Posted in: The Classic Paper Review Smarks Court - Case #002 - The People vs Plan - Randy, Awesome or Boreton?
By Mazza
Oct 20, 2009 - 2:57:48 AM
A Notorious P.I.G. Production
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome back for the second edition of Smarks Court, I am you host and the man charged with bringing people to justice, Mazza. I am happy to say that we received plenty of feedback and reaction to Uncle Joe's case and while the verdict may not come as a surprise, it was not the total walkover that it could have been. I would like to thank everybody who took the time to deliver their verdict, this concept can only work with your participation. Now before we get to the official verdict reading, I would to showcase some of the comments that we have received.
There were those who thought Joe should be hanged, drawn and quartered:
By Chris C
There were those that could see where Joe was coming from:
By Turnsy
And there were also those who seemed to take a rather interesting position in the middle ground
By Rev G from Scotland
There was certainly an interesting mix of views and I will let you all in on a little secret, Joe actually has a new boyfriend after the feedback session. The guy delivered an emphatic "guilty" verdict, even going so far as to call Joe an idiot but a few lovey dovey emails later, he changed his mind. So here is a big shout out to J.P. and to new love. Well I think I have rambled on enough here. Lets go live (well, you know what I mean) to the Court Room.
The People Versus Uncle Joe - The Verdict
Judge Mazza: The verdict is in...
Uncle Joe: Yo Rev G., pray for a nigga man.
Uncle Joe, you have been found GUILTY of hating on HBK by a jury of your peers. It was not a unanimous decision but only 31% of the IWC voted in your favour. Is there anything you would like to say before the sentence is handed down?
I got a surprise for every nigga and bitch that emailed their votes; I got your IP and I will show up to your house and fuck your mother. If she's not there, then your grandmother.
DA Mazza: Well that is not very nice. Your honour, although the Defendant is clearly guilty, he did make some interesting points in his defence. I would like a word with you, if possible, before the sentence is handed down.
Very well.
*Judge Mazza and DA Mazza deliberate (schizophrenia for the win!)*
Uncle Joe, after a good word was put in by the prosecution, I hereby sentence you to 25 years to life in a high security...
You see this badge? We security. We not just any security; we top flight security of the world, Craig.
The state pen will be a much better place to quote your ghetto movies. The inmates are gonna be having some fresh salad to toss tonight. Get that jelly and syrup ready Joe.
ORDER! Sorry, just fucking with you Joe. You are sentenced to 300 hours of community service. In addition, you are also banned from posting further shit in the columns forum for 30 days. Is there anything you would like to say before we proceed with the next case?
I think the sentencing is pure haberdashery, and those who have not foreseen the glaring error in their decision will get their come-up-ins in due time. Yes, and the deaf shall not weep, the mute shant run into the frame, the blind will not echo the sentiments of what has transpired on this day, the day of my sentencing. For those who have seen and have beckoned to the call of the light, I salute you; godspeed. For all the others, the fiery inferno awaits us all my dear chaps; I hope you brought your bloody sunblock.
Well there you have it. Uncle Joe has been found guilty as sin and seemingly gone stark raving mad in the process. For our next case I would like to welcome 'Plan to the courtroom. Plan is a very talented writer but often finds himself the victim of internet bullying. Before you start feeling sorry for the guy, please note that he brings this all on himself. I mean for one, every single thing he posts in the forums is in pink. His excuse for this is that he is a big Bret Hart mark but the rest of us have our doubts. Plan is also known for having the occasional "way out there" view on wrestling. The fact is, he could be in the dock for any number of charges. However, if you are a reader of my Current Paper Review column and Plan's Just Business, you will know that we have very different opinions when it comes to the current WWE Champion. I think the guy is boring as hell right now and definitely needs a character change fast. Plan on the other hand things that Randy is on fire right now and has expertly mastered his craft. A final note before we start, it is noted in Rule 35 of Appendage B, sub section 3 that a Judge may not serve consecutive days if the basis of trials were to differ. So I in turn, hand this over to one of my esteemed colleagues, and a man of much integrity, to judge the trial of Plan. Smarks Court is now in session with...
Case #002 - The People Versus 'Plan
Judge Joe: Hey bitches....How do you plead?
What? Were you expecting Judge Judy?
DA Mazza: Joe, what the fuck are you doing in that seat? I thought I sentenced you already?
Well, it turns out that a lot of what the state offers in public service requires trivial things like being able to read, and do math and whatever. So they sent me here. So back to you Plan, you are charged with stating that Randy Orton has expertly mastered his craft since rising to true main event status, how do you plead?
Plan: I plead the fifth of Jack your honour. ...I don't know how that makes sense but I heard it on Family Guy once and thought I'd steal it.
So you want to jack me? No thanks. This is how it goes; you either plead innocent or guilty. So what it'd be 'Plan?
I have just realized I have made a big mistake. Plan is going to go on and on here and send everyone to sleep, just like he does in the block on a daily basis. Joe, it is too late to get a replacement? BoxCar is usually hanging around with not much to do.
Fine. I guess I can plead not guilty, but let it be known ladies and gentlemen of the jury that DA Mazza has started to get personal even before I have made my case; does that, my jury of admirable peers, not indicate he knows this to be a losing battle? I think that it does.
Ok you two, calm down a bit. Mazza, cool it on the insults, and 'Plan; pull your skirt down, it's embarrassing.
Let’s get on with this shall we? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to direct your attention to Exhibit A.
Now you may be wondering what this infamous Austin promo has to do with the issue at hand. Allow me to elaborate. More specifically, allow me to direct your attention to 2:26. “They say you are what you eat; in WCW they didn’t feed me nothing but garbage, so I let myself become garbage!”
On the one hand with Exhibit B you have garbage; a roided up barely able to move big man who, if it were not for his stint in Evolution, would have quickly faded away due to his distinct lack of technical and charismatic proficiency; when paired with Orton in a rushed feud clearly not thought out? Garbage.
On the other hand with Exhibit C you have talent; a star touted as a future mega-draw with talent and genetics difficult to rival, now in the midst of a well thought out and slowly developed growing feud with Randy Orton; the result, when paired together in their first EVER match…completely unfamiliar with one another’s way of carrying themselves in the ring? Picture perfect timing, great storytelling and writing the textbook on keeping in character; in short, utter brilliance.
The criticisms today being levelled at Orton can not be attributed to Orton. Orton is talented; that much is clear as Exhibit C shows. As Exhibit A claims, you are what you eat and I have proven here with my third piece of evidence that in the proper situation, when his character is booked correctly, something more or less entirely out of his hands as we all know my honourable peers, Orton not only shines, he blinds. You can call the booking around him dull, uninspiring and boring. You can level criticisms at the character he has been told to portray. But you can not blame Orton for a damn thing. If anything, your claims of him being the things his character demand of him shows just how good he is; he has you all nailing him to a stake because you believe he is something he isn’t. Is that not in itself a testament to his skill? All I ask is for the criticisms be levelled at the proper targets.
Thank you 'Plan, you may now step down, and will th--
I’m not done yet your honour. Did I tell you your sneakers rock by the way? Just thought I’d add that, not that I would attempt to curry favour with the court your honour. I digress.
Thanks dude, I try and stay distinct with my sneakers. Sometimes I get the ones everyone wears, but I mostly like to get the unique shi-- wait, 'Plan, you're from England. You call them trainers over there, not sneakers. You're either sucking up or you're not English. Major points on your behalf either way. Continue, or are you finished?
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to make a plea to your hearts and minds. I stand here not as a man desperately trying to cling to some vestige of misplaced belief. I stand here today as a man who, in truth, has not been a fan of the recent feud between Orton and Cena, a man whose faith in Orton has been shaken in recent months. Has it disappeared? By no means. But unlike the DA here, I am not so impatient, nor so impetuous, as to demand nothing short of perfection from someone who has been fed, for 9 months now, nothing but garbage.
Or perhaps his title reign at the close of 2007 and opening of 2008, as far as I was aware praised nigh universally, never happened.
Don't ever cut me off. 'Plan, you may now step off the stand. DA Mazza, you're up.
Well what a load of tripe that was. First things first, whatever Austin 2:26 or 3:16 says is not necessarily gospel. Exhibit A has no place in this trial as far as I am concerned and I ask the judge that it is stricken from the records.
You could have just explained it without making watch the shit again 'Plan; let the records show that Exhibit A is now stricken from the . . . records. You may proceed, Mazza.
Onto exhibit B, I have to say come on Plan. You decide to highlight his feud with Batista and totally ignore his disappointing feuds with Hunter and Cena which have been clogging up the Raw main event for the whole of this year. It all started out with some absolutely tremendous work by Orton, particularly his acts of violence against Stephanie McMahon. The IWC, myself included, developed a real hard-on for where Randy was going but unfortunately, it has all been downhill from there.
Many where disappointed at WrestleMania 25, not just with the quality of the main event but with the fact the that the belt was not put on Orton. The Hunter haters were quick to point fingers but it was not long before Orton won the belt and everybody was sick of him. What started out as a potential epic feud between Legacy and the McMahons turned into a borefest and from what I saw, Hunter was more than holding up his end of the bargain as the enraged man defending his family.
We then had the brief Batista fiasco before it was Cena's turn to lock horns with Randy. Probably more so than his feud with Hunter, this one has sucked and sucked bad from the get go. Now I have to agree with Plan's thoughts that the booking throughout both these feuds has been atrocious. It is not the first, and also won't be the last time that the WWE writers will totally drop the ball on a feud. There is however no need for the matches to sink to the level of what comes in between. In fact Cena and Hunter have both put on decent matches during less than decent feuds throughout their careers. For me, the issue in both of these feuds is that Orton's promo and in-ring work has been boring as hell. The methodical, unhinged style that Orton has adopted simply does not work and as long as he maintains this character and retains his title, the Raw main event scene is going to suck.
As we get to Exhibit C, I would like to point out that I am a Randy Orton supporter. He is capable of having good matches as was proved here. I am not labelling Orton as untalented and in fact I see him as the future of the company and have done since he first made his way onto the main roster. In fact I will now present Exhibit D which shows that even when he was as green as hell, Randy Orton could be thoroughly entertaining.
So where is this entertaining young man? Where is the man that would disrespect present and future hall of famers in a clinical and entertaining way as the Legend Killer? Orton mastered his craft when he had this character and as much as the WWE need to take responsibility and tweak his current character, it cannot be ignored that the reason why the character has failed has been that Orton has failed to execute it in an entertaining fashion. Some of the little touches he does are well done but when he takes five minutes to set up and execute one move, it makes me want to turn over and watch Survivor, Deal or No Deal or dare I say it, America's Next Top Model.
The 2009 version of Randy Orton has just not been entertaining and I ask the IWC to find Plan guilty of thinking he is. The Prosecution rests.
DA Mazza, I should have you ejected for insinuating that I got a "hard on" for any male, let alone Randy Orton. He does have nice facial expressions, but I could properly cook a filet mignon in between the time he hits one move after the other.
Your honour, I must stress the importance of Exhibit A. The value I place on it is not the fact that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin says the quote given, but rather that the phrase has been used by a pro wrestler, showing it more than applies to this situation. And it does. In fact, the prosecution did nothing but prove my point by mentioning that the feuds with Cena and Triple H have been booked atrociously; you are what you eat and Orton was fed garbage. The point is relevant and I’m afraid, Mr. Mazzwinn that the point STANDS.
I said previously that Orton has taken his character a little too far in his recent in-ring work and the Defence agrees he has become a little TOO slow in the ring. But that does not mean he is boring, it certainly doesn’t qualify the accusations I have heard levelled at him that he is stale. The same thing, however, could be more than legitimately said if he had maintained his Legend Killer gimmick. Allow me to ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how long Randy Orton could go on kicking old men in the skull and still look to be a legitimate threat to current main eventers, still remain relevant? Fact is, Randy Orton himself is going to reach the Legend level one day, probably someday soon. What then? How can you have a legendary Legend Killer? The Legend Killer gimmick did what it had to do; it got him over. It served its purpose. They needed something more flexible and less constraining to move him forwards. That just so happened to be The Viper.
Firstly, I do not believe that Orton has been fed garbage. He has not had the greatest storylines this year but he has had quality opponents to work with. Also, I think it should be noted that I have not said that the Legend Killer gimmick should have continued, merely that it worked, something that the Viper gimmick is not doing. It seems like your entire argument is based around a 14 year old shoot promo involving two out-of-business companies that happened when Orton was probably popping his zits and jerking off to Sunny promos as a 15 year old man-boy.
Not fed garbage? Seriously?! You said earlier you considered the post 'Mania feud with Trips to be a "borefest", that the Batista feud was a "fiasco" and that the Cena feud has been even worse...and now you say he has not been fed garbage? And quality opponents? I would not call Batista, John Cena, Ric Flair and Shane McMahon "quality opponents" by any means.
Oh shit Mazza, might as well start learning how to cook and clean, cause 'Plan just made you his bitch. Time is running short and they cutting my overtime, so 'Plan, please wrap this up.
In closing I will use two quotes. The first. “The reason,” it was said, “why the character,” here meaning Orton, “has failed has been that Orton has failed to execute it in an entertaining fashion.” Now the second. “If anything, your claims of him being the things his character demand of him shows just how good he is; he has you all nailing him to a stake because you believe he is something he isn’t. Is that not a testament to his skill?”
As performers, all wrestlers should evoke a response from you. Orton is evoking a response. As performers, all wrestlers should act according to how their character demands. Orton acts according to how The Viper demands he acts. So I say again. All I ask is for the criticisms to be levelled at the proper targets; people such as the Prosecution may find The Viper boring, but that does not mean Orton has failed to master his craft. On the contrary. The fact you think Orton is the one who is boring proves quite the opposite. I guess what I am attempting to say under no clear terms here I realise is that The Viper character is simply not a very exciting character; however, as, in the past, we know Orton can be damn entertaining and now appears to be boring, is a result OF HIS MASTERY. That is to say he's so good at being this essentially boring character, if we must go that far, that everyone thinks ORTON is boring. Such is his skill. I rest my case, your honour.
Attention all DA's: this case will be closing in 5 minutes. Please bring your final case up to the jury for a quick and courteous verdict. For your convenience, this court will be in session next week. Once again, this case will be closing in 5 minutes.
All four men you mentioned have had quality high profile matches during their careers which shows they are all more than capable opponents, even Shane can be dragged to an entertaining spotfest. I feel that the jury should take strong note of the Defendant's closing speech. It has been presumed that Orton is successful in his character because we are discussing how boring it is. I do not feel that the fans of the WWE should have to fight to find the hidden meaning to be entertained. Plan is guilty because if Orton had mastered his craft, I would be looking forward to watching his character on television every week. Orton is the current World Wrestling Entertainment Champion and his wrestling and entertainment have simply been sub par throughout the year. Back to you Judge Joe.
Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant and plaintiff have been deliberating back and forth, in a battle of the Brits. But now, it is up to YOU to decide the fate of one 'Artist Formerly Known as Man With The Plan. Please go over the evidence carefully and surely, and consider everything that has been brought to the table. Court will convene in two weeks, and a verdict will have been reached. Court, thankfully, is now adjourned.
And that is it for the second edition of Smarks Court. Remember, it is your civic duty as a member of the Internet Wrestling Community to have your say on Plan's destiny. You can send me your verdict at smarkscourt@live.com or alternatively send me PM at the forums or post your verdict in my feedback thread. If you feel that Plan is guilty of saying that Orton has been doing a good job in 2009, give a guilty verdict but if you have been enjoying Randy's recent work, vote not guilty and get Plan off this charge. Your comments and feedback are also very much welcome and if you know of anyone that should be put on trial, send their names my way and they just might find themselves in the dock explaining their actions. The Current Paper Review will be back next week with the Bragging Rights edition and Smarks Court will return with the verdict and next case in two weeks but for now, I have been Mazza, the other guy has been Joe and for this week, Court is adjourned.
I already said adjourned. Peace out nigs; sounds a lot better.
I have been sentenced to life with Joe. FML!!! Peace out!
