) came at the end of 2001 when Y2J defeated Stone Cold and The Rock in the same night to be crowned the first ever Undisputed Champion. Similar to his Canadian counterpart, Jericho would return to the midcard after dropping the Undisputed Title at WrestleMania 18. Y2J had as much charisma as anyone and could amuse crowds to no end. His constant dissing of Stephanie and her breast implants had fans in stitches. His return to the company in late 2007 was met with skepticism but Y2J hushed the naysayers in 2008 by taking his character to unprecedented heights. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Jericho as good as he's always been has forever been cursed with the big splash debut that doesn't go as far as it should. His exchange with The Rock on his first night of Raw was nothing short of awesome but it seemed his time in the main event was short lived. Even though he's consistently put on great matches it just seems that for years the WWE was afraid to go that extra mile with him and kept him mostly in the upper midcard. Of course the exception to this rule came when he won the Undisputed Title but even that came off as just a transitional reign. Still one of the most consistent guys on the roster who just by being in the match helps make those around him better. Jericho has managed to transition from the Attitude Era funnyman to the serious heel. Now he's coming off a hell of a year and hopefully his performance will finally be rewarded with a lengthy reign at the top. He deserves no less. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Chyna
Aptly titled the Ninth Wonder of the World, Chyna immediately altered the perception of the prototypical woman. She was ripped, unapproachable and there was more testosterone running through her body than all of her DX partners combined. Chyna would quickly become the only female in history to wrestler men on a regular basis. Chyna's appearance would get easier on the eyes as the years went by and she could soon do it all. Wrestle good matches every week, cut promos and interact with the audience. After D-Generation X and the Corporation, Chyna partnered up with Latino Heat which led to some hilarious segments between the two. She set countless records such as the only female Intercontinental Champion and Royal Rumble entrant. The inevitable happened as we saw Chyna downgraded to the Women's Division in the latter stages of her career where she displayed just how dominant she really was compared to the average Diva. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
I'm kind of torn on Chyna. She fit in with DX as the intimidating female bodyguard and it was always funny to have a good laugh at the fact that HHH was practically fucking a man. Once her stint in DX and the Corporation (though short lived) were over she started falling out of grace with me fast. In her early days she was this big intimidating being but as time wore on she just started to resemble a woman more and more. Given she always had that somewhat masculine figure but as she started becoming more and more feminine it started to seem odder seeing her beating up men. Call me sexist, but I'm not trying to see your run of the mill (ok well not run of the mill) female beating up on my favorite wrestlers. Not to mention her co-Intercontinental Title reign with Jericho was absurd. Sadly she got to the point where she thought she was bigger than the business and Vince served her a big heaping of reality pie. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Debra
Well if it isn't Stone Cold's personal punching bag. Er... I mean voluptuous ex-wife. Debra burst onto the scene (puppies FTW) as a manager of Jeff Jarret and she turned heads much like Sable did a few years prior. Only difference was Debra was nothing more than eye candy. The kind you'd see on a DVD of late night office porn. She sure did use her assets to aid Jarrett during his IC title reign though. I also vividly remember a feud where Debra would have to strip naked if Goldust beat Double J. And of course the Gold One won to everyone's(?) dismay. After Jarrett departed, Debra was left with jack shit to do and the gorgeous southern bell was practically useless. That was until Stone Cold returned in late 2000. Debra would follow the Texas Rattlesnake around aimlessly during his heel run and the InVasion angle but when Austin became a face once again, there was really no point in keeping her around. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
This is like some sick community service gone wrong. I have to write an entire paragraph dedicated to one of the most useless on-air personalities of all-time. As if it wasn't bad enough that she was an honorary member of the horsemen thanks to husband Steve McMichael (sigh) but then she turned up in WWE. She basically spent her days following people around and was supposed to be considered eye candy in that "eh, it's been awhile and if I squint my eyes she's almost hot" type way. She should just consider herself even lucky to have collected a WWE check for as long as she did. Monkey's Random Ratings:
D'Lo Brown
Call me racist but I referred to D'Lo back in the day as chicken head because of his herky jerky head movements during his ring entrance or while taunting an opponent. That chest protector of his was pretty fucking hilarious too. Brown was brought in with the original Nation but his character didn't really receive any TV time until The Rock was running the stable. D'Lo enjoyed some success as European Champion and in 1999 when he teamed regularly with Mark Henry. Despite his stocky frame, D'Lo was lightning quick in the ring and knew how to put on a show for the fans. At one point, Brown dubbed himself the EuroContinental Champion when he'd really caught fire with the crowds across the country. The sad part about his WWE career is I can't even remember when he left the company. He is pretty well remembered for paralyzing that one wrestler though... SkitZ' Candy Rating:
D-Lo is one of those guys that proves that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. When he debuted in the Nation he just struck me as Mr. Generic background extra. Boy was I wrong, and I'm willing to admit it. D-Lo started out as a big man that could get around the squared circle and morphed into an above average wrestler that had more than his share of exciting moves. To this day the "Sky High" is one of the sickest versions of the spine buster I've ever seen. Plus his chest protector was like a modern day Bob Orton's cast. Much like my Candy Coated friend alluded to, he is another man that will be remembered for the wrong reasons. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Droz
Not known as the biggest failure of all time, Droz was first introduced to fans as Puke. An individual who would partake in some pretty sickening activities if my memory serves me correctly. Once Prince Albert hit the scene, the two were what I'd call a formidable tag team even if their success was rather limited. Both men sported several piercings and came off as people you'd see as bouncers at a club in the middle of fucking nowhere. Droz would transition from teaming with Albert to budding into the Legion of Doom's long lasting relationship. It often appeared Droz wanted in the group by any means necessary. WWE ran that ridiculous segment where Road Warrior Hawk scaled the TitanTron and contemplated suicide before accidentally falling to his death. With Hawk out of the picture, Droz took his place as one half of LOD but the move never panned out and the duo disbanded. Of course I'm pulling all of this out of my ass. Am I anywhere near correct, Monkey Man? SkitZ' Candy Rating:
You are 100% correct about Droz being pulled out of your ass. The best part of that dude was seeing McMahon yelling "he's gonna puke....he's gonna...he's gonna puke" over and over again in Behind the Mat. Once he became wheelchair bound he started playing the whole "boo hoo I'll never walk again" gimmick. Get over it, Christopher Reeves was in a wheelchair and he was Superman. Oh.....Christopher Reeves was Superman before the wheelchair, afterwards he was just a shell of his former self? That sucks. Droz, I'd be pretty pissed if I were you. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Dudleys
When Bubba Ray and D-Von ditched ECW and showed up on WWE programming, people weren't sure quite what to make of the unorthodox duo. Especially with Bubba's stuttering gimmick which to this day is one of the lamest fucking concepts in wrestling history. However all the uncertainty began to wash away when the Dudley Boys started giving the Divas a good bit of wood. Not like that you horny fucktards. I'm talking about innocent women being powerbombed off the top turnbuckle through tables. And to this day, the 3D has to be one of the coolest fucking tag team finishers ever invented. The Dudleys, along with E&C and the Hardyz, revolutionized the tag team landscape with their car wreck matches and insane spot fests. Unlike the other two major duos of the Attitude Era, Bubba Ray and D-Von remained intact for the majority of their WWE tenure and are still an item in TNA. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
The first time I ever saw these guys was the very epitome of attitude. The heat these guys got was ridiculous. I'm not talking "let's boo these guys because their bad" type heat. I'm talking "I'm gonna shank these fuckers if I see them on the street" type heat. The first promo I ever saw had Bubba Ray telling some older lady that if she didn't shut up D-Von was gonna stick his dick so far up her daughter's ass she'll taste it for a week. I was floored at the vulgar nature they displayed but it was that they drew me in. When I actually watched them wrestle, I saw that they were violence personified. I feared the worst when they debuted in WWE as I knew they'd be watered down but to my surprise they were eventually pushed to the top of the division. Easily one of the best tag teams of my division and the type of guys that can get over as diabolical heels or get a spot as the ultimate anti-heroes. Besides, anybody that powerbombs Mae Young off the stage through a table is sick enough to be admired by me. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Earl Hebner
Easily the most recognizable referee of the Attitude Era. Hebner routinely found himself the center of attention more times than he probably cared to count. His frequent confrontations with The Game over the years made for some memorable moments. Seeing a little tampon like Hebner step up to Trips always reminded me of that little kid in school standing up to a bully. Unfortunately, the results were usually just as they'd be in real life with Earl getting laid out for standing his ground against much larger athletes. I was so damn proud of Hebner when Vinnie Mac placed him in a tag match during 2000. The happiness soon escaped me though as poor Earl ate a steel chair for dinner courtesy of a stiff pedigree. Not soon after that, Hebner made a fast count on The Game and thus Jericho was announced the new WWE Champion. Hunter promised to keep his hands off Earl if he reversed the decision and being the gullible bastard that he was, Earl did just that. Then Trips informed Hebner that he was fired and Hebner got his ass kicked anyways! The zebras took a beating back then. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Good ol' Earl Hebner. You want to know just how iconic he is, try and name as many referees as you can. If you ask twenty people that same question, I guarantee that Earl will make at least 19 if not 20 of those lists. For years he personified the big match atmosphere. When Earl was calling the shots, you knew the match was gonna be something special. Like Skitz said, the guy even took a few shots in his day. Of course most of all he'll go down as the guy who called for the bell in November of '97 and got the hell out of dodge. To this day not many people get as much heat in Canada as Earl does in the wrestling world. How many referees can say that? Exactly. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Edge & Christian
Both Copeland and Reso were revealed to be brothers from the get-go and quickly teamed up with Gangrel to create The Brood. The trio often reminded me of a spin-off attempt of The Lost Boys minus the comedy. It's hard not to seem badass when you make your entrance by rising up through a fiery pit of unpleasantness. Undertaker would recruit Edge & Christian soon after and the duo definitely benefited from the spotlight. Their Terri Invitational matches verses Jeff & Matt would put them on the map emphatically. What followed in 2000 and 2001 was one the most hilariously entertaining tag teams ever assembled. The five second poses, dirty tactics and corky catchphrases propelled E&C into a must-see act on television. Like Edge now with his World Title reigns, the duo would rack up the Tag Team Titles seven times within a single year and were always top contenders in the division. One of the top three tag teams of the Attitude Era. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
I got to agree Candyman, while some may argue that the Hardys were the better team I say E & C had everything they had and more. Not only could they put on awesome matches but they could be entertaining in the promo department. Something the Hardys don't know much about at all. While Edge ending Jesus' career (look it up kids) could have been a big setback The Brood helped get the troubled Edge on the map. Being a badass vampire stable is cool but in order to make it in the long run you got to adapt and boy did they ever. E & C really helped put the "E" in WWE even when it was still a "F". As a tag team you'd be hard pressed to find any better and as singles stars the duo have excelled just as much. Future Hall of Famers for sure. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Essa Rios
You can possess ridiculous levels of talent but with no mic skills, a pro wrestler can only get so far. Essa Rios was a perfect example when he returned to the company immediately following WrestleMania 16 with Lita by his side. Fuck I don't even think Rios knew a lick of English! The second stint with the WWE kicked off great with a short program opposite of Eddie Guerrero and Chyna but it was all downhill after that I'm afraid. Essa had the aerial skills to be a viable threat in the cruiserweight division which evolved two years later. Unfortunately, Rios didn't make it that long as he could barely get face time as a jobber on Heat. Aside from a few impressive moves and spots, I never cared much whatsoever for Rios because he didn't bring anything different to the table that we hadn't already seen from other high fliers who came before him. Lord knows where the guy is right now. Probably working for a convenient store in Mexico. Clue us in about his earlier days with the company, Monkey Man. That was a little before my time (no offense). SkitZ' Candy Rating:
You know what's funny? I was a diehard wrestling fan that didn't miss a minute of programming in those days, yet I can barely tell you shit about good ol' Essa Rios. I do remember a brief Lightweight Title reign before he jobbed out to the man of 1,000 holds, Dean Malenko. I also remember his piss poor turn on Lita. If I saw him on the street today I probably wouldn't even recognize him. Talk about making an impact. Yeah.....I guess just read this paragraph twice to give the emphasis that I had more to say about this fine wrestler. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Fabulous Moolah & Mae Young
We're not talking about your average Golden Girls here, folks. These mature women pleasured me during my teenage years like few could. Moolah even jumped back in the ring on a few occasions at the risk of breaking a hip or suffering a panic attack. Mae Young however was the stand-out of the group and no one can persuade me to think otherwise. Her lustful relationship with Sexual Chocolate had adolescent boys jerking off in bathrooms all across the world. The mysterious hand Mae gave birth to should be put on display at a WWE museum for all to see. Young was a trooper too as she was always up for anything the WWE threw at her from a creative standpoint. From being powerbombed off the entrance stage through a table to showing off her seasoned puppies in a swimsuit competition. Moolah passed away in 2007 but Mae still pops up every now and then. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Honestly, Moolah and Mae never did much during the Attitude Era outside the powerbomb you mentioned. The hand birthing was one of those moments where you find it hard to defend being a wrestling fan. I get that they were legends in their time but I can only judge them by what I've seen. Rather than be too disrespectful I will instead say this:
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Gangrel
The first time I set my eyes on Gangrel was a true WTF moment. Here was a guy who loved showing off his fanged teeth and often drank a red substance out of a goblet. The vampire gimmick was a stretch but wasn't everything in the late 90's? His transition from solo wrestler to leader of The Brood was a smooth and successful one. Gangrel may not have accomplished much stat wise during his WWE run but I'd bet money 95% of wrestling fans from the 90's remember him lurking around. Since his release from the company, I've seen dozens of indy wrestling shows featuring Gangrel and the guy is still going strong with the vampire gimmick so more power to him. As time progresses, fewer marks will remember him but is that necessarily a bad thing? It can be argued that Kevin Thorne portrayed the character much better in later years. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
I dug Gangrel when he debuted, and was all about his entrance. Then I realized his character wasn't a gimmick and he actually was one of those "I'm a vampire, fear me" nerds. Still his implant DDT was vicious, so vicious in fact that Edge stole it and left Gangrel with nothing. Well nothing except Luna Vachon but that's the same as losing. On a lighter note one of my friends came up with this stipulation where guys who we thought were destined to be lifetime jobbers would have "the" added to their name. The Gangrel was the first wrestler awarded this title, he should be proud. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Gillberg
One of the most feared men in professional wrestling during the wrestling boom. In his own mind. Duane Gill effectively pulled off the greatest parody of all time I've gotta say. TNA's atrocious attempt to copy Austin with Shark Boy last year proves how tough it is to pull off mock gimmicks. Gill was a poor man's Goldberg and after an uneventful stint with the J.O.B. Squad, WWE's creative team decided to make the most of the situation by setting Duane up for the big time. Gillberg's crowning achievement would come at the 1999 Royal Rumble when he stormed to the ring in a fit of rage and was eliminated in record time. Anyone who fears their own pyro is a winner in my book. It's almost too bad the company didn't keep Gillberg around and use him in a Santino-esque role. The only difference is Duane lacked alot of the natural charisma Santino possesses so we'd probably be in for a ton of botched promos and segments if Guy was to stick around. One thing I will say is Gillberg was much more entertaining than Goldberg's WWE tenure. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
One of my favorite moments with Gillberg was when he disappeared (probably released) for awhile and the WWE did nothing with the Lightweight Title. He shows up a year or two later and they just pretend he was busy defending the title in Japan and pump up his "longest Lightweight Title reign ever." As for his Attitude Era run, he was the embodiment of the Job Squad's "Pin me, Pay me" motto. Of course Duane Gil will always be best remembered as the guy who did the Goldberg parody but it made for some great moments. Plus how funny was it to see him spear people and they don't even budge an inch? Monkey's Random Ratings:
Goldust
The Gold One shocked crowds with his flamboyant and homosexual nature. A feud with Piper that culminated at WrestleMania 12 brought Goldust to the forefront of WWE's product at the time. A solid midcarder for the majority of his time with WWE who captured the Intercontinental and Hardcore Championships a handful of times. Some of Goldust's interaction with Stone Cold during Austin's rise to fame showcased what the Gold One brought to the table. As did his controversial storyline with Val Venis and Terri Runnels revolving around a severed penis. (sigh) Those were the days. Goldust's motivation appeared to sway in the latter years which led to many short (and rather unsuccessful) stints with the company. He never came close to reaching the main event level but memories of Austin tipping over Rhodes while he was in a portable crapper keeps him fresh in the mind of Attitude Era fans. Goldust was mainly known for his mind games to psych out opponents. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
Poor Dustin Rhodes, for a big part of my youth I remember watching Dustin's matches in WCW and being a huge fan. When he debuted as Goldust I didn't know what to think until I realized that his character was all about making his opponent uncomfortable. When he opened his shirt and revealed a Gold heart that said Razor on it, I marked out hard. He even put on some great matches with Undertaker in addition to his solid IC title runs. However something went south along the way, and instead of creeping into the main event he started moving back into the midcard where he got stuck. It's a shame to see Dustin never get to move out of the "funny/weird" angles he was stuck in because in his prime he had a ton of talent. Oh well, at least he got to kick people in the balls a bunch. Monkey's Random Ratings:
Hardy Boyz
We're all familiar with Jeff & Matt's story by now as it's been thoroughly explained in WWE DVDs and video packages multiple times over the last decade. The timing of this entire concept is ironic with the two brothers currently feuding and their careers coming full circle. The Hardyz surprised many with a high flying onslaught which fans hadn't seen in WWE since The Rockers. The company knew the duo were inexperienced and needed some direction so the cane wielding Michael Hayes was brought in as the team's manager. The Hardyz managed to win the Tag Team Titles during the summer of '99 in a monumental upset. After a brief run with Gangrel as the New Brood, Matt & Jeff reinvented the ladder match along with E&C later in the year. It wasn't long before the Dudleys were added to the mix and Jeff kicked off his long string of holy shit moments. Several awesome matches and title reigns before Jeff's drug problems led to his release in 2003. SkitZ' Candy Rating:
From colorful jobbers to one of the best tag teams in some time, funny how things work out. While they were clearly a rising tag team most people consider their first true defining moment to be the ladder match Skitz brought up as part of the T.I.T. tournament (you have to love the Attitude Era). Matt was always the more traditional wrestler (well in a new age sort of way) while Jeff was the big spot/high flier. Gimmick match after gimmick match the Hardys were winning over audiences. The guys were so over that even after losing to Edge and Christian in a few TLC matches they were still two of the most over guys on the roster. While it took awhile for their singles career to fully take off, you can't argue with their current success. Dr. Monkey:
Headbangers
I missed out on Mosh and Thrasher's initial start with the company but I witnessed enough in 1998 and on forward. WWE definitely capitalized on the grunge punk/goth stereotype in the 90's by implementing it on television in the form of The Headbangers. The duo were always up for outrageous shenanigans and stood out with their appalling ring attire. Mosh & Thrasher were no strangers to gold however as they racked up a few Tag Team Championship reigns during their day. There were a few decent feuds along the way with teams like the New Age Outlaws but they were mainly a lower tier tag team. By the turn of the millennium, The Headbangers were running amok with their Madonna breast cones and spending a good amount of time in the Hardcore division. Longevity didn't favor Mosh & Thrasher's though as both men were out of the company by 2002. I often treated The Headbangers as a bathroom break but maybe that's just me... SkitZ' Candy Rating:
My problem with Mosh and Thrasher is they just seemed overly manufactured from the get-go. Fake body jewelry and brand new shirts sporting the name of the poster boy of controversy at the time "Marilyn Manson" just seemed too contrived for my liking. It shouldn't be a good thing when a gimmick that is a raunchier knock off of "Leave it to Beaver" was a better move for one of the members. Somebody has to be the anchor of the tag division though, so why not the latest "stereotype". Monkey's Random Ratings:
The answer to TMR [41] was indeed "Dolph Ziggler". A 61% Correct Guess Ratio, eh? I can live with that. Of course that percentage needs to dip a little and I've realized what must be done! In an attempt to dumbfound the lazy bastards who are getting my riddles right, I've decided to insert irregular words on occasion and hope those individuals hate using a dictionary. Don't look at me like that either... crazier ideas have paid off. Failure is one thing I will not tolerate! Outside of PPV predictions obviously.
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If title reigns are overrated, I've accumulated all this gold for no reason.
Why must my career always suffer around WrestleMania season?
When the end is near, I'm looking for your face to bury my knees in.
If these were medieval times, one McMahon could accuse me of treason.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
SkitZ' love life is like a revolving door. Remember me fawning over Simone a few columns back? Well the romance kind of flickered out shortly after I wrote that piece. Supposedly, Simone was in her first serious relationship last year and the guy broke her heart at the end of summer. Simone explained to me that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet so I've since backed off and decided to play the waiting game. Her school semester ends on May 15th so we'll see what the summer of 2009 holds for me (it can't get much worse than the previous year). In the meantime, I attempted to hook up with a Jewish chick who I've been talking to since November. My friends stepped in at the last minute however and told me she wasn't worth it so I heeded their advice and waived farewell to Melissa. Some fantastic friends, right? Pfft.
My beloved Phoenix Suns have been eliminated from playoff contention! The final dagger! Nah just kidding. This is when I commend myself for jumping on the Celtic bandwagon last summer! I still love Steve Nash and Co. but the team is in dire need of some major adjustments. I love high scoring offense as much as the next guy but we need some fucking defense in Phoenix already! It has gotten downright depressing to watch them play just about anybody. Which is exactly why I'm hot for Boston. The team is defensive minded and has the ability to win pivotal games away from home. LeBron James and the Cavs are really finishing off the season strongly however and the Celtics could be in a world of trouble if Kevin Garnett isn't healthy when the two teams meet up in the postseason. As impressive as Cleveland's record may be, I'm still not convinced LeBron's teammates can step it up when he needs them the most. Although if push came to shove, I'd way rather have the Cavs win the NBA Title over those cum guzzling Lakers.
When the lights are on bright, plug your heart out.
Woot woot for the weekend! Looks like it's back to the weekly grind for a bit, folks. With me and Monkey ahead of schedule, I should have no problem posting a new chapter every Sunday from now until early May. Unfortunately, former Main Page columnist Anonymous won't be aiding us in the series but we were already at maximum capacity so someone had to get the shaft (no homo?). Don't worry about it though. All I need you to do is send me some damn feedback! It's simple really. Just type up your thoughts, send them to (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I'll jump for joy. Replying? Oh no I don't do that... psyche! I'm the biggest feedback whore around this place. Anyways, I've gotta get some sleep. Please never forget that when it comes to cougars, quantity trumps quality. Later homies.
