Posted in: The Classic Paper Review Smarks Court - Case #004 - The People vs XanMan - Hogan good for TNA?
By Mazza & Joe
Nov 17, 2009 - 4:16:35 AM
A Notorious P.I.G. Production
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome back for another edition of Smarks Court, I am your host, Mazza but Uncle Joe is "unfortunately" indisposed this week. I tell you this, it has been an absolutely crazy fortnight since the last court session. After Joe and I finished our mass debate, we packed Plan in a suitcase and hopped on a plane to Amsterdam. I don't think there could be a more appropriate name for a city as the next week saw numerous "Damn's!" and yes, a hamster as well (Sorry Plan, I know I promised not to mention your Richard Gere moment but I couldn't help myself). Anyway, long story short, a week later I was on the plane back to LOPland but this time I was flying solo. Plan is recovering from surgery in the Medisch Centrum Jan van Goyen and the last time I saw Joe, he was dancing in a shop window with some pretty red lights flashing overhead. The irony of it all is that the mission was a total failure. After a heavy night partying with Doc Monk, Roman and some dude called Cock Fernando, we lost the good Doctor again and have not seen him since. There was a rumour circulating that he had surfaced in Florida but during my brief stop over there, there was no sight nor sound of him. In the whole backlash, Doc even gave up his main page career to try and get away from the Court but that just isn't going to fly with us. You hear that Doc, we will find you. Fortunately this week I have an LOP legend to grill so the Monkey's case can wait. Before I get to the new though, I guess I should deal with the old. As expected the last case was a total walkover with Joe and his buddy The Miz hardly getting a vote. Here is an example of a bit of feedback which really seemed to capture the tone of how much the IWC agrees with me:
By Dan H
I guess it is only right though that we head over to the courtroom for the official reading.
The People Versus Mazza - The Verdict
Mazza: Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with Judge Plan currently lying flat on his belly in a Dutch hospital and the prosecution likely turning tricks in the Amsterdam red light district, I have no choice to announce a mistrial. It pains me to say this as 97% of the votes were in favour of my acquittal but I have to follow procedure. I would however like to thank the jury for their almost unanimous support on this issue, John Morrison for giving me an easy case and Tony and Vito in Miami for there help whilst I was down there. Now, as for Joe, this means that I get to hand out some more punishment. This time he will be forced to change his forums username to Uncle Homo JoeMoe for three months and address me as "my hero" in every post. Well with that rapped up I guess it is time to start...
You cocksucker. . .
SON OF A BIATCH!
Trying to skimp out on back-to-back losses eh? I should kill you right now, but then we'd not have a column, so yeah.
I don't understand what you are talking about Joe. All the votes are here, just accept your defeat like a man for once in your life.
I don't understand what's so hard about saying you lost . . . back-to-back. It takes a big man to stand up for his beliefs, and an even bigger man to admit his defeats. You sir, have made me feel much regret in taking you to trial, because my views of you are forever changed.
Oh, your views have changed? What do you want me to do, go and cry in the corner like Plan did in the Coffeeshop El Guapo? I got more votes than you, accept it.
I don't want to hear it Mazza. You dragged me to Amsterdam, and I didn't see not one dam or one fucking Amster beer. Sure, it was fun defecating on Plan's suitcase, but you left me to die. Ok, you left me in De Club De Ubscheur Snauche under the DJ booth, but still. You took my damned plane ticket; do you know the favors I had to do to get back? In a totally unrelated matter, snails get very violent when you wave your genitalia in front of their faces. Or wherever their eyes are.
I am very sad for you, but there was no way I was letting a legend like Roman Polanski rot in a Dutch prison. I had to sell your ticket to bail him out. Motherfucker survived the Holocaust you know? But Joe, enough about that, it is time to accept your punishment.
But AHA! On my way back from The Dam, I had to take a flight to Florida as a switch route, and by an off shoot chance, found some very interesting things: lost votes. You (inexplicably) printed the emails we got that were in my favor, laminated them (?), put them in a water proof suitcase and plunged them into a shallow pond down in Miami. Very perplexing, and very stupid, as I not only easily found them, but they're as fresh as a white teacher with a Latino boy in the class.
Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have laminated them. Okay, hands up, I lost whilst you and The Miz took a staggering 63% of the vote.
Because I am Uncle Joe, and I'm AWESOME.
By Sam
That was kind of the moral of the story this week. I had the easier job but you sold it a lot better. Anyway Joe, as a result of your victory, you are cleared of all charges from Case #001. You are free to post anywhere you want and you are also free to leave the court whenever you want. I have to say though, it would be great if you could stay on. I can't steer this ship alone and we still need to find Doc Monk.
You gonna cry now? I'll stay just enough to toughen you up, because you might as well tuck your dick in between your legs and rub peanut butter ll over your body; cause you ain't a man. Youse a coward. And I need a bit of cash; sneakers are expensive ya know.
Does everything boil down to money? Okay, we will discuss the terms of your contract later but now we have to take care of business.
I almost got away with it but unfortunately, I have been found guilty which means that Joe's previous conviction has been overturned. I guess now that is over, it is time to get back to business. Today we bring probably the most respected guy in the CF to trial. He is best known for his Northern Star and Excuse the Aggravation columns but it his recent 7 Things daily series that has bought up the reason why he is here today. With a thought a day it is pretty easy for the court to find it's next victim and what caught our eye with Xan was his column on Hulk Hogan being good for TNA. So it is now time to head over to Judge Joe in the courtroom for...
Case #004 - The People Versus XanMan
Judge Joe: The Man of Xan, you are charged with believing that the Hulkster will be a good thing for TNA, how do you pleadeth?
XanMan: How do I plead? You, sir, are clearly guilty of color infringement. I've been red on this site for six years now, but you come in with your big frilly coat and your awful powdered wig...yum, is that sugar?--and think you can do whatever you like? Hell, you've got me relegated to helix's old color! Well, I won't have it, I tell you!
Um, you screwed me out of the Hardcore Title that one time down in Kalamazoo, and then my rematch down the line. Oh sorry, I was simultaneously writing a column where I was the ghost of Crash Holly and I'm haunting Molly Holly. But back to the color, I'll give you the color red, but to coerce you into feeling better, here's some booger sugar.
Thank goodness. That's better. Speaking of ingredients, any lawyer worth his salt would've been able to get this case thrown out due to the prosecution's case having absolutely no physical evidence and an extreme amount of speculation...
DA Mazza: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, TIME OUT! Joe, maybe this guy is too oldschool, I think we better watch our step here or we could end up being sued for real. Xan, if you go all Lance Storm on us again, we will take action. You may be senior guy around here but if forced too, we will slap you silly.
Xan: It'll take a lot more than the two of you to strike Xan silly. In the interest of saving the court's valuable time, I'll not make a motion to dismiss, nor to suppress, as I feel this matter can be resolved quite easily in one session. Your honor, my plea is this: "No way in hell am I guilty."
Joe: An emphatic statement to say the least, but a statement nonetheless. Xan, you are now up to bat.
There's no question that Hulk Hogan is the biggest name in the history of professional wrestling, is there? That being the case Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is going to get an immediate publicity benefit just from him signing with them. Short of buying World Wrestling Entertainment outright, there's nothing else that they could do that would get them the mainstream publicity that signing Hulk Hogan has now. TNA wasn't exactly an organization that many people had heard of, despite a few of their events being featured on ESPN. So, the Hulkster has already drawn them some publicity and put at least a small ball into their court. <--Good Thing!
Hogan is bringing Eric Bischoff with him and if he is truly coming to, as he says, "Teach the young kids what this business is about," their combined presence and experience brings a lot to the table. TNA is nowhere near ready to compete with WWE; to say that adding Hogan bridges the gap between the promotions enough that the two can go head-to-head is dumdum talk. Still, Bischoff does know something about running a wrestling promotion...and later running it into the ground. The thing about both Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo is that they need checks and balances. They tried that for a few months in WCW, but it was already chaos, nothing worked, and the promotion ended up sinking. That doesn't mean it will happen here. It's been the better part of a decade since that debacle happened, though, and both men are older and hopefully wiser.
Besides, they've got a buffer here when they didn't before in Dixie Carter. I wouldn't trust the Vince Russo of the past to book my wrestling company, and I wouldn't trust the Eric Bischoff of the past to run my finances, but they both do have some knowledge of the business, both have had good ideas, as well as bad, and I think a gelling will occur. How soon and how solidly? No way to tell, but both guys have been burned by WWE, both want to prove that they have what it takes to succeed in the wrestling business, so I think both will be driven to work together to create the best product. The question is what they think is best for the company, and I'll come out and state on the record right here that I don't think Bischoff and Hogan are coming in to take over.
I watched Hogan's interview on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and I'll tell you what, that guy was a different Hulk Hogan than I've seen before. He wasn't the Hogan from the 80's and early 90's, he wasn't Hollywood Hogan, he wasn't Mr. America, he wasn't the sarcastic father and husband from Hogan Knows Best, nor was he the host of American Gladiators, and he damned sure wasn't Thunderlips. No, this Hulk Hogan looked like a broken man who was still trying to sound confident that he had something left to offer. Rumors are that Hogan needs the money. Some say TNA needs Hogan more than Hogan needs money. I don't buy that at all.
However, they do need each other. TNA needs Hogan for what they're already getting--free press. Hogan needs TNA so that he can show the "little Hulksters" that he's still the hero they grew up watching, even while he's working to pay bills that say he ain't. Do I think Hogan's going to job his ass off? No. Do I think Hogan's going to help a whole bunch of guys look like stars in the next 18 months? I do. They can sell 12 PPV's on dream matches alone starting with Kurt Angle(the rematch,) Sting(again,) AJ Styles, Matt Morgan, Samoa Joe, and Mick Foley. Just those six guys are half a year. If anyone thinks Hogan won't be good for TNA, I just have one more thing to say. The guy that "crippled" their biggest star just aired a match last week on national television for another promotion. I'm rooting for TNA, I really am, but if there's a way out of the hole they've dug for themselves by constantly pressing the red "RESET" button, Hogan is at the very least the vanguard.
Hm, very interesting concepts and arguments there. Mazza, you are now next or something.
I am going to keep this very simple, I just cannot see how a Hogan-TNA partnership will make any impact (excuse the pun) into Vinnie Mac's dominance. It is almost 2010 for crying out loud. Now the Hulk Hogan of 1990, there is a money maker. The problem is that the target audience today for pro-wrestling is kids who could care less about Hogan. But never mind, what does not appeal to kids is likely to appeal to the smarks right? Wrong! I have a lot of respect for what Hogan has done for the business (which is more than can be said for a lot of the IWC) but even I have absolutely no interest in seeing him on TV any more. Let's face it, if the likes of Sting, Nash and Hogan couldn't defeat the WWE 10 years ago, how on earth are they going to make waves in Stamford now that they are all in their 50s.
There is of course always the hope of a short term gain but even this is questionable. I now present Exhibit A:
This man was arguably the best in the business when he left WWE for TNA. Sure he was a little beaten up and had his painkiller issues but even someone as relevant as Kurt Angle could hardly make a ripple in the TNA ratings. Now I said that even a short term gain is questionable. In fact this was one of the rare times where I was interested in watching Total Nonstop Action due to how much of a fan I was of Kurt, but it was not too long until I returned to my exclusive viewing of the WWE. It is reported that the segment of Impact where the Hogan announcement was made had the lowest rating for the show. That does not look good for a start and I doubt that there will be much of a rise when the yellow and red return.
Of course there is always Hogan's great reputation, that has to count for something right, I mean the guy was the posterboy for pro-wrestling for years. I am afraid that is another strike out. Woopdy-fucking-do, TNA will now be able to sign Ed Leslie and The Nasty Boys a lot more easily. I do not believe for a second that if TNA were interested in any of Hogan's followers that they would not have been able to sign them, even without signing Hulk. Anyone else that they will be able to bring in will purely because of the fact that they need work. And you can forget the Hulkster convincing anyone worthwhile from the WWE to jump ship. He has hardly covered himself in glory in his recent years in the company with influential guys like Orton, Hunter and Michaels all having jobbed to the old man. Nobody in their right mind would think that TNA would succeed where WCW failed years ago by going the same route.
The name recognition that comes with Hogan may generate an a slight initial increase in people checking in but I am pretty sure that once they have settled their curiosity, they will be gone again just as quickly. The only way that Hogan can bring success to TNA is behind the scenes and I seriously doubt that he has turned into a booking genius overnight, his ego would never allow that. He has never been a man to happily put someone over and in the long term, it could further. The inconsistent booking of the cornerstones of the company like AJ Styles and Samoa Joe, has been bad enough already and they could end up knocking on Vince's door.
I have no doubt that Mr Bischoff can do something good for the company and I am sure he is shrewd enough to have learned from past mistakes and his time in the WWE. The problem is that there are just way too many egos in the company. I doubt that even Vince could kee the combined egos of the likes of Easy E, Hogan, Russo, Angle and Nash in check, let alone have them all pushing in the same direction. I too believe Hogan needs the money right now but I also believe that his ego is so inflated, any attempt to just hold down a steady pay check and not rock the boat will quickly be put aside.
Now I before I hand back to Judge Joe, I have to seriously question the character of the defendant. What kind of sick dreams does he have? When I say dream match, I think of Rock-Michaels or Angle-Hart, now let us do a little dream analysis on Xan. Hogan-Angle? Maybe in a "Who can have the most embarrassing divorce match". Still, Russo has booked worse. Sting-Hogan? I too am in my 30s (well I will be in a couple of months) and can't let go but this does not appeal to me in the slightest. Hogan-Foley? That just screams trainwreck. Hogan-Morgan? Ah nostalgia, Hulkamania brings down a monster, that will put the butts on the seats. Now as for AJ and Joe, the only way these matches or feuds will have any success will be the young guns are put over in a very convincing passing of the torch (see Hogan-Rock at WM18) fashion. Even then, to call them dream matches is a major, major stretch. Now that's off my chest, I shall hand back to Jizz-O.
Damn, very good counter points to Xan's still strong arguments. Although let it be stricken from the records that Kurt Angle is among the best at anything other than beating women.
Exactly how do we know that Hogan hasn't always been a booking genius? He's always had the wisdom to cast aside any ideas that he saw were going to be a challenge to his success, right? No, that doesn't automatically mean that he will come up with fantastic ideas on his own, but I don't expect that he'll have to. I do think he'll do some work behind the scenes, and it's not unthinkable that he will adapt a similar role to the one that Nash has, in terms of helping young guys learn the ropes. As I said, the Hogan that was on Jimmy Fallon was not the same Hogan we've seen in the past. He's a different guy now, and if he's not he's doing a pretty damn good snow job acting like it.
As far as Kurt Angle goes, I'd like to have some of what the prosecution is smoking. I've never considered Angle to be the best wrestler in the world, and even if he was, so what? That isn't what we're talking about here. Yeah, Angle is--to date--the biggest star to leave WWE and come work for TNA, so what? He doesn't have the name recognition throughout the world that Hogan does and never will. Just hearing the name "Hulk Hogan" causes people to turn their heads, similar to Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, and the Rolling Stones. An icon is an icon and will always draw attention; hence my use of the term "dream match."
Do I really want to see all those matches? Not necessarily, but if they are built up well--something Bischoff and Hogan are excellent at--they can draw big money for TNA, while giving exposure to the young guys on the card. That's the idea; to bring 'em in with the big names they've heard of and leave 'em impressed and wanting more of the guys they haven't seen before such as, again, AJ, Joe, Morgan, Hernandez, McGuinness, etc. So, why not lead off with something like Hogan/Angle, Hogan/Sting, or Hogan/Foley to draw interest of casual fans until they want to see the new guard against their boyhood hero? To further your quite original metaphor, Mazza, sure, those matches may end up being trainwrecks, but you know what the thing about trainwrecks is? People tend to not be able to take their eyes off them, and even crash their own cars as a result. In other words, Hogan fans may tune in to see him, but end up sticking around for more in spite of themselves.
The prosecution, ladies and gentlemen, tells you that Hogan's segment being the lowest viewed on the Impact! upon which his press conference aired is proof that the general public doesn't care. I say, nay, the 1.3 rating--which, I believe, is the company's highest to date for a taped Impact!--proves that the general public was interested in seeing Hogan, but some already hardcore TNA fans turned off their televisions in a) Disgust at the truncated main event or b) Had seen what they wanted to see and had no interest in Hogan. Neither of these things matter a wit. A TNA fan isn't going to not buy a PPV just because Hogan's on it, and someone interested in Hogan may still buy a ticket or a PPV to see Hogan do his schtick; assuming, of course, that he is a television personality and/or wrestling.
Either way, I don't think Hogan's there to do what he did in WWE or WCW. I think he's there to make money, help the organization, have a few non-title headlining feuds, and help the youngsters learn the ropes. In other words, I believe what he's saying this time. I think he wants people to remember him fondly and this is likely his last shot. Thank you.
Fuck all y'all, you make me want to throw this bad boy out and have you both in the dock for the Angle hate. It is a minor point but what I was saying is that a 2006 Kurt is more relevant to wrestling than a 2009 Hogan. Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, and the Rolling Stones may all be legends but it is LeBron James, (okay, Tiger can stay), Zac Efron, Johnny Depp and Coldplay that are getting the job done today. Whereas Xan's list of guys have done a lot more in history, my list is full of people who get the job done now, in 2009. As much as we might not like it, the kids are what drives this industry. I doubt there are many IWC members who developed their love for wrestling whilst legally sipping on a beer. Hogan may have been the biggest draw in the history of pro-wrestling and may have had the biggest name recognition but the fact is, right now, that title belongs to John Cena, and it is the now that brings in the bucks.
As I said earlier, the older generation may tune it out of curiosity for a quick look at Hogan in the same way traffic slows down for a minute when people try and take a glimpse whilst driving by a car crash, but they will soon be off speeding down the motorway again as they have something else to do. The best that will happen is a slight temporary ratings increase that will soon come crashing back down, and that is with good booking. Hogan maybe going into this thing with the best of intentions but if you seriously think that an iconic legend of a leopard like the Hulkster is going to change his spots well into his 50's, then you have another think coming. If egos do begin to clash, it could get ugly and I am sure that Vince will be waiting to pick up the pieces (and the "relevant" talent).
For me, Xan's whole argument is based on Hogan's work 15 to 25 years ago and the hope that he will leave some of his past bad traits behind him. I just do not see that happening. I, for one, will not start tuning into TNA because of Hogan and I do not think there is anything that he can do that will change that. Hogan is just no longer the performer, or the draw that he was before and if TNA thinks that this will help them get any closer to the WWE, they are going to end up thoroughly disappointed. The defence rests.
Hm, my nuts itch something fierce.
Much better. Anyways, Mazza made some good points: John Cena is there here and now, and it is perplexing to think his stuff from many years ago can fuel TNA now. Xan also makes a very good point: it's still Hulk Hogan. Me personally . . . what's TNA? Anyway, Their fate is in your chubby, Cheeto-encrusted fingers. Who will lose? Again, up to you. Hm, Jay Leno is following me on Twitter. Awesome.
And another one bites the dust. Remember, it is your civic duty as a member of the Internet Wrestling Community to have your say on Xan's destiny. If you think that signing Hogan will be a good bit of business for TNA, vote not guilty. If however you thing that Hogan is not going to have any significant impact on Impact!, vote guilty. You can send me your verdict at smarkscourt@live.com or alternatively send me PM at the forums or post your verdict in my feedback thread. Your comments and feedback are also very much welcome and if you know of anyone that should be put on trial, send their names my way and they just might find themselves in the dock explaining their actions. We will be back in two weeks with the verdict and a new case and in the meantime we will be hunting down THE MONKEY. As usual, we have been Mazza and Uncle Joe and Smarks Court is now adjourned.
