Posted in: Hustle Is Posting Right Now Hustle Is Posting Right Now: Volume 45 ("The Turn" Edition)
By Hustle
May 12, 2009 - 10:25:23 PM
Oh, oh, it's Magic..
"Right now, I'm puttin swag in my style.. it's an emphasis on the simplest sentences, then I give 'em charisma with a laugh and a smile.."
People keep talking about the intro lines, and this week's is brought to you by Crooked I. It's just how I do things, folks.. I try to keep it simple, but throw in a little swag to give it that personalized touch. Welcome back, party people to the left and the right, to yet another edition of the column that is best read while wearing a Chopper Suit (shout out to WorldStarHipHop).. Hustle Is Posting Right Now. I am the man.. who will fight.. for your honor.. I'm Peter Cetera. Wait.. I mean.. I'm Hustle. My bout with the Swine Flu appears to be over, and now it's back to eating pork products for me. You may have noticed that it's Tuesday, and really, if you didn't notice that, there might be something wrong with the old noggin. After some heavy thinking (and even heavier drinking), I've decided on switching to Tuesdays for my posting date. It makes things a lot easier on me in multiple ways to post columns on this day instead of Fridays. So, from here on out until further notice, keep your peepers peepin every Tuesday for the latest (but not necessarily the greatest) installment of HIPRN. I'm going in a different direction this week than I said I was going in at the end of last week's column. Upon further review, I had a small amount of "Last Meal" comments/jokes that came across as being too similar to things I already said last week, so I had to scrap the idea. Trust me, it may have been for the better, as a lot of the material I had wasn't exactly what you'd call "top-notch". Something new came to me, featuring a topic that I'm sure is going to stir up quite the reaction from "Teh HaturZzZ". Enough talking about it, let's be about it. I think it's about that time. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!
Monday, March 29, 2010
US Airways Center
Phoenix, Arizona
WrestleMania 26 ended slightly less than 24 hours ago, but the events that took place are still reverberating through the wrestling world. CM Punk cashed in his Money In The Bank shot to become the brand new World Heavyweight Champion, defeating Edge. Royal Rumble winner Shawn Michaels became the new WWE Champion by defeating Triple H. Evan Bourne retained his ECW Title in a match against Vladimir Kozlov. However, the one thing that still has people buzzing is what took place at the end of the match between The Undertaker and John Cena. During the match, the newly returned Vince McMahon came to ringside, and just like he did nine years prior during the match between Steve Austin and The Rock, became physically involved, first by breaking up an Undertaker pin attempt, then by throwing a steel chair into the ring. What followed will go down in history as one of the most shocking moments that pro wrestling has ever seen. Cena grabbed the chair and chased McMahon around the ring, eventually causing Vince to run into the ring, where he "accidentally" hit the referee, knocking the man in stripes out cold. As Vince rolled back to the outside, Cena stopped short of catching up with him, then turned around and blasted The Undertaker across the face with a vicious chair shot. Taker sat up during Cena's initial celebration, only to receive another chair shot to the face. Vince rolled back into the ring and helped Taker up, only to hold him in place for a third solid chair shot. Cena would then place the chair down on the mat, help Taker up, and hit him with the Attitude Adjuster directly on top of the chair. By this point, Vince had brought the referee back to, just in time for him to count the pinfall, and just like that, The Undertaker had suffered his very first WrestleMania loss.
Michael Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time.. the man who made history last night at WrestleMania by defeating The Undertaker, ending his perfect WrestleMania record.. John Cena!
*The arena explodes with a chorus of boos and heel heat as the familiar beginning of "The Time Is Now" is heard. Cena steps out onto the stage, but with a cocky smirk instead of his usual look. He soaks in the crowd response for a few seconds before he walks to the ring. He goes through his usual in-ring poses, and they're met with an even louder heel reaction from the Phoenix crowd. Cole has to wait nearly 30 seconds before he can speak, all because the crowd reaction is so loud and so constant.*
Cole: John, the entire world wants to know why you did what you did last night. The WWE Universe has been buzzing for the last 24 hours, with people saying that you "sold your soul" to end The Undertaker's streak.
John Cena: I sold my soul? Really?
Cole: That seems to be the overwhelming feeling, yes.
Cena: I really don't know what you people want from me. I've spent a sizable portion of my life trying to figure it out, but I just can't come up with an answer that makes any sense to me. I've done absolutely everything within my power to make you people happy, week in and week out, every single time I stepped out from behind those curtains, and what did it get me? Nothing! It got me nothing at all!
*Another loud round of boos.*
Cole: What do you mean by "nothing"? You're a multiple time World Champion, have starred in two huge Hollywood movies, and you've been the "face" of the entire company for a few years running.
Cena: I really shouldn't be surprised that you don't understand what I'm talking about. You've never been the brightest bulb, have you, Cole? Journey back a few years with me, folks. The date was June 6th, 2005. The place was St Louis, Missouri. Then-Raw General Manager, Eric Bischoff, chose me with the #1 pick in the WWE Draft, and I made my debut as a member of the Raw roster.
*The clip of Cena's Raw debut on Chris Jericho's "Highlight Reel" segment plays on the TitanTron.*
Cena: You hear that crowd response? They loved me. It could be argued that I was the most popular performer in the entire company at that point. Hell, no argument was needed. I was the most popular performer on the roster. I went out there for these people, and I busted my ass every night. I bled and I sweat for these people. I took pictures with them, I signed autographs for them.. I did everything I could to put smiles on their faces, and what did they do, Cole?
Cole: They..
Cena: *interrupting* Shut up! It was a rhetorical question! What did they do? They started to turn on me. I started to notice the crowd reactions becoming more and more mixed as the weeks went on.
*Various clips of live crowds booing Cena's name and/or appearances are played on the TitanTron, culminating in a montage of clips from his WrestleMania 22 match against Triple H.*
Cena: That match with Triple H was pretty memorable, I must say. It was when everybody really began to notice just how different my crowd reactions were becoming. I paid attention to all of it, from the way live crowds reacted to what was said about me on the internet. I paid attention, but I kept doing what I do best, and that's perform in this very ring. I was fine, up until the days leading up to the One Night Stand pay-per-view in 2006.
*A montage of clips from the Cena VS Rob Van Dam match from the 2006 One Night Stand pay-per-view play on the TitanTron.*
Cena: Nobody should have to be subjected to what I had to go through in New York that night. These little clowns that waddled their way into the Hammerstein Ballroom that night and barely were able to squeeze their fat asses into their seats.. they.. I'll admit it, Cole, they got under my skin a bit that night. Who the hell do these people think they are? What gives them the right to criticize me the way they do? None of them can step between these ropes and do what I do, and yet they seem to have this "holier than thou" attitude about things, and it makes me sick.
Cole: The members of the WWE Universe pay their hard-earned money to come watch WWE events, John, and they have the right to respond in the way they see fit, whether it's cheering the WWE superstars or booing them.
Cena: Look, I get that. I'm the one that has said that myself on multiple occasions, remember? They do spend their hard-earned money to attend events and to order pay-per-views. They do have the right to cheer who they want to cheer, and boo who they want to boo. However, there are limits and boundaries that should not be crossed. A few years back, people thought it would be funny to constantly hack into my MySpace page and post negative things about me. When I've gotten injured, people have cheered and wished more harm towards me upon my return. As I mentioned before, I've been paying attention to what has been said about me on the internet. The message boards, the columns, the "rumor" sites.. all of it. Losers who wanted to feel somewhat important for the first times in their lives got their grubby little fingers on a keyboard and mashed away.
Cole: Alright, I can see why you could be somewhat upset with the WWE Universe. However, where does The Undertaker fit into all of this?
Cena: Cole, you, of all people, should know the answer to that. When WrestleMania rolls around, who is the one person that everyone talks about? It's The Undertaker. It doesn't matter who the WWE Champion is at the time. It doesn't matter who the World Heavyweight Champion is at the time. It doesn't matter who won the Royal Rumble that year. It doesn't matter who's involved in Money In The Bank that year. None of that matters, unless The Undertaker is involved. All these people can talk about is "The Streak", and people like you, Cole, are only helping to fuel the fire by talking about it non-stop on commentary.
Cole: I'm only trying to do my job, John.
Cena: So am I, and my job became extremely difficult due to people like The Undertaker. Hard work isn't rewarded anymore, but half-assing it like he does gets praise heaped upon you. While I was out, bending over backwards for the fans, where was "The Deadman"? He was at home, taking another "break" from wrestling. While I was counted on to make media appearance after media appearance, where was "The Deadman"? He was nursing another "injury". He's all about striking fear in the hearts of his opponents, but the guy can't even have a drink of water without hurting himself. Hell, the guy couldn't even be bothered to appear at the Hall Of Fame ceremony every year! I hate dressing up in suits, but I still do it every year, in honor of those being inducted. Why is The Undertaker so special that he doesn't have to go? Is he not an employee of this company? He feels like he's better than everyone else, and that simply isn't true.
Cole: What did you think you'd accomplish by doing all of this?
Cena: I wanted to do something that would put my name in the record books, and eliminate the names of the rest of the so-called "legends" of this business. If you think of every single person that has ever laced up a pair of boots and stepped into a wrestling ring, there have been some really good ones, but nobody.. nobody.. has stepped into the ring with The Undertaker at WrestleMania and defeated him. Nobody! Not Ric Flair, not Triple H, not Steve Austin, not The Rock.. "John Cena" is the only name to get in the winner's column against that man at "The Granddaddy Of Them All". That's merely the icing on the cake for me. It solidifies my spot as the single greatest wrestler that has ever lived, and there's no real argument that can be made against that. When you look at the titles I've won, the merchandise I've helped to sell, the shows that I've headlined, the names that I've beat.. add it all up, and then throw in the fact that I ended the career of The Undertaker, you've got yourself one spectacular list of accomplishments.
*The lights in the arena go out, and the crowd pops. After a few seconds, the ever-familiar "gong" to signal the arrival of The Undertaker is heard, and the roof nearly blows off the arena. Taker's music hits, but he doesn't come out. The lights come back on, and Cena is seen standing in the corner of the ring, eating some M&M's. He walks back to the center of the ring as Cole looks on, puzzled.*
Cena: *on the verge of laughter* God, that was even more fun than I thought it would be! Do you see how easy it is to toy with these idiots, Cole? Folks, The Undertaker is no more. I've ended his legacy, and I've taken from him the one thing that was keeping him going after all these years. He can't have it back, and he knows that, so he's finished. He doesn't give a damn about any of you or what you want him to do.
*Another huge round of boos.*
Cole: *looking annoyed* What did Mr McMahon have to do with all of this? It was only a few weeks ago that he made his return, and he hasn't mentioned a single word about The Undertaker. How long has this plan been in motion?
Cena: Vince McMahon is a genius businessman and wrestling promoter. Everybody knows that. He knows that, in order to move ahead with the future, you need to completely let go of the past. The Undertaker is that past that needed to be let go. I was in the eighth grade when he made his WWE debut, Cole! There was no place for him in the future of this company. There was no place for him alongside people such as myself. I haven't even turned 33 yet, you know. I've got a dozen years left in me before I retire, easily. Vince McMahon knows this. He knows the money that I bring in for the company. He knows the money I bring in for him, personally.
Cole: Did you come up with the idea for this, or did he?
Cena: The night of his return, I approached him backstage and said that I had a proposition for him, and being the businessman that he is, he felt the need to hear me out. As I was telling him about it, I could see it in his eyes that this was something he had wanted for a long time. You don't need to be the smartest guy around to have seen the history between Vince and Taker. They've had numerous run-ins with each other in the past. Vince has never liked the guy, and he absolutely could not wait to get rid of him.
*An "Un-Der-Ta-Ker!" chant breaks out from the crowd.*
Cena: You can chant for him all you want, folks. You can clap your hands, stomp your feet, and do the Hokey Pokey until you pass out. None of it matters, because The Undertaker is finished. To paraphrase a certain wrestling legend.. you can't see him! I now have my sights set on the brand new WWE Champion, Shawn Michaels, but for now, it's time to party, so if you'll excuse me.. hit.. my.. music!
*"The Time Is Now" hits and the fans erupt with boos yet again. Cena faces every side of the arena and mockingly salutes each section of the audience before leaving the ring, all while Michael Cole stands there with a look of disappointment on his face.*
Disclaimer: Some of the predictions I made in this column are not really what I think will happen, but I just needed something to add for the "realism" of the column. For example, my "results" for the rest of WrestleMania, with Shawn Michaels beating Triple H, CM Punk waiting that long to cash in his Money In The Bank shot, etc. I just wanted to get that out there before people started complaining about any of it.
Hustle Highlight Of The Week: Evan Bourne VS Tyson Kidd from last week's episode of ECW gets the nod for the HHotW here. There's just a bit of magic in the air when those two face off against each other. Their styles mesh really well, and their size/speed similarities just add to the awesomeness. At this stage, I wouldn't mind seeing them face each other every single week, and I know a lot of you wouldn't mind that, either.
Honorable mentions this week go to the beating that Awesome Kong gave Velvet Sky on Impact, Festus singing show tunes on Raw, the news that a "Rise & Fall Of WCW" DVD is on the way, the idea of a MVP VS William Regal feud, a new and possibly improved Charlie Haas (although the Smackdown crowd still didn't give a rat's ass about him), Jeff Hardy VS Chris Jericho from Smackdown, Rosa Mendez' pants on Raw, the homeboy Oni getting "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson to take a picture with a hilarious sign that was birthed from a sig idea I had over at the LoP Forums..
Writer's Note: Manny, Manny, Manny.. my favorite baseball player, Manny Ramirez (the Cleveland Indians teams of the 90s that featured Manny Ramirez, Albert Belle, Kenny Lofton, Jim Thome, Carlos Baerga, Omar Vizquel, etc are who really got me into watching and following baseball), has violated Major League Baseball's drug policy, and has now been suspended for 50 games. In this day and age, it's never that big of a surprise when an athlete tests positive for any sort of performance-enhancing drug, but from time to time, it's just really disappointing to learn that info. This is one of those times. It just lets me further know the state of sports (especially baseball) today. I'm not one of those people that say every player is on something, but I fully suspect that the percentage is well over 50% at this point. It's just sad to see what the world of sports has become.
Writer's Note Part Deux: You know, Game 4 of the Los Angeles Lakers/Houston Rockets series will go down as one of the most pathetic displays of defense I've seen in all my years of watching sports. I lost track of the number of wide open shots the Rockets had once the total reached 20, and that was just in the first half. As a Lakers fan, it sickened me to see the team go out against a team that should've been ridiculously overmatched, and perform as if they were a bunch of guys getting together for a pickup game at the Y after work. At the exact moment of me typing this, Game 5 is about to start, so we'll have to see if things have improved for them. I'd hope so. I'm fully expecting Kobe Bryant to take control of this game from the beginning. I'm absolutely positive that he's been a bitch to be around since Game 4 ended, and he'll be on a mission to right the wrongs from that game. Go Lakers.
Writer's Note Part Ekolu: Color me surprised, but I enjoyed the new Eminem album a lot more than I expected I would. I'm not saying it's a five-star, XXL, A+ classic or anything, but it's a solid listen just about from beginning to end. "Beautiful" is clearly the standout track, in my opinion, and I'd be downright shocked if that didn't end up as a single. It's a bit dated, but his rap as "Christopher Reeve" on "Medicine Ball" is pretty funny. I've mentioned "3am" before, but it's just a badass track with an even badassier video that could never be shown on MTV or BET because of how violent it is. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I feel it's worth a purchase when the album is released next Tuesday. Of course, you could just "acquire" it like I did, but where's the fun in that? You want to support Eminem, don't you? You don't want him to end up living back in the trailer park because you didn't give him your $10, do you? I didn't think so.
Writer's Note Part Quattro: No Judgment Day predictions, but I will say this much.. If Batista beats Randy Orton to win the WWE Title, they might as well just make Orton go after the US Title afterwards, because his level of credibility will take a huge hit.. I hope Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho are given 15-20 minutes to perform.. I'm going to be pretty surprised if CM Punk doesn't cash in his Money In The Bank title shot before the night is over, but that doesn't mean I think he'll win if he does.. I'm guessing that Christian retains his title, which will lead Jack Swagger to "help" Tommy Dreamer beat Christian for the belt somewhere down the line, as Swagger will want another shot at the belt and will not be given one by Christian.. CM Punk VS Umaga is going to be quite the hard-hitting match.. I'm thinking people will underestimate this card like they did with Backlash, and once again, the show will deliver.
What Hustle Is Listening To Right Now: "You're The Only One" by Eric Benet.. "Ralph Wiggum" by The Bloodhound Gang.. "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground.. "Tryin To Be A Gangsta" by Mike Epps.. "It's Tricky" by Run-DMC.. "Midwest Choppers" by Tech N9ne, Krayzie Bone, & K-Dean.. "Gimme Back My Bullets" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.. "Come On" by E-40 & B-Legit.. "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J.. "Hit Em High" by LL Cool J, Method Man, Busta Rhymes, & B-Real.. "Swagger Jackers" by Chepo.. "Pistol Pistol" by D12.. "Pimp Like Me" by D12.. "Rumors" by Timex Social Club.. "Who In Da Club (remix)" by Sean Kingston, DMX, & Clyde Carson.. "How The Hell" by Ludacris, Project Pat, & I-20.. "The Final Countdown" by Europe.. "The Best" by Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye West, & T.I. .. "Respect My Conglomerate" by Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne, & Jadakiss.. "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson, Kanye West, & Ne-Yo.. "Careless Whisper" by Seether.. "Careless Whisper" by Tamia.. "Just A Friend" by Biz Markie.. "Mo Money Mo Problems" by Notorious B.I.G., Mase, & Puff Daddy.. "Cookies N Apple Juice" by Cam'ron.. "Get It In Ohio" by Cam'ron.. "My Job" by Cam'ron.. "Homicide" by Cam'ron.. "Never Ever" by Cam'ron.. "Spend The Night" by Cam'ron.. "Bottom Of The Pussy" by Cam'ron.. "Cookin Up" by Cam'ron.. "Chalupa" by Cam'ron.. "Who" by Cam'ron (as you can tell, I'm really feeling Cam's new album, "Crime Pays").. "Ready Or Not" by The Fugees.. "Fu-Gee-La" by The Fugees.. "Killing Me Softly" by The Fugees.. "Nappy Heads (Remix)" by The Fugees.. "It's Goin Down" by Celly Cel.. "What's Up, What's Up" by A-Town Players.. "Let It Burn" by Playa Poncho.. "Decision" by Busta Rhymes, Common, John Legend, & Mary J Blige.. "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" by Weezer.. "Beautiful" by Eminem.. "3am" by Eminem.. "Medicine Ball" by Eminem.. "Underground" by Eminem.. "Insane" by Eminem.. "Deja Vu" by Eminem.. "Must Be The Ganja" by Eminem.. "Old Times Sake" by Eminem & Dr Dre.. "Stay Wide Awake" by Eminem.. "Hurricane" by Tha Click.. "Slam" by Onyx.. "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx N Effect
Ya boy, Hustle, is now putting the finishing touches on yet another one, folks. I realize that this column was a bit shorter than my columns usually are, but there are certain subjects that just need to offer the steak, and don't necessarily need the baked potato and salad on the side. This topic was a "steak" topic. The show just keeps keepin on, dig? Thanks to everybody in ReaderLand for riding with me once again. Another "Hustle Original" will be hitting the streets next week, same Hustle time (alright, well, new Hustle time, but you know what I'm trying to say), same Hustle page. Keep your peepers peepin for that, of course. Until then, it's time for me to jet like an Air Force cadet, nah'mean? From the state that bumps so damned hard we got a drum machine named after our area code, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa.
”I'm exceedin expectations, you barely meetin quota.. I give it to em straight, you cut it with baking soda..”
"The same reason y'all could love me is the same reason y'all condemn me.."
Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com
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