Posted in: The Classic Paper Review The Classic Paper Review - Vol XIX - CelebrityMania
By Mazza
Jun 26, 2009 - 12:33:48 PM
Vol XIX – CelebrityMania
Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Mazza and this is the 19th edition of The Classic Paper Review. When it comes to reviews, I am ready to have a crack at them all. I am stacking up a nice selection of old events and I tackled my first current event with Extreme Rules. This week the UK/US Tournament has reached the final round and this gives me the chance to try my hand at reviewing a fake event. If you are interested, the Brits are currently leading the way 5-3 and you can check out all the great columns from the tournament >>>here<<<.
Now to the subject at hand. In my first column in this tournament I touched on the poor use of celebrities in wrestling. That is not to say that all celebrity involvement should be considered as bad. Decent celebrity participation is a way to open the product up to new audiences and it is something that WrestleMania was built on. With Raw ratings suffering recently, Vince McMahon realised it was time once more to go back to the celebrity well.
On the 15 June it was announced that Donald Trump had “bought” WWE’s flagship show, Raw. The Donald has been a proven winner for Vince in the past and the ratings for Trump’s night in charge saw a significant rise. Trump’s involvement at WrestleMania 23 has to go down as a success but hit time as owner of Raw was cut short, leaving questions of what could have been. Now I ask you all now to suspend reality for a while as I take you on one of the (im)possibilities for where the storyline could have gone.
TRUMP’S RAW
Trump started out his tenure as Raw owner by wanting to give to the fans and a commercial-free episode was the first of many moves. The Bash would come and go and Trump would make PPV matches on a weekly basis. Raw would become a 4-hour show but the 45 minute TLC, cage and hardcore matches took their toll on Raw’s top stars. Despite pleas from the likes of Hunter, Cena and Michaels about the injuries in the locker room, Trump carried on pushing the bar as the ratings were solidly climbing. The situation would come to a rather ugly head a week before the scheduled Night of Champions pay-per-view.
The entire Raw roster would issue an ultimatum to The Donald that if he did not calm their schedule down, they would strike. Trump did not take kindly to this, the ratings proved he was giving the fans what they wanted and he did not become the man he is today by backing down. Worried about the situation, Vince McMahon tried to talk some sense into Trump. Donald however was not willing to listen. He had an idea, an idea that would make him a bigger promoter than Vince could ever dream of becoming. He would take Vince’s love for celebrities to a new level and make a main event that would make WrestleMania main events seem like Velocity matches. Night of Champions would indeed go ahead but it would now be known as...
CelebrityMania
The Event: CelebrityMania
The Date: 26 July 2009
The Place: Wachovia Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
The Attendance: 18,012
After The Donald had got his hands on Vince’s little black book, we went to work on hiring all of the celebrities that had worked for the WWE in the past. Two days and some heavy promotional work later, the new “superstars” were all assembled and following three days of intense training they were ready for action. The media were all over the event and it was even reported that people who had tickets to the event were selling them at more than ten times market value.
Trump opens the show in the ring and cuts a promo saying how he does not need the WWE superstars and that today he would bring the world the greatest show in the history of sports and entertainment.
V
Chuck Norris versus Ken Shamrock in an Ultimate Enforcer Match
Shamrock comes out looking focussed whilst Norris laps up the adoration of the fans. The match is a hard hitting martial arts master class that goes back and forth. After ten minutes of enthralling action, Norris goes for a kick to Shamrock’s head but the former UFC man catches his foot and synchs in the ankle lock. For thirteen minutes Norris tries everything he can to escape the excruciating hold but eventually passes out.
Winner: Ken Shamrock
Both Norris and Shamrock performed the role of a tough guy enforcer for bitter feuds in the WWF. Norris and tough go together like bacon and eggs and at Survivor Series 1994, he was used to keep Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Corporation away from the ring during Undertaker’s casket match with Yokozuna. Shamrock first appeared to keep order in the WrestleMania 13 classic between bitter enemies Bret Hart and Steve Austin. The enforcer role is a good one as they bring a buzz to the company without stealing too much of the spotlight. Norris did very well in this role and even kicked Jeff Jarrett in the head. Shamrock however handled himself superbly and it was a platform for his career in the WWF where he would become a major name during the Attitude era. Celebrity Ratings: Norris – 6.5, Shamrock – 8.5
V
Pete Rose versus Drew Carey with Kane as Special Guest Referee
Rose and Carey both come out to a fair reaction before the pyro hits and a masked Kane comes out. His mannerisms are a little odd and he seems a tad taller and fuller. It was later revealed that Glenn Jacobs was part of a picket line outside the arena and did not cross it. Carey tries to hide behind Rose as The Big Red Machine enters the ring. Kane backs into a corner and summons them to fight but the competitors are far more wary of the referee than they are of each other. After a couple of minutes of fannying about, Rose Irish-whips Carey into Kane and he is greeted with a chokeslam. Rose makes the cover before receiving his obligatory tombstone from Kane.
Winner: Pete Rose
Pete Rose amazingly appeared at three consecutive WrestleManias. He was guest ring announcer for the Undertaker-Kane match at Wrestlemania 14 and was tombstoned by the Big Red Machine. One year later he was looking for revenge and met the same fate. He completed the trilogy the next year when he felt the wrath of his arch nemesis and his partner Rikishi. He made another appearance at No Mercy 2002 and was chokeslammed by, you guessed it, Kane. The whole recurring Kane-Rose storyline was entertaining despite there being no real rhyme or reason to it but credit Rose for taking some big moves. Carey on the other hand showed up at the 2001 Royal Rumble to plug an upcoming pay-per-view he was making. He somehow made it into the rumble match and was alone when he entered the ring. The next man out was Kane and Carey ended up hightailing it, eliminating himself in the process. This was all pretty silly for me and not entertaining in the slightest. Celebrity Ratings: Rose – 7, Carey – 3
V
Pamela Anderson versus Jenny McCarthy in a Pillow Fight
The rules of the match are that the first 90’s sex symbol to knock the other out of the ring using the array of cushions and pillows would be declared the winner. The ladies are dressed in skimpy little outfits and do an unconvincing job of trying to show that they are actually fighting. Suddenly “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” rings out through the arena and Cyndi Lauper comes running to the ring with a pillow in hand. She takes out Jenny and then Pam with real pillow shots.
Winner: Cyndi Lauper
After winning the 1995 Royal Rumble, Anderson was on hand to congratulate the winner, Shawn Michaels and lead him on the road to Wrestlemania 11. Come the event however, she was nowhere to be seen all night and HBK was accompanied by McCarthy. Pam finally made her appearance by the side of Michaels’ opponent, Diesel. After emerging victorious, Big Sexy left with both ladies. The ladies were just there to look pretty and fourteen years ago they did an okay job. Pam’s higher profile gets her a higher score. Lauper, on the other hand, was a lot more interesting in managing Wendi Richter to the woman’s title against Leilani Kai at the first WrestleMania. Celebrity Ratings: Anderson – 5, McCarthy – 4, Lauper – 6
V
Lawrence Taylor versus Mr. T in a Match for the Mr Main-Event Championship
The new Mr Main-Event Championship belt is on show as Taylor and T stand in the ring but they are interrupted by an angry looking Tommy “Zeus” Lister. Taylor telling T to tuck in his chain because “Deebo is coming” only infuriates Lister more. He says that this should be a triple-threat match because he main-evented SummerSlam 1989. T says he pities the fool who main-evented SummerSlam and Zeus was escorted away by security. The match finally gets underway and is actually quite good. There is a good flow and use of basic wrestling by Taylor with T ducking and diving, looking to land a killer punch. With both men looking tired at the fifteen minute mark, Taylor goes to the top rope. T’s fear of flying makes him freak out and he unleashes a flurry of devastating punches for the victory.
Winner: Mr. T
The list of wrestlers that have walked away victorious from the last match at WrestleMania contains only twelve men. No Angle, no Rock, no Flair but somehow Mr T and Lawrence Taylor are also on this list. In my opinion this is just wrong. Taylor did a decent job at WrestleMania 11 against Bam Bam Bigelow but this should never have upstaged Michaels-Diesel. T brought some mainstream star power to the first WrestleMania main-event and as this was part of a tag-team match (T and Hogan versus Piper and Orndorff), there was far less focus on it being all about him. T returned the next year where he beat Piper by disqualification in a boxing match. As for Zeus, the WWF have fed worse monster heels to Hogan. Actually, no they haven’t. Celebrity Ratings: Taylor – 6, T – 8, Zeus – 4
V
Ozzy Osbourne versus Alice Cooper
The crowd mark out like crazy for Ozzy and Alice. It looks like they are about to lock up but they end up having a conversation reminiscing about the good old days. They decide that instead of fighting they will give us an impromptu mini-concert. The crowd loved hearing a handful “classics” which I had never heard of. That said, these geriatric rockers were a hundred times better than Kid Rock at WrestleMania 25.
Winner: No Contest
Both Osbourne and Cooper were used very well in WrestleMania’s 2 and 3 respectively. Ozzy accompanied fellow Brits, The Bulldogs to the tag-team titles as they defeated Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake. Cooper was in Jake Robert’s corner in a losing effort to the Honky Tonk Man. After the match however, he chased off Jimmy Hart with Jake’s snake. I really like when celebrities are used in this kind of scenario. They raise the profile of the product but let the wrestlers do what they do best before the spotlight is shared and nobody looks stupid. Celebrity Ratings: Osbourne – 7, Cooper – 7
V
Kevin Federline versus The Insane Clown Posse in a No-DQ Handicap Match
Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope seem confident but K-Fed is unfazed and runs to the ring immediately on the offensive. In a rather shocking match, the ex-Mr Spears goes to town on the clowns with a chair. A bucket load of blood and six minutes later, Federline pins both unconscious members of ICP simultaneously.
Winner: Kevin Federline
Much to my surprise, K-Fed carried himself very well during his run in the WWE at the back end of 2006. He aligned himself Johnny Nitro and went after the company’s top guy, John Cena. K-Fed would cost Cena a match-up due to interference at Cyber Sunday and even beat Cena in a no-DQ match on the New Year edition of Raw. He finally got his comeuppance later that night with two FU’s. K-Fed was a very good fit with the WWE and I don’t think it would be a bad idea if he had another run with the company in the future. ICP made an original appearance with the company at SummerSlam 1998, accompanying The Oddities to the ring. They asked Vince for a chance to wrestle and this was granted. They participated in a few matches but were never accepted by the locker room. The end of their run came after Violent J did not take a Stone Cold Stunner very convincingly and the WWF did not fulfil their promise to air a commercial for the group. ICP were essentially just two big wrestling fans living out their dream in the WWF but they were not interesting and not very good. Celebrity Ratings: K-Fed – 7, ICP – 3
V
V
Evander Holyfield versus Floyd Mayweather versus Butterbean versus Mickey Rourke in a Fatal 4-Way Elimination Boxing Match
Sumo star Akebono in the announcer for the match. He says he was asked to participate but thought he would be out of his element. He explains that two participants will start the match but they can tag in any other competitor at any time. Elimination will occur if a participant gets knocked down and cannot answer the count of ten. Holyfield and Butterbean start things out but are very defensive. After a couple of minutes, Evander tags in Rourke to a humungous ovation. The Ram laps up the atmosphere and plays to the crowd before finally stepping to Butterbean. He does a little shuffle but Butterbean nonchalantly throws a punch that knocks Rourke out cold. The ref counts to ten and Mayweather steps into the ring. He hits and runs against the big man for a few minutes but nothing gives and Butterbean soon tags in Holyfield. “Money” uses the same tactic against Evander and eventually gets a breakthrough, unleashing a sick combination which The Real Deal cannot recover from. It boils down to Butterbean and Mayweather and Money once again goes with the hit and run tactic. Butterbean seems unfazed by the punches that do get through but starts to tire as the match goes on. Eventually Mayweather lands a punch to the gut that seems to wind the big man and leaves him wide open. Money makes the most of the opening and lands a knockout blow.
Winner: Floyd Mayweather
All these guys have delivered knockout blows in the world of wrestling. Holyfield made an appearance on Saturday Night’s Main Event during the MVP-Matt Hardy feud in 2007. He took Porter’s place in a boxing match with Matt and after a no-contest, an irate MVP started mouthing off to the former world champion and was greeted with a knuckle sammich. This was not bad for a one-off appearance but there really was not much substance to it. The WWE fans were reluctant to accept Mayweather despite making his first appearance at No Way Out 2008 to avenge a beating suffered by Rey Mysterio at the hands of the Big Show. This eventually led to a match between Show and Mayweather at WrestleMania 24 where the fans were still sceptical about Money’s participation. Floyd however revelled in the heel role and was nothing short of gold throughout the program and match with Show, which he eventually won with the aid of brass knuckles. At In Your House 19, Butterbean defeated Marc Mero in a toughman match after Mero was disqualified. His big moment in the WWF however came at WrestleMania 15 where he knocked out Brawl for All winner, Bart Gunn in 27 seconds. Butterbean’s personality really came through in his appearances and he seemed to fit in very nicely in the whacky world of wrestling. I am sure we all remember how much Rourke milked his WrestleMania 25 appearance. He took an eternity to get into the ring and land a punch to Chris Jericho following his match against the legends. All he succeeded in doing was taking ring time away from the main-event of the night and garner a little mainstream attention. Celebrity Ratings: Holyfield – 4, Mayweather – 8.5, Butterbean – 7, Rourke – 3
V
Muhammad Ali versus Mike Tyson
Tyson comes out first and he feels the wrath of the fans. Ali comes out to a thunderous ovation and cuts an “old school” promo on the stage which only increases the noise in the arena. The action is very basic and limited but the way the two legends work the crowd keeps everybody on the edge of their seats. At the twelve minute mark with Tyson dominating, Ali finds a second wind and starts to shuffle and stuns Iron Mike. As he goes to deliver a killer blow, Tyson ducks and winds Ali with a spear like take down and gets the three. After the match Tyson helps Ali to his feet and they hug, much to the approval of the fans.
Winner: Mike Tyson
Both men served as secondary officials outside the ring for a WrestleMania main-event. At the inaugural event, Ali took top billing of all the celebrities on show. He officiated the match pitting Mr. T and Hogan against Piper and Orndorff and during a scuffle, inadvertently landed a punch to Piper. His participation was not the greatest but he took a backseat and his presence alone certainly brought something to the table. Tyson on the other hand was, in my opinion, the greatest use of a celebrity in wrestling. The controversial boxer was a perfect match for the WWF’s Attitude Era. The day he came face-to-face with Stone Cold for the first time is one of the most memorable moments in wrestling history and world screamed for Austin-Tyson. Although this would have surely made a silly amount of money, it was a potential train-wreck. It was soon announced that Tyson would be the enforced in the WrestleMania 14 main-event between Austin and Shawn Michaels. Tyson and Michaels developed a friendship with Mike becoming part of Degeneration-X. However, when it came to the match, Tyson called it down the middle and with the in-ring referee knocked out, he was on hand to count to three as Austin won his first world title. Michaels was upset when he came to and confronted Tyson but was met with a knockout punch. Tyson’s short stint in the WWF should surely be the blueprint for any future celebrity involvement. Celebrity Ratings: Ali – 7, Tyson – 9.5
CelebrityMania was a great success, breaking all records for pay-per-view buy rates and more people tuned into Raw then next night than ever before. It was also the last time that many loyal WWE/F fans would watch the product. Less than six months later, Raw ratings hit an all time low as the fair-weather fans drifted away and a bi-branded TNA being led by world champions Samoa Joe and John Cena became the number one wrestling company in the world.
THE VERDICT
There is no doubt that the correct use of celebrities in wrestling can give a much needed jumpstart to the product and bring new fans into our world. Boxing legends Ali and Tyson proved this by really adding to not only the hype but also the matches at WrestleMania’s 1 and 14 respectively without it being all about them. Despite the sceptics, Mayweather did a great job of stepping into the WWE universe and many others have done a decent job of getting into the spirit of pro-wrestling. The problems however come when celebrities are over-pushed and the real fans have to put up with seemingly endless drivel from people who really look like they would rather be anywhere else. This is when the fans who have watched the product through thick and thin will start to turn off and if they go, they are never going to be easy to replace in the long-run.
That wraps up this edition of The Classic Paper Review. I will be back next week with a review of The Bash but if you have any feedback, you can email me here or leave it in the forums. Thank you all for reading and I will catch you all next time.
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V