"I feel I'm God with the flow, cause people started believin.. so what I'm cocky, who gon' stop me?.."
Chaundon (of Little Brother) brings us this week's intro line. I'm on the grind, trying to convert the doubters and those who were following another religion, dig? Welcome, to you, you, you, and especially you, to yet another edition of the column that has Cam'ron, Juelz Santana, and Jim Jones thinking about reuniting at Summer Jam.. Hustle Is Posting Right Now. I'm the man with the master plan (just don't call me Sam, but I think you better recognize).. Hustle be thy name. I'm a day late and a buck short (and I'm writing the report) because I wasn't feeling well yesterday. Actually, I'm two days late. Damn Swine Flu. It's now May 3rd, which doesn't mean much of anything, other than the fact that the year is still ticking down rather quickly. The ridiculously hot summer months are just around the corner, folks. What else is just around the corner, you might be asking? The rest of this column. I think it's about that time. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!! (I can't believe I forgot the "Less dew eet!!" last week)
One of the biggest problems with being a wrestling columnist is just how quickly things can change. You can post a column about how so-and-so is going to become a champion within six months, and then he could get released a few days later. You could mention how so-and-so is doing great heel work, and then he could come out and turn face at the next show. It's such a rapidly progressing business, and unless you're doing daily columns (fucking hell, I need to get back to The HIPE already), you're bound to miss some things, or have things change on you without notice.
It has happened to me in the past, and now, it has happened to me again. I've been talking about my "Super H" rant for a few weeks now, and I've spent countless hours working on it and trying to get things just right. Then, the sumbitch has to go and lose, relatively cleanly, to Randy Orton at Backlash, making a large portion of my column look ridiculous. As if I needed more reason to dislike the guy, right? I could've posted the column, anyway, but with a disclaimer of sorts, saying that it was done before the events of Backlash took place. I'm not necessarily a fan of those types of columns, though, so I decided to take my general idea, put a few twists in it, and repackage it for everyone.
It doesn't take much to see that music plays a large role in my columns, all the way back to the beginning stages of HIPRN. I wanted to use music in this column, as a way to answer questions people have about why I dislike certain things about the wrestling industry, whether they be particular wrestlers, a fan base, or general ideas. People always read that I dislike so-and-so, and this will expand on why I feel that way. Then, for shits and giggles, I'll even turn the tides a bit, and share what I dislike about some of my favorite people in wrestling. Blah blah, enough talking, let's get on with it.
"For money, I'll have these muthafuckaz buried.."
I figured I might as well hang on to a little bit of my "Super H" column, since I spent so much fucking time on it. Seriously, the guy has made a career off of burying people, even in small, subtle ways. One of the examples of this is something that I was recently discussing with "C", and that's when he was feuding with Booker T going into WrestleMania 19. The entire storyline basically revolved around the fact that Triple H, as the uppity rich snob heel, thought Booker T was "beneath" him, saying that "people like you" (Booker) don't belong in the ring with "people like me" (himself). A lot of people immediately played the race card there, complaining to high heaven that it was a racist comment that had no business being on TV in this day and age. I'm not here to say whether or not it was a racist comment, but the fact of the matter is that Triple H is one of the only people around who will bury his opponents on the mic before he's even stepped into the ring with them, and he does that as a face and as a heel. I've said it before, but what good is it to bury your opponents on the mic like that? If they're as bad as you say they are, and you beat them.. so what? You just beat a "subpar" talent. If they're as bad as you say they are, and they beat you.. well, that just makes you awful, doesn't it? It's a lose/lose situation to put yourself in. For someone who is supposed to be such a student of wrestling, you'd think he'd understand the importance of building your opponent up and making you both look good. He hasn't done that at all.
Obviously, it isn't just promo battles that has Triple H placed into this column. No, he gets the "Super H" moniker from his work in the ring. Other than people who were 7-feet-tall or weighed 300+ pounds, nobody in the entire 23-24 years that I've been watching wrestling has destroyed people as frequently as Triple H has. He stomped all over the five-man Spirit Squad, nearly by himself. No, I'm not saying that the SS should've beaten DX, but damn.. a five-on-two fight should be more lopsided than that was, especially when the feud was main eventing TV and PPV events at the time. At least Shawn Michaels would regularly be on the receiving end of ass-kickings by the SS. Until, of course, he made the "hot tag", in which case the match would then be over within two minutes.
Trips has also single-handedly had The Brian Kendrick's momentum come to a screeching halt. Look back at the direction that TBK was heading in before the Championship Scramble match, then watch the Scramble match, and then look at the direction TBK has headed in since the Scramble match. The guy was on fire going into the Scramble, and he was the most dominant competitor during the Scramble itself.. until Triple H came in. It wasn't very long afterwards that he was eliminated. Fast forward a bit to the Royal Rumble, where, once again, TBK was putting on a nice performance.. until Triple H came in, and that was it for Kendrick's chances of winning the Rumble. He hasn't been the same wrestler since, and has become more of a job boy, even losing the main reason (Ezekiel Jackson) that he was winning a lot of his matches in the first place.
It just amazes me that he's able to put down his opponents the way he does, and they never seem to get a chance to respond in kind. It's almost as if he's being protected backstage or something. Hmmm.. makes you think, doesn't it? Look, I'm just repeating myself here, but he would've been a success with or without being in a relationship with Stephanie McMahon. He was already on his way to being one of the best in the company before he started dating her, so I'm not one of those people that say she's the sole reason for his success, but he gets away with far more than the "average" wrestler would be able to get away with, all because, outside of cheating on Steph or abusing her, there's nothing he can do wrong in the eyes of the people that matter. He's a Made Man right now, and it's a shame, really, because all it allows him to do is whatever the hell he wants to do, and he's held to a different standard as everyone else.
"The media blows things out of proportion.. the public eye, proceed with caution.."
In recent memory, I can think of one wrestler who came into the public view with so much buzz to the point where it became sickening, and then he proceeded to shit all over each and every person who supported him by becoming more fragile than an infant with AIDS, as well as getting caught in a lie on multiple occasions with his interviews.. Mr Kennedy, and no, I'm not doing his lame schtick of repeating his name.
He wasn't even around for longer than a week or two before people in the IWC started proclaiming their love for him, and how he was destined for huge things in his career. I tried to keep a level head about things, because let's face it.. that's just how I roll. With every passing week, however, his hype on the IWC got larger and larger, and all because of the fact that he can go out in front of thousands of people and repeat his name. Seriously, this guy would walk out to the ring, introduce himself, and repeat his last name for everyone, and they'd praise his mic skills like he was the second coming of Jesus himself. I'm not saying that he was a charisma-less hack, because that's far from the truth. Without question, he had his fair share of natural charisma, but he wasn't getting to speak more than a line or two every week, and people were circle-jerking each other as they watched him.
Time after time after time, he's been sidelined, either on his own accord or by the company, and people continued to make excuses for him, holding on to those same few lines that he uttered during his time with WWE. As time went on, more and more people started to smarten up, and they jumped off the Kennedy bandwagon, but there's still a percentage of people that are holding onto the past, calling for him to be put into the main event scene upon his return, if he actually does return. With the track record that he has, there's no way he'll be in the main event, as he can't be trusted to stay healthy and to stay out of trouble. He'd win the title, and then test positive for steroids the very next day or something. If he can come back from his current injury, he has quite the uphill climb as far as proving himself to the company goes. Maybe.. just maybe.. if he shows that he can be trusted, he can have the US Title or something, but let's face it.. that's his ceiling at this point.
"Your whole style is whack, just face it.."
I've said it before, and damnit, I'll say it again.. there isn't a single thing that Matt Hardy does well. He's not a good brawler, he's not a good mat (no pun intended) technician, he's not a good high-flier, he's not a good submission wrestler, he's not a good talker.. he's just so.. so.. bleh. Most everyone can stand out at something, but he can't seem to accomplish that. People say they started liking him when he was teaming with his brother, and that's fine and all, but let's face it.. you watched a Hardy Boyz match to see what crazy shenaniganery Jeff would pull off.
When the "Mattitude" character was created, he had some fun "Matt Facts", but that's nothing to get all overly excited about, as it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. During this time, he was involved in the best singles matches of his whole career, but let's be real.. that has to do with the level of his competition at the time, as Smackdown was absolutely loaded during Matt's run in the Cruiserweight division. Every week, Matt was in a match with one of the better actual wrestlers (and/or high-fliers) on the roster.
He didn't gain any sympathy from the male viewers during the whole "epic" storyline between Edge, Lita, and himself, as the folks I talked to couldn't relate to how whiny he was being about the entire situation. Sure, the love of his life had cheated on him, but his constant whining and crying about it didn't do him any favors. If he would've dealt with it in a "silent rage" kind of way, and just went out and handed Edge's ass to him on a platter, things may have been different, but he didn't, so it wasn't.
There was a bit of hope for Matt's new heel character, but really, his lack of charisma and mic skills have been killing him. He can't cut a promo to save his life, and when he's supposed to be serious, it doesn't work. I'll use the example of the promo he cut when he was holding the dog in his hands. That was the unintentionally funny promo of the year, and perhaps of the whole decade. It was a fucking joke. Now that he's moved on from feuding with Jeff, he's basically dead in the water. He has zero chance of being a main eventer on Raw. In fact, having him feud with Goldust is probably as high up as he should be, but I'm sure he'll be fighting for the US Title before too long.
Someone explain to me what makes Matt so appealing. He may have the worst strikes in the history of wrestling, he has the same speed as Yokozuna (Yokozuna NOW, not Yokozuna when he was the champion), and the list goes on. Again, just explain to me what exactly makes him special.
"You talk too much.. you never shut up.. I said you talk too much, homeboy, you never shut up.."
Michael Cole is just doing his job. I realize that. I completely understand the fact that he's getting paid (too much, probably) to talk, but my goodness, not only does he do it too much, but the least he could do for us is make the talking that he does worth listening to. He's as phony as a musical performance by Zack Attack on Saved By The Bell, and that, my friends, is tremendously phony. Seriously, Jesse Spano wasn't even lip-synching properly, and holy hell, they could've at least found a singing voice that came close to matching AC Slater's speaking voice. It was just laughable to watch them sing, with their corny outfits, lame facial expressions, and lack of emotion for their friends as Kelly Capowski was about to dump Zack Morris at the Bayside Costume Ball for her new boss at The Max, Jeff. Fucking bitch.
*ahem*
I'm sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes.. Michael Cole.. he's phony.
"Everybody loves a joke, but no one likes a fool.. you're always cracking the same old lines again.."
Realistically, I could've went with either Mick Foley or Sting here, and I should probably just use them both, but I'll just stick with Foley. Since his arrival in TNA, he hasn't said a single thing of merit, and he's living off of the shit he did no less than a decade ago. TNA fans are, for the most part, delusional and out of their minds (more on that later), so they're really the only ones that don't see what a joke Mick Foley has become, and just how much he's copping a nice, steamy squat all over his legacy in the business.
On multiple occasions, he's mentioned how he wanted to walk away from the wrestling business to prevent being like the guys who were on top during the downfall of WCW. He didn't want to be the guy out there trying to hold on to past accolades and hold back the younger, more deserving talent. Correct me if I'm wrong, but umm.. isn't he the TNA World Champion now? Nice job, Mick.
"Here I am, doing everything I can.. holding on to what I am.. pretending I'm a superman.. Here I am, growing older all the time.. looking older all the time.. but feeling younger in my mind.."
Shane McMahon, please go away. We get it.. you're the product of Vince McMahon's semen (and it says so right there on your business card), and that you can get away with just about anything you want because of that fact. However, in no way should this give you the go-ahead to be booked to look a million times better than you actually are. In every feud you've had since you made your charactorial debut with the company, you've gotten in far more offense than someone of your doughy standards should be getting.
With Vince McMahon, sure he's 116 years old, but at least he's got a massive physique, so if he gets a bit of offense in when he's fighting someone, it's somewhat believable. It's not like he ever gets that much offense in, anyway, unless he has other people helping him. He usually takes an ass-whooping for the entire match. Shane, on the other hand, doesn't have the same physique as his father, as evidenced by the fact that he always covers it up as much as possible. That said, I'm supposed to believe it when he's handing Randy Orton's ass to him? Kane? Kurt Angle? Anybody else that Shane has had his wet dreams with? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Shane's only one step above Michael Cole going out there and kicking ass, but at least, from what I hear, Cole has some martial arts training in his life.
Vince, please talk to your son. Get him to stay home with his family and leave the wrestling to the actual wrestlers. I realize that he's your son, but you're a smart businessman.. you have to understand that it's not good business to expose the WWE roster like that. Vince, please.. I'll even send you money. $28 with your name on it. Just think about it.
"Used to be hard, now you're just wet and soft.."
No homo, of course. What the fuck has happened to Abyss' character? He used to be the badassiest of badasses, and now he's nothing more than a punk bitch who is afraid of his therapist and hides behind a woman, who now appears to be taking control of the "relationship". This is a man who shot his father, ferchrissake! Well, his character did, anyway (let's just hope that it was just his character), and now he's being cutesy-poo with a backstage interviewer and being on the verge of tears when things don't go his way.
Defenders of Abyss will say that this is building to the return of "The Monster", but they've been saying that forever now, and it's still the same old bitch. I mean, I understand that TNA tried to do everything they possibly could to make Abyss like Kane, but damn, did they really need to ruin his character by "humanizing" him like WWE did with Kane? After giving Kane normal human emotion, he was never the same again, although they have tried on multiple occasions to try and bring him back to the Kane of old.
Honestly, I don't even know why it bothers me that much, as he isn't very good to begin with. Without barbed wire, chairs, thumbtacks, or anything else of that nature, his matches are b-o-r-i-n-g. They're still boring with the weapons, but at least he can get a couple nice spots out of a hardcore match.
"You ain't hard, you ain't tough.. is you hearin us? You don't pump no fear in us.."
Some people walk through life thinking they're a lot tougher than they actually are. They try to walk, talk, and act "hard" (no homo), but it just doesn't work. In the world of wrestling, this fits Mike Tenay absolutely perfectly. He's 5'4" and is about to turn 84 years old, and yet, he isn't afraid to scowl at someone he disagrees with, looking at them as if he wanted to tear them in half right then and there. He's been doing it since his days in WCW, and it continues to this day. One of the highlights (or lowlights, depending on your point of view) of watching Impact these days is to see if Tenay will have one of those sit-down interviews with a heel wrestler, because he'll argue everything the heel says, interrupt him, yell at him, and just generally shoot him the look of death for the entire interview. When the cameras cut to Tenay and Don West sitting at the announce table, Tenay generally looks at West as if he wanted to dive at him and choke the life out of the big man. Could it be that Tenay has a Napoleon Complex? Whatever it is, it's hilariously annoying.
"Example of a cat who's just a modern-day Sambo.."
This is another one I've discussed in the past, but seriously, R-Truth is one step away from coming to the ring, drinking a 40 ounce malt liquor and eating a fried chicken drumstick, and then having sex with a fat white woman. Speaking of "fat white women", Matt Hardy is now thanking God Almighty, as he was afraid that Killings would mistake his long hair and moobs for a hot chick. Matt doesn't want anything to do with the Jungle Fever.
On the bright side, his push seems to have disappeared, so maybe I won't have to deal with seeing him for much longer. He should go back to TNA, where he belongs.
"Brain damage, ever since the day I was born.. drugs is what they used to say I was on.. they say I never knew which way I was going, but everywhere I go, they keep playing my song.."
Crazy. Batshit insane. In their own little worlds. Ridonkulous. You can describe TNA Marks in a variety of ways, and really, they're all pretty accurate. RoH Marks can be pretty wild themselves, but with them, at least they usually blindly defend things that are pretty decent. With TNA, I find that the company's lemming fans will defend any and everything that TNA does, as long as it is, in fact, TNA doing it. Their mothers could all be violated with a broken beer bottle in the middle of The Impact Zone, and they'd still start the "T-N-A" chant. Now that I think about it, if their mothers were all violated with a beer bottle, the "T-N-A" chant would have a different meaning altogether.
I just don't understand the blind loyalty to a product like TNA fans have. WWE fans will praise a lot of things that the company does, but they definitely aren't afraid to bitch and complain about various wrestlers and storylines. If you ask most TNA marks, every person in the company is deserving of being a multiple-time TNA Champion, every match is six stars out of a five-star scale, and every decision is the greatest decision in the entire history of ever. I don't know what kind of kool-aid they're giving out, but even as a minority, that's a flavor that I want no part of, even to wash down the fried chicken I'm eating.
Impact is the worst two hours of televised wrestling that the world has seen in.. well.. maybe ever, and yet, the TNA marks.. mark.. for it. Every week, even without reading the taping results, you know that the show is going to start with a Main Event Mafia promo, and you know that 40 or so minutes of the first hour will be dedicated to in-ring promos, backstage segments, and video packages, with the second hour not being much better. That opening Main Event Mafia promo won't be their final promo of the show, because it never is. We'll get Kurt Angle talking during the opening in-ring promo, and instead of having the other members speak while they're there, TNA will just wait 15 minutes, when they interview Scott Steiner in the MEM locker room backstage, and then just interview Booker T backstage 20 minutes after that. There are ridiculous ideas and decisions sprinkled throughout each episode.. and the fans still go crazy for it. They're marking out for having a nearly-crippled Mick Foley as TNA Champion, for goodness sake!
TNA fans, you baffle me. Someone please explain the appeal of the company to me.
"Nothing too serious.. if you close your eyes, it may go away.."
Come on, IWC.. a lot of you folks really need to learn to stop treating this wrestling thing as if it were some sort of life or death situation. It's really not. Some of you may not realize it yet, but there are far more important things in life than wrestling, and this is coming from someone who watches and writes about it all the time. Half of you reading this right now may already have Swine Flu, which is slightly more important than wrestling. Hopefully this won't lead to more people going ahead and leaving me some ridiculous soliloquy in my PSN inbox about how all the writers of LoP suck because of how biased they are about everything, blah blah blah. That's a true story, by the way. I actually received that message from someone. True to form, he was a Cena Hater with the spelling and grammatical skills of a fourth grader. This schmuck then went on to delete me from his friends list. Now that I won't be able to play PS3 games with him online, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I must admit.. I'm sure not going to miss his random messages about how he'd like to sleep with Santina, though. Yes, that's yet another true story.
That's what I'm talking about, people. Quit taking things, and quit taking yourselves, so seriously. I'll never fully understand why people get so worked up over the results of matches and the directions of storylines. It doesn't say a lot about you when you get that angry over something that isn't even real to begin with. Having passion for something is fine and dandy.. I'll never hate on someone for being passionate, but try to keep things in perspective, will you?
"Get up and do something for yourself.. rise up and do something for yourself.."
This is definitely more of a problem with the way someone is booked, rather than anything they can really do about on their own, but my goodness.. I'm sick of Edge looking like the weakest champion in history. He's far too talented to have that label, and it's really unfair that he carries it around with him. I'm not a huge, huge, huge fan of him or anything, but I can definitely acknowledge what he can bring to the table. Again, I'm just sick of the way his character has been booked over the last few years or so, and there doesn't appear to be any end in sight for it.
When he wins a title, he requires every trick in the book to do so, whether it be foreign objects, physical assistance from other wrestlers, a love interest that is a General Manager, or all of the above. As soon as he's booked in a relatively-clean match that is one-on-one, it's just about a foregone conclusion that he's going to drop the title. It happens far too much, folks. He now has a total of NINE World Title reigns in less time than it took most of you to graduate high school, which is frickin ridiculous.
Before anyone says it, yes, I realize that he's a heel, and heels can be booked that way, but go ahead and name me a heel that has been booked to require as much help as Edge needs to win his matches. Chris Jericho, for a while, was playing one of the better "chickenshit heel" characters in all of wrestling, and he didn't need any more than the occasional handful of tights or to put his feet on the ropes to win a match. Eddie Guerrero made an entire catchphrase about having to "lie, cheat & steal" his way to victory, and even he could win matches on his own. Ric Flair was "The Dirtiest Player In The Game" for 20+ years, and he won matches on his own pretty frequently. I'm not saying Edge should be booked as some sort of unstoppable freak of nature, a la The Undertaker when he debuted in the WWF, but damn, he's 6'5" tall and weighs 250 pounds.. you'd think he'd be booked to be somewhat tough, at least.
It's just frustrating, that's all.
"Mr Potato Head of the year.. put-together gangsta.."
Well, not the "gangsta" part, but this describes Matt Morgan pretty well, in my opinion. There's nothing original about the guy at all. His entire character has just taken bits and pieces of different "big man" wrestlers, from their look to their moves to the way they move. He's like a lame e-fed knockoff of different wrestlers. He's what would happen if Brock Lesnar and Goldberg had a baby with each other. Eww.. gross.
Seriously, though, he's nothing more than the ultimate generic "create-a-wrestler". Every one of us that has played a video game like "Smackdown VS Raw" knows what it's like to create some random wrestler, make him large and powerful, and take bits and pieces from other people's movesets, etc, to make some sort of unstoppable force. That's what we get with this guy. It's just too bad that he didn't try to steal someone's charisma and mic skills, as he clearly ran out of points to use when he got to those categories.
People are always trying to tell me about how he's the future of "big man" wrestling, and blah blah blah blah blah. I just don't see it, folks. As much as I like El Generico in RoH, I think he should do what's right and give up his name for Matt Morgan. I'll be downright shocked if Morgan amounts to anything more than he is with TNA right now. Wait.. I shouldn't say that, because he clearly has the size to catch the attention of Vince McMahon (let's be honest, Vince doesn't remember having Morgan on his payroll in the past), so I could see him wrestling for WWE again in the future, but he just doesn't have what it takes to connect with audiences (that I've seen, anyway), so he won't accomplish any more than, say, Vladimir Kozlov has at this point of his career.
Some people think I'm a tad biased when it comes to certain people and certain topics in the world of wrestling (as evidenced by my little story in the IWC section), but that's purely speculation. In fact, to prove that the "bias" jibberyjoo is nothing but poppycock, I will now take the time to drop some jewels on people and topics that you probably wouldn't expect me to poke fun of. I don't need to prove myself to anyone, but damnit, I's stands alls I cans stands, and I's can'ts stands no more~!
"You might be a big fish in a little pond.. doesn't mean you've won.."
Bryan Danielson is the best wrestler in RoH, and one of the more WWE-ready people on the roster, but in the end, what does that mean when he isn't being seen by that many people? That seems to be the argument over his "Best In The World" name. Based on pure talent alone, he's definitely one of the best wrestlers on the planet, but if he isn't plying his craft in the WWE, the top company around, can he truly be the best?
To use a similar example, if you're the MVP of the CFL, you're definitely a talented football player, but how would you stack up against the best talent in the world that the NFL has to offer? I still think Danielson ends up on the WWE roster sometime in the next year or two, at which time he will get his chance to prove that he's worthy of all the accolades and praise he's been getting since people first started watching him wrestle, but until then, some of the praise has to be a bit hollow, and that's not a knock on Danielson at all, as he's still #2 on my favorites list. Shit, he really is a big fish in a small pond, now that I really think about it. There isn't much left for him to achieve with Ring Of Honor, outside of becoming the very first multiple-time RoH World Champion. If/when he checks that off of his list, I'd say the Fiiiiinalllll Countdowwwwwnnnnn (get it?) will begin for his time with the company.
"You work your fingers to the bone.."
Look, I'm the last person that is going to say there's a problem with getting your hustle on, but on the flip side to that, there might be such a thing as working too hard, and that's what I fear John Cena does. He eats, breathes, sleeps, shits, and lives professional wrestling. That's fine, and it's quite commendable, but I worry that he'll burn himself out long before he should. As a fan of his, I don't want to see him have to walk away from the business before the time is right, and all because his mind, body, and soul are all tired and weary.
Selfishly, I'd like to see him wrestle until he's no longer able to do so physically, but realistically, I don't want him to become another harsh statistic in the cold, cruel history of professional wrestling. There haven't been any signs of that starting to take place yet, thankfully, but I'd rather it stay that way. Personally, I think he needs to have a kid. If that doesn't help to put a lot of his focus elsewhere, nothing will. I know a few people who would be willing to help him in that regard. No, not me, you sick bastards. I'd just film it all.
"Beneath this sleek exterior, there's less than meets the eye.."
Ladies and gentlemen, while I sincerely appreciate the praise that I get, I still don't feel that I'm deserving of most of it. The fact that I'm ranked as the favorite columnist of a lot of you baffles me, as there are much better writers in the LoP world, both here on the main page, as well as in the LoPForums.com Columns Forum. The "People's Champion" moniker that I was given a while back really does fit, I guess. I try to be as "real" as possible when I write, trying not to be too gimmicky, all while making sure my column reads just as it would if you were talking to me on AIM or something along those lines. I'm glad that my style is appreciated, but people like SkittleZ, SUPERFAN, JohnnyBoomerang, JoeyShinobi, Stinger, lenjr04, and XanMan all have me schooled. Check them all out, if you aren't doing so already. Trust me.. you can't go wrong with any of those guys.
Psshh.. and people thought I was too cocky.
After several weeks of matchups, votes, and intrigue, we finally have a winner of the Hustle Madness tournament, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a long journey, but it ended with a single matchup to decide it all:
Red #3 Steve Austin VS The Rock (WrestleMania 17)
VS
Orange #1 Steve Austin VS Bret Hart (WrestleMania 13)
This was a close matchup, as I expected it would be, but in the end, the match that YOU, the readers of HIPRN, chose as the winner of Hustle Madness was..
Red #3 Steve Austin VS The Rock (WrestleMania 17)
78-70 was the final score, and it went back and forth all week long, with both matches leading on more than one occasion. I'm not surprised that Austin/Rock won, but I still say that Austin/Hart is my favorite match of all-time. It had everything I could've asked for, and much more, but this was about each and every one of you, not about me. The atmosphere in the Astrodome for WrestleMania 17 was incredible, and I could tell that through the television screen. The Houston crowd was pretty amped up for every match, but Austin/Rock took the cake there. Texas' own, Steve Austin, facing off with The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment, on the grandest stage of them all. Their every move was met with a roar from the crowd, and in the true sign of just how over Austin was, he "sold his soul" to his mortal enemy and turned heel, and the crowd still didn't boo him. It was one of the damnedest things I've ever seen in my years of watching wrestling. When you really think about it, and think back to their history together, Austin turning heel to join up with Vince McMahon should've been one of the biggest "jaw-dropper" moments of all-time, but the crowd simply wasn't having any of that.
Thank you to everyone that voted, whether it was just once or in every round. Thank you to everyone that didn't vote, but instead, offered commentary on the matchups and various matches throughout the tournament. Thank you to everyone that reached out about my minor dilemma with the Shawn Michaels/Undertaker matchup from WrestleMania 25. Thank you to everyone that gave me ideas for future tournaments and things of that nature.
Speaking of future tournaments, I've got a couple ideas being tossed around, and I'm still trying to narrow it down to a single idea, but even when that happens, it'll be a while before Hustle Madness returns. I had a lot of fun doing this, and I'm really glad people seemed to enjoy the idea, but I don't want it to be the only thing I do. Having tournaments back to back to back to back to back to back isn't as exciting as "legit" columns, in my opinion. Besides, it helps me focus more on the "legit" parts of my columns, which is nice. I need all the focus I can get. My A.D.D. is crazy, and I think that.. ooh, what's that over there?
Backlash has now come and gone, and without getting too deep, I wanted to share some thoughts on the show, the results, and the direction WWE is heading in coming out of the show..
- Although I predicted Jack Swagger would retain the ECW Title, I'm not too surprised that Christian is the new champion. The company keeps hinting at a possible title reign for Tommy Dreamer in the future, and things have fallen perfectly into place now. As I mentioned last week, Christian won't lose much of anything in the area of momentum or heat if he drops the title to Dreamer, especially if it's some sort of an Extreme Rules match, where weapons come into play. That way, we get to see the "feel good" story of Tommy Dreamer winning the ECW Title once again, and the ECW Marks rejoice (Irishsara, I'm looking in your direction). That still leaves one piece of the puzzle, though.. after Dreamer wins the title, his first challenger should be Swagger, who can then build himself a lot of heel heat by absolutely destroying Dreamer, taking his title, and sending him into retirement. It can be mentioned that Dreamer has taken quite a lot of ass kickings in his time, but that he always kept coming back for more.. until this time. That will do wonders for Jack Swagger's advancement, and will propel him just that much closer to being a bonafide superstar in the business.
- The Santino/Santina shit needs to stop, posthaste. The storyline is now being driven into the ground, and it's being done so at the expense of the entire women's division on Raw. Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, and Divas Champion Maryse (she's not the greatest wrestler yet, but she's still the champion) are all looking like C-level stars now, and like I said, it needs to stop. I laughed in the beginning, but now, it's just not funny anymore.
- I'm not as high on the "I Quit" match as some people are. It was pretty good, and better than their WrestleMania match, but it isn't deserving of the level of praise that it has been getting, in my opinion. With Jeff's victory, perhaps that signals that he'll re-sign with WWE, after all, and not leave the company when his contract is up, as previously rumored. I'm just hoping that this doesn't turn Matt into a full-on whiny bitch character like he portrayed on Raw this week. I don't need even more reason to stop paying attention when he's on my TV screen.
- The six-man tag was better than it had any right in being, considering that more than half of the competitors had absolutely no right in being involved in such a high-profile match. Cody Rhodes Ted DiBiase were also in the match. Hopefully, Triple H being on the receiving end of the RKOP will scramble his brain a bit, and he'll come back with no memory of his squashing past. That would be nice.
- Cena VS Edge was a Match Of The Year candidate, point blank, period. I always enjoy Last Man Standing matches, as the entire idea of the match promises a brutal encounter, and this was no different. Cena taking the match-ending bump makes him a better man than me, but just barely. I still don't really understand the point of having Big Show help Edge win the title, but eh, whatever's clever, I guess.
- Overall, it was a really good show, and definitely worth checking out if you haven't done so already. The DVD comes out the week after WrestleMania 25's DVD, so go pick that up. Tell them Hustle sent you, and collect your free gift.
Hustle Highlight Of The Week: Clearly, the winner of the HHotW is the John Cena/Edge match from Backlash, which is rated between four and five stars, depending on who you're talking to. In a pay-per-view that was solid from top to bottom, this was the match that stood out when all was said and done. Just an amazing brawl, and a fitting end (for the time being, of course) to the Cena/Edge rivalry that has been going on for a few years. Sure, I didn't exactly enjoy the end result of the match (not because Cena lost, as I was expecting him to lose, anyway, but to CM Punk instead), but it wasn't enough of a complaint to take away from my overall enjoyment of it. Nice to see Cena getting some praise from people online, as is the norm following his gimmick matches. If that's what it takes, I'm all for it.
Honorable mentions this week include the Six-Man Tag from Backlash, MVP's entire promo against The Legacy from Raw, the Randy Orton/MVP match from Raw, JR's hilarious burn on Michael Cole (where he asked who was feeding Cole his lines), the Finlay/Tyson Kidd match from ECW, the amount of heat Jack Swagger got on ECW for coming out and putting an end to the Christian/Tommy Dreamer match, the news item that said Hornswoggle and Festus may be a new tag team on Raw, Umaga's return on Smackdown, the Jeff Hardy/Rey Mysterio/Chris Jericho/Kane match from Smackdown, Maria's facial expressions in her backstage segment on Smackdown, and O.D.B.'s hair on Impact.
Wow, that's a long list. Sure, there's an extra show's worth of material, since I'm posting a day late, but that's still a lot of good wrestling material for the week.
Writer's Note: To keep people updated, I've now received varying degrees of "I'm in" answers from at least a dozen people (LoP-related people, at least) for the.. wait for it.. 2nd Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza, so things are going nicely to this point. Sure, some of those names will probably drop out, for one reason or another, by the time we're ready to actually get money exchanged, but at the same time, some people will probably throw their names into the hat between now and then, as well.
I've been busy choppin it up with various people in my "real" life about this, and they seem to be entertaining the idea. "C" is also talking to some of his friends and co-workers, and the word continues to spread. Talk to so-and-so about it, and then they talk to so-and-so about it, and that person talks to so-and-so about it, who then goes and talks to so-and-so about it.. there could be a lot of people hanging out with me, directly and indirectly, in Phoenix. Once again, I'll be posting any new details about the trip in my columns as they come out, so keep posted.
Writer's Note Part Deux: In an incredibly short amount of time, you have become the single most annoying person I know, and you're challenging for the title of "Most Annoying Person I've Ever Met", which is a level that is almost impossible to reach. I don't know what your major malfunction is, but it wasn't always clear and present with you, that's for damn sure. I really wish I knew what to say to you, but you make it so fucking difficult to be around you, and I find myself zoning out and just not giving a shit after a while. Quit looking for excuses and other people to blame for the bad things in your life.. things that you brought upon yourself. Please get a clue.
Writer's Note Part Ekolu: Happy day, happy motherfucking day, the San Francisco 49ers drafted Michael Crabtree! This is like a dream come true for me. No joke. No homo. In no way did I expect the 49ers to have a chance at drafting him, as I hinted at in last week's Draft preview, but thanks to the Oakland Raiders and the amazingly stupid/senile Al Davis, Crabtree simply fell into the laps of the 49ers. I like Darrius Heyward-Bey, but he wasn't even all that impressive on the college level, other than his speed and "potential", so what could he accomplish in the NFL?
Sure, the Niners didn't land their franchise QB, but Shaun Hill deserves another year to prove himself, and now that his offense is much-improved, if he can't succeed, we'll know, for sure, that he isn't cut out for the job. The good news, on that front, is the fact that San Francisco has two first-round picks in next year's Draft. With their placement in the round (they're a borderline playoff team, while the team that owned their other pick, Carolina, is playoff-bound), they could/should be able to take those picks, package them, and move up in the round to draft either Oklahoma's Sam Bradford, Texas' Colt McCoy, or Florida's Tim Tebow. Any one of those would really work, in my opinion. Yes, even Tebow, who is more NFL-ready than most people are willing to give him credit for. With one of those guys at QB, I think the 49ers could be a major force in the NFC for years to come, as they're building up the rest of the team very nicely.
As a 49ers fan, it's going to be a fun year. I need to hurry up and get my Crabtree jersey ordered already. Hell, while I'm at it, I need to step my game up with a new Frank Gore jersey, as well as a new Patrick Willis jersey. Chep, I'm gonna see what I can to take you up on your offer about a 49ers game this season. No promises, though. Ha.
Writer's Note Part Quattro: I've been on the receiving end of requests from different people, asking me to help promote their music. I just wanted to take this time to address them, all at the same time. Even if I haven't gotten around to responding to your e-mails yet, I have read them, and I have taken the time to listen to your music. I just haven't yet figured out what I'm going to do about all the requests. I don't want to plug a different artist/group every week, as that would probably just flood my inbox with other requests to pimp their music out, but at the same time, I understand what the industry is like, and I know that these people want and need every avenue possible to get their names out there to the world. Just be patient with me, and when I make a final decision on the whole thing, everyone will be notified, and we'll all move on from that point. Do not worry, folks.
What Hustle Is Listening To Right Now: "Prophecy" by Cam'ron & Kelly Price.. "Don't Hate Me" by 112 & Twista.. "Magic Man" by Kanye West, Malik Yusef, Common, & John Legend.. "Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson.. "If This Isn't Love" by Jennifer Hudson.. "Ambitionz Az A Ridah" by 2Pac.. "Swagger Like Us" by Chepo.. "My Life" by Chepo.. "Day N Nite" by Chepo.. "Wu-Bang" by Chepo.. "Writerz Block" by N-Depth & Chepo.. "Nike Boots" by Chepo.. "Flashing Lights" by Chepo.. "Haters On My Jizzock" by Chepo.. "90" by Chepo & Roachey Roach.. "In My Hands" by Chepo.. "Your Glass House" by Atmosphere.. "Always Coming Back Home To You" by Atmosphere.. "Trying To Find A Balance" by Atmosphere.. "Day N Nite (Remix)" by Kid Cudi, Jim Jones, & Collie Buddz.. "Weak" by SWV.. "Anything (Remix)" by SWV & Wu-Tang Clan.. "Be By Myself" by Asher Roth & Cee-Lo.. "Drop Top Muzik (Remix)" by Bobby Creekwater & Mistah F.A.B. .. "Kinda Like A Big Deal" by Clipse & Kanye West.. "Lucas With The Lid Off" by Lucas.. "Cantaloop" by US3.. "Ditty" by Paperboy.. "Baby I'm Yours" by Shai.. "If I Ever Fall In Love" by Shai.. "Comforter" by Shai.. "Your Love" by The Outfield.. "Theories Of Wine" by Charles Hamilton.. "All The Above" by Maino & T-Pain.. "Hustler's Anthem" by Busta Rhymes & T-Pain.. "Say It" by Voices Of Theory.. "(sic)" by Slipknot.. "Psychosocial" by Slipknot.. "Wait & Bleed" by Slipknot.. "Left Behind" by Slipknot.. "Midwest Choppers" by Tech N9Ne, Krayzie Bone, & K-Dean.. "Midwest Choppers 2" by Tech N9ne & Twista.. "My Life" by The Game & Lil Wayne.. "3am" by Eminem (the video is fucking epic).. "Lost" by Gorilla Zoe
Hot damn, yo, there we went again. Another edition of HIPRN is bagged and tagged, ready for the masses. We're getting close to HIPRN v.50, which is pretty crazy, and a milestone that, at one time, I never thought I'd be able to reach. Not bad for someone who started writing columns as a bit of a joke, I guess. Thanks again, everyone, for riding with me one mo 'gen. If you've ever wondered what various pro wrestlers would eat as their last meal if they were sitting on death row (and I can't figure out why you would wonder something like that), keep your peepers peepin next week (hopefully on Friday, and not two days late), as I'm going to get straight silly. It won't be the majority of the column, but that's the preview you're getting, and damnit, you'll have to deal with it. Until next week, it's time for me to g.h.e.t.t.o.u.t. like Changing Faces said, nah'mean? From the same shopping center as Sumo Ramen (Chicken Katsu Ramen, coming right up), I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa.
”I'm exceedin expectations, you barely meetin quota.. I give it to em straight, you cut it with baking soda..”
"The same reason y'all could love me is the same reason y'all condemn me.."
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