Posted in: Taste My Rainbow TMR [39] - TNA Is #2 (And We All Know What A #2 Is)
By SkittleZ
Mar 15, 2009 - 1:27:16 AM
[39] - TNA is #2 (And We All Know What A #2 Is)
Damn... the weeks seem to fly by don't they? Especially during Mania season. The bills are piling up but they can only hold me down for so long! Ridiculous amounts of work are on the horizon and by this time next month, I'll have reached official baller status. Or escaped serious financial debt. I'm just a squirrel in the world looking for a nut. My name just so happens to be SkittleZ and this is my prized possession - otherwise known as Taste My Rainbow. The column that always likes to show some good sportsmanship with a slap on the ass. Collaborations are the cool hip thing right now so we'll keep with that theme today. One of LOP's most infamous ranters has agreed to drop by and share his two cents with us. What a sweetheart he is. Alright we've got some serious bashing and name calling to take care of so it's probably best if I move us right along. If you're easily offended or an enormous TNA fan, now would be a great time to leave.
Mr. McMahon is racist towards SmackDown viewers! Vinnie Mac wants to beef up the RAW roster, eh? Ummmm isn't it already stacked enough? And just when it appears we've reached some equality between the top two brands, changes have to be made!? According to recent reports, Vince wants to work on bringing in more of the Hispanic viewers by switching Mysterio back over to the blue brand. So what? Mr. McMahon thinks only Mexicans are home Friday nights because they're immigrants in hiding!? How dare he. Vinnie Mac has been known as many things but a hater of foreign countries and all of its' inhabitants? I never would've imagined. SmackDown is doing just fine in my opinion. Sure they could use the likes of a Christian or Chris Jericho but why go tap all the talent from the show now when things are running smoothly? All I ask is for Edge to please remain on the blue brand. If Copeland heads back to RAW, he'll be screwed. I'm predicting a heavy forecast of Orton, Cena and Trips for the next five years.
Indianapolis can suck it long and hard. The Lucas Oil Stadium is the leading venue candidate for WrestleMania 27!? Ugh. Listen I've been there and its' nothing to write home about. Indy is overrun by two genres of people... hillbillies and hoodlums. Except for a few nice areas, it's a pretty unattractive city overall. I realize it's a new stadium and the venue can hold a large capacity but Indy? Seriously!? While WrestleMania is an American pastime, I'd rather see the event hosted in London or some shit than Indianapolis. Just seems like a mediocre location to me. Why the fuck can't Las Vegas get any love? That's party city right there! Shit lets pack up and visit Hawaii after the Pro Bowl. Anything other than Indianapolis would suffice. Why am I making such a big deal about this? Because Indy is the bloody rectum of America. And yes I just took it there.
Suspicions of Chris Jericho's WM25 opponent intensify as the big dance draws closer. The majority of the I.W.C. seem to have their panties in a bunch over who Y2J will face at Mania and why the match hasn't been made official yet. Major kudos to management on keeping the mystery man all hush hush for so long. True they may not have figured out who Jericho's opponent is as of right now but the company has gotten much better at keeping surprises concealed. Especially in an age where the internet's sole purpose is to spoil everything in advance for wrestling marks. I thought for the longest time Mickey Rourke would step in the ring with Jericho to defend his legend buddies however WWE appears to be moving in another direction. The Hulkster always remains a strong candidate given the time of year and storyline but we shall see. LOL @ people groaning over a suggested Y2J/Koko B. Ware bout. Not even Freddie Prinze Jr. on his worst day would've proposed such a debacle.
A certain someone's been Punk'd and I'm calling bullshit. Explain to me how JBL being granted an Intercontinental Title shot out of nowhere makes any fucking sense. Not to mention he managed to take the belt from CM Punk last Monday night. Is Bradshaw supposed to bring prominence back to the once prestige championship? He just doesn't fit the midcard scene. The company goes to great lengths to build up Punk finally capturing the Intercontinental Title; only to strip him of it less than two months later and right before WrestleMania. I mean let me get this straight... Mark Henry receives a spot in Money in the Bank but Bradshaw doesn't!? Now I find myself concerned with who WWE will book JBL to defend the title against at WM25 since most of the big names on RAW are currently occupied. My buddy Mavsman mentioned how there were rumors circulating about it being Vladimir Kozlov. Um please don't make me puke and faint at the same time. Choking to death on my own vomit is something I'd rather not experience.
SkitZ: In an act of defiance against TNA, I've chosen to bring in an expert on the subject. An individual who's well aware of the companies' tomfoolery. Now when blasting TNA's countless weaknesses, people love to point out first and foremost the atrocious booking which the companies' writers are responsible for producing. Would you care to shed any light on this issue, Phantom Lord?
Phantom Lord: Oh where do I begin with TNA? You know books can be written about TNA and the ineptitude that runs that company. When I was in college, my professor told the class whatever you see on television is result of the executive producer signing off on it. I've used this argument for the WWE because Vince signs off on everything and the same can be said for TNA with Jeff Jarrett. Everything that is wrong with TNA can be blamed on Jeff Jarrett. It's his creative vision, it's his production team, and it's his everything. Everything wrong with TNA is Jarrett's fault and until Dixie Carter starts acting like the boss she is supposed to be and either reigns him in and makes him change the product or fires him and all of his puppets, nothing in TNA will ever change.
SkitZ: So Jeff Jarrett and Dixie Carter have been deemed the guilty culprits. Therefore, most of the blame should fall on Jarrett's shoulders in my estimation. I mean how much heat does Carter truly deserve pertaining to a business which she's clueless about when it comes to specifics? Plus, she's one hot ass MILF! (Can we get a picture in here, Phantom?) Double J is the one behind the levers and thus he's exactly what's working against the company. Personally, I'd never put a guy in charge who's competed in Good Housekeeping matches against transsexuals but that's just me. Despite some subpar years, TNA still has the talent and drawing power needed to make a significant splash in professional wrestling. My concern is whether Vince Russo's really doing more good than harm? Or is it vice versa?
Phantom Lord: Well first off for people who don’t know who she is or keep thinking she’s one of the actresses from Designing Women (I somehow feel most of you reading probably don’t remember or know that show... God I feel old), let me clear up any confusion.
This is Dixie Carter, President of TNA Wrestling.
She's a babe.
She's magically babelicious.
She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
Anyways, I’m sure Dixie Carter is one of the nicest people in the God forsaken wrestling business. But since she is the boss, anything that goes wrong with the product is her fault because ultimately its her job to put in place the people who will. By all accounts she refuses to because “she has faith in Jeff Jarrett’s direction”. While she doesn’t agree with it all the time, she will ultimately not take Jarrett and his lackeys out of power because she has faith in him. She’s the President so she has to take charge. While TNA might be doing good enough numbers to keep them in the black at the moment, a lot can happen. Now I’m sure Dixie realizes the pinch our economy is in at the moment. I’m not going to be ordering any PPVs for a long time to come. TNA’s pay per view buyrates are rumored to be just above the 14,000 mark (if not lower). TNA should be getting numbers in the high 70’s to low 80’s but instead they are way blow 20k. I wonder how low they will have to dip before it finally clicks in Dixie’s pretty little head that a major change is needed. Television ratings are nice but if you are a national company on PPV and are drawing that, you're doing something wrong in a major way. It’s amazing to think that Vince Russo is an innocent pawn in all of this. Granted TNA looks like WCW 2000 which was very much most of his doing, but Russo’s creative direction and input is minimal at best. Everything we see is Jarrett’s responsibility. I’m just waiting for him to turn heel on TNA and win the World Title again and you know Dixie will go along with that too.
SkitZ: Doesn't TNA appear to be on the same fatal path as WCW? I mean you just mentioned how similar the pay per views are. I personally have no idea because I don't watch the filth and still wouldn't even if it were free. The company is over flooded with talented up-and-comers but seem hell bent on focusing the majority of the attention on aging main event wrestlers. The storylines are head scratchers more often than not and TNA screws up even the most elementary of angles. They can never create something awesome without ultimately botching it savagely. The formula for success is basic math however TNA is so intent on sticking it to the WWE that they're allergic to keeping it on the straight and narrow. And above all else, why the fuck is Sting still wrestling!? He's entering Ric Flair territory in terms of senior citizenship.
Phantom Lord: Well being someone who probably is a masochist, I watch TNA PPVs just to see if I’m proven right. Take the Final Resolution PPV (I think that’s what it was) where Mick Foley had been billed to wrestle in a six-man tag match. Well Kevin Nash ended up in the hospital (and God knows after seeing that booking if it were me, I would too). Instead of doing something competent like changing it to a tag match with say Foley and Styles against Angle and Steiner, TNA pulled a play right from the WCW playbook and scrambled and put Cute Kip in the match. In 2009, Billy Bitchcakes was in a main event PPV because “he was a star ten years ago”. Maybe if TNA kept Al Snow around they would have had a back-up plan for someone to face Foley. But that’s a whole different issue.
Back to the question however. The reason why TNA relies on so-called “big names” is because they think they're bigger than they actually are. It’s a classic inferiority complex. Canada, The French, and TNA all think they are much bigger then they actually are. TNA should come to the self-realization that they are not the number one company in the world and that they will never ever compete with the WWE. The sooner they do that, the sooner TNA could actually start making itself into an actual company worth a damn instead of a constant source of aggravation for me and many others. Until TNA does this, they will just continue to circle the drain or as I like to say, steer right into the iceberg. And for a guy who is about to turn 50, Sting is in pretty good shape and he can bust out a damn good match when he feels like it. Only thing is TNA usually gives him no reason to which is why Real Estate Steve phones it in 98% of the time.
SkitZ: TNA is like a porno with a hot chick who fucking rocks accompanied by a sloppy dude who can't tell the difference between a vagina and a fuzzy bellybutton. That's the best comparison I can come up with at the moment. Hell I get angry with myself for even glancing at IMPACT results from time to time because I know damn well going in that none of it will appease me. Every now and then, I'll forget what day it is and check to see if UFC is on..... only to rest my eyes on that dastardly six sided ring before changing the channel immediately. When there's nothing else on television Thursday nights, I turn off the TV and go find constructive activities instead of watching TNA as a last resort. To put things in perspective, ROH comes before TNA and I've never watched a single match from the promotion! TNA is definitely the butt of all jokes across the pro wrestling universe. I mean when TNA eventually declares bankruptcy and goes under, Vinnie Mac won't even bother turning it into a storyline or mentioning it on WWE television. Not because the InVasion angle was botched beyond repair. There's just nothing to gain from picking on such a mediocre organization. But from a fans perspective, there are never a shortage of TNA jokes because they fuck up on such a consistent basis. Smarks carry unlimited ammo. You want a boost in ratings, eh? Ditch the SPIKE network and broadcast TNA on Comedy Central. Problem solved.
Phantom Lord: Well I’m sure I could come up with better comparisons than the above mentioned one but it serves it’s purpose for the time being.
Sonjay Dutt was recently on some wrestling internet show and he had this to say:
TNA wrestler Sonjay Dutt says TNA is being pressured by Spike TV to use TNA Impact to focus on big name stars rather than quality wrestling matches. As a result, the X Division has diminished in value, according to Dutt. "I don't think they've used it to its best abilities as time has gone on," Dutt recently said on the Who's Slamming Who podcast. "It has something to do with them getting two hours, being on a nationally televised network, having to answer to ad sponsorships, having to put on guys with name value versus a quality wrestling match."
I can live without quality wrestling. I mean it doesn’t have to be five star matches all the time. Even if this is true and TNA is only pushing all the old guys at the behest of the network then I could live with that. What I can’t live with is TNA rehashing WCW yet a fucking again. TNA is pretty much WCW 2000 right now. But Spike TV has it all wrong. It’s not big names that will draw people in. What will draw people in is something fresh and exciting. Why in God’s name would I want to watch something I saw almost ten years ago? But then again, Spike is owned by CBS and CBS isn’t exactly the brightest of networks. Well technically speaking, Spike is part of the MTV Networks and all one has to do is watch about five seconds of The Hills to get an idea of how smart the people in charge of the networks must be. The big names are nice and all but the reason why TNA really doesn’t draw huge numbers (shitty booking aside) is because TNA is never advertised outside of Spike TV. You're telling me that you can’t get Kurt Angle or Samoa Joe or ANYONE from TNA on say the Top 20 Countdown on VH1? The WWE has people on there promoting WrestleMania 25 and they aren’t even part of the CBS corporate umbrella anymore. If Spike wants to put these big names to use, fine. Just start actually promoting it outside of commercials during CSI on Spike.
SkitZ: I hadn't even thought of that until you brought it up, PL. TNA can use all the publicity they can get and video games don't exactly count. When do you ever see the company highlighted in anything mainstream? Not even Bound for Glory summons any significant notoriety. I realize the company isn't working with a WWE-like budget but shit.... cut back on some of those ludicrous structures in gimmick matches and spend that money on commercials or newspaper ads. I honestly forget sometimes there's another wrestling organization down south. TNA's like an illness that makes you nauseous and gives you the shits occasionally but is never worth seeing a doctor for treatment. I still don't understand why the hell Samoa Joe resigned with TNA instead of jumping ship to WWE. Is he afraid of 'selling out'? Was it a show of loyalty to the company? Does he fear the Umaga treatment? I'd think Joe would utterly despise TNA by now. I mean here's an organization that he busted his ass for - only to have Kurt Angle show up and snag the World Title within a couple of months. So Joe waits and waits and waits and waits to the point where when he finally wins the big one, it's almost anti-climactic! Oh and of course, TNA botched his title reign right on cue. Back me up on this one, your Lordship. And just like Christian and Gail Kim, aren't we sure to see several more TNA superstars return to WWE for financial stability?
Phantom Lord: Publicity has always been TNA’s problem. They do absolutely none at all whatsoever. I can think back to when TNA was on Fox Sports, the most they did was some stupid special on Best Damn Sports Show. While that was good since it was on the FSN networks, I saw nothing on FX or any other Fox owned entity. News Corp is the biggest damn media conglomerate in the world and if you can’t even use a small fraction of that advantage then just get out of the media business altogether. Skip forward to now and TNA is on a network that is run by MTV and CBS. Again we see NOTHING from TNA on any of those other networks. The video game should have been a good first step but it didn’t exactly help matters that the game absolutely sucked. I mean when the people that designed it keep saying “that’s a great idea, we got to do that for the next one”, I wouldn’t hold my breath for the next version.
As for why Samoa Joe didn’t sign with the WWE if he had the chance, I don’t think it's about being a sell out. Most Indy guys would probably sell their first born to be in the WWE. I think with TNA he feels that he'd be taken seriously and wouldn’t have to portray an ass backwards savage jungle face…
You know what? Scratch that theory. I really don’t know why he stayed in TNA. If I had a choice between being a joke in TNA and being a joke in the WWE, I’d take the WWE because at least there once you get released you can say you're a former WWE superstar and milk that for all its' worth. Saying you’re a former TNA Wrestler to most people would probably get a “huh” reaction. I honestly can’t see how anyone can be loyal to TNA unless they really believe all the bullshit Jarrett and his company spew. Now personally, I understand that you have to do what’s best for “business”. Putting the belt on Kurt Angle was a good business decision in theory. How they handled it? Not so much. If it were me, I’d be more upset with how they were booking than who they were booking. But yeah if things don’t change in TNA, I suspect a lot of their top guys will leave in the next year or so. With Ring Of Honor on TV, at least there's now an option for them if the WWE isn’t calling.
SkitZ: Oh definitely. I just don't see TNA turning it around anytime soon. Whenever I'm sure the company can't possibly get any worse, they go and prove me wrong. If you can't stand toe to toe with WWE, why not capitalize on some of their weaknesses? The 'E never gives the majority of their tag teams the light of the day while TNA has the personnel to construct a deep division. WWE killed off their cruiserweights by firing half the field and turning the rest into jobbers. Why not put more emphasis on the X division like back in the day? The WWE has a few talented Divas but the rest are merely eye candy. Why cast the Knockout division aside when it was one of TNA's few bright spots? Thank God I don't watch the shit because just thinking about it frustrates me. You're a brave soul if you tune into Impact or a TNA pay per view without a bottle of Tylenol or Advil handy. I'm unanimously behind Phantom on this one. Jeff Jarrett needs to be lynched Tennessee style for allowing TNA to deteriorate in front of his very eyes. Didn't Double J learn during his time with WCW that mega stables centered around main event has-beens never work? The low levels of common sense just astound me. Why fans would rather spend their time aggravated and displeased is beyond me. If these issues are never attended to, TNA will die a slow and painful death. And when that day comes, I'll drop a deuce in an envelop and mail it to Orlando.
Phantom Lord: Well like I said, TNA is fucking clueless. They honestly believe they are on the same level as the WWE. Sure unlike the WWE they’ll have a good tag team division and those vanilla midgets who do the flippy moves to get some extra show time. But when it comes down to it, TNA doesn’t give two shits about the X Division or Tag Team division. To be honest, I’m surprised the Main Event Mafia doesn’t hold all the titles in TNA right now. At least then I could've had my dream of Kevin Nash as X Division Champion.
God Damn You TNA. Damn You To Hell.
Who is the X Division Champion right now anyway? Oh yeah I think it’s Alex Shelley (not that TNA would actually let you know that or anything). Sure they do those stupid Rough Cut segments where all the guys get serious about their careers. “Oh look at me. I’m in an Ultimate X match because all I’m good for is big spots in a YouTube video”. The Knockouts Division picked up the ball where TNA had dropped it on the X Division and for a while, the Knockouts were getting the highest rated segments on the whole show. But lets be honest here... some people in TNA have what we’ll call “mommy” issues and why would they want to see a bunch of broads in such a good spot? Awesome Kong is a better wrestler than maybe half the roster and more over than most of them but when she dares to ask for a pay raise they tell her to go somewhere else. Of course, the best part is TNA's still looking for someone to be the top face of the division to fill Gail Kim's spot.
IF YOU DIDN’T LET HER FUCKING LEAVE, YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION. AND YOU ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE WHO CAN BE THE TOP FACE OF THE DIVISION AND HER NAME IS O FUCKING D B.
Jesus God almighty. ODB is everything you’d want in a top face for a division and they're wasting time on some stupid win-a-date angle with her. But you watch... I bet they’ll put the Knockouts title on Andromeda when he/she debuts. No disrespect to Cassandro though (I just know he’ll be a joke there).
I don’t know if I would lynch Jeff Jarrett. I would much rather see him fail and destroy himself in the process. I mean that’s what he's doing to TNA. There is so much TNA can do but they refuse to so you know what? Fuck them. Like I said, I’m sure Dixie Carter is a nice woman but she has no clue how to run a wrestling company and it’s sad she’s fallen for Jarrett’s bullshit hook, line and sinker. And I beg anyone, ANYONE even remotely affiliated with TNA to respond and prove me wrong.
SkitZ: Hehe. Its' probably best if we end things on that note. You heard the man though. Send an email to to this address if you dare. ---> (phantomlordnyc@yahoo.com)
The answer to TMR [38] was indeed "The Boogeyman". Ah now see that's more like it! Wouldn't you say a 45% Correct Guess Ratio suits me much better? I must admit that the last riddle ruined my confidence a little. Fortunately, I rebounded with a strong showing and can now relish in stupefying more than half of you. And I'm in a giving mood (literally you bastards) so I even threw in another clue just to be nice. Don't say I never did nothing nice for you.
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People weren't ready when I won the big one.
Crowds love me and my wrestling style is fun.
Tattoos you ask? Check me out. I've got a ton.
I've been all over and I'm proud of what I've done.
Someone fits the same criteria. I just get less sun.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
Several wrestling websites have reported that Andrew "Testosterone" Martin was found dead in his apartment late Friday night in Tampa, Florida. Upon hearing the unfortunate news early this morning, I informed my friend who responded by saying he could care less. Now while he's entitled to his own opinions and emotions, it got my wheels turning. In a professional sport like wrestling, do we hold biased standards towards certain individuals? For instance, the odds are Test suffered a drug overdose or the steroid abuse caught up to him (as was the case with Curt Hennig and Eddie Guerrero). However I think it's pretty obvious that far less will grieve the loss of Andrew Martin than the previous two I mentioned. In the grand scheme of things, is that necessarily right? Hopefully, he is commended for his work ethic and contributions to the business instead of simply being remembered as a midcard wrestler who never made it to the next level.
Just when I was convinced my Phoenix Suns would never win another game in franchise history, they snapped their six game losing streak with a home victory over the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder. It wasn't even in dominating fashion either. Suns' management are the ones to blame for all this! Phoenix was on the verge of championship material two years ago and now they're struggling mightily just to make the playoffs. I realize the Suns were in desperate need of some defense but the Shaq trade along with other roster moves has just weakened the team's chemistry. I say we roast Steve Kerr's nuts over an open fire. Phoenix is several games behind the Dallas Mavericks for the last playoff spot in the Western Conference and it looks fairly grim. I almost wish the franchise would trade away Amare Stoudemire and let Steve Nash and Shaq's contracts expire so they can get the hell out of town. Dark days are about to fall on Phoenix. Which is why it's awesome that I've got the Celtics to root for when the Suns fail miserably!
Yet another column meets its' maker. It was a pleasure as always, folks. I've been on a roll lately with the collaborations so expect the trend to continue next time we meet. Besides, you know what they say... there's no "I" in team. Or SkittleZ for that matter! Er nevermind. In other news, we say farewell to MadchucK as his Main Page tenure has sadly come to an end. But that also means we'll be welcoming a new columnist in the coming weeks so keep an eye out for any unfamiliar faces. So tell me was this a moving experience? Or do you want me removed from your thoughts permanently? Outside input is perfectly acceptable around these parts. Just direct it here (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I'll answer your prayers in simply minutes. For now, I need to catch up on my beauty sleep. Catch me back here in two weeks or face the bitter consequences. If you're single, I recommend unfaithful rich women in moderation. Later homies.
