Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [37] - Candyland Enters The Twilight Zone
By SkittleZ
Feb 22, 2009 - 11:57:34 PM
[37] - Candyland Enters The Twilight Zone
Oh dear... The Candyman may be in love. Nah that's a bold faced lie actually. I say fuck love and all the good things that comes along with it. Remember what happened last time I fell in love? Exactly. We're just going to avoid the whole process this time around. Have I told you all about my Simona Lisa already? Eighteen year old Polish chick? Goes to school at Hofstra University on Long Island? Well if not, you're probably better off not knowing. She's awesome though and I'm happy for the first time in forever so I guess this means I won't have to kill anybody. My name is SkittleZ and this is a little dose of reality I like to call Taste My Rainbow. The column that seems much more appealing when under the influence. We're taking things in a different direction today as I've brought a few friends on board to assist me. You will welcome them with open arms unless you'd like to see me burn LOP to the ground with no remorse whatsoever and piss on its charred remains.
ANOTHER Orton/Triple H program makes me want to throw up the blueberry waffles I just digested. So let me get this straight. A slice of kayfabe is being broken (nothing we haven't known for years) and that's supposed to cover up the fact we're being subjected to this feud for like the sixteenth fucking time!? Oh my goodness! The Game really is the father of Stephanie's children!? Hunter is married into the McMahon family!? He calls Vince dad!? No! Say it isn't true! I feel cheated, robbed and every other word that describes being raped in the ass with a sharp hot object. What was wrong with HHH facing Edge at Mania? I despise the idea of Cena/Orton but I'd rather witness that instead of Orton jobbing to The Game once again. It's a decent twist but nothing worthy of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania! The ONLY way I will accept this program is if they book it as a Hell in a Cell match on April 5th in Houston. Besides that, don't waste my time.
Mickey Rourke should win an Oscar for the performance he's gonna give at WrestleMania 25! I really don't understand why people have such a hard time believing Rourke will physically compete at the big event. Its one thing if he were in the ring with a rookie or midcarder. But we're talking about a well respected and established veteran in Chris Jericho. And it isn't like Rourke is strolling around in a wheelchair or immobile without the use of a cane. If a sixty year old Ric Flair can be carried to a Match of the Year by Shawn Michaels, you better bet your ass a 52-year old actor/ex fist fighter can be carried to a decent bout by Chris Jericho. Plus unlike last year's storyline flop with Floyd Mayweather and TBS, Mickey would have the entire audience behind him and the fans naturally detest Y2J. It's destined for greatness! Jericho has been bumped momentarily from the main event but he's above the MITB ladder match. Randy "The Ram" will soar once again!
He may not last long but he keeps coming back for more! So what if he walked in with one World Title and left with another? That still takes raw talent! Or an opportunistic state of mind with the right resources. All I know is I nearly cried when my Edgykins was eliminated early on in the SmackDown chamber match at No Way Out. Surely he would make it to WM25 with the WWE Championship still around his waist!? Ha but just as the pain started to set in, Copeland mauled Kofi Kingston and took his spot in the RAW Elimination Chamber. And the surprises didn't stop there because the show concluded with the Rated R Superstar hoisting the World Heavyweight Title high in the air. I would make sweet love to that grotesque Vicky Guerrero if I could. She made all this possible. Now she's just gotta find a way to allow Copeland to exit Mania with his new title reign still intact.
Could Charlie and his cast of colorful characters be going bye bye? Just as I was finally beginning to give a hoot about Charlie Haas, WWE have him go missing from RAW! It's been nearly two months now and the thought of him being released during the companies' spring cleaning is becoming more likely as time progresses. For the first time since his days with Shelton Benjamin as the World's Greatest Tag Team, Charlie had found his niche in pro wrestling. And it was comedy! Who would've guessed!? I think deep down inside I'm most pissed about Charlie's disappearance because I had an entire column planned out just for him! The lengths I go to for undeserving bastards. If Haas is gone for good, he has our current economy to blame because his gimmick was gold and it serves as the only possible explanation!
In a sense, professional wrestling is sort of like an unparalleled universe to many. It's an escape and sometimes leads to some really strange fucking television. There are even aspects of the show that make even the most diehard fans scratch their heads or raise an eyebrow. Well it just so happens I've found three individuals who get my drift and have come forth with chilling tales of their own. On tap first is a midwestern American man who goes by the initials of T.O. Sounds innocent enough, right? Wrong...
Tazz: Goozled!
Jim Ross: CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! He goes for the cover! One! Two! Three – we have a new World Heavyweight Champion!!!
Justin Roberts: The winner of the match, and the NEEEEEEEW World Heavyweight Champion…The BIIIIG SHOOOOWWWWWW!!!
Jim Ross: Bah gawd, Tazz, Edge is irate! Big Show wasn’t even supposed to be in this match, and now walks out of WrestleMania 25 as the new World Champion. Incredible, what a WrestleMania moment! Still, I can’t help but wonder what happened to John Cena…
The scene turns to an ominous gray facade, where a solitary man stands in a trench coat, orating towards a television camera.
Man: To make someone’s wish come true usually is a tremendous feeling. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has, since 1980, helped the dreams of countless children stricken with life-threatening diseases, come to fruition. However, not all dreams are on the up-and-up.
Submitted for your approval – what happens when a well-intentioned WWE superstar answers the wrong prayer? Consider the fact that one man’s dream…is another man’s nightmare…
John Cena: Yo Vince, I got this one thing to do before I hop on the flight to Houston. Hey, I’ll hit you up when I land. Aight bro, peace.
Nigel Brown (co-founder of the Make-A-Wish Foundation): So, are we all set? Great! Listen, we really appreciate you answering this wish at the last second. I know you’re a really busy man, what with the title match one week away and all, but trust me, the young man you’re set to meet is itching to finally meet you face to face.
John Cena: Anything for a fan, bruh. Without the Chain Gang behind me, I’d be a nobody. So, who am I lucky enough to meet this time?
Brown opens his files. A perturbed look comes across his face, as he answers.
Nigel Brown According to the itinerary, your next wish is from someone named T.O. He’s recently been diagnosed with a lethal form of cancer of the mouth, and it is unknown as to how long he has left to live.
John Cena: T.O.? The football player?
Nigel Brown Negative. All the info I was given was that he prefers the name T.O., and lives in Minneapolis. I can call the offices and get some more on him…
John Cena: Nah, I trust y’all. I wouldn’t have answered over 100 of your wishes if I didn’t, now would I?
Nigel Brown Fair enough. Now, T.O. is reportedly a big hunting enthusiast….
John Cena: Minnesota…outdoorsman…makes sense.
Nigel Brown …and his biggest wish is to be able to go hunting with his “favorite” WWE superstar, which just happens to be you.
The scene fades into a shot of John Cena finally meeting T.O., who, oddly enough, is dressed head to toe in Randy Orton merchandise (like you didn’t see that coming a mile away). The two dress in hunting gear, with full camouflage and armed to the teeth.
T.O. OH MY GOODNESS! It’s you! It’s really you! I’ve wished for so long to meet you face to face, John – wishes DO come true!
T.O. quickly acknowledges his overreaction and tries to calm down, as Cena spots the shirt he’s wearing.
John Cena: Randy Orton?! Come on blood, we gotta get you into some better merch. I’ll call my people and get you hooked up with some shirts, maybe some wristbands, we gonna make you look nice!
T.O. What? Oh, this. Nah, I just didn’t want to get any blood…you know, from the animals…on my good Cena clothes. Any true member of the Chain Gang cherishes stuff like that – on lock and key.
John Cena: Oh, right, right – good looking out. I gotta tell you man, doing stuff like this – going out and having fun with my biggest fans – this is stuff that I’ll take with me to my grave!
T.O. smirks a little, as Cena continues.
John Cena: When I see the smiles that I help bring to peoples’ faces, man, that stuff is unforgettable.
T.O. Trust me, John, you’ll never forget this night…Come on, we gotta get a move on, I got plans to keep!
T.O. slows down his pace and checks around to see if anyone else is around before advancing into the woods, as the scene fades to black.
Meanwhile, at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas…
Vince McMahon: Hello? Yes? What do you mean he’s gone missing?! HE’S MY MAIN EVENT! YOU FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED!!!
Is your ego satisfied? Jesus Christ. Anyways, we turn our attention from horror to romance. Lets set our sights on an Arkansas resident who shares an unorthodox obsession for Canadian beauty (or was it bacon?). What to do when common sense is thrown out the window and lust overrides everything. My buddy Bloodline is set to give a first hand account of such happenings. I only hope your simple minds can grasp what you're about to read...
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.” Well let me tell you, this girl is definitely worth it. I mean, just look at her standing in the ring, flipping her hair back for her adoring public. Sadly though, she has no idea what she’s in for tonight. She better enjoy that attention while she has it, because later this evening, she’ll be in for a rude awakening. She has no clue that she’s already been targeted.
Though, from where I’m sitting, I’m talking out my ass. That’s right. I’m sitting in the third row, behind a guardrail, watching her do her thing in the ring. Not the most favorable position to be espousing about any time that she and I will have together. Nothing but dreams in my head. And I doubt very seriously my plan will come to fruition later. Even the secret I have up my sleeve sounds futile. None the less, I’m still gonna try my damnedest to get her attention. Meanwhile, just a few more hours of this show and then the real game starts.
Now that the show is over, it’s time to see what I can do. A buddy of mine told me that she was going to be at The Rocks, right down the road from the arena, and so that’s exactly where I’m going.
Joey the Bartender: Hey, Mikey B! You made it man! I told you, the WWE Superstars are gonna be here tonight man.
Bloodline: Thanks Joey. Yeah man, I heard they were gonna be here, so I had to show up.
Joey: I hope to God this idea of yours works. I even had a table reserved for you back there, just to see if you can really pull this damn thing off. Not to be a pessimistic bro, but you got a better shot at breaking in Fort Knox.
BL: Sadly, you may be right. Just give me a shot of that liquid courage man!
Joey: Three shots of tequila it is.
BL: Thanks Joe. I’ll be in the booth man. Just watch and learn.
Joey: Will do man.
Joey is one crazy guy. Then again, I’m the same guy trying to convince people I have a shot with this amazing girl tonight. Sounds like I far crazier. Haha. Oh my God, there she is! It didn’t take her long and she strutted into the bar and suddenly, all eyes were on her. And why shouldn’t they be? With a body that would have made Aphrodite shit herself, of course she’d be the center of attention. And judging by the look on her face right now, she’s loving ever minute of it. Look at her go, right to the top of the bar with a bottle turned upside down. Hasn’t even been here two minutes and she’s already dancing like those bitches in the movie Coyote Ugly. If she only knew just what the fuck she was in for tonight. I’m gonna make the happen. I just need the right shot to jump in and make my move. There she goes, heading towards the bathroom. Time to move in. Oh,what is this? She dropped her purse. This couldn’t be any more unfair for her.
BL: Excusez-moi la Mlle, vous semblez avoir laissé tomber votre porte-monnaie. Puis-je le recevoir pour vous?
Maryse: Oui.
BL: Vous devriez être des promenades à pied prudentes à la salle de bains après le fait de boire comme ça.
Maryse: Yes, I should. Do you actually speak French or are you just trying to impress me?
BL: A little bit of both actually. I know French, Spanish, and English, of course, but yes, I was trying to impress you somewhat. Didn’t figure you’d expect to hear French anywhere in Arkansas.
Maryse: This is quite the place here. I really like the scenery.
BL: How about after your trip to the bathroom, I’ll tell you all about it?
Maryse: That sounds like fun. You see that table over there? That’s where I’m going to be. Meet me there.
BL: Sure thing.
And with that, she went into the bathroom. I made my way to the table she had reserved for her. Wouldn’t you know, she’d be seated next to Anthony and Elizabeth, in full character none the less. Anthony looking away and Beth just slapping the tar out of him because he’s not focused on her. Those two are something on camera and off camera. Here she comes, straightening her dress as she walks out the bathroom, already drunk off her ass.
Maryse: So, I’m sure you know me, but just who are you?
BL: My name is Mike.
Maryse: And what do you do Mike?
BL: Eh, for the time being, I’m a construction worker with my Dad’s company. We do all kinds of stuff. Just really a job for the moment while I get some money saved up to move on to something else.
Maryse: Oh, that sounds good. Just living for the moment then?
BL: Seeing as how I’m sitting next to you, of course.
Maryse: I haven’t known you long at all and I already seem comfortable around you. Very awkward.
BL: Can’t be the alcohol talking can it?
Maryse: No, of course not. Despite what you see on TV, I’m not the type that needs to get drunk to party. For me, life is a non-stop party, haha.
BL: You know, for a first date, this isn’t what I really imagined.
Maryse: Oh really?
BL: Yeah, I’m sort of a romantic type. I was thinking something like a walk on the beach or a picnic, or something along those lines.
Maryse: Aww, that’s so sweet. Surely that can’t be the extent of it though?
BL: Well yeah, there’s more to it, but I was leaving that to your imagination.
Maryse: Haha.
BL: Anthony here is a trip ain’t he?
Maryse: It’s like that with those two every night. It doesn’t matter what city or what country we are in, those two have that routine down to a T.
BL: While you were in the bathroom, she smacked him so hard I thought his unibrow was about to go flying off.
Maryse: Wouldn’t surprise me, she’s a beast.
BL: That’s what I said, haha.
And it went on like that for hours. I mean hours. Before long it was closing time.
Joey: Ok you two, it’s 2 AM, I’ve got to close the place down. You’ll have to go somewhere else.
BL: Ok Joey, we’ll be out of here.
Maryse: Oh my! It’s 2 AM already? I have to be in Tulsa, I believe, for tomorrow night’s show.
BL: Don’t worry, Tulsa is only five hours from here. If the show doesn’t start till 6, you won’t have to leave till noon. Why don’t I walk you back to your hotel room?
Maryse: Sure I’d like that a lot.
The two of us left The Rocks and headed to her hotel room about two blocks away. We reached a cross-walk, and I grabbed her hand with mine and pulled her through the on-coming traffic. We soon reached her hotel room.
BL: Here we are.
Maryse: Just wait a second, I’ll find my key, and you can come in.
BL: Oh, ok.
Maryse: Don’t worry about the light, we won’t need it.
BL: Yes ma’am.
Suddenly, the TV flicked on. Wouldn’t you know, it was a match of Maryse vs Michelle McCool, the very same match Maryse won the Diva’s Title. She had gotten very quiet and I found myself focused on the match.
Maryse: So stud, how do you want it?
BL: Um…what?
Maryse: I said, how do you want it?
BL: Um…gently?
Maryse: Well that’s too bad.
BL: Why is that?
Maryse: Cause that’s no fun.
That’s all I would remember. As soon as that last syllable came from her lips, I was unconscious and had no idea what happened.
Guadalupe: Check out time!
At the squawking of the clean up lady I awoke to find myself not being able to see. I tried to move him hand but it was restrained. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is that I felt really cold.
Hotel Manager: Guadalupe, what seems to be the problem here?
Guadalupe: It’s check out time and the people inside won’t open the door.
Hotel Manager: Hello, please open the door now!
BL: Somebody get me the fuck out of here!
Hotel Manager: You hear that Lupe? Open this damn door, now!
I could hear the lock break and the two run in.
BL: Somebody get me the fuck out of this.
Hotel Manager: Just what the fuck is going on here?
BL: I don’t know, I just want to get out of here!
Hotel Manager: Lupe, you get that side, let’s get this man out of here. Sir, what exactly happened here?
BL: All I know is that I brought Maryse back here and then I blacked out. The rest is fuzzy.
Hotel Manager: Maryse? There was no Maryse here.
BL: There damn sure was!
Hotel Manager: No, this room was rented to a Rosa Mendez.
BL: Must be the fake name she gave in order to keep the people away from her.
Hotel Manager: Maybe so, but that doesn’t explain why you were tied up and naked, does it? What kind of sicko are you?
BL: Look, I told you, I have no idea what the fuck happened. We came back here and I blacked out. That’s all I know.
Hotel Manager: Judging by your skin tone gringo, we need to find you some clothes.
BL: Well I’m assuming I was used as her personal humping post last night, which, if that’s the case, tell me if you had a hot woman like that grinding your gears for God knows how long, that your shaft would be irritated, sore, and throbbing right now?
Hotel Manager: True. But where is your clothes?
Guadalupe: What were you wearing last night?
BL: I had some baggy blue jeans and a white and gray stripped polo shirt.
Guadalupe: I saw a pretty blonde walk out of here this morning at about 6AM wearing those same clothes.
BL: The bitch took my clothes? Oh, fuck no she better not have taken my Etnies too!
Hotel Manager: I’m afraid she did amigo.
BL: Fuck me!
Hotel Manager: Here, take my jacket.
BL: You mind if I take my sheet here and use it as a toga?
Hotel Manager: I’ve decided I was gonna burn it anyway.
BL: Good deal. Oh wait, what is this?
Guadalupe: What did you find?
BL: A pair of her panties.
Hotel Manager: I realize you are naked, but don’t tell me you are one of those cross dressers! Your story is sticking together.
BL: Fuck no, I’m not a cross dresser! It’s a souvenir.
Hotel Manager: A souvenir? Just how fucked in the head are you?
BL: Fucked in the head? Nah, I’m in love!
(sigh) If it only ended there. But it doesn't! We transition from passion to... racism? Unhappiness in the workplace? Fuck if I know. I'm only here to provide the stories. It is now time to give the floor to a father and husband nestled away in Virginia. This oddball is known as Dr. Monkey and often wanders between reality and fantasy with no worry of consequences. Is he too much of a dreamer or just plain foolish? Decide for yourselves. But not before a frightening trip into the outer edges of his mind...
It was a stormy night and the Raw/ECW taping had just concluded. Now under normal circumstances Mr. CM Punk would have been long gone from the arena following the show. This night was different though, Punk found solace in the locker room following the show listening to his iPod and lost complete track of time. In fact, the straight edge superstar would fall into a deep slumber that would take him deep into the night.
Bob the Janitor: Excuse me Mr. I believe your show is over. I'm supposed to make sure the building is clear so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
CM Punk: What the hell? I must have dozed off, what time is it?
Bob the Janitor: It's about 12:20 sir.
CM Punk: Shit, I was supposed to be catching a ride with Kofi. Alright, let me get my stuff and I'll be out of your hair.
Punk rose from the bench he was sleeping on, gathered his bags and exited the arena. Upon getting outside to the parking lot, Punk realizes that there's not a single worker left at the arena. He's all alone with no way of getting to the next show.
CM Punk: Are you kidding me? Fuck! Why didn't anybody wake me up? How the hell am I supposed to get to the next show? Man, I am so screwed.
Just as Punk started to become desperate, out of the cold, dark night came a savior. A savior in the form of Mark Henry.
Mark Henry: Punk, what the hell are you still doing here?
CM Punk: I fell asleep and missed my ride with Kofi, now I'm stuck here at the arena with no ride.
Mark Henry: Hell man, you can hitch a ride with us. We got room.
CM Punk: Us?
Mark Henry: Yeah, me and Tony. I'm about to go pick him up from the hotel.
CM Punk: Sure why not.
Mark Henry: Great. Hop in the car and let's go.
CM Punk hops in the car with Mark Henry and proceeds to the hotel to pick up Tony Atlas. As they arrive, Atlas comes around to the passenger seat to get in the vehicle.
Tony Atlas: Sup M-Dawg, where the fucking bitches at?
Mark Henry: Ain't shit T.A., ain't no bitches tonight, nothing around here but mutha fucking hood rats.
Tony Atlas: (looks at CM Punk in the backseat) Who the hell is the cracker in the back?
CM Punk: Oh, we've met bef...(Punk gets cut off)
Tony Atlas: M-Dawg is this cat for real?
Mark Henry: I don't even know T.A.
Tony Atlas: (looks back at CM Punk once again) Look here Honky Tonk, you speak out of turn like that again and I'm gonna introduce you to the business side of my boot. Now boy, who the hell are you. (points at CM Punk) This is where you chime in Princess Peach.
CM Punk: Oh, thank you massa. I'll be sure to mind my manners next time massa. Like I was trying to say before you decided to make an ass out of yourself. We've met before back when you came to OVW and didn't have a clue who I was. So let me introduce myself again, I'm CM Punk.
Tony Atlas: Massa? Massa? You one racist motherfucker wonder bread. You damn lucky you are a guest of my boy M-Dawg, cuz if it won't for me respecting his opinion I would have taken you around the back of this car and whipped some respect in you.
CM Punk: Oh is that right. Well how about you come back here and try.
Tony Atlas: Oh believe me, I don't have to try nothing. You keep talking like that boy, and you are gonna leave here with more than just hurt feelings.
Mark Henry: Guys, guys come on now. Let's just chill out and enjoy the ride, then we'll go our separate ways. Now we ain't got but a six hour trip ahead of us so I think we should be able to manage.
CM Punk: Sorry Mark, I'm a guest and I shouldn't be disrespectful to your passengers. Even if they do deserve it.
Tony Atlas: You hear that M-Dawg, Sally Field is sorry. You want to know why Sally Field is sorry because Sally Field knows she's wrong.
CM Punk: You know what, how about I do us both a favor and be the bigger man and just shut up?
Tony Atlas: Bigger man? You couldn't be the bigger man if you were standing next to Gary Coleman.
Hour 2...
Tony Atlas: Hey M-Dawg.
Mark Henry: Sup T.A.
Tony Atlas: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
Mark Henry: I don't even know.
Tony Atlas: The NBA.
Mark Henry: T.A. you're crazy.
Hour 3...
Tony Atlas: Yo Hen-House.
Mark Henry: What it be Atlas?
Tony Atlas: You think you can pull over and let me get the cooler out the trunk?
Mark Henry: No doubt.
Atlas gets out the car and opens the trunk. He gets back in the car with a cooler filled to the brim with various forms of alcoholic drinks.
Tony Atlas: Alright, a double deuce for the big man.
Mark Henry: Good looking out.
Tony Atlas: Some fire water for old school, and a Tilt for Barry White.(Hands Punk a Tilt)
CM Punk: Thanks but no thanks, I don't drink.
Tony Atlas: You don't drink? What are you some kind of fruitcake or something?
CM Punk: Nah, I'm straight edge.
Tony Atlas: Straight edge huh, I'm gonna call bullshit on that one. You can't even tell me you ain't had dick up in them guts.
Hour 4...
Tony Atlas: So Punk, I remember a little while ago you said you fucked dudes. What's that like?
CM Punk: Um, I'm just not even going to answer that.
Tony Atlas: It's cool, if my ass was a hollow love cave I wouldn't want to talk about it either.
CM Punk: You and me both captain.
Tony Atlas: Exactly.
Hour 5...
Tony Atlas: CM? What's that even stand for?
CM Punk: I'm not gonna get in this right now.
Tony Atlas: Oh I got you, don't want to put your business out there Cock Master. Yeah, Cock Master Punk, that sounds about right.
Mark Henry: T.A. you ain't got to be so hard on the kid.
Tony Atlas: Hard on the kid? Believe me, Mr. Atlas ain't being hard at all. When it comes to me and Cock Master over here I'm as soft as they come.
CM Punk: You know what, fuck this I'd rather walk the rest of the way then have to spend one more minute with this dipshit. Pull over Mark.
Mark Henry: Come on man, we are almost there.
Tony Atlas: You heard the boy, stop the damn car. Betsy Wetsy needs a fresh diaper.
CM Punk: Mark, stop the car now or I'm gonna beat the holy shit out of this old fuck.
Tony Atlas: Old man, I'll show you an old man.
Punk gets out of the car in the middle of nowhere and Mark Henry drives off into the distance.
Mark Henry: Man, why'd you have to be like that. CM Punk ain't do shit to you.
Tony Atlas: CM Punk? Who the fuck is that?
Mark Henry: Damn man, you really are an old stupid fuck.
Punk walks down the highway hoping a car would come his way. Just as he was about to give up hope, a pair of headlights approached. Flagging them down, Punk was able to get the car to stop.
CM Punk: Damn, Mister thanks for stopping you wouldn't believe the night I've had.
Dan Akroyd: Try me kid.
CM Punk: Holy shit, you're Dan Akroyd!
Dan Akroyd: In the flesh.
CM Punk: This night just keeps getting crazier and crazier. So I missed my ride and had to hitch a ride with this asshole for five hours, until finally I couldn't take it anymore and had to get out of the car. I was scared that I wouldn't make it to the next show but then you came along.
Dan Akroyd: Scared you wouldn't make it to the next show? You think that's scary.
CM Punk: Ok, so maybe scared was the wrong emotion, but nonetheless it sucked.
Dan Akroyd: Scary, you really have no idea. Do you want to see something really scary?....
The answer to TMR [36] was indeed "Hurricane Helms". As much as I'd like to parade my 25% Correct Guess Ratio around the internet with glee, I know deep down inside it has more to do with minimal feedback than natural stumping ability. It may have had something to do with my participation in the CSI tournament although I sincerely doubt it. Nonetheless, it is time to play the guessing game once again. Break a leg... or something.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Shit... I love pretty much everything about me.
Wrestling's in my blood yet people still doubt me.
I've done little but been given the world on a platter.
Those who preceded me were far sadder or fatter.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
Hmmmm... a quick glance at the Main Page tells me a pair of congratulations are in order! (alright so I've know for weeks now) Please give a round of applause for our two newest columnists, JoeyShinobi and Dr. Monkey! I have come to know both of them very well over the last few months (on a sexual level even) and they are just what the Main Page needs right now. Joseph began writing in the forums last May and took home CotM honors in December. Monkey Man on the other hand has been around LOP for ages. He returned a short time ago and was tearing the Columns Forums to shreds. I figured maybe a promotion should wait a little but when he racked up his third CotM last month, the big fish in a small pond scenario was simply too obvious to ignore. Let us tip our imaginary glasses of wine to these two awesome writers and pray like hell that they have lasting power so SkitZ comes out looking like a genius!
Did I mention the Phoenix Suns are dead to me? Because they are! I could give a flying fuck whether they score 140 points in three straight games either because it doesn't prove anything. The Suns were playing shitty teams and their defense still has more leaks than a diseased prostitute. I am convinced however that I'm cursed as a sports fan. Right when I jump on the Celtics bandwagon for good, Kevin Garnett gets injured in Boston's first game following the All Star break. Coincidence maybe? Hell no! Historically over the past two years, the Celtics play rather well in KG's absence and that was evident last night when they marched into Phoenix and beat Steve Nash & Co. from pillar to post. I don't see Boston falling too far off without Garnett since he's only out for 2 or 3 weeks but they've constantly gotta be on the lookout for Cleveland and Orlando. Oh and one more thing... FUCK THE LAKERS! If Kobe Bryant is celebrating come late June, I'll bomb the STAPLES center.
Time to unplug that hole so the goodies drain out....
LOP's fluffiest fellow doesn't only moderate the forums. He writes columns too! But this time, Sheepster is taking a vastly different approach to his craft. - The Sunday Fleece :: 1
If I were Sean Taylor, this is the part where I'd shout "school's out bitches!" A big thank you is in order for Dr. Monkey, Bloodline and T.O. for their huge contributions in the making of this beauty. With this lengthy stretch between now and WM25 along with my elimination from the CSI tournament, I'm hoping to get back on track with my regular columns. Cranking them out every two weeks works best for me and I don't wanna fall into the seductive realm of laziness which so many others have before me. Therefore, I shall be marking my territory again in exactly two weeks time so clear your schedules for Sunday, March 8th. You will be spending said day in my company. Now if you'd be so kind, its time to live up to your end of the bargain and lend me your rears! Er... I mean feedback. How you ask? Easy. Send any thoughts or opinions here (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I will get back to you when I give a shit. Until next time, be good to the private parts and try not to expose yourselves in public. Later homies!
