Posted in: Hustle Is Posting Right Now Hustle Is Posting Right Now: Volume 35 ("Commandments" Edition)
By Hustle
Feb 27, 2009 - 9:10:09 PM
Ro, let me just say this, my dude.. you're a monster.
"Got an *Appetite For Destruction*, you can call me *Axl*.."
Another intro line for the world, brought to you this week by Flo Rida. I'm eating up the competition, folks. Balee dat, playa. Welcome back to yet another edition of Barack Obama's favorite wrestling column.. Hustle Is Posting Right Now. Even for you that aren't math wizards, that obviously makes me the columnist that didn't have a date to homecomin', cause I had your girl, naked, in my home, cummin'.. ya boy, Hustle, and I have just walked into the building once again. I'm not Will Smith, but I Am Legend. March is right around the corner, which means Spring Break is knocking on our doors, and for the big-time wrestling fan, it means that the biggest event of the year, WrestleMania, is knocking on our doors, as well. Either way, time is flying by, and because it costs me some good bank, I think it's about that time, so, uh.. shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!
When I first started watching wrestling, it was almost unheard of for people to root for what were known, back then, as "bad guys". This was back when kayfabe was still running wild, and long before sites such as this one reported backstage news and rumors. This was back when wrestling was more "real" than "fake", and when battle lines were clearer than anything Johnny Nash or Jimmy Cliff could've seen in their wildest dreams.
Even at a young age, I was slightly different (big shock, I know). I had no problems rooting for the "good guys", but there was just something about those "bad guys" that caught my attention. Maybe it was the fact that they were usually more colorful than their fan-friendly counterparts, either in the way they dressed, the promos they cut, or even the way they walked. I've always been into athletes that are more brash and cocky (as evidenced by my fandom towards the Miami Hurricanes football team, Deion Sanders, Randy Moss, Floyd Mayweather, and other athletes of that nature through the years), and it started with being a fan of Ric Flair, as I've mentioned on several occasions. He took the heel character, and he took it from "I wish that guy physical harm whenever he's on my screen" to "I wish I was that guy whenever he's on my screen".
Heels have come in all shapes and sizes, through the years, and have been portrayed as characters from all walks of life. We have all been witness to some classic heels, and some that just didn't have what it takes to be successful in that part of the business. Through it all, I've compiled what I feel is the finer points of what makes a truly great heel wrestler. I call them the "Ten Heel Commandments", and because I'm such a swell guy, I'm going to share them with you right here and now. To save even more of an argument than this will probably receive, I've decided to not rank these, and just deliver them in whatever order I feel like. Enjoy.
Thou Shalt Have No Remorse
Randy Orton's current "I.E.D." storyline brought this one to the forefront in the current era. A heel can't feel bad for any of the heel-ish things he does. Sympathy and remorse are things a face experiences, and when a heel deals with those particular emotions, he comes out of the situation looking bad. Orton will commit some dastardly deed one week, and appear to feel bad about it, only to brag about it the next week, where he commits another dastardly deed, which will be followed by looking like he feels bad, and so on and so forth. I realize that it's all a part of the "I.E.D." storyline, which will undoubtedly be exposed as a fraud somewhere down the line, but it still makes Orton look bad. This is a guy who used to have zero concern about the things he did, whether it was spitting in Mick Foley's face, attacking various wrestling legends, kicking John Cena Sr in the head, or anything else on his rap sheet. To go from that to what he is now is definitely a solid step back. I think back to when the Four Horsemen broke Dusty Rhodes' leg, and then basically threatened to break every other bone in his body if he tried to do anything about it. They weren't apologizing. They weren't out the next week saying "Golly gee, Dusty, we shouldn't have done that". They did whatever they wanted to do, and if you had a problem with it, they would deal with you next. The original nWo would be another example of this commandment. They ran through WCW like a hot knife through butter, and they kept doing it, week in and week out. Not once did they have to make excuses for it. Perhaps having that type of mindset is easier when you're part of a faction, but if you're looking for singles wrestlers to use that to their advantage, look no further than The Undertaker, who has, in one way or another, tried to kill people on multiple occasions, whether by human sacrifice, setting them on fire, or even embalming them alive. The thought of him appearing with his lawyers and doctors, saying his behavior is due to a medical condition he suffers from, is rather humorous. Obviously, there are more heels throughout history that have followed this rule, but I don't need to list them all to prove my point.
Examples: Four Horsemen.. nWo (original WCW version).. The Undertaker.. Vader.. Triple H
Thou Shalt Believe In Thy Self
What this means is that every good heel should believe, in their own mind, that what they're saying/doing is the right thing. I think back to somewhat recent times, and actor Will Smith got in trouble about a year or so ago for comments that he made about Adolf Hitler. He said that Hitler, in his own mind, believed that everything he was doing was the right thing to do, for the betterment of the German people. In essence, Hitler saw himself as a face, and he didn't just wake up one morning and ask himself what type of mischievous shit he could get himself into that day. People misinterpreted what Smith said, though, and made it like Smith was saying Hitler WAS right and was working for the betterment of the German people. I'm ranting once again, but that's the point I'm making.. a heel should think he's doing the right thing, as twisted and as evil as it is, and not just wake up one day and decide to be a troublemaker for that particular day. Chris Jericho's current heel run is a great example of this type of activity. His promos constantly speak on how he feels as if he's the only person walking the planet that isn't some sort of hypocrite, playing to the fans for a pop, etc. He's badmouthed dozens of people, from current superstars to legends, and has attacked people on a near-weekly basis.. all for what he feels is some sort of "greater good". Time and time again, he comes out and preaches his version of what is "right", and nobody has even come close to convincing him that his version isn't what is actually happening. Hell, a lot of what he's saying actually is happening, and that's a part of this commandment.. sometimes you'll get booed for being the one person that points out the ugly, unfortunate truth to the world, but in those situations, you need to stick to your guns, anyway. The correct way of thinking doesn't always end up being the most popular way of thinking.
Examples: Chris Jericho's current heel run.. Mick Foley's "Anti-Hardcore" run as Cactus Jack in the original ECW.. Age Of The Fall.. Bret Hart.. Hulk Hogan's initial reasoning for joining the nWo
Thou Shalt Have A Devastating Finisher
It sounds like a simple enough idea, but it doesn't always come across well in the finished product. A finishing move is, quite obviously, an important part of a wrestler getting over with fans, but the importance of a great finisher becomes magnified when it's being performed by a heel. One of the big exceptions to this has been Hulk Hogan's boot-legdrop combo. In kayfabe, it's a feared move because of the countless number of people he's beaten with it, but you'd never see it and yell out "holy shit" when it was over. He built that mystique up as a face, though, so that isn't what I'm referring to with this particular commandment. Whether it's an impact move, a top-rope move, or a submission move, a heel needs something for a face wrestler to fear and to avoid at all costs. Sure, it's a kayfabe-heavy way of thinking, but a little of that goes a long way in this day and age, with the smark fan going absolutely crazy. It doesn't hurt to slow things down a bit and just get yourself lost in the heart and soul of the pro wrestling story, which is "heel beats face, face gets revenge on heel, face stands victorious". The very essence of that is the heel having something that dominates people left and right, and it's tough to dominate when you're trying to finish a match with something like a bitchslap to the face.
Examples: Undertaker's Tombstone.. Yokozuna's Banzai Drop.. anything Vader did.. Mankind's Mandible Claw.. Ric Flair's Figure-Four Leglock
Thou Shalt Work With Cheap Heat
From as far back as I can remember, heels have made fun of various sports teams, athletes, celebrities, and politicians of the various cities they're performing in on any particular night. Your city's NFL team just finished with the worst record? Expect a heel to mention it in a promo. Your state's Governor just made a fool out of himself? A joke will, more than likely, be made about it. Hell, this can even be stretched to include cheap patriotic heat, with a foreign heel speaking negatively about America or whatever country he happens to be in at the time. It's such a powerful thing that you can be a face (or heel) in 99% of the world, and be treated completely different in a particular country because of patriotism, such as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin being the biggest and brightest star in the business everywhere on earth, except for Canada, where he was overwhelmingly hated due to his feud with Bret Hart and the rest of the Hart Foundation. Realistically, this is one of the easiest ways for a heel to get heat, but the good ones use it to add to their own existing heat, not to create heat from the ground up.
Examples: Santino.. Edge & Christian (during their tag run).. Shawn Michaels in Canada (while he was feuding with Bret Hart).. John Cena (wearing a jersey of every city's biggest rival while he was the "Basic Thuganomics" guy).. anybody who sings their country's national anthem in another country
Thou Shalt Rub It In
What I mean by that is the fact that the average person isn't happy with who they are, what they are, what they make, etc. It's pretty rare if you find someone who is perfectly content with every little thing in their life. A good heel can work on that fact and add to his or her own aura. Maybe they can be wealthier than you, better looking than you, be more athletic than you, or whatever else it takes, but they need to be better than you in one way or another. It's natural human instinct to dislike it when people rub success in their face. The quote "You like to see someone do well, but you don't like to see someone doing better than you" is true with people more often than not. That's actually pretty sad (Hi Haters), but it's the truth.
Examples: Ric Flair, pretty much any time that he's ever been a heel (shit, he's even like that as a face), and the rest of the Four Horsemen.. Triple H, especially during his feud against Booker T leading up to WrestleMania 19.. Ted DiBiase ("Million Dollar Man", not "Priceless").. "Ravishing" Rick Rude.. Chris Jericho, especially with his current character
Thou Shalt Be Calculated
Everything a heel does needs to be done for a reason. The things he says, the moves he performs in the ring, and even down to little things like the way he walks to the ring all need to be very deliberate and calculated. I don't think it works out for the best when a heel is ad-libbing a lot of things in the ring. It's something that works well for the face, but the heel should have a set plan of some sort, and be doing his best to follow through on that plan. This is probably a terrible example to use, but when Osama bin Laden wanted to rip the heart out of this country, he didn't do it by coming up with something at the last minute without really thinking it through. No, he masterminded an intricate plan and had it followed through on by countless people. Every little bit was mapped out to the final detail. Back to the wrestling world, that's what makes for a great heel. He has a plan to achieve whatever he's set out to achieve, and he tries to follow through on that plan to the final detail, as well. I like that way of thinking, even though I don't always follow it myself.
Examples: Arn Anderson.. Eddie Guerrero.. Triple H.. Jake "The Snake" Roberts.. The Undertaker
Thou Shalt Bend Rules
This is another one of those things that sounds simple enough, but it isn't always done. You're not a true heel if you don't try to obtain victories by any means necessary. Do you have to cheat at every possible moment? No. In fact, a great heel will be able to pick and choose the proper times to cheat, and won't have to do it very often during a match. Quality over quantity, as the saying goes. It doesn't matter if you use foreign objects, have outside interference, grab a handful of tights on a roll-up, put your feet on the ropes, get yourself counted out or disqualified on purpose to retain a title, or hit people in the crotch.. cheating is quite welcomed if you're going to be a heel.
Examples: Ric Flair.. Eddie Guerrero.. Bryan Danielson.. nWo.. Ted DiBiase (again, "Million Dollar Man", not "Priceless")
Thou Shalt Have Perfect Timing
I probably could've added this under "Thou Shalt Be Calculated", but this is my column, and I'll do what I want to (do what I want to, do what I want to). This is more along the lines of during promos, while the other one is focused more on the actual in-ring work. Right now, Chris Jericho is the absolute master of having perfect heel timing in his promos. He knows exactly when to take dramatic pauses for emphasis, when to pause so the crowd can boo or start chanting things, and even when to react using nothing but facial expressions and/or body language. Too many times, a heel will cut a promo, have a set list of things he needs to say during the promo, and just fire them off one after another without care for how the promo is flowing, how he's incorporating the crowd reaction into it, or anything along those lines.
Examples: Chris Jericho's current heel character.. The Rock.. Vince McMahon.. Eddie Guerrero.. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Thou Shalt Remember Thy Heelness
Sting, I'm looking in your direction. You're one of the only people in pro wrestling history that needs this commandment, even though it should be common sense beyond all common sense. You play to the crowd as if you never turned heel to begin with, and it makes you look absolutely ridiculous. Stop trying to steal the face pops from whatever face you're in the ring with and just be a fucking heel for once, will you? When you were the "surfer dude" Sting, the "OWWWWW" yell was cool, and it helped to hype up the crowds, but when you're "emo heel fuck" Sting, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to continue doing it.. and yet, you still do it. With the current implosion of the Main Event Mafia taking place at the moment, a face "turn" looks to be in the cards for your near future, just the way you apparently have wanted it all along. The way I want it is you retiring and not destroying whatever aura you have left.
Examples: Sting is the only person this commandment speaks to
Thou Shalt Get Thy Point Across Verbally
If you're a heel, the people need to know why you're a heel. This is the easiest and most to-the-point commandment for a heel to follow. If Wrestler A hates Wrestler B, we, the wrestling fans, would like to know what it is about Wrestler B that is making Wrestler A get his panties in a bunch. Get on the mic and tell people what's on your mind, Wrestler A. If you can't do that for one reason or another, have a manager or tag team partner that can do it for you. See how simple that is?
Examples: Any heel that has ever cut a promo
When you take a look at these commandments, it becomes crystal clear, at least in my view, that Chris Jericho is the best heel alive today. Some may argue that Vickie Guerrero is the actual holder of that title, and while she does get the loudest heel heat from live crowds on a weekly basis, it's not fair to call her the best heel, as she's only out there to cut promos, while Jericho cuts promos, works matches, attacks people, and anything else needed to further his own cause. He has the art of paying attention to details down to a science. If you've known me for the past few years, you'd know that I was never that big of a Jericho fan. I respected the hell out of his abilities and all that, but I just never saw what the big deal with him was. Right now, though, my opinion on the guy is almost completely different, and I give him all the credit in the world. There were times that he single-handedly carried the Raw brand during 2008, and he's shown no signs of slowing down thus far in 2009.
If you'd like to look at current face wrestlers and gauge who would make for a good heel, I'd give you the names of John Cena (who has a couple years worth of heel promos built up in his heart, I'm pretty sure), Kofi Kingston, Christian (obviously), and CM Punk. With Kofi, as I've mentioned before, it all depends on whether or not he gets some time to improve his mic skills, as he isn't exactly getting a whole lot of experience right now. I just figure that his heel persona could be almost completely the opposite of his current face persona.. not smiling much, incorporating more mat-based offense into his arsenal, not playing to the crowd, and having a different entrance theme. In no way, shape, or form am I saying Cena, Kofi, Christian, and Punk are going to turn heel at any time in the future. I'm simply saying that they'd make for good heels, for one reason or another.
Fin.
Writer's Note: After watching No Way Out once again, I have a slight change to make in my match ratings from last week's column. The WWE Title Elimination Chamber didn't hold up in its second viewing, while the EC for the World Title improved after being watched again. Originally, I gave the WWE Title match 4.25 stars, and the World Title match 3.75 stars, but I'd like to switch those numbers now. I found that I just wasn't into watching the WWE Title EC as much just now, and that it dragged in too many places. Why I didn't really notice that on first viewing, I have no idea, but it flowed nicely a week ago. I'm also starting to give up on Vladimir Kozlov, at least for the time being. He puts on his worst performances in his biggest matches, and that's a gigantic problem when you're trying to push a wrestler towards the top of your company the way it appears Vince McMahon is doing with Kozlov. Maybe it's still nerves on his part, but whatever it is, I hope he can solve the problem, because I still think he can be a valuable asset as a heel in the company. I still think he should be moved over to ECW, though, as they need a "monster heel" other than Mark Henry to run roughshod for a while.
Writer's Note Part Deux: There are different factoids and bits of information that, when you hear/read them for the first time, you do a double-take and see if it's actually true. I had one of those moments about 20 minutes ago when browsing Wikipedia. At No Way Out, Edge's World Heavyweight Title victory now gives him a total of eight World Title reigns altogether. To put this into a tiny bit of perspective, John Cena and Randy Orton have a total of seven World Title reigns. COMBINED. The stat that really caught me off-guard is that Edge now has twice as many World Title reigns as Shawn Michaels. That's one of those factoids that you don't usually think about, but when you finally do take notice of it, you're blown away by it. I bring this up for those of you that have no problem with how often Edge wins World Titles. Sure, a lot of it has to do with the fact that the wrestling community, both with the wrestlers and the fans, is considerably different now than it was during the "Attitude Era", the "Hulkamania Era", and any other era the business has seen. Titles change hands more often now than they used to. I understand that, but it means very little, in my opinion, when you can't hold a title for very long before you lose it again. People shit on Rey Mysterio's title reign because he wasn't able to hold on to the belt for very long, and that's the same reason people like Chris Benoit and CM Punk had their own title reigns belittled by various people who think of themselves as "experts". A lot of those people, however, are at the very front of Edge's bandwagon, unable to see that his title reigns are coming across as hollow as a Bow Wow song. Is Edge good at what he does? Of course he is. I'd be a fool if I said otherwise. Those title reigns, however, are ridiculous and are holding him back from achieving a higher status level in this particular era in pro wrestling.
Writer's Note Part Ekolu: I originally wasn't going to rant on this subject.. again.. but I've received numerous e-mails over the last couple of weeks involving this subject, so I'll just throw it in here really quickly. Some of my readers have contacted me with their reasons for disliking John Cena, and right at the top of people's lists (in fact, it's included on every list I've received thus far) is something along these lines: "I hate Cena because he tries to cut funny promos, but they aren't funny like The Rock used to do.", etc etc etc blah blah blah. Look, folks.. if you really hate a wrestler because he isn't as funny as The Rock was, what the fuck point do you even have to continue watching? That just means you hate every single person you see, and that's just not normal behavior. Some of you are fans of Triple H, even though he's not as funny as The Rock was. Some of you are fans of Shawn Michaels, and the same goes for him. The list goes on and on. This is what I was referring to when I said that the reasons you choose for disliking Cena are full of shit. You hold him to different standards as anyone else in wrestling, which is funny, sad, and ridiculous all at the same time. You're just blindly searching for reasons to tell people, when you'd be better off by using "just because" as the reason you don't root for the guy. Seriously, people, the subject is getting old already. Just be honest with yourselves.
Writer's Note Part Quattro: I wanted to get this prediction out there before other people start jumping in with their own WrestleMania predictions, but I'm going to say this right now.. Rey Mysterio is my pick to win this year's edition of Money In The Bank, ladies and gentlemen. It's his reward for some of the amazing performances he's been putting on recently. He had a really good 2008 calendar year, and he's off to a ridiculously good start in 2009, so I think that roll will continue in Houston with his victory. Now, I sit back, wait, and see what pops off in the next few weeks. Don't forget where you first saw this predicted. Honestly, I can't believe I just predicted that. We might see Rey Mysterio as a World Champion again, people. Let that one sink in for a little while.
Writer's Note Part Go: Just a quick note to anybody who has e-mailed me within the last few weeks.. for some reason, my Gmail account is acting up, and it doesn't always allow me to respond to your feedback. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't, but there's no way of telling when it'll work. If you have e-mailed me in the last few weeks or so, but haven't received a reply from me, this is the reason why. I've read every one of them, though, and am working on the replies whenever I get the chance to do so, as long as your e-mail isn't irrelevant at this point due to the time it has taken me to respond.
Writer's Note Part VI: Ladies and gentlemen, the next people who will be hailed as "America's Best Dance Crew" are.. Quest Crew. No, it hasn't been announced officially yet, and won't be until March 5th, but fuck the fuckin fuck, those guys absolutely tore it apart last night on the next-to-last episode of the season. They now head to the season finale against the all-girl crew, Beat Freaks, in a Boys VS Girls winner-take-all battle. Quest's performance last night, though, was one of the dopest dance performances I've seen in a long, long time, and you could say that about either one of their two performances on the show. Quest Crew in '09. As a wise man recently said on Facebook.. Boys Rule, Girls Drool.
Writer's Note Part Sieben: For those of you who are PS3 owners and like to play online, look me up under the tag of HustleLOP if you'd like to challenge me in Street Fighter 4 or Madden 09. In a week or so, when the game comes out, add MLB 09 to that list of games you can challenge me in, but for now, it's SF4 and Madden. Because he'd like some new people to face, as well, go ahead and also search for C-Pak69 (aka "C" of HIPRN fame), but he's only on Street Fighter 4, so plan accordingly. One more thing.. because I was late to the online gaming party, I missed out on a lot this past season, but damnit, I want in on any LoP-related Madden leagues that take place for the next few months, and also for when Madden 10 is released. I also want in on any LoP-related MLB leagues that are put together. Make it happen, people.
What Hustle Is Listening To Right Now: "Look What I Got" by Playaz Circle & Ludacris.. "Blind" by KoRn.. "What It Do" by Paul Wall, Chamillionaire, & 50/50 Twin.. "True (Remix)" by Paul Wall, Chamillionaire, & 50/50 Twin.. "Welcome To Heartbreak" by Kanye West & Kid Cudi.. "Throw It Up" by Ludacris, Lil Wayne, & Busta Rhymes.. "Been Puttin On" by Ludacris.. "Still Spittin" by Ludacris.. "We Ain't Worried About You" by Ludacris.. "Sho' Nuff Revisited" by Ludacris & Lil Fate.. "Angel" by Jon Secada.. "Who Do You Tell" by Tamia.. "I Luv Your Girl" by The Dream.. "300 Bars N Runnin" by The Game.. "Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson.. "Wait & Bleed" by Slipknot.. "How I Could Just Kill A Man" by Cypress Hill.. "Lost" by Gorilla Zoe & Lil Wayne.. "Still A Bitch" by Lil Troy.. "Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?" by The Offspring.. "I Will Be" by Leona Lewis.. "All I Want" by Staind.. "Tangled Up In You" by Staind.. "Day N Nite" by Kid Cudi.. "Pose" by Daddy Yankee.. "You" by Jesse Powell.. "Cupid" by 112.. "Alone" by Heart (shout-out to Allison Iraheta).. "I Can't Make It Home" by Devin The Dude & LC.. "Lost Boys" by Notorious BIG & Lil Wayne.. "Those That Are Dead" by Joe Budden & Coldplay.. "Breathe" by The Prodigy.. "Fly" by Sugar Ray & Super Cat.. "If You Could Only See" by Tonic.. "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie
Locked. Loaded. Ready to spray the streets. Another edition of HIPRN is in the chamber. Thanks for riding with me for another week. We're continuing our ride towards world domination, so hop on board now, while you still can. Next week, in this spot, I'll be doing.. well, I don't actually know what I'll be doing next week, but I'll have it all figured out by the time next Friday rolls around, so keep your peepers peepin for that. Until then, make sure you keep your swag level turned all the way to the right at all times. From the land of $10 gallons of milk, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa.
”I'm exceedin expectations, you barely meetin quota.. I give it to em straight, you cut it with baking soda..”
"I don't walk in fear. I walk as fear."
"See, that's the difference between you and I.. you get money, and you get crazy.. I get crazy, and I get money..”
