Posted in: The Classic Paper Review The CPR Presents: Seven Things We Hate About You
By Mazza
Jun 7, 2009 - 2:50:41 PM
Ladies and Gentleman, the following column is an entry in the UK versus USA tournament currently taking place in the LOPforums. The column is a collaboration between myself and talented fellow Brit, MyLee Cyrus. You can check out the rest of the tournament in the UK vs US thread.
MyLee Cyrus: Wait a second... 'Seven Things We Hate About You'? Yes, ladies, gentlemen and Americans of indiscriminate gender, Mazza and MyLee present the first ever tag team edition of the world's greatest Miley Cyrus inspired wrestling column! Team United Kingdom is all set to take on Team United States (who, if we trace their heritage back far enough, should probably be called "Team Kicked Out By The United Kingdom For Being Too Square") in the battle of WrestleCrap. So, without further ado, we bring you:
Seven Things We Hate About WrestleCrap
Mazza: Sorry I'm late MyLee, I have been making a few prank calls to the White House. So where are we? Ah right, seven things. The fact that you are reading this means that in some way shape or form, you are a wrestling fan and as a wrestling fan, I am certain that over the years you have been subjected to a whole load of crap that has made you wonder just why on earth you keep coming back. These things can conveniently be placed into seven categories and we will take a quick look at all these categories in the lead up to both Mazza and MyLeeCyrus' ultimate WrestleCrap moments of all times.
1) UNNECESSARY MALE NUDITY
Look, I understand that there are certain homoerotic connotations when it comes to this passion of ours. I mean let's face it, oily, tanned, semi-naked men in tights groping each other is what we tune into every week. That does not mean that I want to see men flaunting their arses at every possible moment. Shawn Michaels always loves to show off his butt whenever possible but nobody can top Vince McMahon when it comes to this. Just think about it for a moment, the Chairman of a highly successful company with global recognition comes out every week looking to drop his trousers all over his product. Could you imagine if a stripping Bill Gates was the default screensaver for the next version of Windows? Or how about Richard Branson painting a likeness of his cock on all Virgin planes? Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels and even his own son Shane have all helped inflate Vince's ego by performing a little mouth-to-arse resuscitation on live television but what did the fans get from it? Absolutely nothing.
It is not just Vince and arses that get my goat when it comes to male nudity. When it comes to WrestleCrap, you can pretty sure that TNA will be around for an honourable mention at the very least. Turning Point 2006 not only saw Eric Young compete in a bikini contest wearing a SpongeBob bikini, but he also won the damn thing. Super Eric however is not the standard bearer when it comes to unnecessary male nudity. That title belongs to one man and one man only. Big Dick Johnson. Now take a look at this picture...
Here we see the beautiful (and British I may add) Layla but the image is ruined by a fat guy wearing nothing but a bow tie and a thong. WHAT THE FUCK, VINCE??? Readers, I am sorry I had to subject you to this picture but be thankful it is not a GIF. Big Dick would dance around, gyrating his excess flab all over anyone unfortunate enough to be in his vicinity. Absolutely no point and absolutely no way to defend professional wrestling if your mum just happens to walk in whilst you're watching it.
2) PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE
"Well Mr. McMahon, Hall and Nash may have left, but we still own the rights to Diesel and Razor Ramon, so why don't we just give the gimmicks to other people?" "What, you mean like, we parody them in some sort of brilliant, biting satire?" "No, I mean we hire two new people and portray them as actually being Kevin Nash and Scott Hall." "I love it!"
Well done, genius. Top-notch. Honestly, who came up with this idea? What the hell were you thinking? The American public may not be as ruggedly handsome, boyishly charming or wonderfully witty as the British, but even they managed to see through this ruse in less time than it takes Edge to lose a world title. When did you ever think this was going to work? On a scale of 1 to "this was some truly dreadful booking"... This was some truly dreadful booking. There was no way anybody was going to think that Glen Jacobs could conceivably be Kevin Nash, especially when they could change channels and actually see Nash laying the thunder down for the competition. But, for whatever reason, the powers that be in the WWE (hell yeah, we can rhyme) thought that it would go off without a hitch. There are two saving graces here: one, they pulled the plug on the angle after only a few weeks and two, it gave us Kane; but the fact that I have to use the ultimate jobbing big man as a positive should show you just how bad this angle was.
But this isn't the only time! The fake Rosie O'Donnell versus the fake Donald Trump, the fake potential Presidents going head to head... Please, Vince. Never again. Never... eeee-ver again! I implore you! This type of thing is so bad that I'd probably put it in a list of 7 of the worst ideas a wrestling booking team has ever done, and thats saying something.
3) LUDICROUS RELATIONSHIPS
Over the years, the WWE in particular has been guilty of giving us some absolutely ludicrous relationships. We get these in all sorts of shapes and sizes and the most recent model that Vince and Co have thrown at us has been the Edge-Vickie-Big Show shenanigans. When I first saw Edge making out with the late Eddie Guerrero's widow it really made me cringe. Throwing The Big Show into the equation after Edge and Vickie were married made it all so much worse. Other vomit-worthy relationships that spring immediately to mind include the absolutely horrible Billy and Chuck gay wedding angle (you knew that the only two members of the Billy Gunn fan club could not let this collaboration go by without one mention of Mr. Ass), anytime Kane was involved with a woman in addition to Mae Young and Mark Henry (who we will look at a little later). However, when it comes to the onscreen romance that really put the relatively good name of wrestling to shame, you will be hard pressed to find a better candidate than the relationship between Dawn Marie and Al Wilson.
The WWE left absolutely no stone unturned when it came to this angle as we witnessed nudity (male and female), lesbianism, blackmail, a wedding and death. Dawn started in a relationship with Torrie Wilson's father, Al. The old pervert was besotted with the young diva and eventually it was revealed that they would get married, much to the disgust of Torrie. Dawn went onto reveal that she had feelings for Torrie which would result in a kiss between the two. Dawn said she would call off the wedding if Torrie would spend one night with her in a hotel room. That right there would have been quality viewing but it never happened and the wedding went ahead. The wedding is definitely the moment in this outrageous storyline that makes the list as Dawn and Al got married on an episode of SmackDown in their underwear. The joy of seeing Al in his underwear would be thankfully short lived as he died of a heart attack due to having too much sex on the honeymoon. The moral of the story is this, even having two gorgeous birds making out cannot always save your storyline from becoming WrestleCrap.
4) ANTI-CLIMAX
Kevin. Nash. I honestly never thought I'd mention him in a column, let alone use him twice, but he is once again the perfect illustration of a wrestlecrap moment: the anti-climax. You've all seen, or at least heard of, the fingerpoke of doom incident. Goldberg versus Nash for the WCW championship, promoted throughout a whole episode of Nitro, ends with Hulk Hogan poking Kev in (Get it? Kev-in?) the chest and pinning him. Why was Hogan there? Because they decided to have Goldberg arrested (but only for the duration of the main event) and crap on their fans that were excited about a big match by replacing the main fan favourite and turning what could've been an epic encounter into the shortest and most pointless bout in history. First off, why wouldn't Nash want to keep the title for himself? The World title of any promotion is supposed to be the absolute pinnacle for a wrestler to achieve, but apparently Nash would rather lie down and lose it without a second thought. Second, why would Goldberg be arrested for an hour? Stupid, stupid Russo.
But we can't blame it all on WCW; only a few months ago, Vince McMahon, Paul Levesque and Randal Orton conspired to present us with the worst ending to a Wrestlemania ever. There, I said it. A match that we've seen a quadrillion times before at the end of the 'biggest show of the year' and you finish it with a nothing move? I'm sure they thought it would be a good idea, but then again, people thought that WWE would be able to draw the same sort of ratings as the attitude era without the presence of Billy Gunn! I was sat on the edge of my sofa, begging to hear the sweet, sweet sounds of C.M. Punk's entrance theme to save us from the biggest anti-climax I've ever seen, but to no avail. Listen, wrestling bookers of the world, wherever you may be: if you advertise a fantastic main event, we expect to actually see a fantastic main event. When you don't deliver, you make your fans angry, and when your fans are angry, we'll still watch the product, but we'll bitch and moan about it a whoooole lot.
5) OVERUSE OF CELEBRITIES
If there is one thing that wrestling federations crave, it is mainstream exposure. This is understandable because, after all, they are a business that is looking to make money so the more people that tune in, the better. Over the years it seems that the best way to gain this exposure is by celebrity appearances. Now don't get me wrong, I am not totally against the use of celebrities in wrestling but the problem is that there is a fine line between getting it right and getting it wrong. Time and time again, come Wrestlemania, the WWE prove this statement. Mike Tyson was a great addition to Shawn Michaels versus Steve Austin at Mania 14 and Floyd Mayweather and The Big Show proved a lot of sceptics wrong ten years later. But what about Mickey Rourke and Kid Rock this year? They took up valuable time whilst the wrestling fans were robbed of a tag team unification match between The Colons and The Miz and John Morrison.
Having said that, 25 is by no means the worst Wrestlemania for celebrity overkill. That award has to go to Mania 11. The event was overrun by celebrities, most of whom were barely recognisable to non-American fans. There were backstage segments featuring Nicholas Turturro and Jonathon Taylor Thomas whereas Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy were all over the world title match. What made this particularly bad was that Diesel defending his title against Shawn Michaels was not even the evening's main event. That accolade went to Bam Bam Bigelow versus Lawrence Taylor. An American Egg Chaser (who bought along all his Egg Chasing friends) going up against a man who could never leave the WWF midcard bumped a world title match between two of the generation’s best wrestlers on the main event of the biggest show of the year. Is it any wonder WCW would soon be the main force in the wrestling world? Not at all but they in turn would go on to make a mockery of celebrity participation in a way that McMahon could never dream of. You know exactly who I am talking about...
The Governator maybe, Bruce Willis at a stretch, but DAVID FUCKING ARQUETTE AS WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION??? ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? This is without a doubt the worst example of celebrity usage in wrestling and is often cited as the main reason that WCW bombed. Arquette's place in WCW came about as a result of him starring in the WCW-produced movie, Ready to Rumble. He showed up on WCW programming in order to promote the film and immediately got involved with Eric Bischoff and aligned himself with World Champion, Diamond Dallas Page. He would go on to team up with DDP on an episode of Thunder to take on Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett in a match where the man who got the pin would become world champion. Arquette pinned Bischoff in a moment that totally shat on every preceding title reign in the history of the company. His title reign would fortunately only last a couple of weeks but the damage had already been done. This was definitely not Vince Russo's finest hour.
6) QUESTIONING THE FAN'S INTELLECT
We are not stupid. I'm not stupid, Mazza isn't stupid and you're not stupid. So why do wrestling bookers seem to think that we are? I remember watching Hornswoggle 'disappear' through a hole that he'd painted onto a wall with his 'magic leprechaun paint' and thinking "this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen". What, I'm supposed to believe that he actually did that? That leprechauns and magic and the like are real things, that Hornswoggle isn't just a midget with face paint and that Carlito would actually run straight at it instead of checking it first? What a ludicrous notion. It brings me nicely to the point that I'm trying to make: Vince, and all those before him, have a tendency to treat us like idiots. Take, as another example, the 'Shockmaster' incident. The most humiliating entrance in the history of the sport, and WCW pretends that it was actually just the 'foolish uncle' of the Super Shockmaster. Seriously, how stupid did they think their fanbase was? Nobody bought into it, nobody liked it and it ended the career of a former tag team champion.
There are a huge amount of less obvious examples, of course. Quite recently, Shawn Michaels beat John Cena one-on-one and failed to receive any sort of title shot; given that he was working for JBL for money, it follows logically that the paychecks he would receive as champion would surely outweight whatever Mr. Layfield was paying him? Rey Mysterio beating Kane at every single opportunity. Vince Russo as world champion. Vince McMahon not just firing Stone Cold on the grounds of his constant antagonising. These are all examples of things which we have accepted, sometimes grudgingly, but which are absolutely ricockulous when you think about it. We are treated like morons by the wrestling industry, and this makes MyLee sad.
7) CROSSING THE BOUNDARIES OF DECENCY
We finally get to number seven and believe me, we have saved the worst until last. Wrestling is an industry which is constantly pushing the boundaries of decency and the shock value was key in winning the fans during the Monday Night Wars. However, when running so close to the line, it is inevitable that they are going to cross it on a pretty regular basis. For me, the epitome of crossing this line was the geriatric nymphomaniac Mae Young. She has a whole host of moments which could easily top anyone's list as the number one WrestleCrap moment of all times. Just seeing her deliver a Broncobuster will be a case of lunch revisited and don't get me started on her affair with Mark Henry. This could have easily made our Ludicrous Relationships section if it was not for this moment... [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCpdBoqLJ68.[/url]
But even birthing a hand could not snag its place as Mazza's ultimate WrestleCrap moment. This would have to go to one of the many times that Mae chose to try and show off her shrivelled body. These are moments that actually made me wish that I was watching Big Dick Johnson giving The Miz a lapdance. The worst of the worst of these instances came at the Royal Rumble 2000. The Alzheimers well and truly took over as Mae decided to show up during the Miss Rumble Swimsuit Contest. Now I don't know about you but I watch wrestling for wrestling and the occasional hot chick passing by doesn't bother me but when Mae proceeded to expose her ghastly puppies to the world, this had to be my ultimate WrestleCrap moment.
Let us not forget the Katie Vick storyline. How can you possibly justify a necrophiliac as a championship contender? Surely that would be grounds for immediate firing! Or what about the whole, Big Bossman/Big Show's Dad storyline? Big Bossman actually stole the casket that Big Show's recently deceased father was supposedly in? How in the hell is that even remotely suitable for an entertainment show? Even South Park would balk at that! No no no, these instances are far beyond the boundaries of decency. As is the Mae Young puppies moment, which would certainly be fighting for top spot if Mazza had not already stolen it from me.
But, in my eyes, this is not the most indecent moment in the wresting business. My pick may not be the most disgusting, or the most inhuman, but I genuinely believe that it is the most indecent. MyLee's ultimate WrestleCrap moment is: Edge and Lita versus Matt Hardy. As booking a wrestling show goes, this is the most indecent decision I can think of. We're all well aware of the background to this storyline, but just try putting yourself in Matt Hardy's shoes. You have to work in close contact with a man you despise, and witness him making out with the woman he stole from you on a weekly basis. Don't even try to tell me that it didn't rip him to shreds inside. I'm fairly confident that most of us have suffered a broken heart before, so look at it from Matt's perspective. I'm not a big Matt Hardy fan, but to cash in on his heartbreak and to make Adam Copeland a star because he stole one of his best friend's wife is not just indecent; its inhumane.
I guess that leaves nothing more for us to say apart from UKFTW! As this is not a Classic Paper Review, I will let my compatriot take this bad boy home.
You may agree with me, or you may agree with Mazza. What you may not do is disagree with both of us, as we'd find that rather insulting. A lot of time and effort went into this piece of work, and for you to casually dismiss it would be... well, frankly, it'd be mean! In true British fashion, to our American cousins we say this: may the best men win.
... as long as the best men are MyLee Cyrus and Mazza.
