Posted in: The Classic Paper Review Smarks Court - Case #001 - The People Versus Uncle Joe - HBK Overrated?
By Mazza
Oct 13, 2009 - 4:35:24 AM
A Notorious P.I.G. Production
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the first edition of Smarks Court. For this first proceeding I shall be pulling triple duty as your host, Prosecution Attorney and Judge, Mazza. Now that may sound like a conflict of interests but in my role of judge, it shall only be comments and sentencing (if necessary) that I will be providing. The verdict will be down to the you, the members of the jury. I realise that by now I have probably completely lost you so I guess it is now time to explain this new concept that I am bringing to Lords of Pain.
Ever since I signed up to the LOP forums at this time last year, I have been exposed to a number of wrestling fans with all sorts of different opinions. That is one of the best things about this sport that we all love, there are so many different views of the wrestlers and the product. You have to look no further than WWE's poster boy, John Cena to see the major differences of opinion. Quite often however, a slightly more obscure view will come up and the person who has come up with it will defend it to the death despite numerous people trying to put them straight. That is the beauty of LOP forums. A lot of the times these guys can paint a pretty convincing picture of why they are right and a couple of days ago I was lying in bed when I had a "what if" moment come over me.
What if we had a place where these ideas could either be validated or denounced by a group of pro-wrestling fans? And that is where the Smarks Court was born. Every week I will bring an member of the forums to trial for their views. They will defend themselves and I will act as the IWC's District Attourney for the Prosecution and try to convince the jury of the Defendant's guilt. You, the readers will be able to email (or PM) me your opinions and the following week, the verdict will be read and if neccessary, a sentence will be handed down.
Sounds like fun right? Well I sure hope so. The first man to stand before the IWC Court of Justice will be Columns Forum machine and the slightly disjointed Uncle Joe. He is never one to shy away from his opinion but his dislike of stars like John Morrison and Kofi Kingston points to him not being a major fan of the athletic based wrestlers. Recently though this has reached new heights with Joe's dissing of the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Unc has even been heard saying that John Cena carried HBK during their one hour epic match in the UK on Raw a couple of years back. Many will cry BS at the mere thought of this being the truth but LOP is not a communist site and Joe shall have a fair trial to defend his comments. So Ladies and Gentlemen, Smarks Court is now in session with...
Case #001 - The People Versus Uncle Joe
Judge Mazza: Uncle Joe, you have recently made numerous claims about how pro-wrestling legend and IWC darling, Shawn Michaels is overrated and has been carried through numerous matches in his career. You are charged with talking out of your arse on this subject. How do you plead?
Joe: Fuck ya niggas . . . er, not guilty.
Your case will now be heard by a jury of your peers. Your fate is in their hands. DA Mazza will be making the case for the prosecution but first, you will have the opportunity to defend yourself. Feel free to present any evidence you feel will be useful in convincing the members of the IWC to pass a not guilty verdict. You may start your defence.
Thank you your honor. Now, I am going to let you know ahead of time, that after my argument; I'm going to be vilified, I'm going to be taunted, I'm going to be called names, not because I am pervert, a bigot, a partial racist and a misogynist; but because I am right. See, human beings have an innate ability, better yet; a constant fear that what they know is a lie, is a fraud. A majority of IWC members believe that not only is HBK a great worker, but that he may be the best worker this year, which is absolutely laughable. Let's get to his game, shall we?
First off, the guy has no offence. He has some of the weakest chops around, has an elbow drop that is as lame as they come (with a retarded set up. Seriously, why go for an elbow when it's not your fucking finish?), sloppy punches that never get the feeling of ever connecting, that ill fated inverted figure four, a crossface, and Sweet Chin Music. Oh and a kip up. People love to point Cena out as a 5 moves of doom guy, but HBK only does those same 5 fucking moves, with an odd time or another he'll throw in a moonsault. If he's not doing those things, he's on his back, getting his ass beat to kingdom come.
On defence, which is his strength, is still isn't as great as some people would lead you to believe. You either get serious selling Shawn or 'fuck this guy' selling HBK. You can usually tell when one you're getting by his face before the match. When he is going to be super pinballing in a good way, he is his usual born again self. But when he has this little kid/Problem Child smirk, then you're fucked. His lunatic selling can be great when done against the right opponent (vs. Taker in the first HiaC, vs. Umaga on RAW), and others where it's downright embarrassing (the Hogan match comes to mind).
DA Mazza: Objection your honour, the world knows the reason for his selling against Hogan was due to fact that the Hulkster was being a little bitch and had pulled out of a scheduled rematch where Shawn was supposed to win.
Well despite certain hypocracies as Shawn was the man who "lost his smile", objection sustained. The jury are asked not to consider the SummerSlam 2005 main event when deliberating.
That's that bull shit, son. What about the whole Screwjob finish; and the fact Hart agreed to let Shawn go over as long as he got his win back, yet Shawn never went down with the deal?
MR UNCLE... MR JOE... WHOEVER YOU ARE, PIPE DOWN OR I WILL FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT
My balls: suck 'em. Anyways. As for the last HBK pillar, let's break down the matches. Many will say he can carry a broom to a 5 star match, which is absolute bullshit. Not only did he steal Benoit's crossface, but that was the shtick announcers would say about Benoit for years, most often correctly too. A lot of you are going to say "oh god Joe, look at his Mania match with Flair for an example". First off, that match sucked, because it was them chopping each other back and forth, mixing in some bumps and shit. Others will give me him and Mankind at Mind Games, which is a nice counter. HBK was once an exceptional wrestler, and here it seems he is on top of his game, but looks can be deceiving. At a closer look, at what points does the match begin to slow down and become a bit boring? When Shawn is on offence, as the match picks up and is more exciting when Foley is on the giving end.
His match with Taker in the aforementioned HiaC was great, but it was basically HBK getting his ass beat for basically the entire length of the match. Now for the Cena matches. Cena was my 2007 WotY as some might have already heard, and he carried a TON of people to great matches (from Umaga, to HBK to JBL). Cena managed to bring out HBK's best in a looong time, as his moves were crisp, stiffer and HBK let Cena be the general in the match. Cena's selling of exhaustion, not being able to keep up with HBK while being younger and faster was top notch.
Now, I am not saying HBK is terrible, far from that. But best wrestler on earth? No way. Blue Panther, Mistico, William Regal, Christian, Rey Mysterio, Bryan Danielson, the Necro Butcher, Johnny Saint, Black Terry, Navarro are some of the names I can come up with who are better than HBK. The defense rests it's case.
Thank you Uncle Joe, you may step down. DA Mazza, it is now your turn to make the case for the prosecution.
Ayo; fuck that nigga Mazza.
Fuck me??? When I am done here you best call your bitch and get her to go to the store so she can stock up with syrup and jelly for your care packages, sonny Jim.
Okay, that is enough out of both of you, DA Mazza, please proceed.
Right, in all fairness my esteemed (LOL) colleague has made some valid points. For example he is right in saying that he is a pervert, a bigot, a partial racist and a misogynist. What he fails to recognise however is that Shawn Michaels is old school. Old school wrestlers are not known for having a thousand holds, they are known for having their moves that pop the crowds. We all know that flip up is coming after a flying forearm (a move the Defendant failed to mention) but we go nuts for it just the same. The scoop slam and inverted atomic drop are also regular moves used by HBK that the Defendant failed to mention and that is just what we know we will see in a Shawn Michaels match.
Nobody in this industry has shown the innovation that Michaels has. Hell in a Cell, ladder matches, ironman matches and even the elimination chamber were all started by or taken to a new level by Shawn and even today, the youngsters struggle to keep up with him.
Joe, I shall not be warning you again. Will the prosecution please continue.
Your honor, I present to you Exhibit B: My balls. Suck 'em
GUARDS, SEIZE HIM!
What the fuck, your honour?
Err, sorry, got a little carried away there. Joe, you had your time on the stand, it is now the prosecution's turn; one more outburst and you will be removed from this courtroom.
Anyway, as I was saying, I do agree with Joe that Shawn is better on the defensive. He is submissive person, damn we are all men who can relate to that surely. He has been known to over-ham it up but once again, that is his old school roots coming through. Also, do not forget that Shawn is a small guy and over-the-top selling can make a monster look great. The reason why he is on the defence so much in his matches is because he can make a green young star look like a million bucks. You don't even need to go that far back to see it in action. The main event of Hell in a Cell saw 2 superstars made in Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes and that is all thanks to how Shawn sold their offence. He really did look like he was being tortured and to me that is the epitome of a great worker.
Michaels has proved time and time again that he can get a 5 star match out of almost everyone. He has had great matches at numerous WrestleMania events and that is even before talking about the lesser pay-per-views and TV matches. What makes this all the more spectacular is that the guy retired for four years because his back was so messed up. His feuds and matches with the likes of Triple H, Bret Hart, Razor Ramon, The Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Ric Flair, Kurt Angle and even Vince McMahon will forever be remembered as some of the greatest in pro-wrestling history. The impressive thing about this is the variations in the types of matches involved. Shawn is just as comfortable battling a hoss as he is going hold for hold with the Harts and Angles of this world. The retirement match with Flair may not have been as good as some make it out to be but what cannot be denied was the show and the emotion that was put on. Shawn is the total package, he knows how to work the crowd with his promos, his facial expressions, he can sell a beating as well as anyone, he can adapt to any style and he can make the crowd go wild when he goes through his signature moves.
Although we are not here to discuss Cena today, I do agree that he brought the best out of a lot of people in 2007. That said, he did not, and did not need to do so with Michaels. Cena played his part in the matches but do not underestimate how well Shawn did with a hard working but limited talent. In fact, I believe that it was working with Shawn that gave Cena the tools to bring out the best in the lesser talents he worked with that year. To sum up, sure Shawn is not the same athlete he was 12 years ago and I do not necessarily think that Shawn is the best in the world but he is damn near the top of the list and he has proved it time and time again. I ask the jury to do the right thing and return a guilty verdict. The prosecution rests.
Well Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you have heard both sides of the story and it is now time for you to deliberate. Please consider all the evidence that has been presented here today and Court will convene this time next week where the verdict shall be revealed. Court adjourned.
Well people, that just about wraps up the the first edition of Smarks Court. Remember, it is your civic duty as a member of the Internet Wrestling Community to have your say on Joe's destiny. You can send me your verdict at smarkscourt@live.com or alternatively send me PM at the forums or post your verdict in my feedback thread. If you feel that Joe is guilty of talking a whole lot of bull, give a guilty verdict but if you think the man has a point, vote not guilty and get his ass acquitted. Your comments and feedback are also very much welcome and if you know of anyone that should be put on trial, send their names my way and they just might find themselves in the dock explaining their actions. My name is Mazza and for this week, Court is adjourned.
